Okay! So this here is a little Transformers crack fic that was originally a text message roleplay conversation between Himeno24 and myself! We thought we'd share it with you! Note that this was NOT written with plan or on purpose. It sort of just.....happened. This is but one of many roleplays Himeno24 and myself have done over texting, but alas, this was the most epic. And alas, the others are long deleted. This story may also be found on my deviantART account under the pen name charlietheunicorn711.
Also let me note that in this one-shot: Bumblebee is Ironhide's adopted sparkling (he is a baby bot, inspired by Karategal's stories). Prowl and Jazz are sparkmates (inspired by Black Dragon Queen's "Cover Me"). Prowl and Jazz have a sparkling together and Jazz is the mama mech (inspired by Black Dragon Queen's "Cover Me"; their sparkling as envisioned in this fic belongs to plantman-exe on deviantART). Bee is about 3 and Techno is about 1 (in human years, not vorns cuz I can't compute vorns). There are hints of PDSB (Public Display of Spark Bonding) and mpreg (mech pregnancy). The setting of the story as a whole was inspired by Litahatchee's "Night Fire" and Karategal's stories.
Now before you go and read, here are the credits of the original characters/ideas that found their way into the conversation: Lunarflare belongs to Himeno24. Techno belongs to plantman-exe on deviantART. Rufus belongs to Karategal. (In case you were wondering, Rufus is Bee's little stuffed toy that is a cross between Optimus Prime and a teddy bear.)
Others whose ideas/characters did not necessarily appear, but were inspirations nonetheless: Litahatchee and her story "Night Fire" and Black Dragon Queen and her story "Cover Me".
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN TRANSFORMERS AND AM NOT MAKING ANY MONEY OUT OF THIS STORY! THIS IS PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT! SO YOU NO SUE! KAPEESH?
Bumblebee: Jaaazz!!! I'm bored!!! Play with me before I make your auditory processors blow!
Jazz: *throws Rufus at Bee*
Bumblebee: Rufus!!! *hugs* But I'm still boooored!
Jazz: You could always have another epic adventure in the ventilation system! But don't forget to beware the cyber cats!
Bumblebee: *teary optics* But I can't get to the vents! Prowl has his shift right now! He's in the way!!
Jazz: *looks back and forth between Bee and the unknowing Prowl several times* …..the things I do for you, little buddy. Oh….Prowl and Hide are gonna use me for target practice when they find out. I just know it. I'm gonna be scrap metal…. *heads to Prowl and impending doom*
Bumblebee: I love you Jazz! Have fun with Prowl! *climbs into air vents with Rufus* I'll tell Hide to take it easy on you!
Jazz: How about we don't mention this to anyone, little buddy? Especially Hide? How about we pretend you snuck off on your own? This way I can keep my skidplate on my aft, since YOU won't get blasted anyway, you cute little glitch! I'll even give you a new game chip!
Bumblebee: A game chip? Really? Oh yay, oh yay! *hug* I love you Jazz!
Prowl: JAAAZZ!!!!!
Bumblebee: Better go quick!
Jazz: Oh SLAG!! I gotta get my aft outta here!! *runs*
Ironhide: JAAAZZ!!!!! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT YOUR LANGUAGE AROUND BUMBLEBEE?!?!?!
Bumblebee: *hidden inside vents* Hee hee hee. Let's go find Opt, okay Rufus? He always has fun stuff to do.
Jazz: *from a distance* YOU LITTLE TRAITOR!!!!!!!
Bumblebee: Hee hee hee. Go and look for Lunarflare! I think she's back!
Jazz: I WILL IF HIDE LEAVES ME ANY OPTICS TO LOOK WITH!!!!! *looks behind him* FRAG!!!! OLD MECH'S FASTER THAN HE LOOKS!!!!! *highafts it*
Ironhide: JAAAZZ!!!!! YOU LITTLE SLAGGER, GET BACK HERE!!!!!
Prowl: *sirens blaring* Jazz! Get back here!
Lunarflare: Goodness, now what? Wait, lemme guess….Bee?
Jazz: *as he passes Lunarflare* Hey sexy! How's it going? You. Me. Talk. Later. Bye!
Lunarflare: I'll be waiting! *blush*
Prowl: Jazz!! Stop hitting on her!!!
Jazz: Sorry, Prowlie, you know I can't help it! *wink*
Lunarflare: Come on, Prowl! He's a femme-magnet! Hee hee. Let him have his fun. Try not to get killed Jazz!
Jazz: *from the other side of the compound* Sure thing, babe!
Prowl: *glowers*
Lunarflare: Tee hee. Hey Ironhide, please don't kill Jazz. We kinda need our Special Ops.
Jazz: *skids to a halt, praying to Primus that his plan'll work* Hey, Hide, where's Bee?
Ironhide: *skids to a halt also* …….SLAG!!! *highafts it back to the compound*
Lunarflare & Prowl: *dumbfounded*
Jazz: *blink* Hey! It worked! *turns to Lunarflare* So where were we?
Prowl: *aghast* JAAAZZ!!!!!
Jazz: Aw, Prowlie, not you again!!! *pouts and turns to run*
Lunarflare: *trips Prowl* Run Jazz! I'll meet up with you later!
Jazz: Thanks babe! *winks at Lunarflare*
Lunarflare: Anytime, sparkstud! *runs before Prowl can get up*
Prowl: I am going to kill you BOTH!!!!!
Jazz: *from a distance* Love you too, Prowlie mech!
Lunarflare: *stops running* Don't worry Prowl, we can always have a threesome!
Prowl: He's MINE!!! BACK OFF!!!!! There are plenty of other single mechs onboard Artemis I! Go flirt with THEM! *shakes fist indignantly*
Lunarflare: None of them interest me though. Prime is taken, Hide is taken….come on, it's JAZZ! He's so….jazzy!
Prowl: Which is why he's MINE!!! *shakes cannon*
Lunarflare: What're you gonna do, arrest me? *smirk*
Prowl: I- I'll tell Hide you're responsible for Jazz's escape! We'll see who's smirking then! *harrumphs*
Lunarflare: You actually think Hide would shoot me? A fellow Autobot? A FEMME at that? He would have the whole compound after his aft for shooting a femme!
Prowl: I never said he was going to SHOOT you. He's merely going to drag you to a nice, cozy dormicile (FAR away from my Jazz) where you will be detained for your own protection and waited on by every single mech.
Lunarflare: Every single mech….except Jazz. Although that does sound nice, I want Jazz!
Prowl: No no, by "single", I don't mean each and every one of us mechs. By "single", I mean unattached mechs. Jazz is attached. He has Techno and me!
Jazz: *comes back when he notices the lack of chasing and explosions* Oh, come on baby! Let's have some fun! You KNOW I wanna have a threesome sometime!
Prowl: What I want is to set a good example for our sparkling! *crosses arms and harrumphs*
Lunarflare: Fine, fine. You DO know that I'm pulling your leg, right? I would rather watch you and Jazz get it on more than anything else.
Prowl: *thinks* …….if Jazz is in agreement (which he probably is *sigh*), and if you keep all limbs to yourself AT ALL TIMES…..then I'm sure something can be arranged. *looks like he wants to eat Jazz*
Lunarflare: Really?! Really?! Alright, hands to myself! Go get your handcuffs too! And the leash and collar!
Prowl: *optics widen* …..scary fanfemme….. *shivers and slowly backs away from fanfemme*
Lunarflare: Yes yes, fear the scary fanfemme. *overly happy grin*
Prowl: *shakes head* I can't believe I'M the one who suggested this….fine. I shall go get my…..tools. *smirks at Jazz* Jazz! Go find a sparklingsitter! And NOT those pit-slagging twins! Techno's in his crib and is due for his afternoon recharge. The quicker you are, the greater your reward. *wink*
Jazz: Huh? What, what? What're we doing? I got Bluestreak to sparklingsit, why?
Prowl: Jazz…..you don't want me to reward you? *looks pointedly at Jazz's chestplates and licks his lips* Oka-ay. If that's what you really want. *slowly and innocently begins to walk away*
Jazz: No no no no no no no!!!! *pounces* Come here you sexy mech!!
Lunarflare: Kyaaaaaaaa!
Prowl: JAZZ!!!!! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY!!!!! *makes no move to stop Jazz's hands from…..wandering*
Lunarflare: *energon geyser*
Jazz: Who cares about the damn hallway! Everyone already knows we are together! Remember the time we snuck into Optimus' office and-
Prowl: Stop stop stop! Someone may see us!
Ironhide: *walks around the corner with a screeching Bumblebee in tow* Prowl! That you? I finally managed to track Bee down in Prime's office. Did you catch Ja…zz… *gawk; curious silence from Bee*
Prowl: *wishes to join the Matrix* Uh….Ironhide, this isn't what it looks like-!
Jazz: Ignore him! This is EXACTLY what it looks like! He caught me all right! *triumphant grin*
Lunarflare: *nods weakly; cooling fans whirring, hands on her noseplate, and voice capacitator temporarily offline*
Ironhide: *snaps out of it and shields Bee's optics* WHAT IN THE PIT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!
Ratchet: *walks in* I heard screaming and came to see what was- HOLY PRIMUS!!!!! JAZZ!! PROWL!! WHAT IN THE UNICRON ARE YOU DOING?!?!
Prowl: *FERVENTLY wishes to join the Matrix* Ratchet….Ironhide….I….Jazz….We-
Jazz: Yo, Hatchet! You got a room for us? Or if you wanna watch with Lunarflare, that's cool too!
Bluestreak: *emerges from the rec room* Honestly Jazz! You tell me to put your little glitch into recharge, but how can I do that if he can hear you and Prowl-
Prowl: *horrified* BLUESTREAK!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bluestreak: *freezes and gawks*
Techno: *perks up at the sight of his creators* Powl! Ja! Techno too! Hold Techno too!! *reaches his tiny arms out to his creators*
Prowl: Primus strike me dead.
Jazz: Hey there, my cute little brightspark! This is how you got here! *motions to himself, Prowl, and their….interesting position with a big grin*
Everyone: JAAAZZ!!!!!!
Jazz: What? *innocent optics* I want my sparkling to be a knowledgeable little mech!
Lunarflare: *gone into temporary stasis lock due to loss of energon*
Prowl: Does…. Not…. Compute…. Our sparkling….! *processor fritz*
Bumblebee: Hi Techno! *wave*
Ironhide: Bluestreak! Get the sparklings out of here! *tosses Bee to Blue*
Bumblebee: *angry at being handled roughly* Click. Twitter. Chirp. Buzz. Click. Chirrup. Click. Click.
Bluestreak: Come on, little buddies! Even MY optics can't take this!
Techno: *teary optics* Powl! Ja! Techno too, Techno too! *reaches for Prowl and Jazz as Blue scrams*
Prowl: *faints*
Jazz: *waves* See you later, my little sweetspark! *looks down at his sexy mech and Lunarflare* Uh….Ratchet….a little help over here. *sweatdrop*
A/N: That took 60-70 text messages (5 pages on word) between Himeno24 and myself, ladies and gentlemen. R&R!