AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've almost finished watching the second season of Kimi ni todoke, and my god is it SLOW. But rather than complete the series first, I feel it is necessary to recruit the assistance of someone special to increase the snail-pace speed of this captivating romance. And for this task, I have selected none other than… Kento Miura.

Hopefully you'll know Kimi ni Todoke very well or you might not get all the references. This is just a bit of crack I wrote last year and never had the sanity to post...

"Kento Interferes"

'Come here, Kento,' I say to the second-year student who appears out of nowhere, bewildered and bemused to be a sudden part of this story. 'For you I have a mission, so listen up and listen good…'

Trapped in a headlock, the blond-haired boy has no choice but to listen, or rather, read the subtitles which appear as I talk, since my Japanese is just as good as his English. 'You want me to use my powers of interference to speed up the storyline?' he says, by no means diminishing my eagerness.

'Yes, yes!' I cry, releasing Kento momentarily to strike a pose of complete dedication. 'You're in this series, so you know what it's like!'

He looks thoughtful for a moment, though not entirely comfortable. 'If this is just a dream, then it's really okay,' he mutters, then turns his attention to me with a smile. 'So, how would I speed up the storyline? Everything's finished; there's nothing else to be–'

'WRONG!' I insist, gripping him by the shoulders and fixing him with a stare. Gradually, the background dims and Kento grows slightly blue in the face – he holds up his hand, displaying a thumb and two fingers.

I smile.

'Let's start with Episode Two…'

In Episode Two, Kento Miura makes his entrance, calling Sadako's love rival Kurumi more interesting than she used to be as he walks along the corridor with a nameless comrade…

'To be honest,' the character in question interjects, 'this is probably the worst time for me to interfere…'

'How so,' I demand, pausing this scene in the anime and raising a sceptical brow. 'You could easily grab that dithering Sadako by the shoulders and shove her down the stairs! So it's the PERFECT time to interfere, don't you think?'

'Shove her down the stairs? Th-that's a bit dangerous! Besides, Kuronuma doesn't even know who I am at that point, and while I never get the chance to truly fall in love with her, I'd rather stay as her friend, you know!'

'But Kento, imagine how many episodes this would save us in the long-run! If Kazehaya breaks her fall then she will have no choice but to give him the chocolates! Guilt is a powerful motive!'

Kento shows his stubborn side and becomes an actual mountain.

'Fine. Next episode!'

In Episode Three, Kento notices there is something about Sadako and Kazehaya…

Holding the remote, I say to him, 'Can we skip this episode? Your part in it's very small.'

Kento shrugs. 'Not that I have a choice…'

In Episode Four, Kento volunteers Sadako for a crash course in front of Class 2-D and waits for Kazehaya after school so they can–

'Now wait just a second,' interrupts Kento, red-faced. 'I thought you've watched this series up to Episode Ten?'

I slide across a brightly coloured background and give him the smallest, tiniest nudge. 'Go on, just for me.'

'No way! Nothing in this world will ever make me go that far!'

'What about in Episode Six, beneath that beautiful tree? You made Sadako cry by suggesting Kazehaya loves someone else – why not make that other person you? Kazehaya and Miura. Kento and Shota. Believe me, you two would make a great couple. You're what every romance needs.'

Kento sizzles in the sun of his own imagination, which is struggling to maintain that this is all but a dream. 'More like a nightmare… more like a nightmare…' he murmurs, sweating profusely.

'Well?' I persist. 'What do you say?'

'Not doing it! I like girls!'

'Dear me, what a disappointment… from the end of Episode Three, I had some really high hopes for you.'

'Not happening!'

In Episode–

'Actually, doesn't matter what episode it is, the result is still the same: everyone (with the exception of yourself, Kento) is crap at explanations. Why is this?'

Kento blinks. 'What do you mean, exactly?'

To emphasise my argument, I flick through several scenes where the evidence is strongest. 'You see this scene here, where Sadako and Kazehaya are confessing? She thinks he likes her as a friend while he thinks he's just being a nuisance, but they're both saying the same words to describe how they like each other!'

Kento covers his ears and shuts his eyes. He wants to preserve the couple's privacy yet wishes to know what the hell the loony is on about, so his right eye opens a little then reads the lingering subtitles. 'Wow,' he agrees, 'that's really quite bad. What a really painful moment... poor Sadako-chan, poor Kazehaya-kun!'

I visualise a deep blue ocean before calmly responding, 'Such half-arsed confessions deserve no less.' But Kento barely hears me, so entranced is he by the sequence of poor explanations running one after the other on my laptop.

'Strange… I thought Chizu would have put things much better than that. Sure, she called Sadako stupid for misunderstanding her newfound self-confidence, but she didn't quite explain why Sadako was being stupid… And for some reason, Kurumi seems to be the only one who gets the message through to Sadako, despite how obscurely she put it in the first place…'

'I know! Half-arsed, right?'

'Though Ryu is pretty good, even if he doesn't use as many words as the others.'

'No, he's just as bad. Your worst explanation is far, far superior.'

Kento sweat-drops and edges away from me slightly. 'Are we done now?'

I put him back in a headlock to reinforce the conclusion that we are definitely not done. 'Kento, it has always bothered me that you allowed yourself to be bullied and beaten during Episode Seven. I feel that the author has been really mean and I want more than anything to rectify this injustice!'

'How are you going to do that when you're choking me to death?'

'Sorry, I got carried away there… But you shouldn't let Chizu and Ayane hit you with vending machines! Nor let that bitch Kurumi slap you in the–'

'Kento, wake up! Class is over and you have to go home.'

The blond jerked in his seat, suddenly awake. He looked around, taking in the empty classroom and the concerned expression of his friend standing over him.

Who was that crazy fan girl? Where did she go?

'You don't want to stay here, do you?'

'No,' answered Kento, and gathered his bag.

'Good. Now hurry up before they close this place down.'

They left the classroom and strolled along the corridor in silence.

'By the way, can I ask you a question?' said Kento.

'Sure, go ahead.'

'What episode is this?'

AFTERWORD: Sorry, did you survive?