Disclaimer: This is a FANFICTION site! Why would I own anything here???
The students of Shiz University exchanged baffled glances at one another as they filed into the main auditorium. None of them had heard anything about an assembly today- not that the majority actually paid attention to the day's announcements- and nobody could think of a reason why there would be one.
Once the general din had died down, Madame Morrible, dressed in her finest (ahem, cough) powdered wig, stood in front of a podium on the stage and began her speech.
"Fellow Shiz-ians," she said in a booming voice (Galinda bristled incredulously as the headmistress used her personal phrase for the students) "I have, as always, been dutifully watching over your activities- both social and academic- in an attempt to make your stay at Shiz University a successful one. And after monitoring you're actions over the course an extensive period of time, I feel the need to ask: HAVE YOU ALL LOST YOU'RE EFFING LITTLE OZIAN MINDS?????"
The entire class jumped collectively, save the little green girl from Crage Hall, who merely blinked and muttered, "Um…is that a trick question?"
Morrible glared at her. "Yes, let's start with you, Miss Thropp,"
Elphaba raised an eyebrow. "Er- did I volunteer for anything?"
"For some time now," the headmistress continued as though she hadn't heard her, "It has been common knowledge that you have been hankering after one Master Tiggular, correct?"
Apparently it wasn't correct, for all of her peers began to buzz excitedly. Elphaba slumped low in her chair, grumbling something indecisive.
"I surmised as much," Morrible went on, as though Elphie had actually said something coherent. "And yet, it has come to my attention that you have been CAHOOTLING WITH MISS GALINDA IN YOUR SHARED DORM ROOM AS WELL???"
Again, the students' eyes widened, but for a different reason- everybody knew that Greenie and Pinkie were an item, but the debate over whether "cahootling" was an actual word was too urgent to be silenced.
Madame Morrible banged a gavial that some moron had decided to give to her. "I am just as shocked and appalled as you are!" she cried, bringing the students attention back to her again. "However, I am sadden to say there is more than this one horrid paradox that plagues this fine institution of fine higher education!"
She paused for dramatic effect- or possibly so that Fiyero could finish looking up the word "paradox" from the dictionary Boq had loaned him. Galinda, glad for once not to be the center of attention, leaned forward eagerly in the hopes of more dishy news.
Much to her shock, Morrible whirled on her! "Miss Upland!" she shouted uproariously. "Is it not true that when that incepted little munchkin boy came groveling to you for the approximate five hundredth twenty fifth thousandth six hundredth time, you actually ACCEPTED????"
In unison, every lung in the room sucked in air sharply. All eyes were on Galinda, who said defensively, "What? He's persistent! Persistence is cute! Right? RIGHT?!"
In a flash, Morrible had switched to another helpless victim. "And Bick-"
"Boq," he corrected automatically.
"As if anyone cares- you actually DECLINED???"
Every heterosexual male in the room recoiled at least three inches away from his general direction.
"You don't understand!" he wailed. "I just asked her out of habit- Nessarose already wanted me to go shoe shopping with her that day! And Nessa needs her Boq-y to push her around the marketplace in case her arms get tired!"
The room was so quiet, even the crickets were too creeped out to chirp.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Madame Morrible said, turning back to the group at large, "Is this sane behavior? NO, NO, NO! That is why I have called this intervention, to un-poison your minds, to free you of all the ideals psychotic fan fiction writers have planted in your heads! We-"
"Uh, Madame?" a voice called out from the audience.
Morrible blinked. "Yes, Master Tibbett?"
Tibbett stood up. "Uh, I'm pretty sure I know where this is going, and I blew off studying for the test that I have next period-" he looked apologetically at Dr. Dillamond, who was standing with the other faculty members- "so, can I just go? I assure you, I have always been a secondary homosexual character in book-verse, who has never been paired with anybody but my canon partner- not even that highly-disturbing Tiger freak."
Morrible nodded approvingly at him.
"Oh," he added, "And can Crope come, too? He's totally over that time where he tried to grope Shenshen-that was just a fluke."
Crope nodded in earnest. Shenshen threw him a dirty look over her shoulder.
"Oh very well," the headmistress said impatiently. The two of them bolted. "Now, to get back to business- you people have gone completely insane. You cannot ignore your common love-triangles! It is simply not compatible with the laws of literary nature! Defying these laws would be along the same grounds as-"
"Defying gravity?" asked Elphaba snidely. Her classmates snickered.
Morrible's eyes blazed on her like hot coals. "Do not take that tone with me, Miss Thropp," she said dangerously. "You and I have often had differences in opinion as well as verbal snares, but this kind of behavior cannot be tolerated!"
"Oh, please," Elphie said, rolling her eyes. "Even in a parody, your still the pompous ingrate you've always been, not the voice of reason."
The class "oooooooooooooooh" collectively at this daring remark.
"You dare insult me?" Morrible hissed, her pupils drawn in cat-like slits. "You, the freakish walking-vegetable who's sexual preferences denounce-"
"Give it a rest," Elphaba cut her off tiredly. "We all know you've been having non-cannon affairs with the Wizard for years."
Everyone nodded, including the staff. And a few flying monkeys, who had appeared conceivably from nowhere.
"I-but- that-!" Morrible stammered.
"Oh, and let's not forget the kinky tic-tock sex with that weirdo tin can from the book," Elphie added coolly.
Boq cleared his throat uncomfortably.
"Oh, er- aluminum can, then," she amended
Morrible's face was beat red. "Well at least I do it in my own universe!" she cried defiantly. "Where as you, you emerald little harpy-you transcend the literary laws of time and space! Never have I seen anyone as promiscuous in cross-pairings as you! Why, just yesterday I read a fic in which the nerdy redheaded fellow from RENT somehow managed to drop out of the sky for no apparent reason-"
"Five bucks says a tornado was involved somehow!" Fiyero cried, waving a dollar-bill in the air.
"Quiet!" Morrible barked at him, before returning to her prime target. "He dropped into the Ozdust, landed on your lap, and after you tended to his wounds you bonded over your shared geeky tendencies and wound up under the punch table in less than an hour! Then, once you used your powers to send the both of you to New York, you ended up sleeping with his evil landlord- who is married, and also having an affair with that bipolar bisexual!!!"
Elphaba yawned. "Oh, excuse me, I'm still just a little tired from all that," she murmured condescendingly. "Which reminds me-" she stood up "I'm supposed to drop unceremoniously into The Phantom's world after Christine leaves him to comfort him and wallow in our shared freakish misery in a gothic romance right about now." She shuddered, then started for the door.
"MISS ELPHABA!!" Morrible screeched, "YOU HOLD ON A MINUTE THERE, MISSY, YOU CAN'T JUST-"
"Remember to get me Raoul's number this time!!!" Boq called after her.
"I'll try," she promised, before disappearing in a cloud of trademark green smoke.
"DAMMIT!!!" Morrible shouted, finally breaking her professional façade. "GET BACK HERE, YOU GREEN GUTTERSNIPE!!!!"
Nessarose's face darkened. "What was that about Raoul, Boq-y?" she asked dangerously.
Boq did a decent impression of growing a backbone. "Oh, knock it off, Nessa! Raoul and I deserve each other! Were both such- sops! We deserve each other, we're both totally irksome fops…!"
"Dude, this isn't a songfic, it's a pairing parody- keep up," Fiyero snapped, annoyed that someone was upstaging him using his own song.
"Can't it be a book-verse parody instead?" Milla whined somewhere from the back. "I get so sick of seeing Nessie drooling over my husband!"
"Say what???" Nessarose rolled over to her faster than a NASCAR racer could manage. "Oh HECK no-where are my slippers? I'm wanna literally kick this little girl's-"
Madame Morrible sighed, noting that it was a loss cause, and banged her gavel again in dismissal. "Get your hormonal posteriors back to class," she said tiredly, privately wishing someone would summon her to a Wizard pairing fic- she could do with a little ravishing after dealing with the dolts that roamed her dormitories.
A/N: I scare myself sometimes, I really do. Anyway…make the sick author feel better! Gimme vitamin review!