Out of Reach
Twelve days after Alanna's marriage to George and six until Jon's to Thayet, Jon finally realizes that the one thing he always wanted is suddenly out of reach.
A/N, it may be a little OOC, I don't know, but please tell me if you think so. It probably is, so I'm warning you now, just in case.
Oneshot, rated T, because I just want it to be.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, however much I wish I did.
She gives me a nod and a smirk as we walk past each other in the hall. We don't see much of each other these days as I am busily planning for my own wedding. Hers was naught two weeks ago, happily married to one of my best friends from the Lower City and my new spymaster.
I proposed to my fiancée, Thayet, not long after she came to Corus with her, and it was probably the best decision I've made as king, both for me and for my country.
But a tiny portion of my brain screams that it is not the best decision for me, yet it may be for my country. I had to sacrifice a bit of my welfare for that of my country, or a bit of my country for my own. As king, the country has to come first.
She and my favorite red head both see something wrong with me and ask me about it constantly, yet do I even know what it is? The answer is likely a 'no,' but I feel it too.
I sit on a secluded bench in the courtyard, nose in a book, though I've been reading the same line for twenty minutes. She comes to me.
"Jon, now you cannot tell me that you don't know what's wrong with you," she says. "I've only been standing here for ten seconds and your eyes haven't moved across the page a fraction." She can always tell when there's something wrong. She can read me better than I'm reading this book. I close it and look into her amethyst eyes with a sigh.
"I honestly don't know what it is, Baroness," I grin at the name, yet my eyes still hold an inexplicable sadness that deepens at it. She sees it, even clearer than I do. She grabs my hand and takes me to my room.
"You need to rest," she says with a grin. "You're marrying a beautiful woman who will be a good wife, and a good queen. This planning is taking more out of you than I think you realize." She pushes me into my own bed and tucks me in like a mother does her own child. "Trust me, I know. I didn't get a decent nights sleep until a week after it was over."
"Why a week?" I ask in spite of myself. She raises her eyebrows at me. The twinkle in her eyes clearly says, 'What do most newlyweds do as soon as they marry?' I blush and look down. She laughs at my sudden naiveté and bids me good night.
I felt better until she left. Why am I so depressed? I ask myself for the millionth time in just that day. It's not like I don't love Thayet, I do, but I feel that there's something… missing from us. Something, a tiny bit of my brain sneers against my will, that was not missing with Alanna.
She's married to George, I retort to myself, she's gone from me now. Did you see the look in her eyes when she took me here? There's no love there anymore. Just sisterly love or something like that. She loves George.
It's then that I realize I've been talking out loud like a madman. The servant who came in to tidy the room saw me and began to back out when she heard me answer my own question. The girl blinks and leaves the room without a word.
It's then that I realize what is wrong with me. It's because she doesn't love me anymore. She was the first woman I actually loved, Delia and the other women before her don't count. None of them meant as much to me as her. Old habits die hard. As the best knight in Tortall, I'm sure she will, but I'd rather not think about that.
I get out of bed and go to the door of my room. I find the servant still standing there, slightly embarrassed at what she heard. I realize that she probably heard the last sentence and realized who I must have meant. I give her a gold noble to continue her work and not repeat what I said. "I'm not mad," I say to her with a grin, "just confused. Talking to yourself helps." With that, I leave her, perplexed and holding the shiny coin in her hand.
I find Alanna in her room here at the palace; George is back at the Swoop setting up his network. She's reading the book that I was trying to read earlier. With embarrassment, I realize what the book was: The Confusions and Subtleties Bred by Love. She's reading it with an amused grin and an eyebrow disappearing under her hair. She sees me in her doorway and puts down the book. "What an interesting read," she comments, barely hiding a snicker. "Thayet beginning to confuse you again?"
"No," I reply, "but I've realized what's wrong with me."
"Ah, about time," she smirks. "And?"
"I love you," I whisper, looking down, slightly ashamed. It was barely audible to me even, but she apparently heard it as clearly as though I had shouted it. Her eyebrows are gone again and her eyes wide. She shakes her head to clear it.
"And? What about it?" slightly hurt, I looked up and sought her eyes. "We agreed on this, Jonathan. Last time you asked me to marry you, you had a drawing of Thayet hidden under some papers, now you're saying you love me?" I've somehow migrated to a chair with her help. I sink into it, face in my hands.
"It took you being completely gone from me and back to George for me to realize that it's not Thayet I love. It's—"
"Stop," she commands before she hears anymore, reminding us both of when she was seventeen.
I look up from my hands, and she's right there in my face. I can see it clearly now: the love that will only be held for me, but it's closely flanked (to my dismay) by her love for George. The two emotions are fighting within her, telling her not to do something she'll regret.
She takes one of my hands and holds it to her cheek. I feel a charge pass through me at the contact, but don't react. She closes her eyes and breathes a deep breath, preparing to speak. "I'm a married woman now Jon, and you'll be a married man in just under a week. I can't love you that way any more, and neither can you love me. I won't break Thayet's or George's heart, and I hope you won't think of it either."
Before I can stop myself, I ask, "Can I kiss you, one last time? I will never speak of it again." She looks up, surprised. She quickly removes her hand from mine and jumps up to return to her seat.
"I—I don't know," she stammers. "I don't know if I want those feelings being brought up again. It would ruin my own marriage, and likely yours if it hasn't already."
I sigh in resignation. "Then I will leave it alone. I wont ruin my marriage, yours, or our friendship just because I realize that you are… happy… with another." She grins. "Nor will I let George know I tried to steal his bride." I grin sneakily and she punches me playfully on the arm.
"Good, now with that done with, will you please go to bed? No one likes a grumpy Jonathan in the morning." She pushes me out and shuts the door with a smirk. I hear the lock click behind me; I shake my head and return to my room.
Maybe it was simply pre-marriage nerves intruding on my brain, but as of now, I don't regret knowing I will have a wife that is not her within the week.
I find Thayet the next morning leaning against a pillar looking out into the gardens, dressed simply in a shirt and breeches. I wrap my arms around her gorgeous body and kiss her lightly on the neck. Looking over her shoulder, I see Alanna walking briskly to some chore or another. She spots us and grins a crooked grin. She gives us a small wave and both of us wave back. Even with the distance between us, in more ways than one, I can see love for me shielded under her love for George, and I know she sees my sudden sadness. I had fooled myself to think my love for her was gone after the previous night's discussion, but the depression comes back to haunt me as I quickly learn for sure that she is out of reach.