It's wrong. I already know this, but the feelings persist. They prick my mind like barbs making them nearly impossible to ignore. These feelings for my brother…
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A sixteen year old had nothing better to do on a Saturday than to lay in bed a few extra hours later than could ever be afforded during the week. He lay there a good while with his arm thrown over his eyes to keep the blinding morning sun from reaching his eyelids through the slats of the window blinds, but despite his desperate attempt to will himself back to sleep, his mind wandered. Homework, school, friends, and family, his mind covered all the major fields of the endless abyss that was his mind. He never lingered long, but perhaps one place more than others did he frequent: family. Not necessarily his whole family, more like one individual family member: his brother. His one and only brother incited hatred, loathing, envy, happiness, and even love all in one instant within his body.
His elder brother: Itachi.
Scrunching his closed eyes the sixteen year old scowled as his breathing quickened. Very frequently did his mind go over the subject of his elder brother whether he willingly wanted to or not. First, his perfection and how he loathed how such a brother could be so effortlessly perfect. Then, envy of that perfection. He wished he could have followed in his brother's footsteps to make his parents proud. He frowned. Fuck them. Then his thoughts turned to a subject less conventional and wholly taboo, a love that was not meant to be. He had always admired Itachi, looked up to him, his brother was his hero and his rival. Years then shifted between them, things changed, and feelings became muddled and indiscernible.
When had things changed?
When he went to college, and I was left behind.
The Christmas Itachi returned from his first fall semester of university life there were some obvious changes, not that their parents had noticed. Only the younger noticed the changes in the elder brother, the way he smiled differently at him and only him, like he knew something the younger did not. That smile was what changed everything, that was what had roused such feelings…
Scowling harder the young man rolled over and planted his face into his pillow. God, that smile.
At their parent's annual Christmas party the day following Itachi's arrival, the elder brother joined the elder relatives in drinking eggnog and alcohol. The younger was merely a spectator, on the outside looking in as all those who've assumed the rite of passage consumed all they could handle and more. He can still remember the laughter and antics, and when the guests retired and their parents attempted to clean the mess of their kitchen in their drunken stupor while they chatted aimlessly, Itachi and Sasuke were left alone in the living area. Smiling that smile, Itachi beckoned Sasuke with a flick of his wrist.
"Help me to my room." He'd managed through a sip of a dark amber liquid sloshing about in a tall clear glass etched with Christmas trees in a noticeable pattern. Smaller fingers that hadn't filled out completely covered those of Itachi's, taking the glass from him and setting it on a nearby coffee table. For a moment both stilled as they looked at each other in the dim light of the twinkle lights from the Christmas tree that flashed different colors at different intervals. Then did Sasuke break the spell and lean down to pull his brother up from the plush living room couch though it was no easy task. The elder leaned on the younger heavily as they took the first few steps toward the stairs unsteadily. A few more steps and Itachi tripped on air. They both fell onto the other eliciting drunken guffaws and stifled laughter.
"Shh, you're being too loud." Sasuke had said between bouts of muffled laughter as he tried to pull his brother back to a standing position. He noticed though that Itachi had suddenly stopped laughing, his face morphing into a serious mask with glazed eyes looking heavenward.
"Mistletoe." Sasuke turned to see what Itachi was referring to, which he had yet to comprehend before strong hands grappled large fistfuls of clothing and pulled him downward. Warm lips pressed chaste against his own, and for one brief instance his lips sinfully touched that of his brothers, and all too soon that brief contact ended just as it had came. When they hesitantly parted, Itachi just licked his lips and smiled.
Ugh.
That particular memory was thoroughly covered on a day to day basis. As if it were proof the elder felt the same for the younger.
A fist collided into his pillow beside his face. No one. No one had ever made him feel as his brother made him feel. Absolutely no one had ever sparked his interest, and whether that was more proof that he was irrevocably in love, he had yet to decide. Sighing, the young man rolled over, now fully awake he stared at the white expanse of the ceiling above. It was time to get up.
Time had passed since then, since that night, nearly four years ago. Itachi had been busy last Christmas and the Christmas before and the one before that, leaving Sasuke alone with relatives he'd rather not visit with. He'd spent those Christmases depressed and locked away in his room listening to music from his MP3 player, and reading books that did not entirely capture his attention. When he got bored with books he fooled around on the internet chatting with friends and playing games. Naruto had visited the Christmas before, but this Christmas was reserved for his girlfriend.
Sasuke opened his door and padded across the bare wood floor to the communal bath he and Itachi once shared. He wore nothing more than his boxers, his parents still had a few days of work before their Christmas holiday, and didn't see the point in wasting thought on whether he should shrug on a shirt or not if he knew no one was home. He only planned to take a quick piss then dive back into the warm mound of blankets and sheets he'd just vacated anyway.
The cool floor of the bath chilled his toes as he poised himself before the toilet while his mind began to wander once again. Itachi had graduated with honors last spring and was offered a job not long after. He was paid well, and already owned his own home at age twenty-one. Supposedly their mother and father visited, but Sasuke declined the invitation to go with and never asked about it. Just seeing Itachi after so long at his graduation was enough to stir emotions within that he thought had been trivial. Like a childhood crush or the fleeting dream of a twelve year old.
Shaking the piss of his dick, Sasuke placed himself back in his boxers, lowered the lid, and flushed the toilet. He shifted in front of the sink and looked at himself in the overhead mirror. He hadn't changed much, Itachi was still the brother Sasuke remembered, but little things were different. He was wiser no doubt, more experienced, and confidant as ever. Those knowing eyes caught Sasuke's after the graduation ceremony, just for a moment, but it seemed as if he was looking into his very soul which caused Sasuke to look quickly away. Sasuke shook his head at the memory and ran a hand through his mused hair as he stepped out of the bathroom and into the hall. They barely knew each other any more, and anything that they did know about the other was strictly found out through their mother.
Sasuke's jaw clenched as he paused at his open bedroom door, his mother had announced some evening a month or so ago that Itachi had a girlfriend.
Letting out a withheld breath all at once, Sasuke shut his door and flopped on his bed.
I'm tired… of thinking…
He lay on his bed, his limbs strewn every which way with one leg nestled under tussled blankets. Eyelids were closed as he just breathed evenly, hardly moving at all when his brain began to supply images. Abominable images of various fantasy and wishes that would probably never come true. Facial features twisted as his eyes opened and zeroed in on what he had created with such lewd thoughts. It was only natural his body had responded, yes only natural to fantasize about things that would never happen.
His left hand moved to caress the underside of his arousal through his thin cotton boxers for a moment before raising his hips to slide them off. It always felt better completely free of clothing and constrictions.
Palming himself in his left hand he wondered faintly if Itachi's resembled what he had in any way. Would touching Itachi be like touching himself? No, it'd feel better. Much better. So much better. His hand would grip Sasuke's shaft firmly, slowly stroking his length to erection, Sasuke imagined. It would be in some private place, like the cramped hall closet while the annual Uchiha Christmas party was in full swing downstairs. No one would likely find them there.
Sasuke's right index and middle finger touched his lips as he imagined Itachi kissing him sensually while he rubbed his younger brother off unbeknownst to their family downstairs. Itachi would pull away slightly to stare into the depths of his eyes and just smile.
"Aah."
Squeezing his shaft as he imagined Itachi would, he leaned forward as if to capture those smiling lips before settling back onto wrinkled sheets only to throw his head back into his pillow. His grip tightened as he imagined Itachi would say something profoundly erotic, whispering sexy vulgar things into his ear while he touched him. Something like, 'Do you want to feel my mouth around your dick, little brother? Do you want to watch as I swallow your-'
Before that thought could even be completed Sasuke was on edge, imagining his hands buried in long raven hair as eyes that looked so much like his own stared up from their vantage point where Itachi's mouth completely enveloped his manhood.
Biting his lower lip, Sasuke came shooting his load onto his lower stomach as the rest oozed from the tip and ran down over his fist to pool on his wild pubic hair. He stroked twice more then just held his dick, rubbing his thumb in the puddle of cum at the base where it matted his pubes to his skin.
Breathing deeply, he felt better, not as depressed as before though it still lingered. So he lay there in his messy state just feeling, breathing, and listening until he heard a car coming, too close to be on the street. The noise ceased shortly after and Sasuke realized someone had pulled into the drive. Hopping up, he jumped to the window to peek out of the blinds only to see an expensive black sports car. The sound of the doorbell and knocking rang throughout the house before silence, then the door being opened.
Panicking Sasuke jumped over his bed to retrieve his boxers, thinking minutely that he should have cleaned himself up before sliding them over his mess as he bounded to his chest of drawers to pull out and pull on the first shirt he grabbed. Opening another drawer he pulled out some shorts and jerked them on when he heard a husky 'Hello?' echo throughout the house.
Itachi.
Oh shit.
Suddenly remembering his left hand being in the state that it was, Sasuke shoved his hand into his pocket and rubbed most of what he could get off in the lining of the pocket. Then, running his hands through his hair he opened his bedroom door and padded to the staircase quiet-like to peek at two people taking their coats off in the foyer. One was noticeably Itachi, the other a buxom blonde that looked oddly familiar.
Not her. He didn't bring her…
Sasuke made a face just as Itachi looked up and caught sight of his little brother. That smile crossed his features, "Oh I didn't think you were up."
Sasuke internally melted at that tone, but maintained his look of distaste as the blonde followed Itachi's gaze to look up at him. She waved, absently smiling up at him and offering a sugary-sweet 'hello'.
"Hi." Sasuke said to the woman then focused on his brother, "It's not that early."
"I suppose you're right," Itachi then turned to 'his' woman then looked back up to Sasuke, "Sasuke, I'd like for you to meet Ino."
Ino. Click. Yes, her. Middle school.
"We've met before," Sasuke deadpanned and withheld from saying anything more.
"It's been so long, I thought you would have forgotten me," Ino smiled up at Sasuke clearly ignoring his distaste for her.
"Well, you do have that sort of affect on people, sweetheart."
Sweetheart?
The blonde's giggles rang throughout the residence, but Sasuke had already tuned her out.
"I guess you're right," she gushed clearly expressing the emotion she felt toward Itachi. It was sickening really, but Sasuke wasn't listening. In his own little world, he was dying.