Disclaimer: All of everything belongs to J.K.R. Oh, and the lyrics? Those are by The Format
A/N: This one-shot is a different sort of one-shot for me, for I've never really done anything Snape-y. I don't know which muse attacked and gave me this idea, because I wasn't expecting it. Because of this I think I struggled with cannon a bit, but OH WELL. Enjoy the crazy Snape fic that I never intended on writing.
I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my god I gave my best but for three whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart? I can't stop if you can't start
Do you want to fall apart? I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I've become
Pain ripped through Severus Snape's body, tearing him apart from the inside out. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't see anything except for the headlines that flashed viciously before his eyes, a constant reminder the how he'd ruined everything.
They were all dead, dead, dead, but they were all the wrong people. Those he'd thought, dreamed, wished, hoped, would live were gone, gone, gone, and never coming back. A ripple of agony washed over his body, tearless sobs shaking what was left of him.
He could hear the crashes, his heart breaking into a million pieces, the vase on the mantle falling to the ground through his anger and fright. His wand brandished, he tore the house to shreds because he didn't want to live here anymore, didn't want to live at all. He wanted to die, die, die, join them all in death and never have to face the light of day again.
Betrayal.
He'd been promised she would live. All the rest could die as long as she lived. Was he not important enough that promises to him did not matter? Voldemort had killed his Lily anyway! She was gone too, along with the rest of her damn Potter family.
Revenge.
There would be no mercy for a crime such as this. If anything, he could remedy the agony through death, killing the one who killed his love. But no! Potter had to go steal that from his as well. The headlines played again, blurring in his brain, but never ending.
Potter family dead, but one lives!
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named defeated by one year old Harry Potter, bearing nothing but a scar from the attack!
Known fighters of You-Know-Who, Lily and James Potter killed, but their son remains…
He would leave, Severus Snape decided. He could not live in this world of magic without his Lily. He would escape for into the wilderness, away from London, away from what lay a mess at his feet. He would never forget his Lily even if he wanted to, but he forget the disaster that had taken place that night. If he didn't have to read another headline he'd be pleasantly happy, living in the delusion that she still lived.
Living in the delusion that it wasn't his fault.
It was all his fault.
With that thought in mind Severus Snape had his things packed with a flick of his wand, quickly pulling himself together. He did not pack much for he did not much want to be reminded of this life, this life that once held beauty and meaning and Lily.
He could break down later; for now it was time to move. He refused to stay in this place any longer, refused to live, refused to admit to himself the mistakes he'd made, the events that let up to the inevitable. Her Death.
He could of, should of, down something to stop it, to prevent it, pleading with the Dark Lord was not enough if only-
"Severus."
The man turned, taking a moment to adjust his eyes as he faced Albus Dumbledore, the least of all people he wanted to see at this very moment.
"Not now, Albus-"
"There is some place I must show you, Severus. Please, come with me."
--
From the first moment Severus met Lily Evans he knew he wanted to be a teacher. It was his calling, his destiny, the one this perhaps, above all else, that he was good at.
She'd been so small and frightened when he first met her, and he supposed it was his fault but he was so desperate to talk to her, to know her, to be with her. She was beautiful then, even as a child. Yet, she knew nothing of magic. It was clear she was a witch, but a muggleborn at that, and all Severus wanted to do was teach her.
He was lucky that they'd been friends, lucky she'd ever accepted him, pitiful as he was. They were children then, one more innocent than the other, but Severus desired nothing more than her. It didn't matter that, later in life, his Slytherin friends teased him for loving her like he did. He was forced to call her names, didn't mean to hurt her so, especially didn't mean to give Potter the leverage over him.
He'd thought they were best friends. He'd thought that that fact would never change. He'd shared with her everything, his hopes, his fears, his desires. She must have known how he loved her, how he wanted her more than anybody or anything in the world.
He'd torn them apart, though, with his silly prejudices and atrocities. She'd stuck up for him when Potter and Black teased him, but he could never mange to stick up for her. Instead he resorted to pity name calling and childish acts.
Eventually, he'd fallen so far away from her, so far into the Dark Arts that tantalized him so, that she rejected him completely.
But Severus never stopped loving her.
"Why are we here?" Severus demanded, glaring at the man beside him. They sat silently together on a stone wall, just outside of a muggle house and the distraught wizard could not see what the purpose of this was. All he wanted was for the fool Dumbledore to tell him what he needed to know before he could begin his life somewhere else.
Albus Dumbledore was never one for getting straight to the point, though, a fact that irritated Severus far beyond any man should be irritated.
"Do you see that house? Number four?"
"Yes, Albus, I'm not blind."
"In that house resides a boy who knows not of what has just taken place, who will not know for ten more years, and will live the beginning of his life in pure ignorance to the terrors that plague our world.
"Eventually, though, his true heritage will be discovered. He will come to Hogwarts to study magic, like any other student, except for this boy is time spent in the school-in the wizarding world-will not be like any other student's. His past will plague him, the future becoming even darker, for Lord Voldemort is not gone for good, Severus. Surely you must know?"
Severus Snape did not turn to look at the old professor, instead favoring to stare at the muggle house, realizing exactly which boy lay inside. The unbearable agony returned, his heart being ripped out of his chest, but Severus did not let the headmaster know this. He'd become an expert at masking his emotions, and right now the only one he welcomed was the anger that fueled him so strongly.
"What does this have to do with me? I know," he choked, his syllables breaking up, voice cracking, tears threatening to escape. "Part of this may be my fault, but-"
"Do you seek redemption for your sins, Severus?"
This question, direct as it was, startled Severus. He'd felt the guilt in his soul for the crimes he'd committed, but did he want to fix the mess he'd made? Was there anything he could do to fix it?
"Does it matter, really?"
Albus Dumbledore laughed, his low voice echoing in the streets of the muggle community. Severus glanced about, worried somebody might have heard. They all seemed to nosy here, extremely obsessed with being perfect. If only they knew the dangers and mysterious that lived within their tiny little drive.
"This boy, as he enters our world of magic, will be attacked from all angles. Lord Voldemort is not gone, he is only hindered, and when he returns I guarantee his first priority will be to kill the boy that stopped him, this quiet night. It shall be our job, now that his parents are gone, to keep this boy safe, not just for him, but for all of the wizarding community."
"It is not my job, as it might be yours, to protect the wizarding community," Severus countered angrily. Did he not know whom he was speaking to? Did the foolish headmaster not know that Severus was-had been-a faithful servant to the same man he was being asked to stop? He refused to engage himself in this affair, to tie himself so tightly to matters which he wanted to forget forever.
"Then for Lily, Severus. Perhaps, if you can save her son, her only remaining heir than forgiveness will come to you easier. Lily Potter is gone, but her son remains. She died to protect him, and think of how nice it would be to know her closet friend would do the same."
This struck Severus deeply, tearing more gashes in his heart, for up until now the world had ended for him. His life, his meaning, his love was gone. And yet, this remaining thread, this remaining connect, remained, sleeping soundly in the confides of the muggle house.
"For Lily, I will lose my life before her son loses his."
"Good!" Dumbledore exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "I am in due need of a potions master, as you might have heard."
Potions.
He taught Lily potions, his best subject, and she'd been a natural. Of course, Lily was good at nearly everything she did, but Severus took pride in helping her excel in the delicate subject which troubled her so, at first.
He wasn't sure if he wanted to share that with anybody else but her, though. He'd much rather take up the dark arts post, that one always needed to be filled…
Potions was just another hideous reminder of the life that was now gone, left behind along with is love and hope and dreams.
"You shall teach at Hogwarts and in time you will come understand the extend of the protection of Lily's son. Your day will come, Severus."
Severus sighed, thinking it was prudent he'd already packed his bags. There was no getting out of this, especially now that Albus Dumbledore had involved himself. His loyalties had been changed, jerked so quickly to the other side, and Severus knew that fate had no intentions of making this easy for him. But he would remember, above all else he would remember, this was for Lily.
He always knew he was supposed to be a teacher, after all.
--
Severus Snape really did hate teaching. It had been enjoyable with Lily Evans, but that was because he fancied her. That was because Lily Evans was a good listener, eager to learn, unlike those he was forced to pound potions into every single day.
That was not the worst part of his career as a teacher, though.
Harry Potter, in essence, was the bane of his existence.
If only Lily had married somebody, anybody, else rather than Potter. If she wasn't going to choose him could she have at least chosen somebody that didn't want to make him kill himself every time he saw him?
He'd thought, at first, that when nothing was left for them they could both relish in their hate for James Potter, the prick who insisted on asking his Lily out at every possible moment.
Whatever had happened to make her see something good in him, Severus had been sure it was a spell for the longest time. It wasn't possible for anybody to like James Potter and his crew. They were foolish, immature, unnecessary gits…
And here Severus Snape was, dealing with thirteen year old Harry Potter, the spitting image of his filthy father. Oh, how he hated that boy. Not only was he the spawn of the one man Severus Snape hated the most, but he looked and acted like him. Rash, jumping to conclusions, always putting himself in danger-making Severus's job far harder than it had to be-there was nobody he hated more.
Fate was unkind to have forced this upon him, this task of preserving the life of a boy it seemed everybody else wanted dead.
This year, Potter's third year, was the worst by far. Having already suffered through Potter's foolish antics-falling off broomsticks, sneaking out at night, getting into things that were in no way his business-it was only appropriate for the rest of his hideous schoolboy past to return and join the spawn of Potter.
Sirius Black, Potter's equally obnoxious school friend, had escaped from Azkaban and Remus Lupin, the werewolf who almost killed him, had come to steal the position Snape still desperately wanted.
If that wasn't bad enough, Severus had thought he could have both of them locked up for good, catching Sirius in the flesh by following Potter-breaking the rules once again-into the shrieking shack. To no avail, though, when he was knocked unconscious by Potter once more.
Black had been innocent, another blow to Severus's ego.
In all, keeping Potter safe was proving to be far worse than he could have ever imagined.
There was one thing rewarding about the whole ordeal, though, one thing that kept Severus going on and on, persisting in his quest so delicately handed out.
Harry Potter looked exactly like his useless father, except for his eyes which were the exact same shape as Lily's. Sometimes, though Severus hated to admit it even to himself, he would block out the rest of his body and focus intently on Lily's eyes of emerald, pretended even for just one moment Lily was alive.
Potter didn't know, but he could stare for ages into Lily's eyes, living a world entirely his own, entirely part of the past, entirely a heaven in itself.
Perhaps, if he could only keep that set of mind, he could handle the next four years of Potter's school career, dangerous as he knew they would be.
This was, after all, all for Lily.
--
Teaching had long ago lost itself for Severus. He may have finally received the job he'd most wanted, may have finally become headmaster of the school he'd most treasured, but it was all at a cost. The price had been paid, will be paid, will never stop paying for Severus Snape.
Teaching, for him, was last in his list of priorities, so many more important things to deal with standing first in line.
No, Severus Snape was no longer a teacher. He was something far, far, more important.
He'd thought third year had been the worst, what with his old enemies returning, but Potter's sixth year was ten times worse. Suddenly, his obligations were falling down on him, crushing him, breaking him, forcing him to make decisions he never wanted to make.
Not only had teaching been put on the back burner, so to speak, but his own well being had been thrown back there as well. Now, after all, there were so many more important lives at stake. Even for Lily Evans he'd never meant enough to her and they were best friends, his only friend.
And yet, he'd trade his life for hers any day.
Now, not only was Severus being forced to watch out for Potter's safety, but his own Slytherin Draco Malfoy. He'd promised, made an unbreakable vow, that Draco would stay safe and though there were no unrequited loves in relations to the Malfoy boy Snape would protect him from the horrors that stood before him.
How this was going to be possible, was only now becoming clear to him.
Severus really did despise the old fool Dumbledore at first, but in all this time he'd spent under the man's wing an admiration had grown, a bond, perhaps a little lower than a friendship. And here Severus was, having killed the man.
It annoyed him to have to commit the deed, the consequences overbearing and powerful, adding burdens and regrets to the large load on his back. Albus had not told him so much, only what he was to do, but never why…never explaining to him the rhyme or reason for the actions they took. The man kept secrets, hid them ever so carefully from the man he knew could release them into all the wrong hands.
It pained Severus to know he was gone though, pained him to know it was his fault, though Dumbledore had asked it of him.
He felt as if everybody was always asking him to do things, things he never wanted to do, and over and over again Severus wished he would have denied Albus in the first place, on Private Drive, and ran away into the mountains forever. He didn't want to do this anymore, didn't want to have so many lives in his hands.
He didn't want things to be his fault anymore.
It was all too late, now. There was no more he could do, nothing more he could say or act that could fix the mess he'd made. Sure, Voldemort had done all the acting, but Severus had been the match that set off the bomb. He was where he was, in this difficult position, because he'd forced his own fate in this direction. He'd caused this.
Here, now, it had come to this. Severus Snape knew, as he walked to his master, what awaited for him. Death was calling his name and it should have been a great relief to rid himself of the pains of life, the life he'd so wished could have turned out differently for him, but Severus could not bring himself to be grateful.
Severus Snape had failed Lily Evans, his one and only love. He was going towards his death while Potter was still out there, in grave peril. Except now Severus wouldn't be there to protect him. Hope, it seemed, was lost.
--
Severus Snape could no longer defend himself against Voldemort's demands. He'd pleaded, begged, hoped for the opportunity to escape this one more time, find one last attempt to ensure Potter's survival. Voldemort could now allow it, though, for he had bigger plans, bigger plans Snape should have known, should have understood, if only Dumbledore had told him.
There was no explanation Severus could think of to explain what Voldemort wanted to know. He knew little of the elder wand, never having been informed, and it angered him so. Why could he not be trusted with the information. If only Dumbledore had foresaw this. He should of! Lives could be saved, Severus would not allow himself to die in vain.
But the snake attacked, leaving only a few moments left in the pitiful life that had belonged to Severus Snape. He had to concentrate very hard to see the figure coming towards him, slowly but surely, approaching the dying man. A leap of weak hope came to life inside of Snape. There was nothing more he could do for this boy, no more actions he could take. It was out of his hands now.
But there was so much more to be said, so much that Potter did not understand, deserved to understand as Severus did not. Perhaps he could make more of the memories than Severus did, though he treasured them so, and even if it wouldn't matter by then it was alright. Potter had intruded his mind before, much to Severus's disliking, but now he could finally know. Now he could finally see.
Without much thought, Severus seized the robe if Potter, pulling him close.
"Take…Take…it…"
And he offered up his memories.
He really was never meant to be a teacher, after all.
"Look…at…me…"
And for the last time Severus's black eyes met green, and the image of Lily flooded into his brain, concurring the rest of his thoughts. She was hear with him now, staring in horror and care and love…
And then Severus Snape died.
--
Lily Potter had been "brought back from the dead" so to speak only once before, and now she was back again, making this a whole two times more than anybody else except for possibly, her husband.
The moment she came back she knew everything, magical forces informing her of all that had happened, though they told her told of what would come to be in the future. So, she walked with her son for the first and last time towards his death, her heart breaking and bursting at the same time.
On her mind, though, somewhere in the back where her most deepest secrets and desires lay there was something else brewing, thoughts she couldn't help but release to the front of her brain.
When Lily Potter saw her son she saw James, for the two could have been twins had one not been the father and the other the son. In fact, the only thing to show that Harry was also Lily's son was his eyes, the exact same shade of green as her own. Otherwise, it was all James.
It wasn't that Lily minded, though. Even if she'd hated James at first she loved him down, more than anybody else in the world aside from her son. They were meant to be together, so much that not even death could part them. One could not live very long without the other.
Tonight, though, in Harry's final moments Lily saw Severus Snape, her old best friend.
She'd not thought about him in a while, having drifted away when Severus concerned himself more with dark magic and Slytherins than her. In death she'd learned of his deceit, his telling of the prophecy that essentially killed her, ripping their family apart and ruining Harry's life, to an extent.
She should have been angry had Severus not taken the actions he did next.
He'd pleaded for her life and when that did not work he took it upon himself to fix the mistakes he'd made. Lily could never stop loving him for that, knowing that the boy before her, her own son, lived so long because of Severus Snape. If Lily were alive she would have owed her life to Severus, along with her sons.
If only Lily were alive.
She knew it was hard for him, knew of the feelings he felt for her, knew of how he hated James and the boy that looked exactly like him. Lily knew all of this now and her love for Severus only grew. He'd kept her son alive best he could, tried and tried and tried and even when he didn't want to.
Because of this Lily could never blame him for anything. She could no longer feel anything negative towards the man, her old friend.
He was her savior. He'd given her so much that it nearly erased all that he'd taken away. It was enough to make her regret denying him friendship, letting James and his friends do what they did. If she could have gone back and rewritten the past she would have done it all so differently, though this is not to say she wouldn't have married James, for his was and remained the love of her life, but she simply would have included Severus more, loved him more, appreciated him more.
Tonight when Lily Potter saw her son she did not see James Potter, but Severus Snape.
Severus had always wanted to be a teacher, even since the first day she'd known him.
But tonight he went beyond that, to something greater, something bigger, something entirely more important.
Tonight, Severus Snape was the protector.
And perhaps he had been such all along.
You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me