Title: And when we run… we reminisce

Author: OpheliacAngel

Pairings: Dean/Gabriel, Sam/Ruby, (Past) Dean/Bela, (Past) Gabriel/Kali

Genre: Romance/Angst

Rating: Mature (Just to be safe)

Summary: Dean doesn't know what it is, why he needs these little connections so badly when he's selfish and stupid and doesn't know what he wants half of the time. It doesn't really matter though because he goes to hell anyway, ends up coming back, tries to fix things with his brother, etc. etc. etc. and that archangel checking in on him every single second isn't helping the temptation any.

A/N: Set during Seasons 3, 4 & 5. This is an alternate take of the episode 'On the Head of a Pin' and after that, going on into Season 5 as well as other past events I added in that are set during Seasons 3 &4. This has been on my computer for months now, and I was hesitant to upload it but I do really like it and I hope you guys find some enjoyment from it too.

Chapter 1: Neglected Poker Face

Song Featured: Bush's 'Mindchanger'

Notes on this chapter: Set during 'On the Head of a Pin'. I am really really excited to be writing this, maybe because it's the first thing I'm writing in this writing program Scrivener, which is like a million times better than Word, but maybe it's because I'm just thrilled to write anything involving my OTP. Hope you like this first chapter.

~Think it's strange, like really strained

We'll never run when we've got all these broken bones

It's so hard to let you go~

(Now)

Sam took him home, even though he didn't want to go as much as he hated being in that damn hospital room. Cas was unsurprisingly M.I.A and his brother still hyped up on demon blood, yes, Dean could tell that easily. Meanwhile he was weak, vulnerable and Sam being around didn't bring him the certain comfort that he needed, didn't make him want to go back to their piece of crap motel room and lay around doing nothing until they found another hunt or a way to stop the apocalypse from ever happening. Yeah, like that was gonna happen.

Most distressing of all though? Gabe hadn't come to see him since Alistair decided to play with him. Actually, he hadn't seen the archangel for at least a few weeks now, maybe even a few months with how good he had kept track of the time. There was no sign of him, nothing, and as disappointed as he was and how stupid he felt for expecting Gabriel to come when even the slightest thing happened to him, all that was overruled by worry.

The archangel wasn't like this, if he had to go away for a long while, which wasn't too often, he would make sure Dean knew and would give him one last perfect night before he would wake up the next morning to find his bed cold and vacant.

And even then, Gabriel would pop in every couple days or so, no matter how busy he claimed he was, and smother him with kisses and talk with him for a little while. It was never like this and he had never felt such concern and loss as this, waking up in the hospital bed to find he was alone and dead tired and expecting to see him just pop out from behind a corner or something.

Dean called for him, a few times when he had the strength enough to whisper his name or form a coherent thought but it was all so useless. He would just have to wait till he came to him, which hopefully wouldn't be too long even though Dean had the feeling of dread in his gut that told him it might be longer than he wanted it to be.

Sam snuck out as soon as he assumed Dean was asleep just a little after nightfall, leaving Dean to flip through the channels about a hundred times before crawling back into bed and burrowing himself deep under the covers. He was cold and tired and still in enough pain to hate it.

And he still really, desperately missed Gabe. How he felt like he was the only thing that mattered when he dropped by and they could just sit and stare or talk or do whatever for hours and it was always perfect and never boring. This was why he was so broken.

It wasn't even about just getting back from hell or the lost connection with Sammy, he had found something with Gabe. Before he went to hell but even more so after. There were so many things left unsaid and so many actions never taken and the archangel had been just as willing as he was to talk and act and want.

So where the hell was he?

XxX

"Hey."

The voice is soft and gentle though it still brings him out of the deep sleep he was in, the deepest one he's had in months and luckily for him, that means he doesn't have to think about the archangel until morning. Well, didn't have to till now. Despite how low and barely intelligible the word is, it still gives him cause to open his eyes and let them fall upon the disheveled wonder that is Gabriel.

Finally. At last.

He actually can't help but gawk at him for a few moments because Gabriel just looks like he ran five miles and Dean tries to remember a time where he's ever looked like that. It doesn't come to mind no matter how hard he racks his brain. The thing about the archangel is that he's always so flawless, or pretending to be anyway and putting up a damn good argument about it too. He's in perfect condition every time Dean sees him, always grinning and joking around and it's such a peace of mind and sense of relaxation that Dean doesn't do much but melt into it heart and soul.

Gabriel really has been up to something.

He bends down closer to Dean and smiles, "You missed my grand entrance." He holds up a bouquet of assorted flowers, some tulips and roses and whatever the hell else, they smell really good though, even from this distance. "Sauntering in with my flowers and the huge nervous grin of apology on my face. Couldn't wait up for me huh, Deano?"

Yep, it's true. No poker face in sight and this is truly a sight to see. Maybe he should call Sam and they can start to interrogate him.

Dean just stares up at him, tries really hard not to smile because he's incredibly pissed off right now, but fails miserably because he's in actuality so happy and thrilled and desperate for some attention. For a second it almost doesn't matter what Gabriel's been up to for these past few weeks, for just a minute he can't grasp onto the fact that he's here, really wants to grasp onto it so they can exchange apologies, or rather Gabriel can, and they can move onto better things. Although he may really choose sleep now above all else considering the situation.

All that is only for a second though because he looks back upon all the brutal nights where Gabriel wasn't there. Wasn't anywhere in sight and it was agonizing.

"Where the hell were you?"

It's a growl and the last thing he wants to come off as is some sort of feral animal. Dean can't help it though, he wouldn't do what the archangel had done in a heartbeat. It was cruel, heartless, a huge debt that would need to be paid. Sure, he's glad he's here, glad he finally knows he's safe and sound, but he also needs to sleep and rest and just relax for one goddamn minute like the doctor and Sammy told him but he can't, can't because now that the worry is gone the anger is here, even more than before and he just doesn't even know what he wants anymore.

Gabriel sets the flowers down on the dresser and crawls into bed with the human, scoots close until he can breathe Dean in and relax and let himself realize that he's back and staying this time. At least, he wants to stay this time. Dean doesn't move, he's too tired and uncaring too. Gabriel's arms around him feel so nice and they're something he's wanted to give into for weeks but hasn't had the option to. Dean scoots a little closer, knows he can rest now that his archangel's here.

"Busy." It's a stupid stupid answer but Gabriel doesn't have anything better, not even the real reason.

Gabriel's voice is a whisper, his voice a sweet melody in the human's ears and it's too bad that the word has to enrage him even more and make him wonder about whether Gabriel even cares at all, even knew what it was like to wonder if you were going to die and if you would even have the chance to say goodbye to the one person who could always take all the pain away with a single look.

"Busy doing what?"

"Trying not to think about you." He buries his face deeper in Dean's shoulder, rubs his hand along the soft skin there and kisses it gently. Gabriel pictures Dean's perfect smile and knows he wouldn't deserve to see it, not even if he begged for it.

Dean sits up a little at that, wonders why the current look on Gabriel's face is so haunted like he's just seen a ghost, though that would never affect him, and clearly guilty of something that he really wants to find out.

"I waited for you," he's so comfortable right at this moment that he almost doesn't want to speak a word. "Figured you would stop by to bring me some lousy hospital coffee or something after a while. Sam told me you wouldn't show, just didn't think he'd be right on that one."

He won't be right anymore, Dean. I'll make sure of that. I promise. Just because Sam thinks he can take care of you on his own and handle being on demon blood doesn't mean I trust him enough or don't get to take care of you either. There's so much I want to say, Dean. So much I need to make you understand but I think being human makes you not want to understand a single thing and at the same time wanting to. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, which is why I'm not saying it.

"I'm sorry," the archangel abruptly says, trying not to let his words run together and trying desperately not to think that being here is a bad idea and exactly what he didn't want not two days before.

"I wanted to be there, just didn't think it was a good idea." Like you can say something like that to Dean Winchester, in another minute he'll turn it around to 'It's okay, don't worry about me. I was perfectly fine and didn't need you to baby me. Sam was doing enough of that, thank you very much, fluffing my pillows every five minutes and giving me enough coffee and pain medication that I thought my head was gonna freaking explode.'

He knows Dean so well now and he loves that.

Dean still doesn't know him well enough though and he's afraid.

The human's agitated face immediately dissolves into one of anger just like he was expecting it would. Dean doesn't want it to because Gabriel looks so hurt and like he's suffering or something but what about him? What about the waiting day in and day out for him to just stop by for five goddamn minutes and tell him he hopes he gets better or some bullshit like that? What about the…?

"Didn't think it was a good idea for you maybe. Ever think of me?" He bites down on his tongue hard after that because he's at the brink of exploding for so many different reasons but everything involving Gabriel, the one person who he can hate and love at the same time. Particularly can't even begin to pick one of those things right now.

"Dean," it feels like a shot in the dark, that one little word because he can't make his mouth move to add anymore words to accompany it. He loves Dean, so much but he can scarcely imagine what he thinks, what he took his actions to mean, what he must have felt simply because he didn't show up when Dean needed him the most.

He would have a lot of making up to do, if he was even going to stay at all.

"I know you're mad at me." He hasn't moved for one moment since accompanying Dean in the bed, is scared to because Dean could slip out of his hold both emotionally and physically and it'd be entirely his fault if that happened. He jumps every time Dean moves an inch now because he thinks of all that could still happen.

"Gee," Dean rolls over and gives him a spectacular, probably still bruised though, view of his back. "How long did it take you to figure that out?"

Gabriel sighs, surprisingly doesn't force him to turn back over. Dean does after about a minute or two anyway, just cause he missed Gabriel and nothing he ever does will change the way he feels about him or about what they have. Gabriel never beats himself up like he is over this and in a fit of furious passion, Dean wants to smother him with kisses even though the way the archangel is looking down at him and the thick silence shows he wants to talk about something.

Can't this wait? So tired and pissed and I want you, Gabe. Just not right now.

"I'm terrified sometimes, Dean."

The archangel lays down a little more in bed but the human can feel how tense and nervous he is about opening up like this. He hardly ever opens up, neither of them do except when Gabriel forced him to after he got back from the pit because everything was eating away at him too much and he couldn't deal with both that and Sam alone.

Gabriel's pushing had helped then and now he had to stop being an ass and do something.

"Terrified of what?"

The archangel hasn't been able to look him straight in the eye since he got here. It's yet another thing that he hasn't experienced before, makes him realize how much Gabriel does love him after all and how much he has changed.

"Terrified of losing you."

"Yeah Gabe. You almost did."

Like that morning I woke up in the hospital and thought I was dead until I saw Sam downing a bag of demon blood and scrabbling to get up to ask me if I was okay. Like that very same night when I was alone and in pain and Sam was trying to make it better but I just pushed him away because I only wanted you to make it better.

"No," he quickly says, "I knew you would be okay. That it would take you a while to heal and that maybe you shouldn't have me around for it."

Dean scoots closer even though he has a strange urge to push away. He's glad he doesn't though, "Why not? I wanted you there." Needed you there, you idiot.

Gabriel opens his mouth a couple times before he can finally get a decent word out, "I'm just so terrified of how I feel about you. I just…" he turns away, fingers the flower petals and wonders why he bought them after all. They look so sad and now that he's out of the hospital they don't matter and could never express to Dean just how much he cares. Enough to give anything. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Tough." Dean pulls his head further down, forces Gabriel to look at him, "Cause you are. If not now then soon, Gabe. I mean it. I'm gonna need a decent explanation, no more fucking around."

Gabriel meets his eyes willingly, wants to now because Dean's eyes are beautiful and so deep and Dean is so worth it. He pets his hair affectionately and kisses his human gently on the cheek, "You know I love you, right?"

How could I even think about leaving him for a second? No matter how tangible that thought seemed all those times in the last month.

"I would hope so."

"Dean…"

"Yeah yeah," he snuggles into the archangel further, adores (like always) how soft and real he feels, like him not being here would be (should be) impossible even though he wasn't for so long (too long) and he literally doesn't want to get out of bed ever again because this is the only thing he wants. "I know I'm all yours, Gabe," Dean smiles because he knows nothing else could be more true.

"Sometimes I think we'd both just be better off if we went our separate ways and…"

"Don't Gabriel." This is exactly what he doesn't want to hear the first moment that Gabriel comes back, doesn't want to hear it because it's painful and it can't be true. Gabriel can't be seriously thinking these things, not after all we've been through. You think hell would've been the worst and it's not. I guess this is my punishment for thinking the same things back then, for thinking I wasn't good enough. "Don't put me through this, not tonight." It's a desperate plea, muffled by the pillow and at any other moment Gabriel would chuckle and ruffle his hair. He only does the latter and it's affectionate but not in the way it normally is. This time it feels more hesitant and rough.

"Okay," the archangel, on a whim, grabs the human and hugs him tightly to his chest, let's go a little when Dean groans softly and squirms around a little. "Sorry. You must be hurting still. I am too a little."

Dean quirks an eyebrow, "You didn't get mangled by a demon who tortured you for thirty years and left for dead in the hospital did you?"

"No," Gabriel shakes his head, catching a brief glimpse of how much Dean had been put through. That was one reason he couldn't come, among the many others, couldn't dare look at the human when he was like that and be expected not to blame himself for every little thing. "Not as bad as that."

Although an angel did try to kill me and nearly succeeded, which is probably why my side hurts like Thor crushed it with his damn hammer, and a couple humans had the nerve to attempt to outsmart me. They just don't know me like you do, Deano. They don't know how freaking awesome I am. It's too bad that I can't see it right now.

"I'm sor…" He tries because he really does feel bad, really does love him more than he lets on sometimes.

Dean's arms let go of the pillow he's been clutching and his body settles for just relaxing against Gabe, finding wanting him to be quite a good enough reason to butt in. "It's fine. Just shut up and let me sleep. And we'll talk about this in the morning, so you better be here."

He's pretty sure he's staying now, being here with Dean is reason enough.

XxX

He doesn't know how many hours he spends looking down at Dean, thinking about all they've gone through, all that they could still have, build for themselves and he'd even let Sam tag along, like he always does anyway, if it meant he'd get to be with Dean always and have to face no consequences, have to experience no fears that come with loving someone too much that it's not even understandable.

Too bad that what he just said would be a perfect world and he hasn't been able to find one yet.

Cause it doesn't exist. Never could.

There isn't a lot at stake, there never really was until now, when the only thing at stake happens to be a huge thing that he can't bring himself to live without even though he tried, succeeded for about four weeks until he had to see the state of him and just had to give in even though he knew what it meant.

He can't keep on walking away from Dean, if he comes back, which he did and there was a piece of him that knew he would have, it would be impossible to leave because Dean is irresistible and stubborn and needy in a way that he will rarely let show.

There's something fascinating about watching Dean sleep, particularly now, where he's sprawled in what looks like the most uncomfortable position but his body allows it to bring him closer to Gabriel. It's so adorable and so unlike Dean that he sits there next to him, holding him, bewildered for many minutes before his eyes drift over all that Dean Winchester is, his fine features, delicate eyelashes, decadent lips meant to claim in a kiss and a muscular form that's to die for, even drenched in sweat from when he's dug up graves before drifting back into the motel and literally jumping on top of Gabriel like he hasn't seen him in years.

They've kinda been through that before though, so he knows the feeling.

And the archangel's just as excited to see him, ignoring looks from Sam that he doesn't even take the time to interpret because he's so centered on Dean, before heading into the room next door and going at it with all they've got. Then they stare and talk quietly for hours, Dean getting pissed off because both his brother and the archangel want him to open up about being down in the pit and Gabriel has the good and bad sense enough to push him and when he pushes back grabs Dean and doesn't ask, demands that he say something no matter how much he doesn't want to.

How much it may hurt.

It's over now for the most part, but they'll get that night every once in a while that almost makes it feel like the old days, the fear of hell and Sam trying so hard but it didn't add up to anything and Ruby and Bela. Bela. The only person back then who could truly connect and who cared enough so it mattered greatly, as much as Dean needed to deny it for himself.

Gabriel remembers jealousy, remembers wanting Dean more than he's ever wanted anyone.

Reminisces upon what he was willing to do.

Love. Be loved. Kill. Be killed.

Fight. Die. Remember every patch of Dean's skin miraculously sewn back together by Castiel, all for him to claim and touch and obsess over in his daydreams. He remembers the all too familiar burning sensation that was enough to set every inch of his grace on edge and what it felt like to be looked upon by Dean in the same way, equivalent to being doused in flames and resurrected from the ashes. Gabriel brushes Dean's hair back, he won't be bothered by hell or Alistair tonight, or plaguing thoughts of failing his brother when really Sam is still in there somewhere, the geeky kid brother that he used to be to Dean.

He'll be here for it all because he wants to be. Every step Dean takes now just like he promised himself when the human came back from the pit.

He'll be that ever constant reminder that someone out there loves Dean Winchester and isn't afraid to show it.