Sam and Dean visit a Roadkill BBQ, where Sam gets sick from the opossum and Dean discovers that nothing is sweeter than the taste of victory.
Dean had seen the ad in the local paper and knew exactly where he was headed. For lunch. His baby brother on the other hand, Sam, sat blissfully ignorant and for once quiet in the passenger seat of their black '67 Impala, staring at the scenery flying by.
"It's almost lunch time Sammy."
"It's Sam, you jerk, and thank you captain obvious."
"Bitch. I know it is time to feed the baby when he starts getting fussy."
"Yeah, whatever." Sam trails off. Round one to Dean.
"So did you have any ideas where we are dining this fine spring afternoon?"
"Yeah, the place is just up ahead."
"Just promise me it is not another greasy diner. I don't think my stomach could take another greasy diner lunch. You see, there are these things you may have heard of called vegetables."
"Yeah and the greatest of those is French fries." Dean replies as he licks him lips in anticipation of some "down-home" cooking.
"Potatoes fried in oil should not be considered vegetables. I was speaking of leafy green vegetables, lettuce, spinach, brussel sprouts, hell, even peas."
"Ummmmm, peas and applesauce, with thick-cut battered and pan-fried pork chops smothered in gravy, Ummmmmm." And Sam swears he sees drool trickle out of the corner of Dean's mouth.
"You are just disgusting."
"…"
"So finally, you agree with me?"
"Dean?"
"Uh, yeah, Sammy?"
"What the hell is wrong with you? We were just having a conversation and you stop talking to me. Is this one of your head playing games or what?"
"Nah, I was just thinking about lunch."
"Space much?"
"Dude, we're here!"
Sam looks over and sees a large hay field turned into a parking lot. He sees lots of pick-up trucks and old beat up cars. Several heads turn to check out the classic muscle car as it pulls into the field and parks at the far end of a row, away from all the beat up old clunkers. Just because their cars are crap doesn't mean that Dean isn't going out of his way to protect his baby.
"Dean, where are we?"
"Sammy, you ready for some good ole' down-home country-cooking?"
"Huh, sounds good, how did you hear about this place?"
"I saw an ad in the paper when we were researching for a new case. Figured I would surprise you rather then tell you about it. Why don't you go grab us a spot at one of the picnic tables over there and I will grab the food."
"Ok, sounds good." And Sam wonders off and cops a squat at a red picnic table facing the hordes of people in line around the food stands. Dean just hopes his brothers' 20/20 vision doesn't extend to reading the menu signs displayed on the outside of each booth.
Dean gets up to the head of the line and orders 2 mountain man specials, complete with large foaming cups of bear. He is rewarded by the ringing of a bell and yelling out of their order for all to hear.
"If you eat everything on the plates, your meals are free, otherwise your pictures go on our Wall of Shame" says the lovely middle age woman in the food booth. Her nametag says Shirley.
"That sounds reasonable, Shirley." Dean agrees and gives her his most flattering smile.
"Okay, you get a choice of 3 kinds of meat, 2 veggies and either biscuits or cornbread. I can suggest some combinations if you are interested?"
"What is the strangest combination you have?" Dean asks Shirley.
"That would be our Wildman combo – Opossum, Squirrel, and Rabbit."
"Sounds great, my brother will love it, let me get one of those with collard greens, green beans, and a biscuit. I will have the Mildman combo (Beef, Chicken, and Pig) with home-fried potatoes, onion rings and corn bread."
After waiting only a few minutes, Dean was presented with two very large trays each containing a generous size portion of the three different meats, veggies, bread and 2 massive cups of beer.
He headed over to the table and sat the food down in front of Sam.
"Dean, I said I was hungry not getting ready to hibernate for the winter."
"Dude, just shut up and eat."
"What is this?" Sam says as he points at the 3 different meats.
"It's meat you idiot, I thought you, college geek boy, would know meat when you saw it."
"Dean," Sam said through gritted teeth, "I know it is meat, I was asking what kinds of meat? You jerk-wad."
"It's beef, chicken, and pork. Can't you recognize simple foods Sammy?"
"Damnit Dean, it's Sam, I am no longer a chubby 12 year old, so stop calling me Sammy."
"Sammy dude, just eat your food before it gets cold. Notice that I did get you some "green" vegetables."
"Yeah, thank god for small favors." Sam replies as he starts to dig into the Opossum which looks like chicken in BBQ sauce.
Dean also digs into his food and it's surprisingly good. After a couple of bites, Sam looks up and says, "Dean this chicken tastes funny."
"Dude, it's probably the BBQ sauce that tastes like that. I wouldn't worry about it."
Sam wrinkles his nose but never the less, continues to eat, this time moving on to the Squirrel. "I don't know what the farmers fed there livestock, but even this cow tastes off to me."
"Get your panties out of a bunch Sammy boy, maybe you are coming down with something and everything tastes off to you."
"I guess that could be, my stomach doesn't feel so well. But at least the vegetables are good."
Dean stifles a laugh while looking at a slowly turning green Sammy.
"Uh-O . . ."
"And he's off." Dean finally breaks out as Sam immediately jumps up and heads to the nearest Port-A-Potty looking greener than Dean ever thought his baby brother could look. He feels half bad for the kid, but considering the little prank he pulled on Dean and his baby, he is lucky he got off this easy.
After several minutes, during which Dean continues to eat his delicious food, and several strange looks from people passing the Port-A-Potties, he looks up to see a very pale looking Sammy slowly emerging from one and heading back to the table.
"Oh my God, Dean, I don't know what is in the food, but for goodness sakes, how can you continue to eat it?"
"It's scrumptious Sammy my green girly man." Dean teases. "What is wrong with you, don't you like Opossum, Squirrel, and Rabbit?"
"WHAT? What did you say? Please repeat yourself because I know I didn't hear you correctly. You fed me Opossum, Squirrel, and Rabbit? WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. WRONG. WITH. YOU??" Sam practically screams at his brother.
"You heard me right baby boy, I fed you the Wildman combo of Opossum, Squirrel, and Rabbit, here at the 12th Annual Roadkill BBQ. Now I would call us square you little bitch, after what you did to my car. You are lucky all I did was feed you a little wild animal and not feed you up to one."
If possible Sam looks even a paler shade of green and gives Dean an unreadable look.
"Oh, so now we are even are we? We'll see about that brother. You called down the thunder, now prepare to face it. Besides, how can you eat all that wild game anyways?"
"Mine is the Mildman combo of Beef, Chicken, and Pig. And it's real tasty too." Dean says while grinning around another large mouthful of chicken and cornbread.
The End