Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related. Lyrics belong to Moby.
AN: One of my many hiatus fics. Moving it over from my LJ.
"Porcelain"
In my dreams I'm dying all the time Tell the truth you never wanted me In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell me
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind
Seth and Summer stood in silence, shocked at the scene in front of them. Marissa was holding a gun while Ryan struggled to get to his feet.
"Oh, shit, Coop, what did you do?" Summer whispers.
"He was going to kill you…he was going to kill you, Ryan," Marissa said, her eyes wide with fear and horror as she searched Ryan's battered face.
Ryan let out a pained breath but didn't speak. He turned back to look at his brother's body with a shudder.
Marissa dropped the gun with a thump and Summer immediately hurried over to embrace her.
"Dude, are you all right?" Seth asked, speaking for the first time.
"No," Ryan answered, looking at him with empty eyes.
"I didn't mean to kill him…I just wanted to help Ryan…he wouldn't stop choking him and…" Marissa sobbed.
They heard the first sirens in the distance. "What are we going to do?" Seth asked.
"It was self-defense, she didn't have a choice…" Summer said, glaring at him.
Ryan put a hand against the wall and collapsed into coughs, finally leaning his forehead against it for support.
"Seth, go get the cops, call an ambulance or something," Summer said, moving away from Marissa for a moment and turning to him.
"Shit…" Seth managed, pushing Summer backwards through the still opened door as Trey suddenly sat up, holding the abandoned gun. Seth heard the sound of the bullet impacting flesh as he pushed Summer to the floor.
"No…" Marissa screamed as the first bullet pierced her shoulder.
Trey fired quickly four more times, twice at Marissa and twice at Ryan. Seth barely had time to breathe as the cops rushed past them.
More guns went off, louder and faster than the first shots and Summer started to cry, her nails digging into his back as he pressed her harder against the floor.
Ryan couldn't see, his vision was red like that damned bar in Chino, he was hurting and he'd never hurt like this before and he couldn't see Seth or Trey or Marissa, he couldn't see anything familiar.
"This one's alive, kid, can you stay with me?"
He shook his head because he couldn't talk, didn't the cop see the red? Red meant stop, red meant that everything stopped.
"She's breathing, she's got a strong pulse…"
"What do we got?"
"Assailant's dead over there, we had to shoot him to get him to drop his gun, there are two vic's here, this one took one to the shoulder and the boy took two to the chest, only one exit wound…"
"Back up, we got this…"
"Boy lost consciousness about five minutes ago, girl's been down since we got here…"
"We got it, clear the stairs for our stretchers, we have to get them out of here."
Summer wouldn't let go of Seth, they'd both told the cops the truth about what they knew and now all she wanted to do was make sure Chino and Coop were okay.
"He's my brother, you have to let us go with him," Seth yelled at the cop. "We didn't do anything wrong and if he dies alone…"
Dies. Was Chino going to die? Was Coop?
"I want to go with her," Summer said, snapping out of her trance.
The cops stepped away for a long moment. "Okay."
Cohen squeezed her tightly. "You take Marissa, I'll see you at the hospital…I love you…"
"I love you, too," she managed before the female officer rushed her into the ambulance where Coop was already hooked up to a bag of fluid. The paramedics didn't even acknowledge her as she settled herself on the bench and squeezed her best friend's hand.
Marissa Cooper had been her best friend as long as she could remember.
Summer couldn't live without her. Sure, the girl was self-centered, but she hadn't always been that way. Coop had stood by her when her mother had left. She'd held her when she cried over boys and her parents and Cohen. Marissa was her other half.
"Coop…" she murmured, raising the girl's limp hand to her lips. "Please come back to me…I need you…"
Ryan gasped suddenly and Seth snapped alert, taking his left hand already taped to an IV.
"I got you, look at me, just look at me…" Seth said. Ryan's panicked blue eyes finally settled on him. "Good…you took a couple of hits but I'm right here, you have to breathe, just breathe slow for me, you're okay…"
"Trey…"
"Just relax, man…trust me…" Seth said as Ryan squeezed his hand. His hand was screaming in pain but he knew that it was nothing compared to Ryan's anguish and pain from the two holes in his chest.
Ryan centered his focus on Seth and finally relaxed, breathing in sync with Seth.
"That's it…just stay with me…"
Ryan closed his eyes sluggishly, turning his face away and relaxing his grip.
"Ry?"
"Don't ever call me that…" Ryan murmured hoarsely before all the monitors went crazy as his brother flat lined. Seth didn't panic because Ryan's grip remained tight on his hand.
"She's going to be okay," Summer said, finding Seth in the waiting room.
"Ryan died. Four times before we even got here," Seth stated blankly, not standing up.
"Cohen…"
"Four times. They made me leave him with them…said I didn't need to see what they were going to have to do…Trey's dead. Ryan died four times."
She wrapped her arms around him but he didn't reciprocate, stricken.
"He's going to be okay…"
"Even if he isn't dead already…how is he ever going to be okay? Trey was his brother…I'm supposed to be his brother…"
"You are, you didn't shoot him…"
Seth cried. She rocked him as he cried.
God, she loved him. She'd never let go.
Seth released Summer finally and gazed into her eyes, kissing her deeply. "Thank you."
"I'm here for you."
"I need you so much…"
"Me, too…"
"You said Marissa's okay?"
"I'm okay," Marissa answered, stepping in with her arm in a sling. "How's Ryan?"
"No word yet," Summer answered, standing up and embracing the thin girl.
"My parents are on the way."
"Dad's going to kill me," Seth realized, searching his pockets for his cell phone.
"Here," Summer said, holding out her phone.
He dialed his dad's number automatically.
His mom was at the clinic by now. Surely his dad would come.
"Seth?"
"Hey…"
"I'm twenty minutes from the hospital, what happened? Are you all right?"
"Fine…it's Ryan…"
"I heard…I'm his next of kin these days…"
"Are you coming?"
"As fast as I can…are you okay?"
Seth let the tears escape his eyes. "We need you, Dad…"
"I'm coming…"
"I'm waiting…I'm so sorry, Dad…"
"Don't be sorry, Seth…I know you did all you could…"
Seth studied Summer, her arms around Marissa. "I didn't…"
"Stop it. You saved Summer. You were there when Ryan needed you…hang tight…stay on the phone with me?"
"How's Mom?" Seth managed, wiping his face.
"How are you?"
"I need…I need you to be here…Marissa's okay, Trey's dead, I'm okay, Summer's okay…Ryan's the one that needs you…everyone else is gone, he needs you, Dad…"
"I'm coming…just keep talking to me…tell me anything…"
"He was killing him…Marissa shot him right before we got there…we were freaked but Ryan got up, he was going to be okay, he was okay, and then Trey wasn't dead, he picked up the gun again and shot Marissa, then Ryan…"
"Where were you?"
Seth glanced at Summer.
"Seth?"
"I pushed Summer down…"
"And you're okay?"
"Ryan needs you…"
"Seth?"
"I'm okay, Ryan needs you…"
"I'm almost there…stay with me?"
Seth was still watching Marissa and Summer. At least they had each other. "I'm here, dad…"
"Just keep talking…"
Ryan took a deep breath, his eyes flipping open despite his agony.
"I'm here, just stay calm…"
Ryan recognized Sandy's voice.
"You gave us all a scare, kid, but you're going to be fine, you just have to stay cool…are you cool?"
"…Cool…" he rasped through his sore throat.
"That's my boy…" Sandy appeared in his vision, holding both his hands.
"Sandy…"
"Just keep breathing, we have time to figure out everything later…hey, Ryan?"
Ryan focused on him again.
"Seth needs you, Marissa needs you…I need you…I'll be right here when you wake up, just trust me and you'll be okay…trust me…"
"Trust," Ryan mimicked.
"Ryan, look at me…:
Ryan sucked a painful breath into his lungs.
"Stay with me…stay, kid…please…"
Ryan squeezed his hands but it hurt so much that he just wanted to close his eyes again and go back to that place where he didn't know anything. "It hurts…"
"I know, kid, I'm so sorry…I'm not going anywhere, kid…keep looking at me…"
But Ryan couldn't, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't…
"Stay…please…"
Ryan closed his eyes.
Out of control.
"Dad?"
Sandy walked in and he stood up. Marissa and Summer stayed cuddled on the couch.
"They're taking him up for surgery…"
"Surgery?" Marissa whispered.
"What kind of surgery?" Seth asked.
"One of the bullets, Seth…I didn't come out…" his dad started slowly. Sandy glanced at the girls and put his arm around him, guiding him into the hallway.
"Is he going to be okay?"
"One of his lungs was punctured. He has several broken ribs. He's bleeding…and they have to operate to stop the bleeding and start repairing the damage…"
"Is he going to be okay?" Seth demanded. "And the bullet that didn't come out, where is it?"
His father put his hands on his shoulders, steadying them both. "He's got the best doctors. The bullet…lodged in his spine."
"His spine…" Seth repeated blankly.
"There's a possibility he could be paralyzed…but the doctors say…he's got a good chance of making it back to us intact…we have to hold onto that…"
"His spine?"
"Sandy. Sit down. You've been pacing for hours, you need to sit down."
Sandy blinked and recognized Jimmy Cooper. "Jimmy?"
"Come on, man, you're making me tired, sit down," Jimmy urged.
"It's been too long, they've had him up there too long," Sandy said, allowing Jimmy to lead him to a seat.
"No news is good news," Hailey reassured from nearby. Julie had taken the girls home and Seth was asleep in one of the chairs, unwilling to leave.
"It's been…it's been too long…" Sandy repeated.
"Hailey, get him some coffee," Jimmy said, sitting down beside him. "Sandy, you haven't slept, you're worn out…"
"I'll sleep when I know he's okay…" he glanced at his son. At least Seth was okay.
"Have you considered telling Kirsten? She would want to be here," Jimmy said quietly.
God, he needed his wife. Now more than ever.
"Sandy? Can you give me the number to the clinic? We can at least tell her doctors and if they think she's strong enough, they can tell her, okay? Sandy?"
"What am I going to do, Jimmy?" Sandy whispered. Before he could finish, Seth embraced him tightly.
"Calm down, Dad…let's not lose our cool now…" Seth said.
"Seth…"
"We have to stick together. All right?" Seth whispered, releasing him. "Ryan's going to be all right. He's going to be all right."
Kirsten couldn't sleep. At first, the chills were the worst. Now it was the shakes. Every time she closed her eyes, it hurt. It hurt her more to close her eyes than to keep them open.
She hated this. Hated feeling this way. She knew that if she could just have one drink, she could calm herself down and make all this pain go away.
But that was killing herself. Losing her family. She was losing her family.
If she had to choose between drinking and her family, it wasn't a choice.
She'd do this if it would bring them back to her.
The door opened quietly. "Mrs. Cohen?"
She sat up immediately. The clock said it was after four am, why were they bothering her now? Was it some sort of fucked up part of her treatment.
"Yes?"
"Kirsten, if you don't mind, could you get dressed? The doctor needs to speak with you and give you a quick examination," the lady said.
"Now?" she asked.
The woman nodded and flipped on the light.
She got dressed quickly despite her shakes and sat down on the edge of the small bed to wait.
"Kirsten. I'm sorry to have to wake you so suddenly…" Dr. Nelson said, stepping in.
"I wasn't sleeping," she said quickly.
"The first few days are hard as your body adjusts to being without the alcohol. How are you feeling?" he asked, checking her pulse and shining a light in her eyes.
"As well as can be expected, I guess. It's like a hangover times 100," she admitted. "What's going on?"
"We don't usually allow phone calls for seventy-two hours but sometimes we have to make exceptions. I have some bad news for you."
Bad news? Her father had just died, what other bad news?
"We want you to stay here at the clinic, but under these circumstances, we can't hold you here…"
"What is it?"
"Your husband called. Your foster son has been in an accident, he's in the hospital and…it's possible he might not make it…"
"What?" she gasped.
"He said to tell you that Seth's fine and he's fine…but he wanted you…"
"Can you call me a taxi? What hospital? What happened to him?" she demanded, standing up and starting to grab her things.
"Mrs. Cohen…"
"You were there, you heard the things I said to him, and now he's dying? You have to let me out of here, now. I have to see him, I have to be with my husband," she demanded.
The doctor nodded. "We understand…"
"Can I call him? Tell him I'm coming?"
"Sure, we'll bring your phone and things…I hope that you'll stay sober…"
"I'm sorry, Doctor, but having a drink is the last thing on my mind right now," Kirsten replied, stuffing things into her bag.
"Mr. Cohen? We've moved Ryan to recovery and then we're going to get him settled in ICU…" the doctor said, walking in.
"Is he okay?" Sandy asked, getting to his feet.
"He's not out of the woods. There was a lot of damage internally and he lost a lot of blood…"
"But he's alive, right?" Seth asked. "You wouldn't be putting him in ICU if…"
"We've stabilized him. He's holding his own. He's on a respirator for the time being and we're keeping him in a medicated coma so he won't move around before the swelling goes down…"
"Is he…" Seth couldn't finish his sentence but the doctor read his face.
"There's a chance he may be paralyzed, we won't know until he regains consciousness. We didn't remove the bullet, it would have only damaged it more, but we did insert a couple of screws in his spine to help with the healing process…"
"Wait." Seth waved his hand to stop the doctor's spiel. "You left the bullet in him? What the hell kind of doctor are you? My brother's got a bullet in his back and you just left it there?"
"Seth…" Sandy said, trying to calm him down.
"No, dad, I want to see him, I don't trust any of these quacks with him, now they're keeping him asleep and they don't even know if he's…"
"Seth. Just calm down," Sandy said sternly. "The doctors know what they're doing."
"I assure you that we've done everything that we can for him. He's a tough kid. If you'd like to see him for a few minutes, we'll have it arranged…"
"Can't we stay with him?" Sandy asked.
"Once he's in ICU, it won't be a problem, but while he's in recovery, we don't want a lot of people around him, okay?"
Sandy nodded as the doctor left. He turned to Seth.
"Bullet in his back, what the fuck, Dad?"
"It would have hurt him more if they'd taken it out, Seth, last I checked you weren't a surgeon…I have to trust them because I don't know anything about how to help him right now…" Sandy said.
"I know, Dad…it just seems wrong…to leave it there…it's going to bother him enough, the whole Trey stuff, he doesn't need to have something permanently reminding him that his brother shot him."
"He's always going to remember, Seth…" Sandy sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"I know…did you talk to Mom?"
"She's coming. Jimmy's gone to get her."
"How's she doing?" Seth asked.
"I don't know. I haven't talked to her," Sandy admitted. "I just know she's coming…"
"You think she's going to be able to handle this?"
"I hope so."
Kirsten followed Jimmy into the waiting room. They'd stopped by the house to get Sandy and Seth some fresh clothes and Rosa had made a care basket with food and drinks for them.
Jimmy had filled her in on what he knew but she had to see for herself.
Ryan shot. Twice. Bullet in his spine. He was still in surgery when Jimmy had arrived to get her.
She couldn't wrap her head around it. Her dad's funeral. The intervention. Now this. How much was her family expected to take?
They couldn't lose Ryan. Not before she had a chance to apologize for what she'd said to him. He was a member of her family and she'd treated him like hired help.
He was such a good kid. He'd been so hurt and she hadn't considered that she wouldn't have a chance to apologize. She should have learned that from her father. Don't say things you can't take back.
"Hi, honey," Hailey greeted her with a hug. "You okay?"
"I want to know everything. Where's Sandy?" she asked, returning her hug.
"He's sitting with Ryan. I'll show you," she said, taking her hand.
"How awful do I look?"
"I doubt they care right now, honey, they'll just be glad to see you," Hailey smiled. "He's in ICU so one of them is going to have to step out, they only let two members in with him."
"So…the surgery…"
"They say it's still touch and go, but…he made it through the surgery and that's really good…"
Kirsten turned to her sister. "He…they really thought he wasn't going to make it?"
Hailey lowered her gaze with a nod. "Seth's pretty shaken up. He rode in the ambulance with him…and they had to revive him a few times…are you sure you're up for this?"
"I won't lose them, Hailey. I'll be okay. Are you sticking around?"
"They'll have to tear me away," she said. "Prepare yourself."
Kirsten nodded and knocked softly on the door. After a moment, Seth opened it. He smiled sadly and wrapped his arms around her.
"Hey, mom…"
"Seth…are you all right?"
"I'm fine. You?" he asked.
"Fine, Seth, don't worry about me…" she said as they separated.
"I'll give you guys some time," Seth said. "Dad's been asleep for a while, he's going to be glad to see you."
Kirsten saw her husband for the first time, his chair pulled up close to the hospital bed. His head was leaned back in the uncomfortable chair and his face was tense even in sleep. Her eyes drifted to Ryan. He was on a respirator and had tubes and IVs everywhere. She shuddered, seeing his damaged face. What the hell had happened?
She stepped inside and approached the bed.
He looked so young. Fragile. Broken.
She had no idea when she'd met him that she'd end up loving him so much.
She put her hand on Sandy's shoulder and he woke up immediately, glancing around.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Hey," he said, standing up and kissing her softly.
"Not really the way I wanted to come home to you," she said.
"I know," Sandy nodded sadly.
"What's the latest?"
"They're keeping him unconscious…for his own good. We won't know anything until he wakes up and that's going to be a few days…I just…I can't leave him," Sandy whispered.
"We won't leave him. How are you holding up?" she asked.
He sat down and held out his arm so she could settle on his lap. "I missed you so much…"
It was three days before Ryan woke up for the first time.
He was off the ventilator but still had oxygen attached to his nose. IVs still trailed from his veins. Nurses still came by every fifteen minutes to check on him.
He was still in ICU.
Sandy was stirring his coffee absently and talking to Ryan. It was a nervous habit he'd developed in the past few days. "Dr. Kim said that she had no problem letting you take your finals this summer, I know that's not going to make you very happy, but it sure gave her a smile. Seems she really does enjoy taunting her students like Seth always said. Seth finally decided to go home and take a shower, I'm sure that all the nurses are going to give thanks for that…" he stopped when he saw Ryan trying to lift his right hand. He'd been restrained to keep him from moving too much. "Ryan?"
Ryan didn't say anything but his face wrinkled in irritation. His fingers started to grasp at the sheet as he tried to free himself.
"Ryan, wait, just wait…I'll get the nurse and see about taking those nasty things off, we need you to be still, okay?" He buzzed for the nurse and took Ryan's hand.
"Sandy?" Ryan's voice was barely a whisper.
"I'm here…"
"Where?"
"Open your eyes, Ryan," Sandy urged. He was moving his hand, he could move his hand…
Finally, Ryan's eyelids fluttered and he opened his eyes. He blinked and focused on Sandy. "Hey."
"Hey yourself," Sandy smiled.
"You look like hell," Ryan rasped.
"Sorry, just be glad I don't have a mirror because you look much worse. How do you feel?"
"Tied up," Ryan muttered, glancing at the offending restraint. "Legs tied, too?"
Sandy opened his mouth to respond but he saw Ryan's foot move under the blanket and he couldn't stop from crying.
"Oh, god, kid…" he managed, smiling as Ryan stared at him.
"Sandy, don't cry," Ryan said, more confused.
The nurse came in and immediately ushered Sandy into the hallway so she could check over Ryan.
"Sandy?" Kirsten rushed up, startled that he was outside the room.
"He's awake, he's awake, Kirsten…" he said, hugging her.
"What did he say?"
"He's pissed off that he's tied down but he moved his foot, Kirsten…he's not paralyzed, at least I don't think so…" Sandy said, tears still running down his cheeks.
"What are you doing out here?" she asked.
The doctor appeared, giving them a patient smile and disappearing into the room.
"They kicked me out…" Sandy explained. Kirsten's color had returned in the past few days, while the rest of them seemed to be getting more frayed, she seemed to be coming back to herself. The withdrawal had been tough but she'd made it through and spending all her time at the hospital was distracting her from drinking.
After several minutes of pacing, the nurse stepped out with a smile. "You can come in now…"
Sandy had thought Ryan was pissed off when he left, but he could tell he was pissed off now. He was glaring at the doctor as he was preparing a long syringe.
"Honey, it's so good to see you awake," Kirsten smiled, tears coming to her eyes, too.
Ryan raised his recently freed hand and shook his head slightly. "No more crying until somebody tells me what the hell is going on. And you need to watch where you're pointing that thing," he said to the doctor.
Sandy laughed despite himself. He'd expected Ryan to be at least a little bit sluggish after being asleep for three days, but he was alert and feisty.
"This should help relax you. The neurologist is going to come in and give you a full exam before we give you any more pain medicine…" the doctor said, sliding the syringe into his IV. "Remember what we said about staying still, you're wearing a brace and we know that it's uncomfortable but it's necessary, okay?"
Ryan glanced at Sandy questioningly. "Did I wreck the car or something, because all this…can't be good…" he motioned to the monitors.
"It'll be a little while before the neurosurgeon gets here," the doctor said, giving them privacy.
"Ryan…how do you feel?" Sandy asked, approaching the bed.
"Like I'm in the twilight zone," he grimaced, raising his hand to his face to shield his eyes from the light above him. "What happened?"
"Just relax, kid, we'll fill you in…"
"You both were crying, how do expect to relax with stuff like that going on?" Ryan asked, still agitated.
"Okay, kid," Sandy said, sitting down in the chair. "Why don't you tell us what you remember? The last thing you remember?"
Ryan was silent, thinking. He glanced at Kirsten. "You shouldn't be here…"
"Family emergency…" she stammered.
His eyes darkened suddenly. "Where's Trey? Is Marissa okay? Is Seth okay?"
Sandy knew he remembered. "Marissa and Seth are fine…"
"And Trey?"
"I'm sorry, honey…he didn't make it," Kirsten said.
Ryan nodded but kept his face expressionless. "So why the tears and the general freak-out? How long have I been here? What's wrong with me? When can I go home?"
Sandy opened his mouth to answer but Seth chose that moment to return. "Here I am, freshly showered and ready for my turn…"
"Finally, Seth, can you tell me what's going on? Your folks are acting all shady," Ryan said.
"Dude, you're awake, that's awesome…" Seth grinned. His smile dropped and he glanced at his parents apprehensively. "How are you…feeling and all?"
"Now you're acting all shady. What is it?"
"Ryan…" Sandy started, making sure Ryan was listening. "One of the bullets lodged in your spine…that's the reason for the brace and why you have to stay so still, they don't know exactly what's going to happen when the swelling goes down…but you're doing great so far…"
Ryan's eyes were clearly processing the information. "You thought I was paralyzed?"
"Dude, the bullet…it didn't come out…you…you're really lucky, man…I thought you weren't going to make it," Seth admitted. "I…you just have no idea how happy we are to hear you talking to us and…moving and stuff…"
"Yeah…not that I can really move all that much," Ryan said, calmer and more pensive now as he shifted slightly in bed. "But that explains why my back is hurting so much…but I don't think I'm paralyzed…"
"You're going to be fine…are you in a lot of pain?" Kirsten asked, shifting from her relief to motherly.
"You probably don't want to know…" he sighed, finally relaxing enough to show them how panicked he'd been.
The neurologist came in with his nurses and they barely got to tell Ryan that they'd be outside before they were shooed into the hallway.
"Well, he's certainly…alert," Kirsten said.
"But…he's not paralyzed and alert! I'll take grumpy Ryan over unconscious Ryan any day," Seth grinned.