Disclaimer: Gintama is crafted in Sorachi Hideaki's genius mind and I only fell prey to his teasing.
Very especial thanks to my dearest Sorcerousfang who kindly volunteered to beta this work. She is also a fantastic author, check her out!
THE HAKOATSU ARC
Urrg…. Oww…..My head…..I had one drink too many...
What the hell happened yesterday after that…?
Crap, I can't remember.
…
More like…. Where the hell am I?
Gintoki looked around a luxurious Western style bedroom with a huge four-poster bed where he had just awoken. As he sat up, he noticed…
Why am I… naked?
This is….
He realized suddenly that he was not alone in the big bed. His soul sank to the depths of hell and back in panic. Through the corner of his eye, he could see that there was someone under the covers next to him.
H-hold on….this can't be for real…
W-wait… Seriously?
…
No, really wait! Hasn't this already happened? Didn't we already have a scandal arc? What kind of lazy author would re-use the same simple plot? Unless….unless this is not the manga, or the anime… unless…
"If this is a fanfic, I'm fucked," he said out loud.
There was a rustle of fabric to his right and panic rose again in his throat.
He knew those fanfic bastards were merciless, way worse than the gorilla. They indulged in all sorts of pairings, no matter how inappropriate or degraded. For all he knew, there, next to him, could be anyone, or anything…
Right, right, Gin-san, don't lose it just yet. This is Gintama, after all; nobody expects much character development… Try to think… If I were a frustrated fan, longing for some real romance involving my favourite smoking hot and charismatic main character, who would I choose?
Obviously one of the many pretty ladies surrounding him like a beehive, right? But who? Sarutobi…? (ugh!) Tsukuyo…? (mmm...), Otae? (Hell no! or he wouldn't survive this chapter).
However, if he thought about Gintama fic pairings carefully…
Shifty noises came from the duvet next to him once again.
… in statistical terms…
A low yawn and more rustling noises…
No, no, no, no, no…..
A glimpse of silky black hair…
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
V-shaped bangs…
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Lesson 1: Bedsheets in movies always (conveniently) hide all the interesting bits
(Please, insert here your favourite Gintama opening tune)
First, sleepy blue eyes were on his.
"Mmmm."
Then, confused blue eyes were on his.
"Huh?"
Next, bulging out of their sockets, panicking blue orbs were all over the bed and the room.
"HUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?"
And finally, a pair of murderous, demonic, dilated pupils pierced through him like spears.
"Yorozuya…" came the hiss at which Gintoki couldn't respond to but with a stupid twitchy smile and a futile raise of both his hands defensively.
"What does this mean? What have you done to me this time, arsehole?"
"Me? What have you done to Gin-san, demon policeman!?"
"Urggh, I don't have time for Yorozuya bullshit now; I'm in the middle of an important operation."
"You mean you were last night…"
"Why? What time is it?"
"Almost midday."
"Wha..!?" The vice commander of the Shinsengumi quickly grabbed the covers to get out of bed, and just as quickly stopped himself mid-action…
"Wh-… why am I… "
"…naked?" completed Gintoki. "Well, I'm glad you've caught up with me. I was precisely at that point of my inner monologue when you woke up."
Hijikata's eyebrow twitched compulsively.
"Why..? Are you also…"
"…naked?" completed the silver haired man once more. For an answer, he glanced briefly at the spinning fan above the bed.
Hijikata's eyes followed his and soon not only his eyebrow but his whole face was twitching grotesquely at the offending sight of Gintoki's strawberry underpants turning somewhat mockingly, attached to the fan above their heads.
When they looked at each other again, they became a puddle of cold sweat running wildly down their faces.
"Do you mean we have…"
"No, we can't have…"
"Right… we can't, but then what's going on?"
"What the hell do I know?"
"You mean you don't remember?"
"Not a fucking clue. Wait, you don't remember either?"
"I just have this massive headache."
"Wait, how drunk were we last night?"
"I couldn't have been, I was working!"
"So was I, but you know…"
"Whatever, this kind of shit only happens when you are around, fucking Yorozuya!"
"What? You're automatically blaming me even when you don't remember a goddamned shit?"
"Who else's fault could it be, jackass?"
Hijikata would have gladly beaten the lazy bastard to a pulp, but he was too grossed out by the idea of touching him.
"Hijikata-kun, I hate to inform you that whatever happened in this room last night was most likely entirely consensual."
"Shut your trap, scum! How could it be!? If it had been I would have had a smoke afterwards."
Gintoki's face contorted in sync with his pointing finger towards Hijikata's bedside table where an ashtray with not one but two cigarette butts rested.
The blood drained from the vice commander's face while a ridiculously out-of-place smug smirk crossed Gintoki's face right before the realization hit him…
"The evil vice commander took Gin-san's most precious treasure!" started crying the Yorozuya.
"Don't jump to the victim's place so quickly, perverted ass!" said Hijikata, pointing at the bedside table on the opposite side, where the ends of two cigars laid as definitive evidence of not only consensual, but a rather enjoyable evening indeed.
"How can you use such a word given the current circumstances!?" asked Gintoki scandalized. With all the evidence hitting him in the face, Gintoki had finally lost it. In contrast, Hijikata had at least found some relief in his recently discovered packet of Mayoboros and was releasing a long, satisfied, smoky sigh.
"How can you be so calm, you bastard!? You've disgraced Gin-san for life!"
"I have disgraced you, scoundrel!? I'm a police officer! An example of rectitude that the next generation of Shinsengumi look upon. I have a status to maintain; who cares what befalls a lowlife like you!?"
"But Gin-san has feelings too..." moaned Gintoki dramatically.
"Stop being gross, moron!"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Both discomposed faces turned green as they looked straight into each other's eyes in horror.
Who knew they were here!?
"Hijikata-sama," said a female voice from the other side of the door. "Hijikata-sama sir, this is the hotel management."
Both men released a sigh of relief.
"Hold on a minute, I'm coming!"
Hijikata grabbed the sheet and pulled it around his hips to stand up and go open the door.
"The hell are you doing, shitty mayora!?"
"Do you want me to open the door naked, you imbecile!?" said the vice commander as he pulled at the sheet harder, which in turn pulled along Gintoki, who was holding to it for dear life.
When Hijikata grabbed the doorknob, he noticed a presence beside him wrapped in the opposite edge of the double sheet and with a pinkie digging deep into his nostril.
"What the fuck…" hissed the vice commander. "Do you think this is a happy family reunion, idiot? Get the fuck away from me!" he shouted as he pressed a hand to Gintoki's face and squashed it against the wall behind the door. He then pressed his body against the opening door to hide their connecting sheet and his violent pressure on Gintoki's face.
Gintoki could see through the door crack the small woman on the opposite side of the door who instantly let her eyes drop to the floor at the sight of the semi-naked man in front of her.
"Hijikata-sama, I just came to inform you that your room reservation was for only one night and you are required to proceed to check-out within the next 30 minutes."
What the hell is she blushing for? Gintoki thought while allowing a lazy look at the other man's backside now tightly wrapped in the white fabric. Oh well… I suppose he is the Shinsengumi's pretty boy after all…
"Hai hai, will do," replied the black haired man before closing the door unceremoniously.
The bastard lacked any kind of lady manners, that much was clear. No wonder he hadn't had a single chick interested in him in over five hundred lessons (none alive, that is).
"What are you looking at, moron?" Hijikata asked, vein popping up and pulsating on his forehead.
Gintoki had in fact been caught staring at the bastard's back, not for the reasons that all of you perverts think, but because he had spotted something that had made his blood freeze instantly within his veins. Something that, given the murderous look he was getting from his sheet companion, couldn't be brought to his attention under any circumstances.
"I've had it, you lecherous lowlife! Where is my sword!?"
Gintoki's senses sprang into action as his self-preservation instinct took control. His eyes scanned the room at full speed. They both located the vice commander's katana on the other side of the bed at the same time and Gintoki immediately pulled the sheet in the opposite direction, with an effort that made the officer fly straight into a wall, hitting his back and head, which was already painful due to the hangover.
Hijikata released a feral groan, and before Gintoki could even register it, he had launched a furious fist aimed at his lazy face at incredible speed. Gintoki closed his eyes as he resigned himself to the unavoidable impact that never came. Instead, he felt the other man rushing past him and towards the sword.
He couldn't help but smirk; that bastard had fooled him, but he wouldn't get too far. Gintoki grabbed the sheet and pulled with all his strength while keeping a tight grip on the portion around his waist, although not before the other man managed to get ahold of one of the bed posters, resulting in Hijikata being suspended in mid-air thanks to the tightest ever sheet-pull. Their effort was clear on both of their faces as they were completely unwilling to let go of the cloth shielding their nether places.
Suddenly, a metallic voice filled the room.
"Vice Commander Hijikata."
Both men froze and looked at each other in horror for the third time that morning.
"Vice Commander, are you there?" called Yamazaki's voice again through the radio.
Their eyes snapped at once towards the spot on the floor between them, where a yukata that must have been Hijikata's lay.
Taking advantage of Gintoki's distraction, Hijikata pulled himself up and above the bed using the bed poster for leverage, and made the Yorozuya fly through the room and hit the opposite wall. Then, in a swift move, he grabbed his katana, unsheathed it, and charged viciously towards Gintoki who stood bruised against the wall after the painful impact. However, he had to stop his sword mere centimetres from Gintoki's throat when he heard the latter's voice.
"What is it Jimmy-kun?" Gintoki said, holding the radio to his mouth with one hand and the Shinsengumi's yukata with the other.
This bastard's fast…
The two men's eyes locked in a defiant glare.
"Emmm... Vice Commander, is that you? Where are you? Still tailing the Hakoatsu leader?"
"What's it gonna be, Vice Commander?" asked Gintoki venomously. "Shall we let Zaki here know that you are in a post-coital brawl in a love hotel with the Yorozuya? As you said before… unlike me, you have a reputation to maintain…"
Hijikata's infamous death glare washed over Gintoki mercilessly, but the latter didn't even flinch and instead shot a quick look at the sword that the other man was holding to his throat.
The clash of the blade against the floor marked the end of a short and tense silence after the sword was sent flying to the other side of the room. In the next second, Hijikata's hand was on the radio and Gintoki's body relaxed and slid down to the floor, hand on his battered head.
"Yamazaki… unfortunately, I got sidetracked into some slippery business by a punk, but I will be on my way to the barracks in no time. Tell Sougo to gather for me all the information available about the Hakoatsu group, their members, financial sources and connections to amanto or local ronin groups."
"Yes sir!"
"And Yamazaki…" added Hijikata, looking straight down at Gintoki. "You leave everything else and prepare a report on the activities of the Yorozuya boss during the last 24 hours."
"On Danna, sir?"
"Shut up and do as you're told. And keep this strictly confidential. It's now your first priority."
"Y…yes, sir!"
Hijikata closed the communication and threw the radio on the bed. He turned his back towards Gintoki who stood up slowly, scratching his head.
"Using the Shinsengumi's resources for personal matters now, are we?"
"As you heard, I was in the middle of a mission last night, and the loss of my short-term memory as well as certain reckless actions may well be related to that. Moreover, perhaps it doesn't matter to you, but I'm not satisfied with not knowing whatever happened bet… t-to us last night. And I would be disgraced as a samurai and as a man if I don't get to the bottom of it."
Gintoki looked at his back in silence, particularly at the long scratches he had spotted earlier. He relaxed the grip on the sheet that had linked their bodies together for the past few hours and let it go when it was pulled from around him as the other man flew into the bathroom, closing the door behind him without a second glance.
"Hakoatsu, huh…"
Author's note: Here is my first attempt at a Gintama fanfic, I thought it would be fun to try. Even though English is not my mother tongue it is the language in which I read Gintama so it was somewhat easier. Please, let me know what you think, especially if there is any scene or part that you like or don't like in particular.