Okay, so I totally should work on Heaven's Gates. I know this. And yet…

So this is my way of trying to break writer's block with my forehead. Like all the karate masters do. (victory peace sign)

And for all you Gaston Leroux fans, yes, you know which Phantom she's talking about.

Otanjobi

By Mercurial Phoenix

…///…///…///…///…///

"You know what I think this is? This is a conspiracy. It's Noi-chan's attempt to get me to act more feminine, and those creatures of the light are going along with it because they hope she's right and I'll go all gooey and squeal "Awww!" at you and want to pet you and cuddle you…

Well, guess what, Nuisance-san? I'm not going to be cute and feminine, and I'm sure as hell not going to hug you. No way am I going to go gooey, especially not because of a loud, demanding, attention-seeking, annoying little puff ball like you.

…I heard somewhere that cats are independent creatures. For your sake, I hope it's true. I'm not catering to you like I'm forced to do for those boys. I'll feed you and make sure you're not sick, because I have to or I'll get in trouble. But otherwise, you're on your own. There are four other creatures of the light in this house for you to torment with your cuteness and big eyes and ridiculous fuzziness. I'm busy.

…That's not a toy, that's my foot. Stupid cat. I suppose they want me to name you. How about Baka Neko-san? It fits you very well. Or like I said before, Nuisance. Because you are. I could call you Pest, or Irritant, or Mangy Flea-Bitten Eyesore.

…My grandparents had a cat when I was little. Kind of a fat cat—didn't do much but lie in the sun. That'll be you in a year or so. Assuming you stick around here that long. I think its name was some sort of herb or spice. Ginger, or Cinnamon, or Pepper, or something. Oh, I remember—it was Paprika, because its fur was a weird orange-red-brown. Kind of like dried blood.

…I guess it would traumatize a cat to be called Dried Blood-san.

Your fur is a stranger color than Paprika-chan's was—yours is sort of blue-gray-black. I bet some little ten-year-old kid would name you Smoky, or Midnight, or Shadow. Or something along those lines, anyway. Generic and unoriginal. If it were me, I'd name you Pluto, for the Roman god of the underworld. Oh, but you're a girl cat. Does it matter if you have a girl name? Ha—it would be weird if I named you a boy name. Those creatures of the light, including Noi-chan, would think I was crazy. Crazier. Anyway…argh, get off my ankle, you…ankle-stalker. How's that for a name—Stalker-san? No? Hey—don't turn your tail up at me, you prima donna.

…Phantom. I'll call you Phantom. Like the one in the book. The one who's insane and stalks people and pops out of nowhere and never goes away no matter what anyone does to get rid of him. Sound familiar? Excuse me, I am not your personal mattress. Get off. Get off, you stupid cat.

…

What a stupid noise…purring. You sound like a faulty car engine. How are you being so loud when you're that tiny? It's not cute at all. Yes, I mean you. What, did I disturb your nap, Your Highness? Don't you look at me with those big gold eyes—it's silly for a cat to give someone puppy-dog eyes. It's against the rules. You're cheating. Stop it.

…Stupid cat.

…Maybe…maybe you're a little cute. But only a little. Hmph. So maybe I'll keep you. But you have to be willing to compromise. When I'm cleaning, you stay away from me. If I'm cooking, don't come near me. If I'm asleep or in the bathtub, leave me alone. Don't touch Akira-kun, Hiroshi-kun, or Josephine. When I tell you to attack someone, you go for the eyes. And…

…Huh…?

What the—"

"I told you guys you were being too loud!"

"Well, if you weren't kicking me in the damn face, I wouldn't have to tell you to get the hell off me!"

"Oh, Sunako-chan, this is…we were just—totally not eavesdropping on you through your bedroom door…Eh-heh-heh…"

"Ha! Nakahara Sunako, brought to her knees by a pathetic little ball of fur. This is great—you're just a big softie!"

"…Phantom, attack."

"What the—aaaaargggh! Nakahara, get your damn cat off my face!"

"Kyaaaaa—Kyouhei! Sunako-chan, your cat's killing Kyouheiiiiii!"

"She won't. She'll only maim him. I haven't taught her to go for the jugular yet."

…

"Na-ka-ha-raaaaa—!"

"Wow, she's actually hanging on pretty good. Hopefully his nose won't scar."

"I'd never actually thought much of the phrase 'fighting tooth and nail' before now."

"I wonder how Sunako-chan trained the cat to attack like that so quickly."

"She's Sunako-chan."

"Good point."

"Gaaah—that's my ear, you little shit—owwww! Dammit, Nakahara, I'm gonna freakin' kill your bastard-spawn-of-Satan cat!"

"Thanks for the present, by the way. I think she's just what I needed."

"Y-yeah. Happy Birthday, Sunako-chan."

///…///…///

OMAKE

///…///…///

"Um…Sunako-chan…should you pleased at the fact that your kitten ripped half of Kyouhei-kun's face off?"

"Of course, Noi-chan. She's a very obedient little cat—aren't you, Phan-chan?"

"…Somehow…that smile…that smile on your face…sends chills down my spine, Sunako-chan…"

"You shouldn't reward your pet for attacking someone so ruthlessly."

"She's not a pet—she's an assassin-in-training."

"…A-a—assassin?"

"Sure. She can be on assignment while I'm doing chores. It'll be almost like I'm in two places at once. I can finally kill Takano Kyouhei and still get the laundry done."

…

"Speaking of Kyouhei-kun, I think I hear him coming back downstairs. I wonder if he managed to disinfect all those scratches…"
"Where are you, you bastard she-demon! Oh, there you are. Where's your damn cat?"

"She's sleeping. Savaging prey takes a lot out of her, and she's still so young. And yet…so much potential…"

"Potential, my ass. I'm cutting off that potential right here and now—I'm drowning the damn thing!"

"K-Kyouhei!"

"Kyouhei-kun! That cat is a present from us to Sunako-chan! You can't just kill it!"

"Present? Like hell! I wanted to get a dog—a big, huge dog!"

"And what do you think that big, huge dog would have done if Sunako-chan had told it to attack you, idiot?"

"I never said I wanted the dog for her—AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"

"S-Sunako-chan! Again?"

"I didn't tell her to do it this time. He woke her up with his yelling, so she's cranky. Really, he should know better."

"Sh-sh-she just came out of nowhere—like a ghost—"

"Why do you think I named her Phantom? It's part of her namesake."

"She's—she's trying to bite his neck…"

"Hmmm…maybe I should have named her Alucard…"

"Goddamn bastard cat from hell! I'll kill you!"

O-wa-ri-desuu!