aN : one shot for you :) I may write a sequel to this, if you guys are interested.
I do not own or profit from The Walking Dead.
The change came gradually, over time. To Daryl it had seemed as though he was watching from outside his own body.
They'd always had moments him and Carol. Moments that assured him, that even though times were rough and the world was hell on earth, she was there. They had each other.
At the prison, it had been simple, easy, and maybe he'd taken advantage of that fact. He got comfortable. When he needed her she was there.
The night Merle had died, he'd been in the Generator room, finishing off the bottle of Jack, he'd found in Merle's car. Asshole hadn't even left enough to get shit faced drunk.
The pain had been an open festering wound, and his barriers dumbed down just enough by the alcohol when she'd found him. Sitting on the floor, the bottle half hazardly at his side, as he thumped his head repeatedly against the wall. Nothing hurt worse than the pain in his chest.
He heard her coming before he saw her. Her light steps, barely echoed in the hallway but he knew it was her, Carol. He'd know her steps anywhere.
She stopped at the door, both hands coming up to the jam resting her cheek against them as she simply watched him.
He opened his mouth, ten times if he did once to tell her to leave, to snarl at her, but everytime it got caught in his throat like a burr stuck in his side. It wouldn't come out.
Maybe because he didn't want her to go. He wanted nothing more than to bury his face in her neck and curl up beside her. He wanted to hold her and beg her not to leave him too. In that moment he realized that his whole world, the entire reason he had to keep going was wrapped up inside those eyes, those clear blue eyes, that were staring at him now through her tears.
She stayed at the door, like she was waiting. She always knew somehow, just how to read him. She was magic like that. When he couldn't take it anymore, when the war inside him was won by those eyes, he broke. Ugly sobbing, head bowed knowing only that he needed her.
Her footsteps, were light, and suddenly she was beside him, holding him while he cried. When he was done, they lowered down to the floor, he needed to hold her tonight, have her close. He didn't want to examine his reasons closely.
He held her all night, her back pressed firmly to his front, his arms around her tightly. He could feel her, feel her heartbeat, her life flowing through her and he knew he still had a reason to keep going and fighting.
Time flew by and one day he found himself staring at Rick in horror. She couldn't be gone. He didn't care if she had killed twenty people. She had a reason, he knew that without a doubt. There wasn't a doubt in his mind, he knew without a doubt, whatever she had done, she had a reason.
He couldn't breath, he was sure all the carefully suppressed pain that her presence soothed, comforted was ready to bubble out and explode. Rick had his kids they were his reason to keep going, why couldn't he understand, she was his.
He'd been ready to give up when he was with Beth he had nothing left. Then he'd realized she would kick his ass if she saw him now. Beth was kid and she needed him, but then he lost her. It was Sophia all over again in his mind, his failure compounding in his mind.
He needed to do this for Carol, he needed to not give up, but he faltered in his pain. A ship without it's sail. He needed to hold her. He needed to feel her close to him. His mind flashing back to those nights on the road after the farm. Those cold nights when they had clung to each other, for warmth, for reassurance. She'd taught him, it was okay to be touched, and he'd longed for it. Her touch, the feeling of her silky hair tickling his chin, her sweet breath on his neck, her hand on his hip.
Then she was there, appearing in the woods after Terminus like a wood fairy. Seemingly from nowhere, and from everywhere all at once. She was there, she was alive, she was his reason and he'd needed her for so long.
He was running, and he didn't give a fuck what the others thought. She was his reason and she was there, her silky hair tickling his chin, her sweet breath on his neck.
She was a hero, and he'd never doubted her. Never once, but she'd doubted herself.
His words had caught in his throat, how did he help her? He was no good at this shit, but he was trying and he wanted her to try. He desperately needed her back, his Carol, his reason.
When she stepped out in front of that car his own life flashed in front of his eyes and how since the turn, since the end of the world his life only got better. Because of her, she was the reason. She filled all those spaces inside of him. She'd done that with her eyes, and her understanding and her love. Fuck...he was an idiot. He'd lost her again, just when he realized the truth. He loved her and she was gone.
He got lost in his guilt when Beth died. The pain of his failures compounding. Another kid lost, and she was there, giving him permission again, to go into himself, to grieve. To feel. He pulled away from her to, scared of rejection. Scared that he would lose her too, and that was a pain to great to contemplate.
But she was suffering, and it called to him. Especially when they got to Alexandria. He watched her in confusion as she transformed herself yet again. It had struck him again. That was her but that wasn't her. She was sacrificing the very heart of herself for everyone else. He loved her for he selflessness but he couldn't let her fade away. She was his reason and she didn't realize it. He was a fucking idiot, he needed to connect the dots. Fuck if she was his reason, he needed to help her realize, that he was hers.
He knew that now, he was her reason, to keep going, even when she didn't admit it to herself. You couldn't do things alone anymore and they weren't. Under it all they had each other. She should know she wasn't alone, fuck he needed to show her. Show her she wasn't alone, show her she was loved.
The deep dark pit of fear, that opened in his stomach when he knew what he needed to do just wouldn't go away. He couldn't fail her this time, she needed him. He had absolutely no fucking idea what he was doing.
You look ridiculous?
What the hell was wrong with him? Somewhere Merle was cackling and busting a gut laughing his ass off at him. Insulting her...yeah that probably wouldn't work. Fuck, he'd thought as she walked off, but her ass did look good in those pants.
I'll hose you down in your sleep.
Yes please, he thought. If only it was that easy. His nights from that day forth had been filled with vivid dreams of taking her in the shower, or of bathing with her in a tub. He would soon need to be hosed down in his sleep with ice water of his dreams got any hotter.
The days stretched out, and that burr was still stuck in his throat. He had time now, time to figure out how he would do what needed to be done. She told him once that she couldn't feel it, but maybe he needed to help her forgive herself. Maybe that's what you did when you loved someone, you helped them see the truth about themselves, just like she'd done for him.
When the attack happened, it caught him off guard. He'd fallen into compliance at Alexandria, they were safe, he'd thought. Rick was paranoid he'd thought and using Carol's selflessness as a crutch. But he'd been wrong.
He'd run through the safe zone, needing to find her. Assure she was safe, get her to safety. Fighting his way through a massive herd that had been unleashed in the breach on the walls. He'd realized with mind numbing clarity that theft wasn't the only thing that the attackers had in mind.
They were taking women.
No, no no no no no. This wouldn't happen. He couldn't lose her again.
He was light headed and frantic eyed when it was over, searching with a wild intensity. He sunk down to his knees when he realized the truth. His soul tearing into a million pieces. She was gone.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Daryl...we need you here." Aaron said as he stood with Rick watching him pack his shit getting ready to track her.
"You don't need me, she needs me." He gruffed packing his bags.
Rick put his hand on Daryl's arm. "I'd go with you if I could...Carl" Rick said his voice breaking.
Daryl nodded a whisper of a smirk going to his face. "I'm better on my own." He said hoarsely.
Rick snorted then nodded, tears filling his eyes, as he'd grabbed him in a hug. "When you find her come back...I'll help you.." Rick said.
He nodded again, both of them knowing he wouldn't, before kicking the bike in gear, and heading out the gates.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"She's probably already gone" Aaron whispered watching Daryl leave.
"I hope not, " Rick said sadly. "If she is we will probably never see him again."
Aaron turned to him in confusion.
Rick sighed "We all have a reason, we keep going, carry on. Mine are my kids, yours is Eric. She's his...she's his reason."