Crowfeather's Hate

Crowfeather was dreaming. He knew it. He knew it from the moment he opened his eyes and found himself staring at a cat that he deeply loved. She looked sad.

"Feathertail! Don't leave me, not ever again! Don't let me wake up, okay?" Crowfeather gasped. She forced a purr, but Crowfeather could tell that she was sad.

"I was more than okay when you were with Leafpool. She made you happy, and I wanted you to be happy and stop grieving over me more than anything. I didn't want you to forget me; I wanted you to admit your love and be a good, strong warrior." She murmured. "But now… you're with Nightcloud… and you don't even like her." Feathertail's eyes grew even sadder and she lowered her gaze. "Do you even realize how that makes me feel? My heart soared when you were happy with Leafpool, but now my heart has plummeted and shattered." She whispered. Crowfeather shot toward her side and licked her cheek. Feathertail turned away.

"Feathertail, I-I never meant to hurt you. I- I thought you would understand. You seemed oaky with me loving Leafpool," He whispered. Feathertail's eyes shot angry sparks, which was very unlike her, and she faced him nose to nose.

"Don't you dare try to lie to me Crowfeather. I know you still love Leafpool. And I'm okay with that. But don't you dare try to lie to me and pretend that you love Nightcloud." She sighed and blinked, and her gaze turned to the deepest love. "It will still be many moons before we are together forever in StarClan, but try to live your life back in the Clans and be as happy as you can be, my beloved warrior. Live your life to its fullest…" Feathertail's voice faded and Crowfeather's eyes blinked open in the WindClan warriors den.

"Crowfeather!" Kestrelflight called. Crowfeather turned his eyes on the medicine cat. "Will you go collect some wet grass for Nightcloud?" He asked. "Why can't you get an apprentice to do it?" Crowfeather muttered. "For StarClan's sake Crowfeather, she's your mate, and she's just given birth to your only son! If you didn't love her, then why is she in the nursery, caring for your kit?" Kestrelflight spat. Because every cat in WindClan hates me! I have to prove my loyalty you stupid medicine cat!

"Whatever. I'll get the stupid grass if it'll make you happy." Crowfeather mumbled bitterly. He walked away and grabbed tufts of grass in his claws. He carried it to the stream by the border. His heart ached as he neared the spot where he had always met Leafpool. His heart stopped when he saw a sight, a sight that stopped him dead in his tracks. Leafpool, with her sister Squirrelflight. Leafpool gasped in pain. Squirrelflight quickly bent down and licked something. Crowfeather's eyes shot open wide with horror as he realized it was a kit. It was fluffy and black, and had almost the exact shade of fur as him.

"You did it Leafpool! Three healthy kits. But… what will we tell the Clan? And what will you tell Crowfeather?" Crowfeather stiffened as he listened for Leafpool's reply. "We will tell the Clan that you had your kits outside of the camp, and Crowfeather must not know of his kits. " She gasped, fighting for breath. Her eyes rounded with the uttermost sorrow that clawed Crowfeather's heart to shreds. Don't lie to me Crowfeather. I know you still love Leafpool. Crowfeather closed his eyes tightly, fighting away his tears. He ran off, but not before he heard Leafpool say "We can't tell Crowfeather. He doesn't love me anymore, and we aren't together anymore. The fewer cats in on this, the better. Don't even tell Brambleclaw."

"But-"

"No!" Leafpool interrupted. "Not even him. We must keep this a secret." Crowfeather ran blindingly across the moor and flung himself under a bush and buried his head in his paws, trying to fight the agony that clawed in his belly. The fewer cats that know the better. He told himself. He slipped back to the stream, much farther downstream though, and dipped the grass into the water. He carried it back to the camp and laid it in front of Nightcloud. She lapped at it. "Nice of you to finally come see your son." She meowed bitterly.

"I saw him the moment he was born." Crowfeather spat. "And it's been nearly four moons and you haven't even looked at him!" Nightcloud hissed angrily. "So what? I'm here now aren't I?" Crowfeather growled. "Because Kestrelflight forced you! He's paid more attention to Breezekit than you, and you're his father!"

"I never wanted that pitiful scrap of fur you call a kit! I never wanted you! You know that, and I know that you never wanted me! We agreed to be mates because you and I both betrayed the Clan and had to prove our loyalty!" Crowfeather spat and stomped out of the nursery.

Crowfeather raced across the moorland and raced his anger out. He never wanted Breezekit. He never wanted Nightcloud. He wanted Feathertail, or even Leafpool would have been better. But the only thing Nightcloud and he were good at together was arguing. Crowfeather eventually came back to camp, where Breezekit tumbled onto his paw.

"Crowfeather! You're back! Can we play now?" He asked hopefully, looking up at him with bright eyes. He had been asking for moons. Crowfeather shook him off and muttered "No. Not today Breezekit. " He could feel Nightcloud's disapproving eyes follow him to the warriors den. He heard Breezekit whisper to her "Doesn't Crowfeather like me?" Crowfeather blocked out the reply.

Several seasons later…

"What?" Crowfeather cried in mock surprise. His eyes grew dark. "My days with you are over Leafpool. Nightcloud is my mate, and I only have one son, and his name is Breezepelt." He spat. He saw Leafpool lower her gaze. With horror prickling his pelt, he watched her announce the truth and step down from her place as ThunderClan's medicine cat. Crowfeather knew that his son Jayfeather was now the ThunderClan medicine cat. Pride flowed through him, but he did his best to hide it. After the Gathering, he and Nightcloud walked to the forest trees by the ThunderClan border and yelled at each other again.

"How dare you! You had kits with her? And just weeks from having Breezepelt with me? You are as sick as fox dung Crowfeather!"

"I didn't know about the kits!" Crowfeather lied. "Oh really? Well even so, how dare you be proud of him!" She hissed, leaping at him.

"I saw the pride in your eyes when he was named the medicine cat, and when Breezepelt was made a warrior, you barely even paid attention!" Nightcloud pinned him down and angrily raised a paw, claws unsheathed. Crowfeather easily pushed her away while she was unbalanced.

"Stop it Nightcloud! What and who is this helping?" Crowfeather spat. She turned her head away, her eyes shooting angry sparks of flame. She rounded those angry eyes on him unexpectedly.

"If you didn't want to mate with me then why did you? If you hated this so much, why didn't you just accept the way the Clan thought of you and left me alone? We wouldn't be trying to kill each other right now, and Breezepelt wouldn't be here! Is that what you want?" Nightcloud hissed angrily.

"Yes! I never wanted that stupid kit, and I never wanted another mate, and I never wanted any of this!" Crowfeather hissed furiously. He saw ferns tremble and caught a glimpse of dark gray fur. Nightcloud shot him a fierce glare. "Nice one." She growled sarcastically, and ran after their son.

Oh Feathertail. Why can't I be with you instead of her? Crowfeather wondered as he raised his eyes to the Silverpelt. Because, my precious warrior, your quest of life is not yet complete. Feathertail's gentle and patient mew sounded clearly in his head. Crowfeather collapsed to the ground, lying on his side, trying to clear his head. He wished he could just crawl into a hole and die. He wished everything would just disappear. Feathertail! Save me! Save me from it all! Oh please, please! It's my entire fault! I brought that devil cat into this world, I split Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight up, and I even killed my daughter! Save me Feathertail! I need you! Take me away from this!

"My dearest warrior, we cannot be together yet. The cats that live beside the lake need you. You will understand when that dark day comes. Do what I asked you so many moons ago to do. Save the Clans!" Crowfeather's eyes flashed around, searching for his precious love. He hung his head.

"Crowfeather?" An achingly familiar voice sounded surprised. Crowfeather shot his head up. "Leafpool?" He asked. "I'm, I, Crowfeather, I, I'm," Leafpool seemed to be searching for the right words. Crowfeather soothed her.

"It's alright Leafpool. I understand. I know why you kept them a secret. I'm not angry."

"Your not? Surely Nightcloud and Breezepelt are upset. Shouldn't you be mad at me for causing trouble with your family?" Leafpool asked.

"No." He murmured his face close to hers. "I've caused enough trouble on my own. There's no reason to blame you." He whispered.

"Crowfeather… do you really love Nightcloud?" Crowfeather lowered his gaze. He didn't reply, but he welcomed her sweet breath on his fur.

"That doesn't matter." He finally meowed.

"Do you… do you still love me?" Leafpool asked hesitantly.

"Even if I do or even if I don't, it doesn't matter. Our days together are over. We can't be together, and you know that. It's like you said when we separated. Your Clan needs you." Crowfeather replied, scowling at his paws.

"But they don't anymore. I'm no longer the Clan medicine cat. Jayfeather is. I'm going to be a lousy warrior." Leafpool pointed out. "That still doesn't matter. We wouldn't be welcome together in either of our Clans and the other two won't take us in because they aren't mouse-brained enough get in between the two quarreling Clans. And you can't leave Squirrelflight to do this on her own can you?" Crowfeather looked deep into her eyes, and he saw the sadness in them. He looked away. She wanted to run away from it all too. How did I get tangled up in such a mess? Crowfeather thought sadly.

Leafpool closed her eyes tightly and pressed her body against his. She rubbed the top of her muzzle under his chin. "Goodbye Crowfeather." She whispered, and vanished among the undergrowth.

"I come all the way back to get you to apologize to your son, and what do I find? You admitting that you still love her!" Nightcloud's angry screech split the air. Crowfeather flinched. Shut up you annoying grump! Crowfeather spun around, his eyes fuming.

"Shut up Nightcloud! We both hate each other, and yes, I do have more feeling for Leafpool than I do for you. Why? Because she's not lecturing me about every last thing I do wrong!" Crowfeather screamed.

"Well maybe you shouldn't screw up so much you stubborn toad!" Nightcloud hissed. Crowfeather stomped past her. "Where are you going?" Nightcloud growled.

"To go apologize to that demon we call a son." Crowfeather replied bitterly. After his unapologetic apology, Crowfeather stomped back to the camp with his Clan. He blew his breath out angrily. He crawled into his nest that night, his skin scorching under his fur with anger like a ferocious fire. Why can't I just go away? Crowfeather hung his head and let his hatred flow away and drift into sleep. You brought this on yourself, remember that.

"Oh Crowfeather," Feathertail's sweet voice awakened Crowfeather. He looked at her. She looked a bit amused, but was trying to be stern.

"I know how hard it is for you. It's like you've tangled yourself in a huge bramble bush and just can't seem to get out." She sighed.

"You have no idea." Crowfeather sighed. He was more than happy to leave his argument with Nightcloud in the waking world and drown in Feathertail's blue gaze.

"I know you're struggling to make things work with your mate and kit. It hurts me to see you so angry and hurt all the time." Feathertail sighed, wounding herself around him. Crowfeather purred loudly.

"Please, my precious warrior, try. You can work things out with Nightcloud, I know you can. You two might not be the most compatible pair, but it is possible to cope with it." She murmured in his ear. Crowfeather sighed again.

"What is so important that keeps me from being with you? Do you know how often I'm tempted to run in front of a dog, or to just let a fox take me?" He closed his eyes tightly.

"I would endure the most horrible pain if it would carry me to you." He whispered.

"Oh my Crowfeather, I know you would. Never have I doubted your love. But trust me, not just your Clan will need you on the Darkest Day." Feathertail voice began to fade.

"No! No please, Feathertail, don't send me back! I don't want to go!" Crowfeather cried as she began to disappear.

"Oh my precious, you have the strength to endure anything. You can cope with your mate." Feathertail's voice spoke in his head, a bit teasingly towards the end.