The Ratcatcher sped through the streets of St. Canard, spraying water from the puddles left over from the previous night's thunder storm. It's driver, the Daring Duck of Mystery himself, and his sidekick Launchpad, didn't bother obeying petty speed limit laws as they raced toward the local generator factory. They had gotten an anonymous tip that it was in the process of being robbed, and no time could be wasted and giving the criminals a chance to escape.
Nearing the large building, Darkwing easily spotted the peculiar, and all-too-familiar vehicle parked out front.
"That's Megavolt's car! I should've known he was behind this! Who else would steal a generator, than that power-hungry Megavolt!"
The bike skidded to a halt around the side of the building, and Darkwing hopped off the bike and made his way to one of the high windows, climbing up the stack of crates underneath the window sill.
Peering through the window, Darkwing had a clear view of a good portion of the factory, and low and behold, the notorious dastardly duo, Megavolt and Quackerjack, were in the process of lugging a good-sized generator towards the door. They weren't moving very quickly, and even with each of them on opposite ends, the immense weight of the thing was evident by the look of strain and discomfort on their faces.
"I don't think so; no one steals factory equipment on MY watch..." the masked mallard mumbled dangerously, although there was no one around to hear him but a stray cat.
"I've got to get in there! But how..." questioned DW, scratching his chin.
"Uh, how 'bout you use the door, DW?" said LP from the ground. Darkwing let out a startled yelp, jumped and almost fell off the ledge. He glared daggers at his sidekick, who smiled sheepishly and shrugged.
"It was only a suggestion..." LP offered. Darkwing continued to scowl.
"Sshhh! Would you PLEASE be QUIET, LP?" DW hissed. "I am TRYING to be stealthy here!" His big lug of a sidekick looked surprised and slapped both of his hands over his own bill for a second.
"Oops, sorry, DW! I guess usin' the door wouldn't be very stealthy, would it? Eh heh heh. I've never been good at all this sneakin' around stuff." Launchpad apologized, in a hushed tone this time. Darkwing smiled and puffed out his chest some.
"Naturally. That's why I'M the Daring Duck of Mystery, and you're-" the caped crusader watched his friend's posture and face droop.
"Aaand, and you're my super-awesome sidekick, who I appreciate very, very much. Now, go around to the door in case they try and make a run for it." issued Darkwing. Launchpad straightened instantly, a big grin lighting up his face.
"You bet, DW! I'm on it!" he assured with a quick salute, before dashing away. The masked mallard sighed and turned his attention back to inside the building.
The generator had been set down about half way to the door, and the two villains seemed to be having a conversation. It looked to DW more like an argument, by the way they were gesturing wildly with their arms as they spoke, but the crime fighter knew that didn't suggest much with those two loonies.
Darkwing pressed his face and hands to the glass, still pondering on how to sneak up on them without using the oh-so-obvious door, as the bottom of the pane rotated inward from the weight, and the duck found himself plummeting to the floor of the factory before he knew what was happening.
There was a dull 'THUD' as he hit the floor. "Well... that works..." muttered the mallard, sitting up groggily. Shaking off the pain quickly, Darkwing got to his feet and dusted himself off. 'So much for being stealthy, though...' he thought to himself. He readied himself for a confrontation with the two villains, but relaxed some as he seen they were still preoccupied with each other and hadn't noticed his clumsy entrance after all.
Now that he was inside, Darkwing could tell they were definitely arguing. They both seemed to be yelling at each other at the same time, each trying to yell louder than the other in a rather childish manner. It was impossible to make out what either of them were saying, but both seemed determined to win this particular argument. Megavolt's plug hat was sparking dangerously, and Quackerjack's fists were clenched tightly in anger.
The masked mallard shook his head and tut-tutted. He could never understand why these two criminally insane individuals insisted on teaming up so often. It was obvious they couldn't stand each other most of the time, and spent more time bickering than villaining. Oh, well, thought Darkwing. It made HIS job all that much easier.
There was a sharp hissing sound as a cloud of blue smoke began to form and spread. The childish arguing came to an abrupt halt, and the two villains gasped and spun around as a familiar voice rose up from it.
"I, am the terror, that FLAPS in the night!" a dark shadow could be seen through the thick smoke.
"I, am the time-out that RUINS your dastardly delinquent doings!" the purple-cladded crusader stepped out from the now dissipating smoke.
"I AM-"
"Ah, Darkwing Duck! We had a feeling you'd show up and ruin our fun, ya big fat fuddy-duddy!" chided Quackerjack.
"In fact, we were counting on it! Aheheheheeeh!" added Megavolt. Before Darkwing could question just what exactly they had meant by that, or whine about them ruining his big entrance speech, the electrical genius had pulled out a small metal device that was completely featureless, other than a large red button protruding from the top. Darkwing was suddenly filled with alarm; he'd witnessed enough inventions of horror and destruction made by this dastardly duo, and every one of them spelled trouble for anyone involved. There was no telling what this seemingly harmless box could do. That is, until Megavolt told.
"Behold; the Destructo-Basher-Bot 3000!" Megavolt exclaimed. Quackerjack grinned widely beside him.
"We thought the numbers on the end made it even better somehow." said the Jester. Megs gave him a side-glare.
"Right... as I was saying. With one push of this button, this simple box will TRANSFORM into a hulking, twenty-foot tall DEATH machine, geared to do one thing... and one thing only; destroy Darkwing!" the rodent finished with another mad cackle, his partner in crime joining him in his glee.
Darkwing swallowed his already dissipating fears, which was something he'd gotten pretty good at over the years, and raised his gas gun. "Oh, yeah? Well it'll take MORE than a simple toy to do Darkwing in, rodent. Suck gas, you demented duo!" he recited confidently, and pulled the trigger. The two villains actually flinched, but nothing happened when the trigger was pulled. The masked mallard's face dropped as he pulled the trigger repeatedly, but to no effect. Realization dawned on him and he opened the chamber on his gun, only to find it empty.
"Eh heh heh... well, would ya look at that. I forgot to refill it." Darkwing squeaked. Quackerjack barked laughter at the hero's mistake. "Y'know, Darkwing, I always figured you'd be the type to shoot blanks." the childish toymaker said smartly. This received a chuckle from the villain beside him.
"Say bye-bye, Darkwing DORK!" called Megavolt, about to press the button. Suddenly Quackerjack turned sharply to his partner in crime, the bell at the end of his hat accidentally smacking Megavolt in the face. "HEY! Watch it!" growled the rat, but it went ignored.
"Waaaiit, how come YOU get to press the button, Megavolt? I wanna do it!" the jester reached for the device, but it was pulled away quickly.
"No way, I was the one who made it, so I get to push the button!" was Megavolt's reply. Quackerjack's eyes narrowed in anger and he reached for it again, but the rodent once again evaded the grabbing hands.
"Yeah well I'M the one who designed it, so gimmie!" whined the jester. Another grab, another miss.
"No!"
All at once, Quackerjack seemed to give up, standing to the side wearing an angry pout with his arms crossed stubbornly over his chest. He glared at Megavolt when he stuck his tongue out at him in victory. Suddenly the toy maker's face lit up and his frown disappeared as it was replaced by a devious grin. In a flash, Quackerjack had Megavolt pinned up against the nearest wall, or as best as he could with the electrically-charged villain's battery pressed up against the wall instead of his back.
Meanwhile, Darkwing had used this time he had been given to re-load his gun, and was about to try his luck again in gassing the no-good crooks, but stopped when he saw what the two were doing now. The way it looked to him, Quackerjack had his team mate up against a wall, most likely ready to give him a black eye or two. Darkwing couldn't believe it. He'd seen the two argue before, and even get into shoving, zapping, slapping and at one time, even biting fights before, but never anything to THIS extent. And he had never seen the jester get so up and personal about anything not related to Whiffle Boy. Megavolt must have done or said something preeetty devilish to have the demented toy maker act THIS way. Perhaps he wouldn't have to put these two out of commission tonight; they very well may do it themselves, Darkwing thought to himself. He stood and watched with an only mildly guilty sense of intrigue.
Megavolt was furious. Flashbacks of being bullied back in High School flooded back to him. He was angry that Quackerjack would he heartless enough to try physically threatening him over something as trivial as 'who gets to press the button'.
"Get OFF of me!" he growled, raising his left hand as it started to spark in warning. Quackerjack just grinned, and took hold of Megavolt's wrist. The sparking stopped as the jester began to caress Megavolt's palm gently with his thumb. The electrical rodent's expression changed from angry to one of surprised realization as the jester's 'argument' tactics became clear, and he flushed.
"Ah ah, now now! We wouldn't want anything, ohhh, I don't know, embarrassing to happen, would we? And right in front of Darkwing Duck, no less? Hmm?" Quackerjack cooed, rubbing his large bill back and forth against Megavolt's nose, in an odd sort of 'eskimo-kiss', and at the same time giving his partner in crime a look that sent shivers down his spine.
"N-no..." Megs squeaked.
"Oh, goood! Hehe! Then I guess we'd better have ME press the button, hmm?"
"...Uh-huh."
"Goody!" and with that, Quackerjack swiped the device away from Megavolt with no trouble at all, let Megavolt go and began walking back towards their caped crusader, who was still, for some reason, standing there.
"Now, where were we? Ohh yes! Say bye-bye Dar- MPH!" the toy maker's threat was cut off as a gas-canister collided with his bill and exploded, engulfing him in a choking cloud of thick smoke.
Quackerjack choked and coughed on the fog as it invaded his senses. Even his eyes were burning and watering. Darn that Darkwing! The jester pulled out a paddleball from one of his deep pockets and swiped it in wide arches to clear the air around him. When the air was finally cleared and the burning subsided some, Quackerjack stood there, rubbing his sore bill with his free hand.
"Ooohh Darkwing!" growled the jester angrily. "You don't play fair..." he finished in a childishly whiny tone. By this point, Megavolt had pulled himself together and was once again standing beside his partner in crime.
"Since when do YOU care about playing fair, Quackerjack?" Darkwing replied coolly. The two villains looked around and spotted Darkwing standing proudly atop a stack of crates, tossing their device up and down in his right hand. Quackerjack gawked for awhile, then looked down to realize that his hand that wasn't holding the paddleball was indeed empty now.
"Heey!" Megavolt and Quackerjack cried in unison.
"That's ours!" whined Megavolt.
"Give it baaack!" demanded Quackerjack.
Darkwing sighed and shook his head. "I don't think so, Chuckles. Playtime's OVER for you t- WHOA!" The masked mallard ducked just in time to avoid an electrical charge to the face.
"You'll have to do better than THAT, Sparky!" Darkwing spat back, drawing out the hated nickname teasingly. Megavolt's plug hat began to spark wildly.
"OHH! DON'T CALL ME THAT!" screamed the enraged rodent, letting loose more bolts of electricity at Darkwing. The caped crusader dodged every one of them masterfully, succeeding in irking the assaulting super-villain further. That was, until Darkwing leaned a bit too far to the left, causing the crate he'd been standing on to teeter, and then crash to the ground with the rest of the stack, and Darkwing himself right behind them.
While normally, the two villains in the room would have found a certain kind of dark glee in seeing the troublesome crime-fighter ousted by his own antics like that, both of them were more transfixed on the device that had escaped his grasp in the fall and was now flipping through the air. Quackerjack and Megavolt both scrambled to catch the small machine, but only succeeded in getting in each other's way, and they ended up on the floor in a heap as they watched it hit the ground, bounce back up, down, up, and down... finally landing button-side-down.
A shaky hand rose up from the pile of crates, and the rest of the mildly battered hero followed. He managed to pull himself out from the rubble, dazed but otherwise okay.
"Wheeeh... I meant, to do that." he wheezed, to no one but himself. He was snapped out of his daze soon enough as he watched in horror and disbelief as the tiny box began to unfold into the hulking, twenty-foot tall death machine Megavolt had promised.
The hulking death-bot loomed over Darkwing menacingly. The mallard gulped as the 'bot scanned the room, and finally locked onto him. The eyes lit up with a sick teal glow.
"TARGET. FOUND. DARKWING...DUCK. DESTROY. DARKWING DUCK. DESTROY. DARKWING DUCK." the monster boomed in a metallic, monotone voice.
There came a victorious cheer from the villainous duo, followed by a short bout of mad laughter, as they watched the scene unfold.
"Have fun playing with your new toy, Darkwing DUNCE!" called Quackerjack.
"Don't you mean, Darkwing DONE-for?" sneered Megavolt, bringing on another bout of mad cackling from both of them. They were still laughing as they picked up the stolen generator and again began making their way to the door.
Meanwhile, our Daring Duck of Mystery had more important things to worry about than a stolen generator. Namely, himself, and the twenty-foot-tall death machine that was currently threatening his very life with a charging arm gun pointed inches from his face.
Fear held Darkwing in place, but luckily he snapped to just in time to dive out of the way, as a tremendous blast of energy shot out and reduced the pile of crates to nothing more than raining splinters. The machine took a few moments to adjust his target again, before letting loose another blast, which Darkwing barely avoided.
The caped crusader's heart was beating wildly in his chest as he ran, jumped, dove and rolled to escape being blasted by the assaulting metallic monster. It wasn't until Darkwing had managed to get behind the 'bot that he spotted it's weakness.
The robot's immense size made it heavy and slow. It took a good two minutes for it to get turned around all the way. Or, it would have if Darkwing was dumb enough to actually just stand there for that long. Instead, the masked mallard sprung into action, and onto the hulking beast, scurrying up it's form until he reached the upper back, where the service hatch was conveniently located.
Meanwhile, the BasherBot continued to scan the room for it's target, while Darkwing pried open the hatch. Peering inside he found a mess of red, blue, green and white wires. Shrugging, the crime fighter reached in and began ripping out wires blindly. After a short while, the torso of the bot began spinning rappidly, causing Darkwing to go flying across the room, where he collided with the factory wall, before sliding down to the floor, dazed.
The mechanical monster stopped spinning and it's eyes changed to a menacing red glow.
"DESTROY- DESTROY- DESTROY- DESTROY-!" boomed the now defective machine. Darkwing gulped from his spot on the floor.
"Aheh heh... whoopsie."
The fleeing villains both gasped and picked up the pace as the monstrosity began going haywire, seemingly shooting at random around the factory. Cement from the ceiling and other shrapnel and debris rained down all around.
The sudden movement triggered the bot's internal motion detectors, and it began trudging after the villainous duo. To make matters worse, ten feet from the door, Launchpad appeared in the doorway, intent on performing his duty and NOT letting them escape.
Megavolt and Quackerjack looked from the bot, back to LP. The bot, back to LP. What else could they do? Dropping the generator, the two made a dash for the door, planning on bulldozing the big lug out of the way, but not quite quick enough. The hulking mechanical monster reached out and plucked both of them up off the ground by the back of their shirts with ease, one in each hand.
"KILL- KILL- KILL-" Megavolt and Quackerjack screamed and began to plead for help. Darkwing saw his chance, and fired a gas canister up into the air, activating the sprinkler system, drenching everything in the factory within seconds.
There was a loud 'BZZZT' sound and screams of pain as the electrical rodent shorted out, electrocuting both the BasherBot and Quackerjack in the process.
The bot's monotonous declarations of DESTROY began to wind down and slow until it stopped all together, falling over backwards like a ton of bricks. The two villains fell at it's sides, too dazed and hurt to bother trying to get up.
~0~0~0~0~0~
Later that night, after the police had finished questioning Darkwing about what had happened, and complaining about how much damage he had ended up causing, the masked mallard's mind drifted to the earlier encounter.
Suddenly something hit him as strange. He hadn't taken much notice of it before, but now that he had time to think about it, it was strange, indeed. Of all the years he had known Megavolt, he had never seen the super-charged villain back down so easily. And from Quackerjack, no less? Why, the mad mallard had reduced Megavolt to a quivering pushover with a few words! How very peculiar, unless...
"Ah HAH!" Darkwing exclaimed out loud, pointing at the sky for no apparent reason.
"I've got it! It's blackmail! It HAS to be! That crazy clown must have some devious dirt on my old foe... What a dastardly thing to do! That's horrible! What ever happened to that honor among thieves, mumbo jumbo, anyhow? … I wonder what he knows?"
"Who're ya talkin' to, DW?" questioned Launchpad, walking up behind him. Darkwing leered at his sidekick.
"Never mind, LP!" he spat. "Go gas up the Ratcatcher, would ya? I'll be right there. I have a stool pigeon to pluck." he finished smartly. Launchpad shrugged.
"If you say so, DW."
The police van that contained Megavolt and Quackerjack was still parked outside the factory, as the police were still finishing up taking survey of just how much was damaged. Darkwing managed to slip up to the back of the van, hop up on the back bumper, and peer inside, holding onto the metal bars to keep his balance.
Inside, Megavolt and Quackerjack sat handcuffed on opposite sides of the cab, on hard wooden benches, both glaring at the floor and not saying a word. Darkwing cleared his throat loudly.
The looks he got from the two criminals was enough to make a person's blood run cold. He pulled at the collar of his shirt nervously before clearing his throat a second time and regaining his composure.
"Oh, what do YOU want?" whined Quackerjack.
"Haven't you caused us ENOUGH pain and suffering for one evening?" barked Megavolt. Darkwing ignored Megavolt and set his gaze on Quackerjack.
"Almost. Hey Quackerjack, can I... ask ya somethin'?" the masked mallard asked in a hushed tone. The jester gave him a suspicious look, then smiled wide and stood up.
"Well suuure, Darkwing!" he said, a bit too brightly. In a flash he was inches from the crime fighter's face. Darkwing almost fell off the back of the van.
"Whaddya wanna know? I might be able to tell ya... if you do something for me." said Quackerjack. It was Darkwing's turn to provide the suspicious look this time.
"...What kind of... something?" he asked, cautiously. The toy maker's sizable set of teeth glistened in the moonlight as his grin widened even farther.
"How's about you let us go? Just this ONE time? Hmm? Whaddya say?" tried the jester. Darkwing recoiled like he'd been slapped.
"WHAT? NO I won't let you GO! No way, no how! Nuh-uh! NEVER! ForGET it! Listen here, you maniacal mischief maker, all I wanna know is, HOW did you get Megavolt to give you that controller so easily earlier? What IS it he doesn't he want me to find out!"
The toy maker's eyes widened in surprise and after a moment let out a mad bray of laughter.
"THAT'S what you wanted to know?" he blurted between giggles. Darkwing glared and scowled.
"Yes! That's what I want to know!" he shouted. Quackerjack leaned in again.
"You really wanna know?"
"Yes!"
"You reeaaally, really wanna know?"
"Yes yes YES! Just TELL me already!"
After a moment of thought, the jester stepped back from the bars, and folded his arms over his chest the best he could while wearing handcuffs. "Well, too bad. I'm not telling. Nya!" he responded in a childish manner, sticking out his tongue.
"What? Oh, come on! Why-"
"WHY tell you... when I'd rather shoooow you?" Quackerjack interrupted, turning towards his partner in crime, who had up until that point resigned himself to glaring at the floor in silence again. Now he looked up at the crazy jester, a questioning look on his face.
Darkwing watched in horror as Quackerjack straddled the rodent's lap, leaned in and pressed his bill forcefully to Megavolt's lips in a deep kiss.
Megavolt fought it at first, his eyes straining to look to see if Darkwing was still there, trying to complain through a mouth full of duck tongue, his face flushing a deep red. Quackerjack took a hold of each side of Megavolt's head, and used the leverage the deepen the kiss farther, and the rodent stopped fighting. Eyes closed, and the both began to moan softly.
At that moment, the van began to drive away, kicking Darkwing off the back of it. The masked mallard lay there in the dirt, on his back, unblinking. As the van sped away, Quackerjack's voice carried far enough for Darkwing to hear,
"Hey Megsy... have we ever done it in the back of a police van?"
The only thing louder than Darkwing Duck's psyche shattering was the rising scream that clawed it's way out of the masked mallard's throat, resounded off the factory wall, and echoed all through St. Canard.
The End.