Wow, my first Loud House fan fiction that's not a parody of other people's Loud House fan fictions. Warning: This will obviously have some crude humor in it. Luan has gone off the leash, and will be telling some jokes you can't tell yo' mama.
Sorry for any typos!
Please enjoy a side of Luan you've never seen before. (No Loudcest, of course)
It was a Saturday afternoon at the Loud House, a time to unwind from the tangles of school stress and attempt to enjoy the temporary freedom received. However, this Saturday was special. For the first time since as long as anyone could remember, over half the Loud residents were absent this Saturday, leaving only the five eldest Loud sisters.
Four out of the five were in the living room, taking advantage of the increased couch space. Well, Luna and Lynn were. Lori and Leni were on their feet, in the midst of another argument.
"Leni, you can't just change the channel in the middle of my show! That was my favorite episode of 'Parks and Recreation'! God, you can be such a pill!" Lori shouted at the sister closest to her age as the two played tug-of-war with the remote. The eldest sister yanked the remote towards her.
"Oh yeah? Well I wear a bigger bra than you!" Leni shot back, yanking the remote harder.
Luna and Lynn 'OOOOOOOOH'-ed at the comeback, both more invested in their fight than the actual show.
Lori shot a glare at the snickering Luna Loud, "You should be the last one laughing, pancake!" Yes, it was unusual for the Loud sisters to be screaming about bras right in the TV room. In fact, most of the Louds were shy about their bodies, and only talked about it privately. However, with the little ones gone, their topics of discussion had expanded. Luna stood up, and hissed with clenched fists, "You're a butthole!"
The other three stared at her, confused. Luna blinked, "O-Oh. Sorry, I forgot the little 'uns weren't here. What I meant to say was, you're a bi-"
"Hello, lady-gents!" Luan strutted into the room, a smug smile plastered on her braced face. The teenagers paused their quarrel and simultaneously groaned at her presence.
"You wanna hear my new-"
"NO!" The foursome interjected.
Luan tisked, "Fine. I knew you guys would say that. I'm sure Lincoln will want to hear my new joke."
"He's at the movies with his buck-toothed friend." Luna deadpanned. She threw herself back onto the couch after giving Lori a dirty look for her previous comment. Lori paid no mind, still trying to wrestle the remote out of Leni's hands.
Luan shrugged, "He probably wouldn't get it anyways. Lucy would love-"
"She's at the library," Lori explained. She let go of the remote, causing Leni to fling backwards onto the ground. Leni yelped as she hit the carpet below her, but was satisfied with the possession of the remote control.
"With Lisa," Lynn continued, snickering and pointing at Leni for her massive tumble. She stuck her tongue out at Lori, earning rolled eyes as a response.
Luan's face fell, she noticed she was running out of sisters " Lana-"
"- is at the park with mom," Leni explained, using the arm of the couch to pull herself back up.
"With Lola," Lori finished.
Luan slumped her shoulders, "Aw man, it's just the teens that are left," she said, disappointed. Suddenly, Luan's eyes lit up, and she straightened her posture. "It's just the teens that are left," Luan repeated, rubbing her hands together slyly as she chuckled, "Do you know what this means?"
"That we can finally binge-watch 'Parks and Recreation' on the big T.V, without having the worry about Mom and Dad turning it off for it being 'too inappropriate for the younger kids'?" Lynn guessed. She knew her guess was a long shot, she just wanted to get back to watching 'Parks and Recs.'
"Nope, even better!" Luan was jumping in place now, a big braced smile stretched across her face.
"What? Tell us!" Leni urged.
"Remember that time when the Louds drove in two separate cars to that resort, and me, Lori, Luna, and Leni were all in one car. And I did my PG-13 stand-up routine?" Luan raised her eyebrows up and down suggestively. The edge of her mouth was turned upwards, forming a small smirk as she gazed at the present siblings. Luna and Lori looked at each other and shared a sly Grinch-like smile.
"Ah, I see what you're puttin' down little dude," Luna smirked, raising her eyebrows up and down, "The dirty jokes."
"Woah!" Lynn's attention was grabbed by their conversation, "Luan, you tell dirty jokes?!" Her four older sisters gasped in surprise and snapped their heads to look at her, just realizing their sporty sis was present. Once they got over the shock, their expressions quickly morphed into disappointment.
"Aw man, we can't do this in front of Lil' Lynn," Lori's shoulders slumped at the sight of her.
Leni nodded her head, "Yeah, she's like, six!"
"I'M THIRTEEN!" Lynn balled her fists, her face flushed. 'You're lucky you're my sister' Lynn internally hissed.
Luan sighed, "Well, never mind. I'll just tell you guys my tame joke about the giraffe that was afraid of heights-"
"PLEASE!" Lynn begged, "You said PG-13, I am thirteen! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!"
Luan winced with uncertainty, "I don't know...My jokes to go a little above pg-thirteen mark at some points..." Luan was conflicted. She loved showing her dirty sense of humor to her older siblings, but she never revealed that side of herself to a younger sibling.
"PLEASE!"
"Okay, sure! I don't see the harm." Luan shrugged, giving her little sis a smile. Lynn was beyond excited, her approval proved that Luan trusted her. She swiped a look at the rest of her present siblings, waiting for someone else to protest. After a moment, Lynn grinned. She wasn't hearing a no from anyone else...PERFECT! Leni turned off the television and Luan stood in front of it. The remaining four sat on the couch, sitting oldest to youngest from left to right.
Luan cleared her throat, "Let's start simple. What did the 'O' say to the 'Q'?"
"WHAT?!" Lynn asked, a little too excited.
"He said, 'dude, your dick's hanging out!' HAHAHAHA!" The comedian slapped her knee. Luna let out a little snicker, but quickly got over it as she reached under the couch and pulled out a violet ukulele. Lori scoffed, the joke not meeting her tastes. Poor Leni tilted her head in confusion, which made sense, Lynn couldn't say for sure if Leni knew the difference between an 'O' and 'Q'. But Lynn was cracking up, she clutched her stomach, bending over. Luan pointed at her sporty sister, "Thank you, thank you very much!"
"Oh, please. I've literally heard six year olds make jokes more crude! You're lucky I'm even letting you do this, so get to some good ones!" Lori urged on.
"Oh relax, Lori, just keeping it tame for the little one," Luan gestured at Lynn.
Lynn crossed her arms, "I can take it! Come on, you're only one year older than me. I'm in the PG-13 squad, don't treat me like a baby!"
"I don't get it," Leni blinked.
Luan winked at her little sister, "Alright, whatever you say, sporty." Luan pointed at her rock-loving-big sis, "You're gonna like this one! Okay...Why did the guitar teacher get put in jail?" Luna shrugged.
"Because he was fingering a minor! AAHAHAHAHHA! Get it? Get it?"
Luna, Lori, and Lynn laughed, Lynn laughing that hardest out of them all. Lynn didn't know Luan had this side to her, and it came as a pleasant surprise. The tomboy prayed all 6 of her younger siblings would get out of the house more often if it meant more dirty jokes!
"Why does Santa have such a large sack?" Luan began, leaning towards her scarce audience, "He only comes once a year!"
The sporty girl didn't exactly get the joke, but after glancing at her cackling sisters she figured it must've been hysterical. Lynn had never seen them laugh so hard at Luan's comedy, it was almost scary. In order to blend in, Lynn let out a little chuckle, her brain still contemplating what she had said. Luan's face lit up, Lynn could tell she had been wanting to get these jokes off her a very long time. As if reading her mind, Luna asked, "Aren't you so siked to finally get these racy jokes off your chest?"
"YES! DEFINITELY! ABSOLUTELY!" Luan yelled, a little too loudly, "FOR EVERY KID-FRIENDLY PUN I EVER MADE, THERE'S ALWAYS A DIRTIER ONE HIDDEN BENEATH! HEY LORI," she pointed at her oldest sister, "THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN EGG AND YOU, IS THAT AN EGG CAN GET LAID, AND YOU CAN'T! HAHAHAHAHAH!"
Luna, Lynn, and even Leni roared with laughter, pointing and taunting Lori as she crossed her arms.
"I am literally the only one here with a boyfriend, why was that joke directed at me?" Lori responded dryly, though a little smirk traced on her face.
Luan held up an imaginary microphone, "What do you call two jalapeños getting it on? Fucking hot!"
Leni gasped, "Watch your language! There are little ones here...oh wait, they're gone!"
Luna rolled her eyes, "Okay, this was fun or whatever, but I'm tapping out. Rock on, dudes." She leaned forwards, as if to get up, but froze as soon as Luan opened her mouth.
Luan leaned towards the Mick Swagger fan, "Hmmmm, that's weird," The comedian clutched her stomach like she was in pain, "I think I might be a little bit constipated, cause I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! HAHA! GET IT?"
Radio silence.
"Oh cm'on! That was kinda funny!" Luan whined, defending herself.
"No, it wasn't. But look," Lynn stood up on the cushion, "I've heard a bunch of dirty jokes, and I didn't catch on fire and die! See, I can handle it. I'm a teenager now, I'm cool!"
"That's debatable," Luna said, rolling her eyes at Lynn.
Lynn leaned towards Luna's freckled face, "Spreading negativity, huh? As long as you've found something else to spread besides your legs!"
"OH SNAP!" Luan roared with laughter, giving Lynn a high five as the two cackled. The two only had a few seconds to laugh before Luna pushed Lynn off the couch and went upstairs.
After a few more terrible, but deliciously dirty jokes, Lori was fed up aswell.
"It was funny at first, but now I'm over it." Lori stood up and walked to the kitchen. The comedian shrugged and smiled at the last two family members standing. Luan frantically scanned the room, quickly trying to detect a good dirty joke when her gaze paused on Leni twirling her hair between her fingers.
Luan chuckled, "What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can stick three fingers inside-"
Leni stood up, clenching her fists. "WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT BOWLING IN THIS HOUSE!" Leni erupted. Luan and Lynn looked at their older sister, tilting their heads in confusion at her sudden outburst. Even Lori stuck her head out of the kitchen to see what the problem was.
Leni exhaled slowly, "Sorry for yelling, but bowling shoes are so tacky. Ugh, I, like, can't even. I'm gonna go cool off!"
Leni scurried upstairs, and Lori returned to the kitchen, leaving the two brunettes alone in the living room. Luan and Lynn shared a confused look, before shrugging.
"Looks like you're the only one left!" Luan winked at her younger sibling.
Lynn shot up, "See! I told you I could handle it! I'm the last one standing. Guess you were wrong about me being unable to take your crude jokes, huh?" Luan let out a contagious chuckle, "Guess you were right little sis! I'm impressed. You truly are a part of the cool 'big kid squad!'"
Luan wrapped her arm around the brunette, "Glad I have someone else to share these jokes with. Congratulations, you're officially mature!"
After a few hours, the Louds all returned home for dinner.
Throughout dinner, the five oldest Loud siblings tossed each other sly looks, erupting in small giggles after locking eyes. Luan was the most giggly at the table, she felt like she had taken quite a load off. However, after the dirty-joke session, Luan's mind was festering with more and more dirty jokes. As Lisa lisped about her recent studies, Luan dug through her mind, looking for the dirtiest jokes she could find. She shrunk in her seat, maybe that dirty joke session wasn't a good idea. Once she started, she couldn't stop.
"I got the succotash!" Lynn Sr announced, coming in with a steaming hot tray.
"We should save some of that for later. My recent calculations have proven to me that there is a sixty percent chance of a hurricane coming to this part of town," Lisa announced.
Without missing a beat, Luan erupted, "What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?"
The Louds turned towards her.
"'BETTER HOLD ONTO YOUR NUTS, THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE HELL OF A BLOWJOB!'"
Everyone at the tables' mouths dropped.
Lynn Sr. dropped his tray of steaming succotash onto the floor, the tray breaking into tiny pieces.
Luan clasped her hands over her mouth.
I am so sorry you had to read that. But this was in my docs for MONTHS and I wanted to finish it.
I honestly feel like Luan pulls stuff like this when the younger ones aren't around. I hope you liked it. But if you didn't like it, I guess your humor is more mature than mine :D
Bye!
Once again, I'm sorry you had to read that.