A/N: So… it's been quite awhile since I wrote/updated anything. I've had quite a lot going on in my life, and for awhile I was in an absolutely terribly place. My life was screwed up, and I quit writing. Luckily, I got my life squared away again, and my muse returned to me. This particular idea has been haunting me since I first heard this song, but it wasn't until recently that I found a good reason for Cristina to dive into drugs. (Thank you, Season 7, thank you!) So here ya go.
Disclaimer: Clearly, I don't own the song. Clearly, I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Clearly, I own nothing. Clearly, this makes me sad. Clearly.
Just to Get High
He was my best friend, I tried to help him
But he traded everything for suffering
And found himself alone
Meredith crossed her arms, gazing worriedly through her living room window into the pouring rain. Cristina was supposed to show over three hours ago for dinner. Of course, Meredith intended to talk to her about her strange behavior over the past few weeks, but Cristina didn't need to know that until later. After she'd eaten. After she was finally safe in Meredith's living room, protected from the outside world, even if not from the demons that had haunted her since the shooting. I watched the lying, turn into hiding
With scars on both his lips; his fingertips
Were melted to the bone
Meredith knew the signs. Her father was an alcoholic. Working at Seattle Grace, she'd been exposed drug addicts. Alex had taught her the signs long ago. She never thought she'd see them in her best friend, her person, her soul sister.
Cristina had quit her job, taking one at the favorite bar in town. Harmless, except that Cristina couldn't face her issues. She used her job to get free access to alcohol and, according to Alex's incredibly accurate instincts, drugs. Her attendance at work had gotten sporadic, her excuses more and more outlandish (her mother was in the hospital in another state and Cristina needed to housesit), and then one day she just quit showing.
If it was just alcohol, Meredith wouldn't have been as worried as she was now. Well, she'd have been worried, but not this kind of worried. She wouldn't feel this gut-wrenching, tear-inducing, nauseating worry she felt every waking moment of every day. She wouldn't feel the kind of worry that flooded her dreams with terrifying thoughts and images that woke her in full-fledged panic attacks, driving her gasping and sobbing into Derek's loving, soothing embrace.
Meredith had run into Cristina randomly at the store one day last week, after not seeing her for nearly a month. The sight had of her had broken Meredith's heart. Cristina had been a wraith. She'd always been small, but now she was nothing but bones. She was ghostly pale. Her beloved best friend had burn marks on her fingers and livid, angry red scars on her lips. From heated glass tubes, Alex had said. Heated glass tubes… meant hard drugs. She was at least smoking them. Cristina had kept her arms covered with long sleeves, so Meredith couldn't tell if she had track marks from shooting. She prayed to God that that wasn't the case.
She had, on Alex's suggestion (when had they gotten so close?), invited Cristina to dinner. Though distracted and jittery, eyes glazed and shining with an unnatural light, Cristina had agreed.
"Yeah, yeah… I'll be there… No problem. Fun. Good stuff." Cristina had muttered quickly, eyes darting everywhere but not taking in anything. She had been nervous and jumpy, scratching her covered arms and the back of her neck and starting at every sound. Meredith didn't want to believe the evidence in front of her, but she had no choice. Owen had told her that Cristina hadn't been home in weeks, and she wouldn't answer the phone for anyone. The police were looking, but there was only so much they could do to find someone who didn't want to be found.
But I can still remember
What his face looked like
When I found him in an alley
In the middle of the night
"Still not here?" Derek's voice cut through Meredith's reflections. He came up behind her and put his arms around her shoulders, holding her close. She sighed, closing her eyes and leaning into his embrace.
"No, she isn't." Meredith's voice was as heavy as lead with the emotions she was feeling. She was exhausted, sad, and worried. She knew in her bones that if she couldn't help Cristina, her person would die.
'Die…' Meredith pulled away from Derek, away from the thought. "I've got to go," she told Derek. Without consciously making the choice to do so, she crossed to the front door, snatching her jacket from the coat stand and throwing it on as she dashed out the door into the pouring rain and to her car. She couldn't let Cristina die.
Tell me what you know
Tell me what you gone and done now
Tell me what you know
Tell me what you gone and done now
She had no idea where to start… She yanked her phone out of her pocket, put the little bastard on speaker, and started blowing up Cristina's phone as she drove toward the city. No answer. No answer. No answer. No goddamn answer. "Fuck, Cristina, please answer…" Nothing.
Gonna do the trick, get it over with
You're better off to take all that
You've got and burn it on the spot
Just to get high
Meredith had no idea what Cristina was doing to get the drugs, but she knew that some of them got expensive. No way would she be able to get them with no money, unless she was getting desperate and resorting to drastic measures… and Alex had said that a desperate drug addict would do just about anything for a fix.
Meredith trusted Alex implicitly. He cared about Cristina, too, but he was a realist. He didn't tell Meredith what she wanted to hear. He told her the truth of the situation, though not unkindly. She could hear his words as though he was sitting next to her.
"Cristina's probably turning a lot of tricks to get her stuff. I wouldn't doubt that she's sold some of her stuff to get the drugs. Depending on how far her using has progressed, she may be signing contracts or selling her body for the drugs," he had explained one day.
"Signing contracts?" Meredith had asked, confused.
"It means she's the one going into the pharmacies to get the stuff to make the shit. They run police reports in the database, and she's got a clean record. Plus, she's got a medical degree, so there wouldn't be too much of a question on her, if she put on the right show. Like I said, she may be sleeping around for the drugs, too."
Meredith, horrified, had turned away to hide her tears. Three days no sleeping, he gave up eating
He sold his mother's rings, she said nothing
And pretended not to know
When Meredith had seen Cristina in the store, she had felt the certainty in her soul. Cristina didn't eat or sleep much anymore. Her eyes had black circles under them, her cheeks were sunken, her arms looked like they'd snap under the slightest pressure, and her hipbones jutted sharply where they showed above her low-slung jeans. Meredith couldn't believe that her person looked like this… that she couldn't stop it, or even slow her person's downward spiral.
And then the call from Cristina's mother (who, incidentally, was alive and well in her own home in the city) came. Someone had been in the house and had stolen every piece of jewelry she owned. Meredith had gone over to see the damage. The lock hadn't been forced and none of the windows were broken. There was only one other person who had a key to the place, but Cristina's mother wouldn't – or couldn't - face the truth of her daughter's addiction.
He started stealing to supply the feeling
Found out he pulled a knife on someone's wife
And held it to her throat
The reports kept coming that Cristina's behavior was getting more and more erratic and dangerous. Meredith heard from Richard that Cristina had pulled a blade on a former patient's wife and threatened to kill her unless she handed over her purse. Meredith couldn't believe that Cristina would stoop so low. Cristina wasn't a violent person. She preferred to avoid conflict. Never would she pull a knife on someone, or seriously threaten them... Well, except her interns, but she was all talk there. She'd never actually disembowel anyone…
But she had pulled the knife, and she had threatened someone's life. The couple had, miraculously, decided not to press charges, because they knew and loved Cristina, but that didn't change what had happened. "Why, Cristina? What hurts so badly that you can't just talk to me about this?" Meredith shook her head sadly. Cristina was so lost. She had seen it through the glaze in her eyes that day in the store.
But I can still remember
What his face looked like
When I found him in an alley
In the middle of the night
Something told Meredith to go to the hospital. She turned her car in that direction and followed her gut. She circled the hospital, squinting through the rain. She had no idea what she was going to find here. Maybe a clue? A lead? Something to tell her where Cristina was, or at least give her a teensy hint? Something to give her hope, at least? "Please, God…" Meredith didn't even know what her prayer meant.
A dark shape stirring in an alley behind the hospital brought Meredith to a complete stop. After a moment's hesitation, she drove her car onto the curb, angling it so that she could see through the rain and into the dark gap between buildings.
Her headlights cut through the dark and rain and illuminated a crumpled figure in tattered jeans, battered sneakers, and a grungy shirt. Meredith leapt out of her car and closed the gap between them. Reaching the figure, she knelt beside it, kicking a syringe and an empty plastic baggie out of the way. She put her hand out and touched the figure's bare arm gently. The petite figure groaned and winced, cringing. Then… the figure looked through a curtain of matted black hair and met Meredith's gaze.
The battered shape… was Cristina.
Tell me what you know
Tell me what you gone and done now
Tell me what you know
Tell me what you gone and done now
"Oh my God," was Meredith's tormented exclamation. Her best friend looked like Hell. The circles under her eyes were darker than Meredith believed possible and she was dangerously thin. Cristina was shivering, tears running down her face as her body shook. The saddest, most terrible part, though, was the expression in her eyes. Cristina was staring out from the fires of Hell, lost and desperate. She was terrified, and her terror radiated out of her very pores. Her eyes begged for help, her twisted face wordlessly pleaded for Meredith to save her. "Meredith… Please…" she reached for her person, the sister she'd never had, the friend she relied on beyond any other.
Meredith shrugged out of her jacket, wrapped it around her freezing, frightened friend, and lifted her gently. Cradling her, Meredith stroked her hair and held her close, trying to soothe her. "I'm here, Cristina. I've got you. You're safe, you're with me now. Nothing's going to hurt you. It's going to be alright, I promise." Cristina's frail hands closed on Meredith's arms, and Meredith held her tighter. Cristina felt so fragile, so… breakable. The fiery spirit and quiet strength that made Cristina who she was had gone, leaving only this battered and feeble shell. It broke Meredith's heart, and she resolved to help Cristina through this, no matter what it took.
Gonna do the trick, get it over with
You're better off to take all that
You've got and burn it on the spot
Just to get high
"C'mon, let's get you home," Meredith said, helping Cristina to her feet. Cristina wavered for a moment before her wasted legs gave out from under her. Meredith caught her and supported her as they made their way back to the car. Meredith put Cristina in the passenger seat and cranked the heater to warm her. She was soaking wet and freezing, her immune system was most likely shot from the drugs she'd been taking (sadly, Meredith reflected that Cristina had indeed resorted to shooting them as well as smoking them, if the syringe was indeed hers).
Meredith would have taken her into Seattle Grace, but she and Derek were both doctors, she didn't want to cause a scene inside, and she knew from experience that Cristina would fare much better if she was someplace she felt safe. She needed to be around Meredith, not bright lights and judgmental, scrutinizing faces and whispers.
Tell me what you did, where you gone and hid?
Show me what you really want, was it what you got?
Slowly circle in the drain, throw it all away
Just to get high, high, high, oh
Cristina reached for Meredith's hand. It was odd, Meredith reflected, how Cristina, who normally hated to be touched, was so hungry for human contact in this moment. Or maybe she just wanted assurance that Meredith wasn't a hallucination. Either way, she'd been living in a drug-induced haze, doing God-knew-what for weeks in order to stay up. She had probably hallucinated, seen things and smelled things and heard things that weren't really there. She'd been hiding, lying, doing things completely out of character. She'd been… she'd been to Hell. Meredith took her friend's hand, squeezing gently. Cristina was her closest friend, and right now, she needed someone to hold her hand. If she trusted no one but Meredith to do it, then so be it.
Tell me what you know
Tell me what you gone and done now
Tell me what you know
Tell me what you gone and done now
Meredith pulled into the driveway of her house and cut the car off. Cristina still clutched her hand, fear still emanating from her emaciated body. Meredith hurried to the passenger seat to help her friend inside. Cristina leaned against Meredith, and Meredith caught a whiff of the drugs and booze Cristina had been into. Her heart broke again.
The lights in the house were off. Derek hadn't waited up, which was fine by Meredith. It would give her time to talk to Cristina alone, with no interference. Meredith sat her friend on the couch and turned on the lamp sitting on the end table. Cristina looked even gaunter in the light from the lamp. Meredith went into the kitchen to get Cristina something to eat. She didn't know how long it had been since Cristina had eaten last, but she knew that she'd better get her friend to eat something.
Cristina quickly inhaled the lasagna that Meredith brought out for her. She looked distinctly queasy, but she managed to keep it down. She drank the water that Meredith gave her without complaint, and then ate three apples within seconds of each other. She was so thin…
Meredith offered to let Cristina use her shower, and Cristina accepted. She took her time, getting the grime and that sour smell off of her skin. She borrowed a pair of Meredith's pajamas and sat down again next to her friend. She sighed, looking around and shaking her head.
"What?" Meredith asked.
"Nothing. Just… thinking," Cristina replied, sorrow weighting her voice.
"I'm here if you want to talk."
Cristina smiled halfheartedly. "I ran. From everything. From Owen, from surgery, from the hospital, from my friends, my family… from you…
"It was… amazing, at first. It was just a little dabbling at first. You know, some pot, a little coke. Then I tried E. Then when that didn't do it for me, I went for meth. It was the only thing that mattered, suddenly." Cristina shook her head again, and Meredith took her hand, squeezing gently, silently encouraging her.
"Then it consumed me. It wasn't enough to smoke it. I didn't stay as high as long. I started shooting it. I've started enough IVs, done enough blood work, that it was easy for me to hit the veins.
"I didn't want to sleep anymore. I didn't want to eat anymore. I didn't want to talk to anyone, to spend time with anyone, to do anything at all. Just get high, just numb the pain, the guilt, and the fear. Eventually I ran out of cash… so I did whatever I had to in order to keep the drugs coming. I've… done things I'm not proud of, and I don't want to do it anymore… I don't want to die…" Cristina's voice cracked, and her question was barely audible.
"… Do you hate me?" She began to cry.
Meredith let go of Cristina's hand and wrapped her arms around her best friend.
"Never."
Gonna do the trick, get it over with
You're better off to take all that
You've got and burn it on the spot
Just to get high
Cristina cried for a long time, and Meredith waited patiently, never letting go of her. After what seemed like an eternity, Cristina's violent sobs tapered off into sniffles, and her body was no longer wracked with spasms. She was still shaking, but Meredith knew that was from the beginning of withdrawal. Cristina had done the drugs so steadily over the last few weeks that withdrawal was setting in after only a few hours.
"Cristina, do you want me to call Owen?"
"No. I don't want to go there. I don't want to leave. I'm not safe anywhere…"
Meredith grabbed Cristina's face between her palms and met her eyes. "You are safe. You're safe right here, with me. Nothing is going to happen to you here. I won't let anything happen to you. But we have to tell Owen. He's been worried sick."
Cristina reluctantly agreed, on the condition that she wouldn't have to leave Meredith's house immediately. Meredith, loathe to let her friend out of her sight, quickly assured Cristina that she was welcome to stay as long as she needed to. Soothed, Cristina let Meredith call Owen. Meredith explained to Owen that Cristina was safe, that she would be fine, that Meredith was taking care of her. Owen was still concerned, but he was relieved and grateful that Meredith had found and rescued Cristina. He thanked her profusely and only shut up when Meredith insisted that Cristina needed her.
Tell me what did, where you gone and hid?
Show me what you really want, was it what you got?
Slowly circle in the drain, throw it all away
Just to get high, just to get high
Circle in the drain, throw it all away
Just to get high
Meredith looked Cristina over again, taking in the dark circles under her eyes, the way her bones jutted, and the weary way she held herself. It was heartbreaking, and Meredith knew that she had reached Cristina none too soon. She also knew that as tired as Cristina was, the drugs wouldn't let her sleep… and sleep was something Cristina desperately needed.
"Cristina, I know that you've been through a lot, and I know you're exhausted. I also know that you won't be able to sleep anytime soon. So here's my question: Do you want me to give you something to help you sleep?"
Cristina cocked her head at Meredith as she considered. After a long moment, she pursed her lips and nodded, obviously trying not to quiver. She made her way into the guest bedroom – her room. Meredith, after retrieving a sedative from Derek's bag, followed her. Cristina climbed into the bed and nestled under the soft, warm blankets, sighing in a way that made Meredith wonder how long it had been since Cristina had been safe and warm like this.
She gave her person the injection. It started to take effect almost immediately, and Meredith watched as Cristina's eyelids started to droop closed. She had no idea when the last time Cristina had slept was, and she felt a certain sense of relief that Cristina was finally going to get some much-needed rest.
"Mere?" Cristina's exhaustion was evident in her voice as she asked for her best friend.
"Yeah?"
"Don't go. Please?"
Meredith smiled and smoothed Cristina's hair, then crawled under the blankets next to her. "I'm not leaving until you kick me out."
"Thank you. Thank you for saving me."
Meredith smiled again. "You're my person," was her only reply. But in that simple phrase, she said everything she needed to say, and everything Cristina needed to hear.
Just to get high
Thank you for reading! Reviews greatly appreciated! :D