Amanda's visit
"I think that we should call it a day, don't you think?" Caitlin asked Daedalus. "All this information is fascinating, but if we do not take a break, we may well starve here."
"It will be a while before we actually starve." Daedalus said, with a wistful smile. "But yes, we should take a break. Fascinating as this information is, I find out that if I keep reading for hours without a break, pages end up looking like a procession of ants walking on the paper, making no sense at all. We all need a break to digest the information, and make sense of what we read. Otherwise we keep on accumulating information, and the new stuff that we learn pushes out the older one."
"I know what you mean. It happened to me more than once. I did not realize how much information the Nosferatu have."
"Information is the Nosferatu's coin. We are valuable to the other clans because of our neutrality, but we are far more valuable for the knowledge we acquire and preseve. We are the scholars of the Kindred."
"Is it true that at another time Nosferatu traded their knowledge to humans for blood?"
"Many did. The persecutions put a stop to that. We do not dare to do it now, not with the bad reputation we have gotten over the centuries. I should not talk of it to you, since you are a Catholic, but the Christian Church is guilty of many crimes it never atoned for, and to deprive us of the right to earn a living lawfully is one of the worst. We would rather not be thieves but honest scholars."
"Maybe one day you will be able to."
"Maybe, but I suspect that when that day comes neither your or I may be around to see it."
"Daedalus, I know that the Nosferatu are the original stock, that all the other clans come from it. But how did it happen, originally?"
"We experimented on ourselves and our offspring. We wanted Kindred who may be able to blend with the humans more easily. That they be able to 'pass'. There were several experiments and they all had human appearance, but their emotional make-up was different, according to the original experiment. And they all have some mental block or imbalance. They paid for the perfection of their bodies by the lessening of their mental faculties, and sometimes emotional crippling."
"And that is why you do not take sides in the wars between the clans. For you all clans are equally your children."
"That is right."
"How come Julian never said anything about it to me?"
"There are things that Julian does not like to think about. Or rather, things that do not help him reach the goal he has set to himself, so he puts them out of his mind. And Julian cannot overcome being a member of a clan. He wishes to be fair to all the clans, but still he believes his own clan, the Ventrue, to be superior to the others. All clan members feel that way about their own clan. He is not willing to believe that we love all our children equally. Many have erred, some grievously. But they are still our children, and we cannot make distinctions among them."
Caitlin pushed the books she was reading back into a wall recess, then paced the floor. "Do you think that I was wrong, walking out on Julian?"
"I think you were wise. I love Julian, but I know what he does, what he can do to those who love him."
"I only I could get him to open up, not to shut me out, to let me be part of his life. How can he confide so much on Duncan MacLeod and so little on me? There are times when I am jealous of Duncan."
"I know." Daedalus nodded. "If it is some reassurance, Julian is strictly heterosexual. And so is Duncan."
"I know that. And it would not bother me so much if it was just some sex they had. But it is the emotional bond between the two of them. He tells things to Duncan that he will not tell anyone else. Let him know things about himself that he keeps secret from everyobdy else, myself included."
"Except Sonny. He does tell Sonny of these things."
"I know he does."
"And it hurts Sonny to know of these things. And Sonny does not have a life of his own. He spends his time hovering around Julian, tending to Julian's needs. Both Sonny and Duncan see Julian's weakness. They see him admit that he is afraid, doubtful. They hear him say that he finds his position a burden too heavy for him to carry, and that he wishes that he could lay it down honorably. He does not have to be strong for them all the time, as he is for the Kindred."
"But why will he not admit it to me?"
"To protect you. Duncan, because he comes and goes, cannot be hurt by Julian. And Sonny has already been hurt. He wants to protect you, as he wanted to protect Alexandra." Daedalus sighed. "For all that he hates predators, Julian is an emotional predator himself. He knows it. He sees what he did to Sonny, how he bent him to serve his needs, to cater to his moods, to do all those onerous unpleasant tasks that Sonny does uncomplaining. He hates using Sonny as he does, but he does use him. Sonny protests that he does not mind, but Julian knows better. Sonny will never have a life of his own. Even if Julian disappeared from his life, Sonny will never be his own man now. Julian did not want the same thing to happen to you, so he shut you out."
"You seem very sure of it." "
I know Julian better than he knows himself. What kind of Nosferatu would I be if I did not know my Prince well? I slipped once, when I took Archon at his word about the Manzanita massacre, but I will not make any more allowances. I know Julian because I have to know him."
"And...?"
"Julian is a driven man. He wants to do something with his life, accomplish something of value, something that will repay for the lives the took at Archon's command. I know what his goals are, and I know that they are noble, worthwhile ones. I know that the Kindred desperately need what he tries to offer them. And I know the lengths that Julian will go to for his dreams to become reality. He will sacrifice himself willingly for them. And he will sacrifice anyone else he has to, no matter how much he loves them. Like all idealists he can be both extremely selfless and extremely selfish. All he cares is for his dreams to become reality, and whoever gets in the way will be crushed. He already crushed Sonny. If you do not keep your distance from him one day he will crush you the same way, because his self- control will slip."
"I know that he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that he cannot afford to have it treated."
"Yes, you know that, but do you know what it means? No, you see it from the outside. As far as you know it is a psychological disorder, one that people get treatment for. Let Julian go to a psychotherapist until he comes to his senses. And then let's get on with our lives. Isn't that the way you look at it?"
"Yes."
"For him it is his past, a past that he is trying to walk away from, and will not let him go. It is a crippling, a raging inside him, and it is the force that drives him. He has come to see that he cannot undo the past, he cannot give back the lives he took. It is atonement that he seeks, and forgiveness that is he trying to earn. He is in a race against time, to change the future, to keep the past from repeating itself. He cannot be the man you want him to be. He cannot change. Too many dead stand between you and him. He thought for a while that he could forget what he was in your arms, but he knows better now. He will do what he has to do, and pay any price he was to pay. He will become a hero to our people. A great hero that everyone will look up to. His greatest happiness will be to give his life for what he is fighting for. And you...you will have to be content to stand by his monument and speak of what a great man he was. And once he is dead and safely buried, you will be able to hold his memory in your heart, knowing that that is the closest that you will be to him."
Caitlin sighed. "I know that he wants to do. I support him in every way."
"I know you do. He knows it too. You have been the greatest help he had in the past years. You understand the value of information, and how it can be used as a weapon. He does not grasp it. He still wonders why God would create Kindred, and if we have any value to humans at all. Nosferatu know the answer to that, and so do you. God created Kindred to remember the knowledge that men forget, and give it back to them. But Julian is too much the warrior to see this. Yes, you have helped him, and will continue to do so. And when his time has passed, when he is gone from us, you will take over."
Caitlin paled "You keep talking about his death."
"It will happen. If it happens in a way that strengthens his work, if he can make it an object lesson to us all, then he will be glad to lay down his burden honorably. I know it will happen, and I hope that he does not suffer much pain when it does, that it is quick for him...we live a long time, there is very little that can kill us, which means that quite often we have hard deaths..."
I hope that his death is not hard, he has known too much pain already. And I hope that I will not have to see it happen. I love him too much."
"And I hope I do not see it either." Daedalus sighed. "What will be, will be."
"Che Sera, sera."
"Yes. The future is not ours to see, what will be will be. But Julian will get what he wants, because he will pay any price for it. Just make sure that you are not part of the price he pays, because if he has to, he will sacrifice you for it."
"I want to help him. Maybe that is the only way that he will let me love him. The only way that he will love me. And his vision, his quest is a noble one. The Kindred need what he has to offer. Peace and the rule of Law. What humans take for granted out there. Due process, freedom from arbitrary rule. Protection for the law-abiding. I did not realize how much I was giving up when Julian embraced me. No wonder that he hated doing it. It is not the blood-taking that hurts our souls, it is the lawlessness."
"I know. We Nosferatu are fortunate not to know wars, and fortunate to have peaceful law-abiding rulers. But the others...they are all damaged. There was a time when I agonized over my physical deformity, when I thought it unfair. Then I realized how deformed the other clans had become from the constant warfare, I saw how damaged Julian was, or Cash, and I never complained again."
Caitlin nodded. "I keep thinking of Julian. He is all alone now. He knows that I cannot be there by him, and is learning to live without me. I wish that I could help him, I wish I could make him hurt a bit less."
"Only time will help Julian. And it is better that he does not see you for a few days. If it is any consolation, Julian understands why you have to leave, and in a way it is relieved it happened and he cannot hurt you as he hurt Sonny."
o
Julian turned in his bed. Soon it would be time to get up and face the problems of the Kindred. He tried to gather his courage and brace himself for what would come. He had to be strong, confident, sharp. And he felt like dying.
He kept wondering how easy it could be to decapitate oneself... maybe if he got a guillotine he could do it. Then the pain would stop. The raging inside his mind would be still, and he would be back in Archon's arms, and next to Alexandra, begging her forgiveness...
He looked at his watch and knew that he would not do it. As the minute hand move closer to the time when he was supposed to rise, his courage would return, his leg muscles would find the strength to carry him. And he would find the way to put Caitlin out of his mind long enough to do what was to be done.
It was only when the day's work was done, when he had exhausted all the tricks to avoid thinking of his own problems, when it was time for him to go to sleep again that Caitlin's face would come to him again, and her words asking him why did he keep shutting her out, ignoring her, putting he aside, would echo in his mind again.
He would relive again the moment when she walked out, and the sound of the door closing behind her. And he would again lie down on his bed, wondering if he would find the courage to get up again.
Caitlin would not go back to him. He knew it deep inside. She would be a friend still and a valuable ally. But there would be no more holding each other, sharing their blood in mutual ecstasy... (and that was his fault, because he had not shared himself, because he would not allow her access to himself as they laid side by side, taking in each other's blood - Caitlin was always wide open, vulnerable to him as they drew on each other, but not him. Caitlin searched for his soul in those moments, and found only emptiness.. - But he had to do it this way. He had to protect her...)
He loved her so much. But she was safer without him. What he was, the demons that drove him, could destroy her. He saw how his needs when aroused had damaged Sonny, how they continued to do so. He could not do the same thing to Caitlin.
Though less frequent now the flashbacks still were a danger to him. Sonny still had to force one or two every month. He wished that he could go to a confessor, but it could not happen, so he had to do without the comfort of the Church..
It was not enough. Not while his debt remained unpaid. Not until his work was done and the Kindred at peace and under the rule of Law. Not until every Kindred was safe under the protection of the court he had created and without fear from arbitrary acts from Primogens and Princes as well as attacks from other clans.
He did not want to have to give Caitlin's life as part of the payment he owed to the many men he had killed for Archon. His life, yes, they could have that. As long as what mattered to him was protected, as long as the court endured and served the Kindred as it was supposed to do, he would be glad to let them have it. But he would not give them Caitlin. It was bad enough that he had given them Sonny...
The minute hand moved closer to its goal, and Julian braced himself for the day ahead. It took so much courage to get out of bed these days... He took a deep breath, pushed the covers back, and was on his feet.
o
"How is he doing?" Frank asked Cash. "As well as can be expected. I do not blame Caitlin for walking out on him. I told him that he was going to blow it, and he did. But he is hurting."
"I am divorcing, too. My second one."
"Some people should not get married. And forgive me Frank, but you do not look half as heartbroken as he is. He adores her. She is the best thing that happened to him."
"With me it is more of a relief than anything. We were drifting apart too long. It is better to make it official and stop pretending that there is anything to save. And this time there are no children to make it hard."
"I hope that you learned your lesson
and don't marry again."
"And of course, you never married." "What for? I will have no children so what's the point of marriage? The ladies and I stay together for as long as it is good for us, and then part. Sometimes they leave me, and sometimes I leave them."
"Are you still carrying a torch for Sasha?"
"What is the point? She is Brujah, and I am Gangrel. I am fond of her, and if things were different we would give it a go. But it cannot be. We try to avoid each other. She has her lovers and I have mine. If Julian can get this court idea of his going, and if he can get real peace between the clans, then it might be different. But it will be a long time before we have real peace. I do not think that any of us will be here to see it."
"I know that I will not be."
"I do not think that Julian himself will be here to see it."
"Why do you say that?"
"It is too much of a job for a single man. And the way that Julian hurts, if he can find a way to die for it, he will. He will not commit suicide, because that is a dishonorable act. But to sacrifice his life for the sake of what he loves, that he will do. And that will end his guilt. And it will set Caitlin free of him with no regrets."
"I take that there is no way we can help him."
"None. When your best friend's heart breaks, all you can do is watch, stand by, and be ready to pick up the pieces."
"But Sonny will try to help anyway."
"Poor Sonny." Cash sighed. "He never could see Julian for what he is. For him Julian is always the knight in shining armor, 'le chevalier sans peur et sans reproche'. With him Sonny is still the scared black kid, running from the men who lynched his brother and were gunning for him, being hid by this strange white man who says that he will be his son. Do you know why Julian embraced Sonny? Apart from the obvious reason that he wanted a son?"
"Why?"
"According to Kindred law, human misery should be of no concern to us. That is a law that we keep finding ways around it, and the transgressions are winked at. After all, if people associate Kindred with being helped in tight spots, that is not precisely a bad thing. But anyway, the whole racial discrimination thing offended Julian and wanted to do something about it. But Kindred law is Kindred law and his opinions mattered little in those days. But he can be a patient man. He was Archon's trusted lieutenant and would go further. So he embraced Sonny, to get himself a black lieutenant. When the time came he would make the case to the Ventrue that his trusted lieutenant was hampered in his work by the human laws about race. By then Julian had clout, Archon had to go along, because he too relied on Sonny, and the Ventrue had to commit themselves to the Civil Rights struggle. Sonny never forgot that."
"Yes, I can see how that would lead Sonny to think of Julian as this wonderful, flawless hero. How is Sonny taking the divorce?"
"Broken hearted. If he could get Caitlin back for Julian he could. I had to talk him out of it. He keeps insisting that there must be something that we can do. And I keep insisting that there isn't"
"When I think of how happy they were at the time of their marriage. And when I remember how they got married...I saw them marry themselves and it was the most moving thing I saw."
"That was during the atomic bomb scare. Where it seemed that they had about a half hour to live. I was there, beating the streets, looking for leads myself."
"Well, I saw Julian take her for a wife under the sight of God and she took him as her husband the same way, and they drank from each other in front of the rest of us...How long ago was that? And now it is all over."
"Yes, it is. Well, Kindred should not marry at all. The only reason humans marry is to raise children in a stable home. We have no children that need stability, and we live a very long time. Long enough to get a bit tired of each other and want some variety. It is better to be friends instead."
"Friends who on occasion sleep together...isn't that what that lady thief says? Amanda?"
"Yes. That is what she says. She is Duncan MacLeod's good friend... Dammit, I forgot. I am supposed to have her picked up at the airport. She is coming in to visit Julian, and see what she can steal from him this time."
Cash looked at his watch. "I can still make it. You finish that beer for me, Frank."
o
Amanda burst into the room with a hearty laugh.
"Julian, I missed you so much!" she hugged him, kissing him on both cheeks. "I have so much to tell you."
"Amanda, it is so good to see you." Julian felt himself smile. Amanda's infectious good humor, her energy, and her daring always cheered him and this time it was no exception. "What have you been doing with yourself? Still in the circus?"
"You should go see it more often. It is an art form, which is neglected by highbrows, but no less true because of it."
"What do you do, tightrope? trapeze? juggling? or an animal act?"
"It is a combinatior martial arts exhibition and knife throwing."
"No swords involved."
"None. I did not have to defend my head all through this latest tour. Duncan stayed in Paris and had to defend it twice. It shows that traveling is good for your health."
"And all the money you collected were legitimate wages?"
"All the money, yes."
"What did you lift that wasn't money? Don't worry, I will not tell Duncan."
"It was this statue. It had been abandoned in a garden, had vines growing all over it, and you know how the little roots dig into the stone, destroying it. A few more years and it would have been damaged beyond repair. So I took it. Left a piece of stone in the middle of the vines, and it does not look any worse. I had the statue cleaned. I want you to look at it and tell me what you think."
"Do you have it here?"
"I will be getting it in a couple of days. I had it shipped in my trunk. One advantage of being a circus performer is that no one wonders why you need a trunk."
"Tell me, did you become a circus performer so that you could get a trunk for your stolen goods, or did you become a thief because you had such a handy trunk?"
"Neither. I was a thief before I was a circus performer. And I am in the circus because I love it. The way the public looks at you, the way they draw their breaths when you do something that seems impossible. I think I became a circus performer because no one watched and applauded me when I pulled out a daring theft."
"I do watch when you steal from me. I might applaud too."
'Julian" Amanda hugged him "I know you do. But please, do not talk about it. Remember about walls having ears."
"Not these walls. I have them swept for bugs every day. But you are right. I should not talk of these things."
"Do you want to know how much money are you getting out of it?"
"You will tell me later. Then you will tell me where do you think I could keep it, so that the Ventrue clan could not lay claim on it."
"How about life insurance policies? You can redeem them after a while, and in the meantime only you would know that they exist."
"With Sonny as beneficiary. Or Sasha. Or Caitlin. I will look into it."
"Any way, here is how much your share is." Amanda gave him a small notebook. "Be careful with it. You do not want it to fall in the wrong hands." She looked around. "It is hard to believe, seeing how you live, that very little of the money is yours."
"It is the clan money. When the Ventrue get one of their own elected Prince, they want to make sure that he or she stays loyal to the Ventrue, and to do that they keep him or her on a tight rein financially."
"And you do not wish to be so loyal."
"I want to be Prince to all the Kindred. And if that means ruling against the Ventrue when they are wrong, so be it. I have already got complaints for turning over guilty Ventrue to the council of Primogens to decide their fate. But how can I ask Cameron to give me guilty Brujah's heads if I do not give him guilty Ventrue's heads? Unless I take a leaf out of Cash and start using a baseball bat on erring Ventrue, I have to do it by the rules."
"Well, you know that I am willing to help. And make a profit for myself at the same time."
She impulsively hugged Julian and kissed him. "Cheer up, partner. It will work out."
"Why did you do that?" Julian asked surprised.
"You seemed so sad...Tell me, how are you doing, really?"
"Caitlin is divorcing me."
"I am sorry."
"It is my fault. I kept shutting her out. Keeping secrets from her, not trusting her, making her a stranger. Alexandra walked out on me for the same reason. And then... then she broke the Masquerade and I had to order her execution."
"And you are afraid that the same will happen to Caitlin?"
Julian nodded.
"Poor Julian." Amanda hugged him again. "Caitlin is a different person from Alexandra, you know that."
"I know." "What was important to Alexandra is not so important to Caitlin. I do not think that History will repeat itself."
"If it did, I do not think I could bear it. And if she did break the Masquerade, if in any way she did something that is punished by death, I would have to order her execution. I would have to do it, or lose all my power, lose all my chances to do what I want to do. I would have to sacrifice her for the sake of my dreams... Amanda, do you know what it is like to know that you are willing to give up the people you love most for your ideals?"
Amanda shook her head. "Julian, I know what it is to know that unless I lose my head first, the day will come when I will be in combat to the death with Duncan, with Richie, with each of my friends. One day Duncan might take my head. When the Gathering comes friend will fight friend for the sake of the Prize."
"And how do you handle it?"
"We do not think about it. We tell ourselves that we may not make it to the Gathering, so there is not point in agonizing over it. You should do the same. Do not think about it. It is up to Caitlin to decide whether to break the law or not. And for all you know, you will get killed before that happens. After all, you are more of a target than she is. So it is more likely that she will be at your funeral than you will be at hers. Cheer up."
"Cheer up, because I might get be the one killed first." He laughed. "Some way of cheering yourselves, you Immortals have."
"It works, doesn't it?"
"It does. You are always laughing, Amanda. You enjoy life so much..."
"What is not to enjoy? I have done things that few mortals have done. I have had love, and friendship. I have had adventures, and I have tested my skills against the best. It is not a bad life."
"How many heads have you taken?"
"As many as I had to. Except in rare cases, I was always defending myself."
"And you are the best thief in the world."
"I would not say the best, but probably I am one of the best." She sighed. "Duncan does no approve of my stealing, but you see it for the skill it is. I always steal from those who can spare it. Same as you do. And I give some of it back to those who need it. And you give back, too. If only the human world knew how much you give back..."
"If they knew I would be executed for breaking the Masquerade."
"Yes, of course." She reached up and kissed Julian again. "Julian, it hurts me to see you like this. I wish I could cheer you up, make you see it is not the end of the world."
"My heart is breaking, Amanda. I love Caitlin so much. And I drove her away."
"Julian, I know the heartbreak. I have had lovers walk out on me, and I walked out on them. And then...then I realized that when you live that long any deep passionate love is doomed by time. Humans can have this love because they live only so long, and then when the children come, the love becomes something else, a deeper companionship that comes from a shared endeavor. When Immortals want this passionate love they seek out mortals. Then they have all the passion all the deep need for each other, knowing that their loved one will die before the passion dies out."
"It sounds so... cynical."
"When you live this long, you learn to accept facts. Passionate love is an exalted state, a peak. No one can stay at a peak forever. Sooner or later you have to come down and take care of mundane details. After a few centuries you know what will happen, and learn to accept it."
"But you and Duncan..."
"Duncan and I are friends. We sleep together on occasion, but friends is what we are. A friendship that is deeper than any love you can know. What do I feel for Duncan? Just this. If my neck was on the block, and I was bound hand and foot, if I knew that Duncan was the one swinging the sword, I would have no fear. And it is the same with him. It is not the deep shattering love you have for Caitlin. It is better."
Julian shook his head. "I want more than that."
"Julian, this is the best that you can hope to have. You should try it. Be Caitlin's friend, her best friend. Be there for her, and accept that she is there for you. And tame your heart."
Julian shook his head.
"Oh, Julian, why do you hurt yourself so much? Why can't you see how simple things are? Why cannot you enjoy life?"
"I try."
"Yes, you are trying, very trying."
"I know. You should see some of the things my friends call me. I am a morose bastard, is the kindest they can come up with."
"You need to have fun. Do some silly thing for no reason at all, except that it makes you laugh. Go to the movies. Go dancing. What do you do for fun? Or do you do anything at all?"
"I rent movies often. I do go to parties."
"Real fun parties? Or political affairs?"
"Political affairs. I cannot allow myself to be seen out of control."
"What kind of movies do you rent?"
"Big sweeping dramas."
"No comedies?"
"Rarely."
Amanda rolled her eyes. "Julian, I am taking you out for some real fun. No one has to know it is you. But we are going out. You can fly, can't you?"
"Yes."
"Take me on a rooftop tour of San Francisco." She put her hands around his neck. "Right now. I am going to show how it is done."
o
"Yiii.!" Amanda shouted as Julian dove in, coming dangerously close to the rootops. " Higher, or we crash!"
"Don't worry." Julian said, with a laugh. "I have not crashed yet."
Amanda tightened her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. She let her head hang upside down, looking at how the San Francisco skyline rose up to meet her.
Two more dives, and then Julian stopped on a rooftop. He was smiling, still exhilarated by his ride.
"I did not know that it could be so much fun." he said.
"And there is no one here to know that you are being undignified." Amanda pointed out. "Isn't that great?"
"Yes." He laid himself down against the roof tiles. "It is so...empty here, so calm. Anything can happen, and no one will know."
"No. No one. You can make faces, moon the street, sing silly songs, and no one know what a silly ass the Prince is."
"No, not the Prince. I am not the Prince here in this roof. Just Julian. Just me."
Amanda nodded. "We should have a bottle of champagne. Then we could toast each other."
"I can get one from the club."
"No. Let's get one from the liquor store."
"They are all closed at this hour."
"So we break in. I will teach you how it is done. We lift a bottle of champagne, and then come back here to share it."
"Steal it?"
"We will leave money for it behind."
"Amanda..."
"Julian, I am going to show you a real good time. I am going to teach you how to burgle. It will cheer you up immensely to drink from a bottle that you yourself stole."
Julian frowned, then shrugged. "Why not?" he said. "But we will pay for it."
o
Julian felt excitement beat into him as he held the up the belt by which Amanda hung by her feet from the upper window. Amanda swung towards the refrigerator and opened the door to it.
"Lower me a bit more." she said. "I want to get a good bottle."
Julian obeyed, and he hung halfway from the window himself. He hoped that he would not lose his balance. In the meantime Amanda took her time choosing the wine.
"I take that you do not dring Andre wine?'
"It is good enough for today."
"No. I will get you this. It is Spanish Cava. Relatively cheap, but has a kick. Good for drinking on a rooftop."
She took it and closed the refrigerator door.
"Don't forget to pay." Julian said.
"Of course, what was I thinking."
She dropped the folded bills on the floor, where they would remain hidden until the owner came in and found them.
'Leave a note saying what it is for."
"Julian, I cannot write with this bottle in my arm."
"Just note what you took."
"All right."
She pulled the paper that Julian had given her and wrote as best she could with her free hand.
"There. This is the best we can do. Now pull me up before someone calls the cops."
o
"You are right, champagne tastes better when you get it this way." Julian said, as Amanda passed the bottle back to him.
They had forgotten to get glasses, and they had decided that another trip for them would be too much work. It was exhilarating for Julian to drink straight from the bottle, something he never did otherwise.
"All right, I showed you how I steal. Now you show me how you feed."
"Fair enough. We are both thieves in the night. You show me yours and I show you mine."
The window on the tenth floor opened without difficulty, and Julian stepped in, with Amanda clinging to him.
"Very expensive place." Amanda said. "Some of the things here.."
"Amanda, you did your stealing already. Let me show you mine. Please do not take anything."
Amanda made a face. "All right. But they got so much stuff that they will not miss a thing or two."
The couple was sleeping deeply when they went into the bedroom.
"They will not wake." Julian said. "Now watch me how it is done."
There was a quick cut, a welling of blood, and then Julian was lapping it calmly, with an expression of contentment in his face. This was not the best feeding for him, but it was good enough. There was little chance here of giving anything back, but perhaps restraining Amanda was enough.
He finished feeding, closed the wound, watched it to make sure that there was no blood seeping out, and then released his source.
"That was easy." "It is." the couple continued to sleep, unaware of the two intruders standing by their side.
"You enjoyed it?"
"Yes. It was good. Not as good as it could be, but good enough."
"What would make it real good?"
"If I gave something back."
"Well, I do not think that you could give her anything she really needs."
He looked around.
"No, not really."
"But maybe there is someone else in the city who can use some help. Some out-of-season visit from Santa."
Julian's eyes sparkled. "Why not?" he asked.
Amanda threw her arms around his neck. "All right, carry me. Let's find out someone who can use some unexpected gift and give it to him or her."
"I know just someone. Nell told me of her, and I was going to do something for her through channels. But it does not hurt to do a little extra."
o
The room was almost bare, and not fully clean. The three children were all sleeping in the same bed, and the woman slept on the floor, wrapped in a blanket. One of the children fretted.
"One of her sons is diabetic. It eats at her budget to care for him. I will probably find her some work that will cover her bills. But in the meantime a little help will come a long way."
"I take that there is no husband."
"The husband took off to find himself. Figured that the children could live on air until then. When he comes back, asking for forgiveness, I will remind the children that this is the man who threw them into the street to starve, and that all he has the right to is the door in his face."
Amanda stared at him, surprised at the grim determination in him. "You take this seriously."
"I despise irresponsibility. There is nothing charming in that. And to abandon your own children..."
"You had to abandon your child when you became Kindred." Amanda said, softly remembering Julian's story. "Not that you had any choice."
"I could have stayed with my family a couple of months more, until the consumption finished me off. And then I would have been unable to do anything for them. I was able to help them through the years, even though they did not know it. I wish that I could have been with my son as he grew up. But I saw him grow up, and I helped him through many a crisis with the help that the Kindred could give him. And so with my grandchildren. It was the best that I could do. As for Maria, my wife...she hoped to be reunited with me when she died. She is still waiting for me...I hope that she has forgiven me for the deception."
"Julian." Amanda kissed him in the cheek. "You did the best you could for her. I think she knows that, and I think that she is smiling at you. You will come back to her in good time."
"Even if I did, I am not longer the same man I was when I was married to her. We would have so little in common now..."
"Then by now she knows it and is willing to let you go. Have you ever felt her pressence, tugging at you, pushing into your consciousness?"
"I did for a few days after she died. Then no more. I felt sadness, a sense of farewell. Yes, I think that was when she let me go...I had a thought about my son, and my grandchildren. That I must keep watching over them...then she gave me up."
Amanda nodded. "Yes, that was it. She let you go. Do the same, Julian. Do not let guilt consume you when you did the best you could."
"I do not have that much guilt over it now..."
"Julian, you collect guilt the way other people collect stamps. You have to learn to let go of much of it. If you do not deserve it, if you have not earned it properly, you have to give it back."
"To whom?"
"To the Post Office in charge of distributing guilt. Write down "wrong address" and let them figure out where to send it next."
"Yes." he smiled. "Well, we have to leave our gift behind."
He folded several bills into an envelope, and Amanda added some of her own to it.
"This will take care of her landlord and electric bills" He put it in the cupboard, then advanced towards the sleeping woman.
"Rosalie." he said. "Rosalie, listen."
The woman's eyes were open. She was unfocused, but not wholly awake.
"There is an envelope of money in your cupboard. It is yours. If they ask you, you say that someone owed you money and they paid it back. Santa has come earlier in the year for your kids. Just take good care of them. And Monday there may be a job waiting for you."
The woman nodded. Julian gestured and she fell asleep again.
"Well, this is done. We have to go."
o
They were on the rooftop again, dancing slowly to a tape recorder that played Frank Sinatra songs. Amanda laid her head over Julian's shoulder, who was humming along with Frank. Amanda tightened her arms around Julian's back.
"I could fall in love with you, I think." she said.
"And Duncan?"
"I love him too. And he loves you. We are all good friends. But you...you are so vulnerable in ways that Duncan is not. I want to take care of you, to protect you. Duncan can take care of himself, always has for centuries. You still need someone."
"Kindred are more social than Immortals. We have problems with each other, but it is not a given, when we meet another Kindred that one day one of them will take the other's head."
"Yes, that is it." She kissed him gently on the cheek. "You are so sweet, Julian. And you hurt so much. I want to make things right for you again. Do you understand that?"
"You cannot get Caitlin back to me. It is better that she left me, even though it hurts me. She is better off, and I am in no danger of hurting her."
"I know." she kissed him again. "Poor Julian. You are always taking care of everyone else. But who takes care of you?"
"Sonny does." This was a painful subject for Julian, so Amanda did not press on it. They continued dancing, slowly, letting their arms tighten around each other, drawing their bodies closer and closer together.
"Amanda." Julian said at last. "I want...I want to sleep with you."
"Julian, I thought you'd never ask."
o
The sheet was covered with small bloodstains.
Julian had used his fingernails while Amanda had recourse to razorblades. They had made thousands of little cuts on each other, drawing little amounts of blood each time, drivng each other wild with the intensity of their drawing at each wound. For Julian, the knowledge that Amanda could not be hurt, could not be embraced, no matter how wild, out of control, his lovemaking was, had unleashed his deeper urges.
He now lay exhausted, both crying and laughing at once. Amanda rolled on her side, her eyes dreamy. She let her head rest on Julian's naked chest. He was so like and so unlike Duncan...And unlike Duncan he could be hurt so much... She had to warn him before Julian fell in love with her. It could happen so easily. And it would cost him grief in the end.
"Amanda..." Julian said. "It means worthy to be loved."
Amanda nodded. "Yes, Julian." she paused. "But not by you."
He turned hurt eyes to her. "Julian, you are a friend, a dear friend. I wanted this to be good for you, because you need it. I will go to bed with you anytime that you need it. Or just for fun. But do not make the mistake of falling in love with me."
"Why?"
"Because I am not like you, can never be. I am an Inmortal; I carry a sword. I have to defend my life time after time with it. I know how much you hate when Duncan goes to fight. Could you handle it better in the woman you loved?"
Julian frowned, remembering how Lillie had gone into hysterics when Duncan had gone on a challenge.
"But I am not like her." he said to himself.
"No matter how much an Immortal cares for another, we are still alone when we die, with no other company but the one who takes our Quickening. No Immortal can help another, no Immortal can step in once a challenge can be issued. If someone came for my head, Duncan would have to step back and let me fight. He would tell the other Immortal that he would take his or her head afterwards, but except for that, he would watch me get killed and not lift a finger to help me. And I would have to do the same with him. Could you do it? Could you watch me get killed and do nothing to help me?"
Julian shook his head.
"At least Duncan could avenge me. He could take the other's head and receive his Quickening, and mine too. You could not even do that. If you avenged me, the Quickenings would be wasted, because you could not receive them. My Quickening would never make it to the Gathering. And that must never be. So tell me Julian, are you willing to watch the woman you love be beheaded, and then wish the killer a safe journey home?"
"Amanda, it does not have to be this way."
"It will happen this way, sooner or later. We Inmortals know that there is only one way for us to die. And all must die, sooner or later. Your lifespan is not so short that you can say that it will not happen while you still live."
"Amanda..." he wanted to protest, but he knew that she was right. He remembered the wrenching pain of waiting for Duncan to return from his challenge, not knowing if he had survived it. To fall in love with Amanda, and to know the same pain...
"I care for you, Julian. I want to be your friend, as good to you as Duncan. And I tell you this for your own good. Do not fall in love with a lady who carries a sword, for one day she will break your heart."
"But today...today we can still..."
"Today, tomorrow, every day that I am still in San Francisco, you and I can do this. Let's make good memories, and let's not damage them by trying to hold on to what cannot be, afterwards."
Julian nodded.
"Julian, I do not want to hurt you in any way. You had too much of that already. I want it to be good. I want this a memory that you can hold on in your dark hours. Please, do not hurt yourself by asking for what cannot be."
She bent over him and kissed him several times. He responded, slowly at first, then he let the passion come over him. He needed this release so much...
"Amanda..." he said. He was not sure what he was saying, what he was asking her. But he was grateful that she was there, grateful that he could hold on to her body, and that she held on to him.
"Julian.." she said, and threw herself hungrily on him, forcing passion into him and seeing him respond once more.
o
Amanda was cataloguing the knicknacks that Julian had placed in the different rooms of the house when Caitlin came in.
"Are you casing the joint?" Caitlin asked, amused.
"I am only admiring them. I am not always on the job."
Actually it was not true. She was calculating how much some of them could be sold if placed in the black market. But Julian's financial manipulations were a secret that she would keep from anyone, even the woman Julian loved more than his own life.
"I know of this game that Julian and you play. It makes him happy, and does not cost him that much, so I do not see why you two should not have some fun."
"I am glad that you understand. Julian is a very good friend. I would not hurt him for anything in the world."
"Unlike me, of course."
Amanda stared at her. "I know that you are lovers now."
"Not lovers. Friends that sleep together on occasion."
"And this is one occasion?"
"He needs it."
Caitlin nodded. "Yes, he does. Look it is not as if I wanted to leave him. I had to. He is too hag ridden for me to handle. And I cannot help him. I can only make things worse for him..."
"I understand. He understands too."
Caitlin covered her face with her hands. "I wish he did not understand so much. I wish he was not so noble, so self-sacrificing. I wish he could get mad, be selfish. I wish he could get a normal reaction... then I would not hurt so much."
"Caitlin, it is not your fault. It is not his either."
"It is Archon's fault. He made Julian into a killer, forced him into a life that was against his nature. Julian does not believe that he can be forgiven his past, ever. Not while he lives. Sometimes I wish that he was dead and at peace at last."
"Julian is one of the best men I know. Human, Kindred, or Inmortal. And I want to help him any way I can."
"I know you do. And you helped, already. You kept him away from Lillie."
"You do not like her?" It was not a real question.
"She stills wants him back. And on her terms. Which means to forget about his mission, the goals he set for himself. Lillie wants him to settle down to an ordinary life with her."
"I can see why."
"But that is not what Julian needs. He needs to reach his goals, and then he can die and be at peace. Isn't it terrible, what I wish for him? But I see how much he hurts. He needs to pay off his debt before he knows peace. Lillie does not understand that."
"Caitlin..." Amanda put her hand on Caitlin's shoulder. "I will do what I can."
"I know you do. I love him, Amanda. I will always love him. But I cannot live with him. So please, give him what I cannot."
"I will."
Caitlin put her arms around Amanda and held her tightly. "Thank you." she said, with tears forming in her eyes.
"Please, help him."
o
"We have a job to do." Cash said to Sonny and Frank as they sat down at the table.
"A job? What kind of job?" Frank asked.
"A kidnapping. Catch this guy and keep him incomunicado for a few days."
"Cash, last time I checked, kidnapping was illegal." Frank said. "We are paid to enforce the laws, not break them."
"Who is it?" Sonny asked.
"An Immortal. Name of Rashid. He challenged Amanda, and she asked Caitlin to keep him out of circulation."
"I see." Sonny said. "She wants to protect Julian. She will not have any challenges in San Francisco, because he will freak out if she goes to defend her head."
"That's the idea. When she leaves San Francisco, he can come after her. They will battle where Julian will not know of it. And if the worst happens, Julian will not find out until afterwards."
"Well, now that you explain it, I see nothing wrong with it." Frank said. "It is still kidnapping, but then Immortals, same as Kindred, are somewhat outside human law."
"I am glad you have come to see it this way." Cash said, smiling. "You used to be more of a stickler for procedure when I first met you."
"I did not know then half of the things I know now." Frank smiled "I used to get skittish at the idea of anybody taking my blood. And when I think of how many times you or Sonny, or even Julian have taken from me, and now I think nothing of it..."
"But still you will not be embraced." Cash said.
"Sorry, your lifestyle is not for me. I am too fond of my constitutional guarantees, and the Bill of Rights. Kindred do not have that. Their lives are at the mercy of their Primogen and the Prince of the City. I know that Julian is a wonderful guy, one of the best men who ever lived. But still I do not want him to be the one person deciding whether I should live or die. I'd rather have due process."
"Julian is trying to change that." Sonny said. "He is trying to get a court working for Kindred to take their complaints to. There are minor courts, for minor complaints. He wants to build on that."
"I know that he is trying, that he will get there in time. But he is not there yet."
"All right." Cash said "Enough of philosophizing. We have to decide how to find Rashid, how to catch him, and where to hold him. And maybe convince him that Amanda's head is not for him."
o
"I am sorry that you have to go." Julian said, lying next to Amanda. "are you sure that you have to go?"
"I have to go, Julian. This is not my home. And we had agreed that this was for a short time only. It was beautiful while it lasted. If we try to hold on beyond that it might not be so beautiful. Let us share a beautiful memory. And I will be back, and we will have other beautiful memories."
"I know." He nodded. "I just wish that time did not pass so fast."
Amanda nodded. "We still have a few hours." she said. "Let's make the best of them. No regrets, Julian."
"No, no regrets." he reached to her and kissed her on the eyelids. "I could almost fall in love with you, if it wasn't for Caitlin."
"Let go of her, Julian. Be willing to be her friend."
"I will try." Julina began kissing her softly along the line of the jaw, while running his hands over her back. She felt so comfortable, so...so fitting in his hands. There was no passion between them, but he enjoyed holding her... "Amanda. Thief of my heart. How much have you stolen from me, leaving me joy in exchange? And now you have given me this..."
"I am your friend, Julian. Always."
Her mind raced involuntarily to thoughts of Rashid. Caitlin had assured her that she would not run into him until she was at a good distance of San Francisco. According to Caitlin, all that Rashid knew was that he had been kidnapped by Iranian commandos who thought he was this traitor who had a price on his head. From all reports he was taking the situation calmly. He had been told that he would be shot as a traitor, and once he knew that his head would remain attached to his body he had accepted the inevitable delay. There would be time later to catch up with Amanda. And there were other Immortals within reach. In any case, when Rashid caught up with her, it would be at a safe distance from Julian. She thought that she could beat Rashid. And if she did not, it would be a while before Julian found out... Sometimes being an Immortal was tough. According the the rules, she had to fight Rashid by herself, and she had to obey them...If only Julian was not so vulnerable... She would not think about it. She could beat Rashid, that was all that she knew. She would fight hard, as she did, take his head, and say nothing about it. As she always did. And she would comfort Julian for the few hours they had together.
Epilog:
"Amanda took Rashid's head." Caitlin told Sonny.
"That is good. He never suspected that it wasn't Iranian terrorists that shot him?"
"She says that he was beginning to wonder about it. But not enought to do anything about it. He had other similar incidents in his long life. After all, Middle Eastern politics are rather rough and he was quite involved in them."
"I will tell Frank and Cash of it. Frank was a bit upset about the shooting. After all, if Rashid was not what he was, it would be murder. That is why I cut Rashid a few times, to reassure Frank that he healed quickly and thus was an Immortal. We had our trial, and Rashid refused to defend himself. He figured out that he would get out faster by being executed, so he confessed to all his 'crimes'. Then I took him out, shot him, and dumped the body in the cellar. We made a show of leaving the place in the car, and then waited. We were considerate enough to leave his wallet with his money and keys on the table, along with other things. He took them, straightened his clothes and left. Frank was quite relieved about it."
Caitlin shook her head, amused. "Well, he got to be an Iranian terrorist. It was a bit risky, but I could not let Amanda go and defend her head with Julian watching. She did him a lot of good, and I would not have him set back."
"It was very noble of you to help Amanda. After all, she was trying to take your place."
"No, Lillie is the one trying. Amanda is just a friend. And I am not noble. If I was I would not have hurt Julian as I did."
Sonny did not answer it. He had done more than his share of pleading with her to return to Julian, and learned that it did no good. He still hoped that they would one day be together again, but he knew that if it did, it would not happen soon.
"Well, that business was taken care of. I'll make sure that Julian never learns of it, or you will all be lectured to death. And then Frank will lose his temper and yell at Julian again."
Sonny nodded. "Will you want anything else?" he asked.
"No, that is enough. Tell Cash and Frank thanks from me. They helped Julian a lot."