Title: Results and Consequences

Rating: T

Characters: Sebastian Smythe, Nick Warbler

Summary: Sebastian is awaiting his last grade from finals and when he does, the results screw with his mind in a way he hasn't experienced in a long time. Warnings inside. Part of my Second Chance verse.

Warnings: Mention of self-harm (both past and present), mention of suicide attempt

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or these characters, I'm still not cool enough with only my lame high school degree (which isn't even called a degree here).

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RESULTS AND CONSEQUENCES

Sebastian was nervous. He'd been wringing his hands whenever he had a spare moment. He couldn't remember the last time he ate proper food. The aching itch of an urge had been stuck in his arms for weeks now and he was losing it. Nick had been keeping an eye on him and they'd talked a few times but nothing stopped the anxiety that was tearing him apart from inside out.

It was the end of year and they had just finished finals. The gruelling wait for results was now in progress and Sebastian could feel himself going insane with every passing second and refresh of his email inbox. Nick was out buying dinner or celebrating or something, Sebastian hadn't listened. He tried flipping through magazines, playing games on his phone, watching television – he just wasn't focusing right now.

With one more click of the "refresh" button, Sebastian finally felt some of the anxiety dissipate before it came back with a vengeance as he saw the email from one of his professors.

He sat down and pulled his laptop onto his knees, hovering the mouse over the link to the email. He took several deep breaths and swallowed hard before he clicked, watching as the page loaded before he began quickly scanning through the jumble of meaningless drivel for his grade.

97%

Sebastian exhaled without realising it, only breathing again when his lungs began to burn, screaming for oxygen. He refocused his eyes on the email, making sure that it really said what his brain had interpreted. At the bottom of the email was a note from his professor:

Good job. All that studying paid off. Very proud of you.

Sebastian felt himself blush slightly. No one had said they were proud of his academic efforts in a long time. Part of him told himself that he deserved it – he'd almost died before receiving a new liver at the start of the semester anyway. He closed the window with a shake of his head before he got up and headed into the bedroom.

Glancing around, he wasn't entirely sure why he'd gone in there. He glanced around, running his fingers back through his hair before the voice in his head whispered.

He could have sent it to the wrong person. You didn't study as hard as you could have. He's probably realised his mistake and is sending an apology with your real results as we speak.

"Shut up," Sebastian whispered to himself, shaking his head and rubbing his cheek before he set about shoving clothes back into their drawers if only to distract himself from the voices.

When the floor was visible in the bedroom, Sebastian tried having a nap. He tossed and turned beneath the sheets so he kicked them off. He couldn't get comfortable so he settled for walking around the apartment. He went back to wringing his hands.

What if the voices were right? What if the professor had made a mistake? What if the college had made a mistake by accepting him in the first place? He'd never gotten such a high grade in his life – not since elementary school when they'd done a test on telling the time. And that didn't really count for anything. What if it had been a fluke? A hoax? Maybe he was a fraud…

Sebastian collapsed back onto the couch, his head falling into his hands as he curled his fingers and pulled on his hair just enough for it to hurt. The pain didn't take away the rising fear or the already present anxiety. He hadn't crumbled this quickly in a long time. He let his arms fall as he looked up, tears pricking the backs of his eyes as he worried his lower lip between his teeth and tried to find a distraction.

He couldn't cave. Not after everything everyone had done for him. Not since everything had been going so well.

But it had all been so close. He'd been so close to what he had been chasing for so long and then they pulled him away from it again. Sebastian was grateful to the doctors and nurses and Nick for saving him but he'd been so close to never having to feel again. Being alive had its moments and being with Nick was more than he could ever ask for. But feeling alone and isolated and inadequate and like it was all some act of fraudulence made it so much harder to cope.

Sebastian knew he was dissociating but he couldn't pull himself out of it. His hands felt tingly and he moved without thinking about it. Sounds echoed around him as if they were coming from miles away and everything he touched felt alien and dulled. Some noise that was louder almost broke through the haze surrounding him and he felt himself shiver before someone slapped something out of his hands.

There was a loud voice near his ear that slowly became crisper and as Sebastian searched for whomever it belonged to, a sharp pain crept along his nerves.

"Ow…" he managed before his eyes finally focused and he found Nick leaning over him, hands gripped around Sebastian's wrist.

"Seb, can you hear me? What happened? Did you get an email from Professor Watkins?" Nick asked, alarmed and not looking up from Sebastian's arm.

"What are you doing, Nick?" Sebastian asked instead.

Nick quickly looked to Sebastian, confusion clouding his features. "Seb, what happened? Have you taken something?"

"N-No… I got the email from my professor, and then I was cleaning the bedroom to distract myself and then … I don't remember," Sebastian frowned as well then. He glanced around to find himself on the floor of the bathroom, leaning back against the bathtub. "Oh god, how did I get in here? I don't remember! I was – I just-" Sebastian looked down at his arms as Nick finally pulled away. Nick's hands were covered in his blood, the dark red staining his shirt and jeans as well. How could he have not noticed himself doing this?

"Don't worry about it, Sebastian. We'll figure this out," Nick murmured as he reached up for a cloth. Sebastian could feel the concern and apprehension radiating from his boyfriend and he didn't know how to react.

If he was dissociating this badly then what did the ensuing summer have in store?

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A/N: This is a little personal… I'm struggling a lot with whether or not I'm actually any good at writing and whether I should just give up altogether and apply for different college courses or not. This was me kind of trying to work through those feelings but it didn't work as well as I'd hoped. I wrote something though so that has to be something. I hope you liked it, there may be more to come for this verse over the next few days, it'll depend on how everything goes. Thanks for reading –Frankie xoxo