Interview with Cedric Diggory, Robert Pattinson and Edward Cullen
On a cloudy day in front of the Cullen's house on the meadow.
I(nterviewer): So, Rob. You've been known as Cedric Diggory in „Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"
Cedric: HARRY POTTER!! I beat him in Quidditch.
I: -but „Twilight" caused a real hype. (side look to Edward)
Edward: *scowling*
I: Äh... yeah, so... (confused) What do you think of this hype around you?
Rob (self-conscious): Hm... It's like, as Edward-
Edward: *growls*
Rob: -I wear lots of make-up.
Cedric: As me too. Did I tell you that I won the Trimagical Tournament? Me, not Potter. Potter stinks.
Rob: Und many Fans are totally disappointed when they see me live.
Edward: So cry.
Cedric: He sure does. He always does.
Rob (sniffs): You're mean.
Edward (reading his thoughts): You'd be way too yellow to kill yourself, so stop that. (Scowls deeper)
Cedric (sighs): Eddie, you're so HOT!
Edward: I know.
I: Äh...
Alice comes out of the house.
Alice: Hey, guys! Sun's about to shine!
Cedric and Rob put on sunglasses. Edward scowls.
I: What-?
The sun comes through the clouds. Edward sparkles a little.
I: That's it?
Alice: Wait. (Also puts sunglasses on)
Edward (to Alice): You're STILL here??? (Scowls)
The glittering intensifies, till Edward is glowing like a super nova. Bella peers around the corner.
Bella: Eddie, you're so PRETTY!
Edward: I know.
I (hand in front of his eyes): Okay, so, Rob. Back to the topic at hands.
The sun disappears and everybody takes off their sunglasses. This moment Aro, Marcus and Caius step out of the forest, followed by Felix and Demetri, all in dark grey cloaks.
Aro: Dearest Edward, these mortals have seen you. We should really kill you. (Sighs) But you're just so CUTE!
Edward: I know. (Winks at Marcus)
Marcus: *looks bored*
Harry Potter appears out of thin air.
Harry: EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO- (waves his wand at the Volturi)
Aro (giggles): He's doing that all the time.
Caius (growls): I want to kill him.
Aro: But no.
Caius (stamps his foot): Why not??
Cedric: Yeah, why not?
I (pretending that nothing has happened): So, Rob. What do you think about the subliminal antagonism between Edward and Jacob?
Edward: Jacob stinks. And he does my seven-year old daughter.
Taylor Lautner passes.
Taylor: Jake's cool. I'm so cool.
Alice: You're not. You look like a twelve-year old.
Taylor: So what look who's talking? In real you have BLACK hair.
Alice (shrugs): Slip up.
Cedric (sourly): Like this one. (Points at Harry, who's still dancing around in front of the Volturi)
Harry: EXPECTO PATRONUM! (Pokes Marcus with the wand in the eye)
Marcus: I am so fed up now. (Bites Harry and drinks his blood)
Harry (twisting and screaming): I'm burning! I BURN!!!
Cedric: Cool.
Caius: Really cool. By the way, where's the dirty werewolf they were talking about? I want to kill him (looks madly around)
Edward: For the hundredth time. SHAPE SHIFTER. And he's out with Remus Lupin.
Caius (suspicious): Who's that?
Edward (crooks a smile): A real werewolf.
Cedric: I killed a werewolf once. This one hasn't. (pointing at Harry, who's still twisting on the ground)
Caius (jumps at Demetri and clinging to his neck): Help, a werewolf! Hide me! I am SCARED!!! (whimpers)
Edward: *rolls his eyes*
Rob (unsecure to the interviewer): I like Jacob.
Edward: Traitor. (Scowls)
Bella (pats Rob on the back): I like Jake too.
Edward: *whines*
I (with huge eyes): So, Rob. Which one of your characters did you like more?
Edward and Cedric turn to glare at Rob.
Alice (singing): Eddie or Ceddie, Eddie or Ceddie...
Rob (more insecure): Äh... equal? You see, Cedric is really cool-
Cedric: Certainly.
Rob: -always so chivalric and fair-
Edward: *snorts*
Rob (blushes): -and Edward is just so HOT. All the fans go for him.
Cedric: God knows, why. I definitely don't.
Edward: I do.
Bella (scowling): Me too.
A bat comes floating and with a loud PUFF Severus Snape appears.
Snape: There are way stranger things, Diggory.
I (mutters under his breath): You don't say.
Snape: Shut up, Muggle. (To Cedric) There are thousands of female fans out there that are so smitten with me. And that, though I am a grey-skinned, hooked-nose, crumply old jerk who tries to kill the hero several times. THAT is strange.
Harry (stops twisting): It IS, Snape. And you forgot „grease-hairy"(twists again) Ouch, it burns so much!
Snape (pulling out his wand): Too far, Potter! That was way too far! AVADA-
Aro (grabbing Snape's arm): Hey, hey. No death curses, please. There are Volturi present. WE alone rule life and death.
I (swallows and tries to hide his fear): So, Rob. What if you had to pick one of your characters?
Alice (singing): Eddie or Ceddie, Eddie or Ceddie!
Rob (buries his face in his hands): I can't do this...
Edward and Cedric both snort offended.
I (barely hearable): So, Rob. What was it like to kiss Kristen Stewart?
Rob (looks up): Great! We have a connection... (Looks dreamy)
Edward (sarcastic): Connection. HA! She wanted to puke.
Rob: *starts crying*
Edward: Oh, please.
Cedric (stands up with an annoyed face): Edward, how about a batch Quidditch?
Edward (uncaring): Why not. (Gets up)
Harry (jumps off the ground) I'm in!
I (nearly fainting): But... but... doesn't the change to a vampire last three days???
Harry: Only Muggles.
Bella: I needed only two.
Edward (with glowing eyes): That's because you're so special, my queen of the immortal! Oh, screw Quidditch; I want to make love to you!
Edward and Bella fall to the ground, wildly making out.
I (tries to ignore them): So, wizards-
Harry: -only need three minutes. (To Cedric) What about Quidditch now?
Cedric: As for me. I'm gonna beat you anyway.
Harry (shows his teeth): I am a vampire now. One wrong word and I'll drink your blood.
Cedric: Don't think so. I had garlic bread for breakfast.
Cedric and Harry grab two broomsticks which are leaning against the wall and go to the forest, arguing.
Aro: Hey, wait! What's Kwiditsch? Is it fun? I want to join! Come, my brothers! Caius! Marcus! Felix! Demetri!
Caius: There are werewolves around here. I am scared. I'm going to hide under Emmett's bed (grabs his cloak and sprints into the house)
Marcus: I don't like to. And I don't like you, too, Aro. You killed my wife. Yeah, there you are, I know that. I am now going to massacre a village.
Snape: Hey, that sounds like fun. I'm coming too! (Both go)
Aro (sighs): Felix? Demetri?
Felix (takes Demetri's hand): Sorry, Boss. Can't.
Demetri: We've got a date-
Felix: -with Gilderoy Lockhart. (Both go, holding hands.)
Alice (chokes): I've seen that.
Jasper comes prancing through the meadow.
Jasper: Hello, Alice. I am so pretty.
I (confused): You mean?
Jasper (dispraising): I am a pretty butterfly.
Alice (explaining): He's easy to influence. And he was out with our self-smitten sister Rosalie.
I (more confused): Äh... I see.
Suddenly Emmett crashes through the wall and builds up in front of the interviewer.
Emmett: Hello. I am Emmett. I am big and strong and terrifying and UNBELIEVABLE hot. They all think I am stupid like an egg, but my IQ is 186. And Albert had relativity crap from me. Ask him! Go ahead, ask him!
I: Äh... aha.
Jasper: I am a pretty unicorn with silver eyes.
Emmett: Gold eyes, no?
Jasper: Gold eyes.
Alice: Oh, I'm going to kill Rosalie! (Looks at the future)
Rose (looking out the window): May I ask why?
Alice *pointing at Jasper who's making pirouettes*
Rose (sniggers): That was easy.
Carlisle climbs out of the hole in the wall and looks sadly at everybody.
Carlisle: Rosalie, that's not nice. You mustn't confuse your brother. And Emmett, you've destroyed the house again. You're both grounded! (Tries to look manly and strict)
Esmes voice coming from inside: Carliiiisle! Kiiiiids! Get ready, we're off to lunch!!!
Carlisle: Yes, honey.
Rosalie: Where are we going?
Alice: Oh good, I've never been there.
Edward (looking up from his snogging with Bella): Seattle Zoo.
Emmett: Oh great, buffet!!
All vampires disappear. A long silence.
I (wipes his forehead): So, Rob-
Ron Weasley comes around the corner and goes toward the interviewer.
Ron (polite): Excuse me, did you see Hermione? Bushy brown hair? No? (Looks Rob) Hey, you look like this Diggory-moron. I thought Harry- äh, Voldemort finished you??
I: ???
Rob (all of a sudden screaming): HERMIONE'S DOING MALFOY RIGHT NOW, YOU MORONIC WEASEL!! THAT'S MY INTERVIEW! MINE! MINE! MIIINE!!!!
Ron: *lifts his wand*
Rob: Oh. (Runs for cover)
Ron: I am so gonna get you, bastard!!! (Follows him)
The interviewer sits all alone and stares at nothing. Suddenly Voldemort comes out of the house and makes appear the dark sign. He discovers the interviewer.
Voldemort: I've killed the guinea pig. (Eyes the seats and tools) Oh, is that an interview? I LOOOVE interviews. (Takes place) Ask whatever you like. But no photos. I always have red eyes on photos. So, what do you want to know?
I: *no reaction*
Voldemort (crossing his legs): Sure, I'd love to tell you the story of my raise. But first, allow me to introduce myself properly. My name is Lord Voldemort, but my friends call me Morty. I'm a really, really bad, really, really black wizard. Oh, and I am the lord of live and death.
An offended shrieking sounds out of the forest and Aro comes running.
Aro (pants): HEY! I am the lord of live and death! (Deeply insulted) MEEE!!
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra.
Aro: *smiles politely*
Voldemort (shaking his wand): Damn cheap things! Avada Kedavra. Avada Kedavra! AVADA KEDAVRA, for the hell!!!
Aro (giggles): Hey, that's tickling!
The interviewer gets up and slowly goes to his van. He climbs in and lays his head onto the wheel. Outside you can hear two voices.
„AVADA KEDAVRA!"
„It tickleeees!"
„AVADA KEDAVRA!"
„Hihihi. Do it again!"
„AVADA KEDAVRA!"
„Hihihi... hihihi..."
„AVADA KEDAVRA!"
„Okay, it's starting to be boring."
„AVADA KEDAVRA!"
„Yeah, yeah."
„AUA, YOU BIT ME!"
„You don't say. Hey, you taste funky!"
„HEY! WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT-"
Silence.
„Uäh. He was really OLD."
Aro's voice fades in the distance.
„Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra... hihihi... who's the live and death lord now... Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra... hihihi... hihihi..."