Numb
Numb, she felt numb. Frankly she couldn't remember a time when she'd lifted a glass to her lips without the intention of not putting it down until she felt nothing at all. But 'nothing' never came; only an overpowering numbness that never quite made the pain go away.
She sensed he was in the room with her rather than actually seeing him. Engulfed in the darkness she could feel his presence. A not so constant, anymore, force watching over her. If it wasn't for the dim light illuminating her feet, poking out from behind her desk, he probably wouldn't have even noticed her. He would have placed the case files, the three day late case files, on her conference table and left.
"I thought you were done sitting alone in the dark?"
She didn't answer. Not for fear of slurring her words in front of him but because there was nothing left to say. The glass in her hand shook as she lifted it to her lips once more, the amber liquid barely noticeable as it trickled down her throat.
"Ah hell, Jen." He muttered as he rounded her desk. The empty bottle on its side, her shoes abandoned, make up sliding down her face as if she had tried to scrub it away using only her hands and her tears. The pill bottle was unexpected but he said nothing, noting the seal wasn't even broken. He crouched down to his knees reaching out and removing the glass from her shaking hand. Their fingers brushed against each other the spark this would have once caused now barely noticeable.
The sound of the crystal tumbler being placed on her desk snapped her back to reality her eyes landing on Gibbs. "You need to go home, Jen. Come on" he held out his hand, his eyes betraying him for a second displaying to her the sadness he felt for the woman crumpled at his knees.
"Don't look at me like that" she spat "like you think you know all my secrets. Like YOU have ANY right to vilify people for keeping things to themselves! You're a bigger mess than the rest of us, Jethro!' Her usual clipped tones were stunted by alcohol. He knew this kind of mood, she was going to say things she'd live to regret.
"Shut up, Jen"
"Why!? I am your BOSS I can say whatever I damn well want!"
"Look, you're drunk let's just get you home, okay?"
"Get me home!" She emphasised the statement waving her hand, "why would you want to get me home, I'm damaged goods, the GUILTY director that no one wants to dirty their hands with! You know SecNav didn't want me back."
The words hung in there air.
"If I remember correctly 'Jenny, you can't bounce back from a murder investigation. It's just not done!' He took it all back ~ of course ~ after Jeanne's little statement but, god, he didn't want to... Something's you just can't survive."
Her eyes fell from his and she reached for her glass forgetting it was no longer by her side.
He was worried for her and if he didn't know better he'd think she had given up. Jenny Shepard didn't give up, she always had a way out, a plan to make everything better. 'Something's you just can't survive' his eyes fell back to the pills. "Jen..."
"I'm going home."
She forced herself up on unsteady feet and fell against him but promptly pushed him away. She didn't need his help, his goddamn pity! All she wanted was him to scream and shout, hell even push her, shove her, make her feel something other than the numb abyss she was falling in. She knew he wouldn't. Five simple words that he'd always be too chivalrous to say, "did you kill him, Jenny?"
She tried to gather together her briefcase but slumped back against the door. Her head was suddenly throbbing and without warning his hands connected to her shoulders and before she could react he engulfed her in his arms. With his head atop hers she let herself fall into him completely, fresh tears crashing down her cheeks on to his shirt. She was vaguely aware of her whole body shaking with her sobs but as time passed in an unaccountable blur she found it very hard to care.
He knew the building was near deserted. After the week the agency had had everyone'd left at the earliest opportunity they got. They walked mere steps out of her office before he effortlessly picked her up into his arms and walked across the catwalk and into the back elevator. If she remembered this tomorrow she'd know doubt want to kill him. "Carrying me through my own agency, what the fuck were you thinking?! Anyone could have seen!" She wouldn't remember though.
The dive to her home was uneventful she fell asleep as soon as the vehicle started to move. He couldn't help but keep looking over to her on conscious form; he wished he knew what was going on in her head. His gut was telling him everything was wrong. And the overpowering urge to hold her in his arms and not let go until she told him everything was not going away. He'd never do it but dear god he wished he could.
When the car drew to a stop outside her brownstone he toyed with the idea of not waking her, letting her sleep until she was okay again. Her back would never forgive him though.
"Jenny, your home" his hand brushed her shoulder and he could of sworn she leant into it. Her eyes opened lazily and she smiled, "come on" he stepped out of the car and went around opening her door, helping her out.
She was steadier on her feet now although she did allow him to open her front door, dreading a battle with her keys. Once inside she turned back noting he hadn't entered her house. "I.." He held a hand up stopping her "g'night, Jen" she grabbed his hand and before he could stop her she pressed her lips to his cheek. "Thank you, Jethro. Thank you." For a moment he thought she was going to start crying again but she simply removed herself from him and shut the door.
Walking away from her door Gibbs got the horrible feeling it would be too late before he ever found out what was eating away at Jenny Shepard. He felt numb.