This is my first try at a fanfic and it is dedicated to my favorite author here, Burntcore.

Prelude

I obviously stopped counting the nights i spent eyes wide open , 4 months ago. I have always been the one with some sleeping problems as long as i knew , but i never considered myself an insomniac. Before. Now I'm seriously considering it. The thing is i don't really feel worn out or tired during the day. But when i place myself on this huge bed -which used to be a happy place for me - all of the exhaustion come creeping on me. Once again i find my mind too busy with the images i collected through the day. And dammit i can't even control the images. It would be a lot better if my mind stopped showing me the most unpleasant things. If my mind were a jukebox and the memories were records, some of them would be burned to ashes by now, but I'm not that lucky.

As soon as i realized tonight-or should i say today- won't turn out as an exception , i sat on the bed and set my food on the ground, placed my both hands at my side- bad thing about insomnia it keeps you dizzy through the night- then i combed my hair with my hands. even before i realize i found myself erect before the bed. Walked the room to the window walls, i placed both my hands on the cold glass. There was a fire in me and i hoped it would help me ,but trying to put up a fire inside with a cold thing doesn't really help. Music would really help at this moment but the stereo was on the other side of the apartment. And i really didn't want to wake him.

I started observing the street beneath me. Everything seemed so small from this height. and i guessed almost everyone i knew was asleep at this hour. I got closer and closer until my nose hit the glass. I was too unaware of the physical world around me when images started floating before my eyes again ,then a dog barked and then another. It caught me off-guard that i almost screamed. If someone was watching me behind my back that someone could think that I'm afraid of my own reflection on the window.

It was before i felt his breath along my neck, he carried my hair there to my other shoulder, and wandered his index finger around the spot where my shoulder and my neck meets. He traced the line along my collarbones with feather light kisses and to end this symphony ,he planted a final kiss on my shoulder. All i could do was to watch his face when he's doing all of these through the reflection. But i didn't fight when he pulled my nightgown down with his teeth, one strap at a time. Now the only thing was holding it there was my breasts and with a quick touch it can go all the way and he knew it.

-Stop!

-No, don't stop, please don't!

- I need to tell you something!

- No, you feel so good in everywhere you touch.

- Enough!

- Why is your skin always this warm?

-Could you hate me if i teold you the truth?

All these sentences were stuck between my lips and he was keeping them too busy to talk. What i thought in that 3 or 4 minutes was almost a battlefield of my thoughts. I wanted him to stop right there and call me every bad name in every language ,that i deserved , I needed him to say those to curse me ,to free himself of the burden that i created. I needed him to say that i don't deserve noone in this world , don't deserve to be loved by a good man like him- probably the best i knew- that I'm only a piece of rancid meat and have no respect of other people's lives, that i almost ruined his ,too. And after that order me to leave this apartment in that exact moment. I imagined him throwing my stuff out of the window , they'd be flying everywhere til they reach the ground from 25th floor. But i couldn' imagine his face angry with me .

But another side of me - which i have too many- wanted him to never stop holding me like this and heal me again in his own way. Like he always did without even a clue of who wounded me this time. He never knew what hurt me so much that some nights i curl into a ball on the bed and won't stiffen until he held me in his embrace and whispered sweet things to my ear. I loved him in my own way , an he loved in every way possible without asking questions ,without capturing me. I always wondered if he knew my ways, if he knew that my body didn't belong to him in the regular way ,that i shared it with strangers almost every night , only because of an obsession that my mind created after a huge depression.

This side of me wanted him to keep what he's doing , hold me in his steel hard embrace , carry me to bed, and make love to me until i forget these things and in the ways that i only let him do.

I don't know which side of me conquered another but i kept my position and he took that as a yes as i felt his breath accelerate. His hands were moving down on my back in an almost musical way , he danced around my spine and took my nightgown with him as he moved down. He was never been the one to rip the clothes on me so he left it resting on my hips. He curled his hands around my waist this time tighter and held me close to him as my bare chest touching his smoldering skin. Then he took all the strands on my face and tucked them behind my ears to see me clearly but i couldn't look him in the eye. As i started o turn my head he placed his lips on mine in an almost urgent way and sent the gown to the floor with quick movement, then he cupped my hips lifted me and curled my legs around his waist.

He needed me to heal, he needed me to be at least OK, he didn't want to see me in that hole again. He needed me to be complete and i wanted him to do that.

The only thing between our skins was my panties so he removed it as the first thing as he carried us to the bed. Now his tongue was melting all my sour thoughts for another night and all i could think of was to respond him in moans.

Tonight he would completely heal me , tonight he would make me sleep again and tomorrow i won't cheat on him again.

I felt the glass jar that contains my sanity shatter and the with the white material in it started to destroy the insanity around , started to heal me in grey tones. It was when he made us one with him inside me and kissing me on all the places that keeps a door to my true soul. After it ended with both of our releases, he placed me on his chest and i hitched my leg around him.

Then the poisonous words came out.

- I cheated on you, Jake.

I don't own neither Jake nor Bella nor Edward they all are fruits of Stephenie Meyer's incredible mind.