A/N - as you can probably tell from the title, this is utter crack. XD Crackpairing inspired by a comic on DA, can't remember the artist. Slight Harry Potter crossover. Very OOC Orochimaru, Kabuto, Voldemort and Wormtail. You have been warned.

"How can I prove my love? You know I love you more than he does!"

The veiled woman glanced at him, clearly upset. "But Orochimaru..."

"No!" The second man edged forward. "He obviously is only infatuated with your hair! But not me. I can give you whatever you desire, as I am the most powerful wizard in the world!"

"Voldemort..." She sounded on the verge of tears.
"He lies!" Orochimaru protested.

"I most certainly do not!"

"But I like you both," the woman said a little faintly. "And you've both been so kind. How can I choose?" Her green hair rustled a little although there was no breeze.

A few feet back, the suitors' right-hand men sighed irritably. Kabuto folded his arms crossly. Wormtail was fidgeting, and glanced at the sky uneasily.

"They've been going at it for days," he complained in a whining voice.

"I know."

"Surely there's some way to get them to stop."

Kabuto looked thoughtful. "Well... there is some myth about her..."

"Yes, I know."

"No - I mean something about true love. If she takes off her veil and nothing happens to Orochimaru-sama..."

"Really? But what if one of them isn't her true love?" Wormtail looked doubtful.

"At least it'd make them shut up," Kabuto pointed out cheerfully.

"True." There was a pause. "Well, if you want totell them, go right ahead."

"I rather think I will."

"... and furthermore, he obviously only wants your help in taking over his world -" Orochimaru broke off with a frown as Kabuto walked up to him. "What do you want?" he said irritably.

"We should be moving on," Kabuto murmured. "We're late for invading Konoha."

"Look, Kabuto. I've just met the girl of my dreams. Konoha can wait, okay?"

"Well... you are wasting a lot of time arguing with Voldemort-sama. There's a way you can prove you're her true love."

"What's that?" Orochimaru grinned eagerly. A terrifying sight.

"Well, she takes off her veil and... if nothing happens to you, you're good."

The veiled woman stiffened. She'd known the same thing, but didn't like to risk it. "What if it doesn't work?"

"I'll risk it for you!" Voldemort declared. "It'll be fine-"

"-because I know we're meant to be, my love!" Orochimaru butted in. Voldemort fumed.

The woman took a deep breath. "O-okay..." She steeled herself, and then raised the veil.

A few minutes passed. Then Medusa promptly burst into tears and threw her veil to the ground in frustration. "Not again!" she cried, stamping her foot. Sighing, she turned and marched away angrily, leaving behind the very surprised-looking statues of Orochimaru and Voldemort.

Kabuto uncovered his eyes, saw the statues, and sighed. "Well, I suppose it was worth a try."

"Pity." Wormtail glanced at him. "Well... now what?"

"Want to go out for ramen and sake?"

"Why not?"

The statues were later discovered by Iruka, who was completely bewildered by his find and couldn't figure out why anyone would carve a statue of Orochimaru, of all people. Even more mysterious were the glasses, moustache and goatee scribbled on the stone shinobi's face.

(As far as the scribbles were concerned, the guilt of a certain spiky-haired blond genin was always suspected but never confirmed, much to his delight.)