How to save a life

by Rainbrat

It took five Angels to show Shizuka why she was slowly losing her mind. And to show her that the damned can't be saved.

This story revolves around the five stages of grief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I'm sorry if the characters are a little OOC I just figured Death would bring out the worst in them.

--

"Shizuka" My brother murmurs softly at my side, face shadowed as rough palms take soft ones in their own. "I don't think you want to see this"

-Denial-

Freeing myself from his grip, I take one unsteady step forward. Subconsciously I feel my index finer work itself against my temple at a worried pace. It gets worse as the procession jolts forward and I am lost in the mourning crowd, shoved against my will towards the front of the church.

Standing in front of the alter, staring down at the richly furbished stone on which the amber box has been laid out on, I'm not sure what to do. I can feel my temples begin to sting, still rubbing the spot anxiously. I grab my rosemary beads, playing nervously with those before my hand wanders bake to my temple.

Anzu gives a choked sob beside me, hiding her face in her handkerchief as Jounouchi drapes one arm over her shoulders and the procession stops. I hear his comforting words float through the room and my eyes wonder across the beautifully lit church, hazel orbs tracing the intricate stained glass windows up and down.

I return my gaze to the coffin, and back up towards the statue of Christ hanging from the cross, observing the nails that hang him in place warily. Why did he do it? Did he love us that much? I don't think I would have.

I freeze, eyes shooting back towards the coffin. The man has been watching me for some time, seated on top of the polished amber surface, one leather clad arm leaning against his leg, and grinning and revealing pointed pearl fangs. His eyes dance with delight as I take notice of him. How disrespectful. Sitting on another's coffin like that. He should be escorted off the premise immediately.

But nobody says a word as the procession picks up its slow steady pace once more and I feel myself gliding towards the alter. Now he's beckoning to me with one finger, grinning slyly as I'm pushed closer. "Hey little girl, wouldn't you like to see something strange?"

We arrive at the coffin and Jounouchi grimly motions to an elderly priest who is attending the funeral. The crowd holds its breath as the coffin lid is slowly opened, but my eyes are fixed on the strange man. He doesn't move, still smiling and the lid quite literally slams right through him. I take a good look at his hair, the sandy spikes sticking straight up, a yellow strand hanging over his eyes.

I take a deep breath and look into the coffin. It's empty as I suspected. Just crimson lining. I don't understand as a blonde woman gives a sob next to me. Why weep over an empty coffin?

"Oh, I don't think its empty" The strange man is talking to me again, pushing himself off the casket and striding up to me, fingers pushing my cool chin up to look into his burning eyes. "Take a good look Shizuka Kawai"

"Why" I challenge. "It's empty. Any minute he'll walk through that door and we'll find out it was all a big mistake. I know it"

"He's dead Shizuka. I'm sorry, it's that way things work" He sighs, but the coffin is still empty. "He died for you Shizuka. But you wouldn't have died for him, would you?"

"You're lying," I hiss and Jounouchi gives me a startled look as I reach to slap the figure. He catches my hand in his own, observing the blood stained fingernails with interest. "My dear girl, you've been mutilating yourself. Surely this is not the action of somebody who has nothing to cry about"

"What would you know?" I snarl and I see Jounouchi begin to walk over to me. "You're not real"

"Take a good look" The crimson-eyed man steps away, revealing the coffin behind him. I give a small scream of fright and jump back, staring at the figure lying in the coffin. "No, no it's not real! It's Honda damnit! He should be there! Not me, I'm not dead"

The tears arrive before I can stop them, seeing my pale figure lying in the red silk of the coffin, eyes closed and hands resting peacefully on my chest. Jounouchi reaches for me, but I shove him out of the way, fighting against the crowd of people, feeling them grab a hold of me, drowning me in the masses of bodies, as I tear, push and fight my way out.

I'm pelting down the aisle, hearing the voices call after me and the mans voice, Denial as I later learned pulse through my head.

"He died for you Shizuka. You wouldn't have died for him"

I break into uncontrollable sobs, slamming my head against the stone tablet, auburn strands falling over my eyes. How dare you leave me Honda! I loved you like a brother. Hell, Otogi and I could have been just friends if it brings you back. You selfish bastard! I hate you! I'm glad you're gone. Otogi, and me we'll have it all, just you wait and see. He'll have the life you could have only dreamed of.

"Such a sweet child, making my job easy for me are you?" A mocking voice pierces the freezing afternoon are, shadows swirling around me, crimson eyes staring down at me. My hand moves on its own, the flick knife shoot out, pointed out into the dimming light pouring down onto the cemetery. "Leave me alone"

"Show some respect mortal!" The voice booms and I straighten, hazel eyes blearily peering out into the cemetery. I can see nothing but shadows, my head spinning. "Well then"

I jump, feeling hands attack my shoulder, shoving me into the ground, fighting desperately as the ground rises up to meet me. "If you wont respect me, you'll learn to fear me girl! Now get onto your knees"

"Who are you?" I speak without fear, only anger as I feel my fists clench into balls, the knife kicked aside, snarling and fighting against the hands that wish to subdue me. I feel darkness swirl around my knees, pulling them out from under me and slamming the joint into the ground, making me wince as I am pulled into a kneeling position, my head bent forcefully towards the ground. I fight the force, feeling blood trickle from the corners of my mouth.

I can hear the ringing of feet against the hard dirt, my heart pounding in my head as I see a young man stride out in front of me, bending and pulling my head up to meet his gaze by my hair. I glare up into crimson eyes, the mans hair a snowy white color falling down to his thin shoulders, his striped tee shirt rippling in the wind.

"Good girl" He smirks and I resist the urge to yell something vulgar at him as he cocks his head to one side, tracing my cheekbone with his thumb. "Seems you've found your place?"

"Who are you?" I snap, shaking my head from side to side, trying in vain to free my hair from his hand. He wrenches it up tighter and I spit into his face "Are you like that other man inside? That tanned one? What do you want with me?"

"I'm an angel" He replies, smirking and I laugh shrilly, my voice lost in the wind. "A little underdressed for an angel, don't you think?"

"Believe me, you little girls have far to much blood in those tiny little stick figure bodies of yours to even consider wearing white" My tone becomes softer, facing my head back down towards the ground. "Is that what you're here to do? Kill me?"

He laughs and releases my head and I scramble back, pressing my back against the gravestone as he finishes, grinning evilly down onto me. "No, but I could if you like. Though that wouldn't help much"

"And why not?" I whisper and he drops to his knees, voice cruel in the rapidly approaching darkness. "Because, Honda dearest went to hell"

I freeze, feeling the darkness close in around me. "What are you talking about?"

"Honda" He stands again, holding up his palms and smiling. "Killed himself Shizuka. So he goes to hell"

"Stop it!" I cry out, jumping to my feet. "Honda did not kill himself! How can you say something like that?"

He shrugs. "He ran into save you Shizuka, from the burning building. He ran into save you because you meant the world to him, knowing you wouldn't have done the same for him. He walked straight into his doom"

"Why are you doing this?" I ask, my voice soft in the dim light. He rolls his eyes. "Must you mortals be so pathetic? He got knocked out after clearing a path for you. And like the good little girl you are, you chose to drag you fiancé out of the wreck first, leaving Honda to be burned alive"

"It didn't happen like that!" My voice shakes, threatening to break, tearing at my hair in desperation as he continues. "Such a waste. Honda risked his life to save you. That's how much he loved you. Too bad you didn't love him enough to save him"

-Anger-

My fist slams into his stomach and he stares down at it unconcerned as it flies through him, again and again, standing undisturbed in the midst of a torrent of fists. "Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Of course I would have saved Honda! I panicked, his foot was stuck under the rubble, and I couldn't pull him out!"

"Is that what you tell yourself before you go to bed every night" He takes my fists in his own, shoving them aside roughly, jerking my arms to the side. "You wouldn't have given up your life to save his Shizuka Kawai. And for that, only hell awaits you"

"I did nothing wrong!" I shriek, falling to my knees. My arms wrap around my sides, my body shaking like a leaf as he cackles into the night. The tears are running freely now and I make no attempt to stop the azure liquids flow. "Why, why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?"

The man shrugs; turning and leaving me crouched in the middle of the dim cemetery, his voice lingering in the haunted atmosphere. "If you think that Kawai, then you really are doomed"

"Come back!" I yell after him, my knees shaky as I use to gravestone to leverage my way up off the ground. "Don't leave me here on my own! Don't you abandon me too!"?

He stops, turning slowly to face him, crimson eyes holding no trace of previous amusement. "You have done this to yourself Shizuka. You are damned for eternity. I'll be back for you soon; back to watch you spend an eternity in hell. Have a nice life"

I sink back onto the hard stone, defeated as he walks into the shadows. My head is swimming from my conversation with the shadowed man, the tears drying slowly onto my face. Overhead the moon is beginning to appear I can hear singing erupt from the church and I expect that the eulogy shall finish soon. Is nobody missing me? Have they forgotten about the insane little girl already?

'I'm not insane' I tell myself as I wipe my eyes furiously. They're all real, the Egyptian and the albino and the coffin. I couldn't have made that up. Why is everything weird here? The sky in the cemetery is now a purplish mist, which has been rapidly setting down upon me since my arrival. Where is Katsuya? Does he think I'm mad to?

"You aren't made, Shizuka Kawai" I whirl around, jumping back as a pale figure slowly treads with care through the mist up to the grave stone I'm leaning against, his hair spiked and in three different colors. It's sad to say, but had I not been in this position I would have mistake him for somebody with a bondage fetish.

"At least, not any madder then the rest of us" He smiles gently as I crawl back, auburn strands falling over my face. "W-who are you?" I croak, closing my eyes. "Are you like the rest of them? Please, I'm sorry! Just leave me alone"

I blink in confusion, feeling his gentle hand rest on my knee and open my eyes, staring into his kind Amethyst ones. "It's ok Shizuka," He says softly. "I'm not here to hurt you"

"Go away" I hiss, shielding my head with arms incase another blow falls. It doesn't and bravely I peek out at the tri-colored haired man. "What do you want from me? Why are you doing this? What have I done?"

He shakes his head, hair flopping from side to side. "It doesn't work like that I'm afraid. I'm just here to make this ordeal easier for you"

I blink. "What are you talking about? I'm fine! I don't need your help. I just need to get on with my life, I'll get by if I have Katsuya with me"

The man laughs softly, patting the top of my head, no doubt oblivious to how much this action is agitating me. "But that's what I'm here to help you with Shizuka. Seeing after you left Honda to burn alive, it's the least I can do-"

"S-stop it!" My voice cracks and I strain, desperate to stop the tears. "Are you here to lecture me about Honda's death? What would you have done? Otogi was my fiancé! How can you hate me for loving somebody more!"

"Honda's death is something you will always have to live with" I stand quickly, turning away from the man now sitting cross-legged on the ground. "I know what it is that you want" I spin around, eyes shining with tears. "Kill me!"

-Bargaining-

He blinks. "Uh, you're a bit off there" I shake my head, pleading silently with his firm features. "Trade my life for his! I want to die!" The man laughs, not cruelly like the one before him, his soft voice tinkering across the cemetery. "I'm sorry Shizuka, it doesn't work like that"

"I'll do anything!" I cut in, dropping to my knees in front of the man. "I'll do anything I can, just let Honda live!"

He shakes his head and I feel my heart take residence in the pit of my stomach. "You can't bring the dead back from the afterlife Shizuka. You didn't love him more then you loved Otogi. That's ok, it's just something you have to deal with!"

"Why keep my alive?" I fall into a defeated pile, tearing at my hair, hazel eyes building in their sockets. "Look at me! I'm a monster. I instigate, I'm a mutilator, I have all this rage and I'm never like this! Today I punched a man over and over! Why would I do that" I look up, eyes wet. "What have I done?"

"Well if it's any consolation" The man softly pushes my head back up to face him. "The guy you punched was an asshole. Death changes everyone Shizuka. Even the kindest of hearts feel its burden"

"No it's not ok" I reply softly, the wind catching my hair and tossing it deftly into the night sky, shrouding my face. "I hate violence. I hate anger. Anger tears you apart from the inside. I can't do this!" I hear the man get up beside me, taking my hand in his own. "Did you, did you love him Shizuka?"

"It doesn't matter, does it?" I whisper. "If I loved him or not. I didn't love him enough to save him until he was gone. Maybe that was what I was trying to say all along. But I chose Otogi. So that's why you must use all your power, and take my life and give Honda back his"

"Think Shizuka" Yami reaches and softly takes my purse from my hands, flipping it open and showing me my favorite picture of all, the one with Katsuya and I standing on the water front, the shadows cutting across his face, his hands shoved moodily into his pockets and ice-cream stains running down his front. My arms thrown around his middle and I can see the flicker of a smile captured on the camera. "What you will be leaving behind"

"You can have it," I tell him coldly "You can have their grief, their despair, my life. I'll give you it all. In return, give Honda his life back"

I feel the mans cool hand over my heart, feel him release my hand and begin to turn. "Honda is alive Shizuka. Right here"

"That isn't good enough!" My voice rings in despair across the cemetery and the man laughs, his eyes burning in his skull, the shadows coming for him like they did for the previous figure, encircling until there is nothing left. "Next time you want to bargain with somebody's life Shizuka Kawai, remember love is always a factor"

"Damnit!" It was the first words out of my mouth, slamming my fists against the ground. My body is trembling, sweat pouring down my face. This isn't like me! I never swear, never. I was right. I'm a monster.

"You surprise me" I don't bother getting up, collapsing in a heap upon the earth. I'm sick of these people! These apparitions, the so-called angels. I'm so confused! Death inhabits my every thought, and the pit in my stomach has turned into a large gaping hole, sucking up any emotion that passes through my body and leaving only a lasting numbness. "Any ordinary child would jump at the chance of seeing something paranormal like this"

"You aren't real" My voice lacks all emotion, hanging in the air. "How can any of this be real? I'm dreaming"

"And Honda's death?" His tone is amused and I hear footsteps sounding across the ground, getting closer. "Did you imagine that as well?"

"Doesn't matter" My answer is short and I close my eyes, my breathing heavy and labored. "Nothing matters anymore. I stuck on this earth without him! Without Honda! I don't think I can care anymore"

-Depression-

"Love is for the weak Shizuka" The figure nudges me roughly with his foot and I roll my eyes upwards, staring into the cool cerulean eyes of a tall brunette leaning over me, still nudging me with his foot. "It is a rose, with many thorns"

My voice is small as I get back up, leaning heavily against the gravestone and taking a shaky breath. "I miss him. I miss Honda. I guess that's what you're here to talk about. Honda right?"

"My, my, seems like somebody's had a change of heart" The brunette sneers and I feel a tint coming to my cheeks. "I was right. I'm a monster. All this rage built up inside me, after Honda died, I-"

"Sorry, let me correct something" The brunette holds up his hand, with a smug expression plastered all over his face. "You mean when you killed Honda"

"I didn't kill him" My voice is neither convincing, nor persistent. The brunette sighs, pressing his fingers against his temples. "Are you still on that stage?" I don't answer and he plunges ahead. "Perhaps not literally, but in technicality then yes you did! You left him to die by loving Otogi more and therefore pulling him out of the building first"

"Is it all my fault?" My voice is soft, and I know I'm at my breaking point. I'm just inviting the hysteria to take control. He nods and I feel my heart take permanent residence in my stomach. "It's your fault that he's dead Shizuka"

"I-I couldn't save both of them," I argue. "Would you have preferred I let Otogi burn?" The brunette seems interested suddenly, ready for the debate. "Of course it's your fault. It's nobody's but yours. Why do you think you feel guilty about Honda? Because you didn't love him enough to save him. You loved Otogi more. You're as selfish as the rest Shizuka Kawai, always quick to blame everybody else for your mistakes"

"If I hadn't saved Otogi," I ask calmly. "Would this still be happening? Would I still be seeing you? Would I need to see you?" He takes a while to answer, though I sense he really already knows. "Your stupidity is overwhelming. What do you think? Would you be denying Otogi's death the same way you did Honda's if Otogi had died instead? No you wouldn't. You feel guilty, so that is why 'We' are here. If we weren't, well most likely you'd have been dragged off to an asylum by the week. You'd still be stuck in denial. You feel guilty Shizuka, because you loved him enough to save him and you didn't. Perhaps even more then Otogi"

"No, stop it!" I cover my ears but he keeps going as I feel hot tears spring to my eyes. "Maybe, secretly you loved Honda better then Otogi. Maybe to the same level that he loved you. You panicked and grabbed Otogi because you couldn't get Honda and now you're stuck here, alone and cold you whore"

"That isn't true!" Memories dominate my sight, playing over and over, Honda in the park, Honda on his motorcycle, Honda goofing around with Anzu and Jounouchi, Honda and I walking alone in the park. I feel a hopeless sense of despair begin to manifest in my stomach. I'm never going to see him again. This is real.

"Honda!" I scream. "Don't you dare leave me! Come back! It's all my fault, it's all my fault, its all my fault!"

"You think your screams are loud enough for Honda to hear?" The brunette taunts but I don't reply. I can't reply as I feel my throat closing. I want to scream. I want to stop hearing this voice. I want to go back to knowing nothing and believing everything.

The tears finally arrive, spilling over the ground as I weep, rubbing my eyes furiously though it does little to stop the flow. "I hate this!" I scream. "It's all my fault!"

My mistake was trying to leave. To run back to the church though I don't think I could have left unless the brunette wanted me to. My tears blinded me and I swear I didn't wish for what happened next, my foot catching onto the tombstone, the sense of air rushing past me and then collapsing in a heap on the ground, my head spinning and the smell of blood trickling past my ear.

I lay there, dazed as I here the brunette sigh, turning and then the slow sound of footsteps walking away. Abandoning me! I make a small sound in my throat, something that may have translated into 'Save me' though it wasn't apparent.

"I may be angel, but I can't save the damned" His last words before the shadows took him as they had done for the three others before him, leaving me cold and alone on the ground, frozen as the air howls around me. I can faintly make out Katsuya's worried voice chiming in the creeping darkness and I make an attempt to move, to fight hypothermia as I feel my bones turn to ice.

It might have been days lying on the ground for all I know, just staring up at the dimming light until the slow eventual sound of footsteps sounded beside me and I knew I wasn't alone. I felt the body-heat of the stranger radiating onto me as the shadowed figure bent, scoping me up in my arms and lifting my up bridal-style.

I feel hands smoothing away the loose hair strands away from my face and I mumble something though I'm not sure what exactly. "Rest now Shizuka" I familiar voice commands gently and begins to carry me away slowly, though where to I'm not sure.

"I know you aren't real" I slur, my eyelids growing heavy. "You can't be Honda. Honda's-"

"Dead, I know" The figures voice is traced with amusement, fingers entwining with my own. "Believe me, I know"

"Am I dead?" I ask and I feel the figure shrug "Do you want to be?" I consider the question "No. Not really"

"Then you, Shizuka Kawai will live" I nod and the figure chuckled "Do you know the pattern Shizuka?" I nod, confused and then bite my lip as realization sinks in. "No! It can't be that! Please no! Honda, don't you dare-"

"I'll be waiting for you" I crane my neck up desperately, hoping to catch a glimpse of Honda's face but all I see is dim light. Then Anzu's worried voice and my lungs demand air, my arms wrapping themselves around the figures neck, gasping for air.

"Easy sis, I got you" Katsuya's voice rings in my ears and my breathing becomes steady as he carries me throw the cemetery, Anzu and various other funeral guests jogging along beside us. "You scared me half to death Shizuka"

I say nothing, closing my eyes. I know what comes next. I never got to tell him how much I'd miss him. But I know its true as we walk into the church, the emptiness setting inside of me. I'm never going to see him again. I didn't love him enough to save him.

But I loved him too much to be saved.

-Acceptance-

-Owari-

--

Denial: Yami no Marik

Anger: Yami no Bakura

Bargaining: Yami no Yugi

Depression: Priest Seto

Acceptance: Honda