This story takes place as Katara and Zuko are returning to the camp after searching for Yon Rha, the man who killed Katara's mother. I believe the episode is called, The Southern Raiders.
A/N: I don't own ATLA. If I did the ending would have been good.
The Return Journey
Zuko glanced once again at the girl sitting against the side of Appa's saddle. She sat hugging her legs to her chest, chin resting on her knees as she stared off into space. Somehow she seemed smaller than she had before, softer or fragile. Had she been anyone else, he would have said she looked vulnerable. But he knew from first hand experience that Katara was far from vulnerable.
Images of her sitting in a crystal cavern far under Ba Sing Se sprang up in his mind. But no, he had been the vulnerable one then. Had proven it when he chose to believe his sister and fight against the Avatar. Katara had simply been Katara.
It was because of their short time together, trapped in that cavern, that Zuko was able to begin to understand her the way he did. He had spent many long, sleepless nights in the fire palace thinking about that day and the decision he made. He remembered the look of disappointment weighing on his uncle's features; the triumph spread across Azula's face and, always surprisingly, the look of confusion and perhaps hope from Katara as she walked away with Aang through the tunnel.
It had been stupid, really. With the amount of self-doubt, confusion and guilt he felt after betraying his uncle, the one man who stood by his side offering support through everything, why should it matter what the waterbender thought of him? It shouldn't, he had told himself. He was the prince of the Fire Nation and had devoted his life to capturing the Avatar. Katara knew that, she had spent months running away from him, after all.
And yet… yet she had offered to heal his scar. With sacred water, no less. After everything he did to her group and her precious Avatar, she sincerely offered to help him. Without asking for anything in return she had given him her trust for that short time before he made his choice, the wrong choice, and let everyone down. Maybe for that reason her gesture had stayed with him and had made an irritating home in the back of his mind for him to visit on long nights and contemplate. But now?
"Oh, she can hold a grudge," Sokka had said once while watching Katara stalk away. He probably saw the defeat painted on Zuko. "And she'll be sure to let you know it. But it's against her nature to hate anyone. I'm actually surprised she's let it go on as far as she has."
Toph had nodded, "Yeah, I would have expected Sugar Queen to sit you down a long time ago to set things straight." She made a confused face. "Somehow being angry makes her more angry. Especially with you."
Sokka had sighed and clapped him on the shoulder. "I think it's best if you just wait this one out. She'll come around sooner or later."
That had been a few days ago and Zuko was beginning to question if he'd just have to live with the disappointment and regret of—
"What is it?"
Zuko blinked and felt heat rise to his face when he realized that he had been staring at Katara while lost in thought. Instead of looking mad, she almost seemed embarrassed or guilty. Tired.
"No, I'm sorry… I was just thinking… about stuff."
She looked to the side and began fiddling with the end of a lock of hair. After a moment she spoke. "Were you thinking about what I did back there?"
"No, something far more self-centered," he replied as he put his head in his hands. Only the sound of wind whipping past them could be heard for another minute until Katara spoke again, this time with the effort of sounding surer of herself.
"Zuko," he lifted his head to look at her on hearing his name, "can I ask you a question?" He raised his eyebrow, giving her a sarcastic stare before he realized that she was trying to be civil with him. "I mean another question," she said quickly, as if she had been the one to make a mistake. He smiled softly at her and hoped he looked comforting.
"You can ask me as many as you want, Katara." She paused and stared, perhaps surprised at his straight answer, then shook herself and frowned slightly.
"Why did you want to help me find Yon Rha?"
Zuko sighed. "Because I wanted to fix things between us. And… and because I know what it's like to have someone I love taken from me and to live without closure. You deserved to have closure and I knew I was able to help. At least I hope it helped."
She nodded and the look she gave him dripped with fatigue and doubt. "Do you think I did the right thing?"
"You mean by not killing him?" She frowned and her eyes seemed to lose focus, as if replaying the events again in her mind's eye. "What I think doesn't really matter," he said and she looked back up at him, still frowning. "But I'd like to believe that if I were put in the same position, I would be able to do the same as you." She tried and failed to smile and then shook her head slowly, as if confused.
"As much as I hate him, I just couldn't bring myself to kill him or even hurt him. Still, Aang wants me to forgive him, but that doesn't seem possible either."
Zuko sighed.
"Aang can preach about the virtues of forgiveness until his bald head grows wrinkles. It will do no good, however, because you can't force someone to forgive any more than you can force yourself. True forgiveness comes from within and pretending you have it when you don't is just a form of lying to yourself." He had learned this the hard way.
Katara nodded, more in agreement than in understanding, he thought.
"Back there… I was so enraged, Zuko. I honestly don't know how I managed to stop myself from doing something awful." She hugged her knees closer to her chest, frowning inwardly.
Zuko smiled.
"It's because you are different," he said. Katara's frown deepened with confusion.
"Different from who?"
"From that man, Yon Rha. From my crazy sister and my father and anyone else who wants this war to continue. You care about other people, Katara, and not because it benefits you. Instead, you give value to people's lives even when you don't want to. I think you're stronger for it."
Katara considered him for a long moment, slowly tilting her head as she stared at him. He tried not to give in to the urge to look away from her as if doing so would discredit his words. Finally she sighed and leaned her head back to rest against the saddle, closing her eyes.
"I don't feel strong, Zuko. Right now I feel confused and hurt and too tired to make anything out of it. I've hated that man for so long and now after confronting him… I don't know. It's like carrying a heavy burden for years and when suddenly the burden becomes lighter I don't know how to react. Does that make any sense?"
Zuko stared at her. This might possibly be the first time she had admitted feeling any weakness. To him at least. He hadn't been part of their group long enough to know if they often shared conversations like this. But whether or not they did, this was a new experience for him all together. Weakness was not talked about in the Fire Nation.
"Somehow it makes perfect sense," he said, looking at a group of clouds in the distance, illuminated from below as the horizon started to brighten with the onset of dawn. She looked at him again but he remained focused on the clouds as he continued. "I felt the same way after rebelling against my father and following you guys to the Air Temple. I was still angry and full of self-doubt. But I also felt lighter somehow; as if I could breath for the first time." He looked at her then, surprised at how good it felt to talk so openly. Her expression was one of trying to figure out a puzzle. No judgment, simply a tired sort of curiosity.
"Zuko… Why did you side with Azula in Ba Sing Se? Back then, you made it sound like you had changed, like you wanted to be on our side and fight against the Fire Nation. After everything they put you through, why did you go back to them?" There was none of the usual heat in her voice, now she sounded almost pleading as if the answer were of the utmost importance. Her ability to honestly convey her emotions astounded him. Somehow he knew she was not playing him. She was not trying to trap him or deceive him. She simply wanted to understand and perhaps lessen her burden further. Well, so did he.
"Azula, she always lies. She's cunning and pitiless and dangerous. But…" he frowned and sighed deeply. "But she's still my sister. And she offered me everything I've been fighting years for."
"But knowing what's she's like, how could you trust her enough to turn your back on the world?"
"Because I needed to." He saw her confusion and sighed again, running his fingers through his hair. "Katara, if you had to choose between your family and the world, what would you choose?"
"It's not the same thing, Zuko. My family isn't the one committing genocides." Her eyes widened slightly after she spoke, as if surprised at her own words. "I… I'm sorry-"
"It's fine," he said, choosing instead to stay on topic. "And you're right. It's not the same. You have an amazing family, Katara. Both your father and brother love you deeply and you have friends who feel the same." He hesitated. "I made the decision I did back in the cavern because I needed to believe that I could have the same as you. It was selfish and wrong. I know that. But the desire to have a family that loved and accepted me blinded me from the bigger picture. I wasn't thinking about the fate of the world, Katara, or even the fate of the Fire Nation. I was only thinking about myself."
There. He said it. And even if only one person was here to listen to his honest confession, he was glad it was Katara. She deserved to hear it the most, somehow even more than the Avatar himself. He waited patiently for a response, eventually staring off into the clouds when the silence stretched for a few minutes. The sun was making its way slowly above the horizon.
"Zuko." He looked at her again, unconsciously holding his breath. "I think… being the prince of the Fire Nation is… more complicated than I originally thought." He let out his breath and actually smiled ruefully. She looked to the side, a faint blush on her cheeks made more visible by the growing daylight. "I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time these past few days. It was a brave thing you did, coming to join us."
"Thank you, Katara," he said, trying to keep the surprise from sounding in his voice. "That means a lot coming from you." She looked at him and smiled, her energy seeming to return as if she were the one whose power came from the sun. Somehow by seeing her smile back at him he felt another weight being lifted from him. And something else.
Appa suddenly made a swooping dive and grunted excitedly. Both the passengers gripped the saddle while moving to look down over the side.
"There's the camp," Katara said. The camp itself wasn't actually visible from the air, just in case unwanted visitors should try to find them again. But they knew the landscape and the small dock by the river. "Hey, I'm going to take some time alone for a little while." She said moving past him and climbing onto Appa's head. She took the reigns and started guiding him to land by the water's edge. Zuko didn't much like the idea of appearing in camp without Katara, knowing everyone would worry. But he understood the need for space and quiet.
"No problem," he said, though he knew he wouldn't be able to keep Aang from seeking her out.
Hey, thanks for reading!
I am very open to constructive criticism and would like to know if anyone finds any typos or awkward sentences. Reading is so much more fun when you're not stumbling over spelling and sentence structure. I realize I'm not the best writer so advice is welcome. Reviews=Love!
** For anyone who is interested, there is a small update on my profile page about the status of the other Avatar fic I am attempting to write. Profiles are a lot easier to update than author notes.