A/N: I shamelessly rip off Ellie Gouldings song 'Wish I Stayed' in the last line. Also the band that Rachel and Quinn go to see is Marina and the Diamonds and I obsessively listened to Radioactive on repeat whilst writing this so you might want to too.
Rachel's late. Pacing back and forth the New York apartment that barely allows them room to breathe let alone cohabitate peacefully Quinn swears to god this is the last time that she lets Rachel fucking Berry convince her that leaving the house for anything other than work and food is relevant.
It's not that she's become a recluse, it's more that she's realised that she prefers to be alone. Hence her idea to defer Yale for a year in order to experience life – because under Judy and Russell Fabray's roof she hasn't ever lived, not really. Now she gets to experience the years of missed youth and misbehaving. Smoking cigarettes and having desert before dinner - without even saying grace! She may not be living the high life but she feels like she's finally living her own life. She's in control.
Rachel bursts through the door at around eight thirty, taking in Quinn's appearance with a giant smile. "I'm impressed, you actually own clothes other than sweatpants and that god-awful polo shirt and jeans ensemble they make you wear at work." She laughs.
"I distinctly remember you attempting to pull of the polo shirt several times in both junior and senior year Berry, and I never remember you looking as good as I do." They both smirk at each other and Quinn revels in how easy this has become. Her tendency to be nasty to Rachel hasn't disappeared, she's just realised that when it's paralleled with unconditional love there's a higher chance of forgiveness.
"Come on then midget, Marina won't wait for you." She says, grabbing her Nikon and a battered pack of Marlboro Lights to slip into her back pocket.
Rachel's attempting to tell her that maybe one day she will, when I'm on Broadway, whilst Quinn rolls her eyes and smiles. Because despite her reservations about tonight she's excited. They'd both discovered the indie singer one lazy Sunday spent together in the apartment, one of the few times their schedules had allowed them to actually spend together. Granted the afternoon had ended in an argument over what to order for dinner, but from then on they'd shared a connection over a mutual love that wasn't Finn Hudson, a marked success in both of their books.
Quinn loves the idea of the parallels between love and hate. The idea of loving yourself and being guarded enough to be selfish. She knows the exact feelings in each song and relates to them in a way she hasn't with anything else before.
The support act is just wrapping up as they make their way into the tiny venue. She can feel the electricity of excitement flowing through Rachel as she tugs her hand to lead her further to the front.
"Are you excited?" She beams, continuing the never ending stream of conversation that hasn't stopped since they left the apartment "I haven't ever really been to a concert, I prefer musicals but I am so excited for this…" Quinn finds her rambling oddly endearing and whilst lost in her own thoughts of Rachel and love and life she barely notices the music start until Rachel squeezes her hand.
When you're around me I'm radioactive.
There dancing together now, and as Quinn snaps a picture of Rachel's grinning face she laughs because she hasn't felt so free and happy in a long time. Her brain goes into overdrive and for a brief second in between grabbing Rachel's hand and singing along, she marvels at how her feelings for Rachel have probably developed tenfold since junior year. It almost feels something like she'd expect love to feel.
My blood is burning, radioactive.
She wonders if Rachel feels it too. And just for a moment she allows herself to feel the suppressed emotions that she's held for years. Somewhere along the line Rachel's optimism must have washed off on her, because she's allowed herself to hope. Hope for the love of someone else, abandoning all the carefully built control and protection she'd constructed over the years.
My heart is nuclear, love is all that I fear.
After the gig, soaked in sweat with almost an entire reel of film used Rachel suggests meeting some of her NYADA friends, Kurt included, at a bar that almost never checks for ID and she's just the right kind of happy and exhausted to agree.
"Rachel!" an extremely drunk Kurt Hummel calls to them as soon as they find the small group of people sitting in a booth. "Oh and you brought Quinn! Yay!" Quinn rolls her eyes at his drunken state and the fact that he's allowing someone who is most definitely not Blaine wrap his arms around him.
She'll have time to worry about that later, she realises, as Rachel hands her a glass of something sweet tasting and decidedly alcoholic with a grin. Neither of them are big drinkers, not since Quinn's incident with the wine coolers and Puck which she'd rather not think about again anytime soon, and Rachel's house party train wreck. However for now she guesses they are – due to the fact that they both down whatever it is in the cup with a smile.
After a few hours of innocent drunken flirting with each other and suggestive oh are you two together? 's from Rachel's friends they decide to call it a night. Rachel had spent a fair half hour listening to Kurt almost in tears over how lonely he is without Blaine and she isn't ready to entangle herself in that drama, no matter how much she loves both of them.
"Come on Quinny, let's gooo!" It's a sing song voice that makes her seem completely adorable, latching on to Quinn's arm as they half-stumble out of the bar. They opt for walking home, hand in hand, conversation flowing effortlessly as always.
"I just never realised" Rachel begins, as they start to reminisce on the past – most significantly senior year. "I mean after me and Finn were over, you were still sad. And I didn't even realise…" The guilt in her voice is evident and all Quinn wants to do is kiss it away.
"I guess I was good at pretending" Quinn opts to mumble in reply.
"Well you don't have to any more. I mean it Quinn. There isn't anything you should be afraid of." There almost home now and Rachel skips ahead, calling a playful "race you home!" as they run into the darkness.
They stumble into the apartment moments later, high on adrenaline and intoxicated with alcohol. Its then, as Rachel clutches on to her arm for balance that she finally kisses her. It's everything and it's nothing, it's a thousand promises made and broken and she remembers that instincts tell you fight or flight when threatened - and this is a sort of scared that threatens the very foundations that Quinn Fabray has built herself on. Rachel's breath is ghosting on her lips when she realises that she can't do this. She won't do this. In around six months she's leaving for New Haven and she can't do this to the perfect girl with the giant ambitions that will nearly always sacrifice it all for love. Because Quinn knows without a doubt that Rachel feels it too. So she goes with flight.
"Well Miss Fabray" murmurs Rachel, attempting to sound seductive but instead letting her drunken state shine through.
"Rachel I have to go" she finally says, pulling away.
"Back to your room? Oh okay." She's pouting being stupid and pouting - it's several degrees of adorable and it breaks Quinn's heart to know that she isn't going back to her room.
"Yeah Rachel, I'll see you later."
Heading into her room she throws the essentials into a suitcase. Run Quinn a little voice is chanting in her head, because maybe this fear is the same awful fear as when she found out she was pregnant, or when she had the accident and she refuses to never be that scared again.
As soon as it can be certain that Rachel's in bed she heads to Grand Central Station. Maybe it's time she paid Santana a visit, as there isn't a chance in hell she's going home. Home, now she realises that home isn't anywhere. They say it's where the heart is, but she doesn't want to have a heart. Or at least she doesn't want to - not right now as it beats too fast and out of time.
She's heading to the platform, an hour later, when her cell vibrates deep in her coat pocket.
"Quinn? Where are you? You know if you wanted to go back out you should leave a note in case I worry and…"
"I'm going to Santana's for a while. I might stay in Boston." It's a curt answer and she cringes at the venom in her voice. She's powerless to stop it though, because her defences are fully up and she feels herself slipping into the person she used to be.
"Why though?"
"I can't do this Rachel…I can't stay in New York and I definitely can't be with you."
"Why?"
"Why? Because it isn't fair - on me or you. You know what's happened in the past, and you know what's coming up. It's not going to work and I refuse to let myself get too far into a relationship that will end as quickly as it began."
"I-I hadn't, I didn't" Rachel stammers, composure completely breaking down.
"You hadn't thought, had you? Now excuse me, I have to go." She hangs up quickly, expecting to feel her ego boost at the easiness of the conversation. Instead something seemingly like dread creeps into her stomach and as she boards the train she considers not going to Boston, and going back to Rachel. She brushes it off and takes a seat.
Boston's completely different to New York, but maybe it's something to do with the company she finds herself in.
"So you and the dwarf? Can't say that Auntie Tana's gaydar saw that one coming." Santana quips as soon as Quinn finally finds the words to tell her what happened that had made her leave New York in such a hurry. She collapses into Santana with a sigh, taking in how different the battered dorm room is to her and Rachel's New York apartment.
Santana, bitchy remarks aside is more a comfort than a wakeup call. She'd expected to either get laughed at or told to sort herself out but surprisingly Santana does neither. She mostly is simply there for Quinn to cry on, leaving Quinn realising that she's not the only one who's outgrown the bitchy cheerleader stage.
Quinn's been in Boston a week and is sitting on the threadbare couch in Santana's dorm eating Ben and Jerry's from the tub watching The Notebook when Santana gets home from class one evening. Quinn looks up at her best – and probably only at the moment – friend as a way of hello and seeing the pained look on her face Santana snaps, bitterly giving out the advice that Quinn came to Boston to receive.
"It's hard Quinn," comforting words sounding bitter in her mouth, "I mean look at Allie and Noah and god knows all the shit that went down between Brittany and I before I could even admit my own feelings to myself." Quinn murmurs, because even though she came for advice, she may not be ready to hear it.
"You loved Brittany and it didn't work out. How can you be happy after that?" She replies, staring blankly at the screen.
Santana sighs, and presses her palms into her eyes to hold back her tears – Quinn doesn't know if it's over the movie or her own pain, but keeps silent. "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." Santana replies, before quickly turning her tears into a laugh "please kill me if I ever come out with something that awful again." And Quinn can't help but laugh along, despite the growing pit of fear that seemingly increases with each day she spends away from Rachel.
It's a Tuesday when she finally decides to go home. "Go get that hobbit!" Santana laughs as Quinn hesitantly boards the train. There's an empty feeling in her stomach and she is absolutely terrified. Yet she allows herself to feel proud. For the first time Quinn Fabray is facing her demons.
She's outside the station, attempting to hail a cab when she spots him – Blaine Anderson, fresh from Ohio with a giant bouquet of flowers in his arms.
"Shouldn't you be at school?" She calls across the street with a smile.
"Quinn!" Blaine runs across the street only to nearly get hit by the New York traffic, however he carries on regardless, giving her a hug and nearly crushing the flowers.
"What are you doing here? Kurt's going to be so surprised…"
"I missed him, and from what I can gather he's missed me. I don't know why I did it, I just realised I have to be here and… god this was stupid wasn't it?"
"Come on," she says, pushing him into the taxi "we'll share."
The journey from the station to Kurt's is filled with catching up – and then finally Blaine asks the burning question. "So you and Rachel?" he begins, looking expectantly at her. Quinn, for her part, attempts to keep her composure together with a giant sigh.
"I'm going to make it better" she finally replies. "I messed up and I was scared, but I think I can sort it. I want to sort it, because all I know is that when I'm with her I feel like…" She trails off, opting to look out the window at the New York City skyline that never fails to take her breath away.
"Home?" Blaine offers. And it's true – Rachel does feel like home.
"It's not just home though. I can't explain it. It's home and it's somewhere the furthest away from home I've ever been – because that's what she is too. She's all or nothing and I don't want to be her everything but I'm so scared of being her nothing"
"Oh Quinn." He mumbles, pulling her into a hug and drawing her attention away from the outside world, "you love her." It's a statement and not a question and when he leaves the taxi to find Kurt she realises that everything she was running away from had finally caught up with her, and it hadn't hurt anything like she'd imagined.
She finds the apartment empty and a call from her boss on the answering machine asking her why she's missed a week of work. She paces, wondering if it was ever in her intention to leave forever. Wondering how could she leave forever? She settles for the couch, letting herself relax enough for a few tears to fall down her face – the first time she's cried in a very long time.
At five o'clock on the dot Rachel arrives home, almost dropping the folder she's clutching in her arms at the sight of Quinn curled up on the couch.
"Quinn" she sighs, reaching to scoop up the blonde in her arms, "you're home" she mumbles, tears in her eyes. "I was so… oh god. Just never do that again okay?" Rachel's almost hysterical now "no matter how hard it gets just don't okay. Because it wasn't fair."
Quinn manages to mumble an okay and she's looking to into Rachel's eyes and she realises what Rachel had said. She was home.
It's a long time, almost a week later, when Quinn finally has the confidence to apologize. It had been a week of long conversations about feelings and walking on eggshells when discussing why Quinn left but she hadn't ever really apologized for it. Rachel replies simply by taking her hand and beaming. "I have to say Quinn, I did appreciate the theatricality of it all – the giant lovers fight before we'd even begun – it'll be a prominent scene in the Funny Girl- esque Broadway show and later film they'll make of my life once I've made it big."
Quinn laughs, and realises that she's incapable to do anything except kiss her. So she does. And yet again it's everything and nothing, however this time she knows what she has to do. She has to work for it, and make sure that she stays. Because when she was seventeen she thought growing up was all about losing things, but maybe she'd got it wrong. Maybe it wasn't what you lost, but what you find.