Okay, so I know I've been gone for ages. I've been reading stories, but not writing anything myself. I'm ashamed to admit I didn't even finish the last story I started. But, here's a new oneshot. It's a songfic to the song Halo by Bethany Joy Galeotti, a song I love and you will probably know from One Tree Hill. I hope you like it. I'm also working on a story. However, I will not post it yet. I want to wait untill I have finished the whole story, so that I won't disappoint any of my readers by posting a story I'm not finishing, like I did with my last story.
I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there'd be sunshine every day
I'll give you everything I have
The good the bad
I sighed as I let myself fall back on the bed. I had screwed things up. Again. I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. Everything seemed to be going fine, Jason and I had gone to dinner and it had started of great. It's just that he expected everything to be so much more than it was. He expected me to be the perfect girlfriend. But I couldn't be. I couldn't give him everything he wanted. I couldn't be his sunshine. Life wasn't easy for me, and I could not pretend anymore.
Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below
So help me down you've got it wrong
I don't belong there
He had such high expectations of me. As did my family. But I'm not what they think I am. I'm not such a great person, I can't be a perfect girlfriend or a perfect daughter. I'm not perfect like they think I am, or like they want me to be. They've got it all wrong.
It's not just my family and Jason that want me to be perfect. It's everyone. My family is pretending to be the perfect family. Two successfull parents, smart daughter with her amazing boyfriend, two athletic sons. Our house was always tidy, our garden was kept perfect at all times, with not a single leave out of order. To everyone around us it seems to be without effort. They don't see the pressure that is put onto me. Noone knows how difficult it is to live up to the expectations.
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn't say so
You wouldn't say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
Tonight it all became too much. Jason and I had gone to dinner at one of the fanciest restaurants in town. I had worn my favourite dress and he looked amazing in his suit. I must admit, when he had told me we would be going to dress nicely because we would go to a fancy restaurant I hadn't expected this night to turn out the way it did. It had started out like a normal date. He had pulled out my chair, like he always did, so that I could sit down, we had ordered our food and made a little bit of small talk. I didn't notice anything was up, until he ordered the most expensive champagne the restaurant had on the menu.
I turned over on the bed to burry my head in my pillow, as I thought back on what happened next. Before I knew it Jason had gotten down on one knee, ready to take the next step in our relationship. "Gabriella," he didn't look nervous at all, like he knew for sure this would all play out the way he wanted it to "We have been dating for almost six years now, and it has been amazing. You're a great woman, you're better than I could have ever hoped any woman to be. And I could think of only one thing that would make this night even more perfect than it already is." He looked straight into my eyes, noticing my shocked expression and took my hand "Will you do me the honour of being my wife? Will you marry me?"
Just thinking back to it made me feel sick to my stomach. My reaction had been horrible, but it had to be done. I couldn't live like this anymore. Always trying to be perfect. I couldn't become his perfect wife. I'm just not that girl.
I always said that I would make mistakes
I'm only human and that's my saving grace
I'll fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
So pull me from that pedestal
I don't belong there
"Jason, I'm..." I yanked my hand away from this "I'm not as perfect as you think you are. I've made mistakes..." My mind went back to last week, when I had almost kissed one of the guys that I go to university with. While I was thinking back to that day Jason tried to reason with me, telling me I was perfect, once again. "It's just... I can't do this anymore Jason. You expect me to be so perfect, but truth be told, I have my flaws." He tried to protest, but I stopped him and continued talking myself "I can't be perfect for you Jason, I... I can't do this Jay, sorry..." I looked down to my hands, before I got up and fleed the restaurant.
Like to think that you know me
But in your eyes
I am something above me
That's only in your mind
Only in your mind
He didn't know me like he thought he did. Sure, we'd known eachother for a long time. But does that mean that you really know one another? Like really know the way they are and the way they feel inside? I don't think so. He doesn't know how I really feel about him. Or what I am like. He has this perfect picture of me in his mind. But I'm not like that. I'm not that perfect. Is anyone that perfect?
Last week, Friday to be exact, made me realize this. I was talking to someone at uni, Troy, and he made me see that I don't have to live up to these expectations if it wasn't make me happy. He made me see that my life is about me. He had been amazing, giving me the feeling that just being me was good enough.
I wear a, I wear a, I wear a Halo
(I just wanna love you)
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there'd be sunshine every day
I'll give you everything I have
The good the bad
Just thinking back to that day made me feel happy. He told me that as long as I would just give my best, and tried to be the best person I could be, it didn't matter if I was perfect or not. Just being me was good enough for him. Of course, what happened then made me feel worse about myself. We had almost kissed. Okay, I stopped it right before anything happend, but I had wanted it to happen. And it made me feel guilty. However, it also made me realize that maybe Jason isn't who I'm supposed to be with.
I stand up, deciding to go for a walk. I have to get out of this room. It feels like the walls are closing in on me, leaving me unable to breathe. I don't care that it's raining, I don't give a damn about the thunder, I just have to get out. Not that the outside world makes me feel any better. Everything's gray, there's hardly any light out here since the clouds are blocking the sun. The clouds are a strange colour gray, black, green even. I've never seen it like this before.
Without really knowing where to go I start walking. It takes me some time to realize that I end up right in front of the dorms where Troy is living. His room is at the front of the building, and I can see that the lights are on. He's sitting in front of his window, looking outside to the sky, which, I must admit, is a beautiful sight. It's so strange to see it like this. It's scary at the same time. I sit down on a bench in front of the building, my back to his window, looking out at the cars passing by.
Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below
So help me down you've got it wrong
I don't belong there
I can't stop thinking of him. He's such a great guy, he's the one who made me realize that I can't live my life to please others. I can't stay on the pedestal they put me on. He helped me down, he helped me take control of my own life. And then there's his looks. He's absolutely gorgeous, blue eyes as clear as a crystal, his dirty blonde hair hanging in his eyes, not to mention his perfect body. I know that isn't wat really matters, but it's great that he's that goodlooking.
It takes me a moment to realize that someone sat down next to me. But when I look up, he's there, looking at me, questioning me with his eyes. "Gabriella, what are you doing here? Why are you sitting outside? This is no weather to be outside."
I look into his eyes and see his concern. "You're right, it's just..." I look away from his eyes again, not knowing how to say this. "I didn't really know where else to go." He grabs my hand, encouraging me to go on. "I realized I have to make some changes Troy. I can't go on the way I've been doing lately."
"How about we talk about that inside?" he stands up and pulls me up with him. "Come on, let's get you into some dry clothes.
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn't say so
You wouldn't say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
Once we're inside, wearing dry clothes and holding a warm cup of tea we continue our conversation. "They all expect me to be something I'm not. They think I'm perfect, my family, Jason, everyone... It's like when they see me I'm wearing a halo" I lay my head down on his shoulder. "But I'm not, I'm really not." Then as an afterthought "You know, Jason asked me to marry him tonight."
Troy looks at me, shock is written all over his face "What did you say?"
I sigh "Not much really, I stammered that I couldn't do this anymore. Then I just left." I wipe a tear from my eyes "I can't be his wife, Troy. I can't be his perfect little housewife. I can't give him the life he wants. And he can't give me the life I want. I don't want all this pressure, I just want love" My voice breaks, tears start to fall down and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
He pulls me in a hug, and it feels so good. His warm arms around me. He's strong, but yet he's very gentle. Without saying another word, we just lie down on his bed. His arms still around me, making me feel like he's protecting me. He brings up one of his hands to stroke my face and my hair.
I always said that I would make mistakes
I'm only human and that's my saving grace
I'll fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
So pull me from that pedestal
I don't belong there
"It's like he doesn't see that I have flaws as well." After a few minutes I speak up again.
Troy forces me to face him "Everyone has them, but don't let that get you down. It's okay to not be perfect."
I look into his eyes, and I see the one thing that I have never seen in Jason's eyes. Love. Sure, he liked me. He liked the idea he had of me. But he didn't love me, not like that. He thought I would be a suitable wife. He thought I could give him the perfect family. Like my own family. Success in business, sports and school was his idea of perfect. My idea of it is love. And for some reason, I feel that with Troy I can finally experience love.
Without really thinking about it, I press my lips to his. Softly, not wanting to scare him away from me. He deepens the kiss, begging for entrance as his tongue touches my lips. It's not really passionate, just really soft and loving. Exploring.
Like to think that you know me
But in your eyes
I am something above me
That's only in your mind
Only in your mind
I wear a, I wear a, I wear a Halo
As I pull away he cups my face in his hands "Just promise me one thing." He nods "See me as I really am. Don't think I'm something I'm not. I know I'm not perfect, I know I made mistakes, and I'm sure I will make many more in the future." I put my head on his chest "Just see me as I am." I plead once more.
Then he starts to whisper, softly. "I do, Gabriella" he takes a shallow breath "I really do. And to be honest, I like what I see." He tangles his hand in my hair and his other arm is pulling me closer to him. "I just wanna love you."
I just wanna love you
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Let me know what you think in a Review!
xoxo DutchIcePrincess