An Old Ache Renewed
Shinon was still feeling numb, like he had been feeling for the last couple of days. He barely cared what he did, much less where he was-he was in his and Gatrie's tent, though. Luckily, Gatrie would be out at the bars for a while this late evening, no doubt flirting with any women there, so Shinon had the place to himself for some time-which wasn't really a good thing.
He sat alone in silence, the world around him was heavy, his heart was empty feeling, yet so cold, all at once, and he felt both tired and wide awake. While he felt all those things together at once, he also left nothing.
He felt as if the world was slowly fading, like he was falling, like the lights were going out in the already dim light in the tent. He felt...so much...too much...and nothing.
He remembered nothing, and remembered everything. He never felt so much pain in so long. Probably not since...since she died.
He had once promised to not get so close with anyone ever again after her, but somehow he hadn't been able to help it. He had been in pain, he had been in need of help, support, and some sort of love. He'd found all those things, but why? Only to lose it all over again? Why didn't he learn his lesson? No, he had to be daft and open himself up again, like the idiot he was.
Now he'd go back to his shell, hide back in his cave, under his rock until he healed again, until he grew stronger from yet another mistake in his already messed up life.
He remembered the first and only other time he felt this bad. He remembered it too clearly.
There had been yelling, and screaming. She screamed and ran, but she couldn't escape. He couldn't help her, either. He'd been in his room, unaware that he'd lose her that day. Later, though, he'd found her. She had been bleeding, her eyes still open, her body cold and pale with a tint of grey.
At first, he hadn't understood the situation. He'd stared in shock, but soon he had been crying, sobbing, on his knees, wanting to look at her, but also away from her. He'd vomited later at the thought of her body twisted uncomfortably on the cold floor, bleeding out like she had been. Even the thought of it in recent days made him feel sick.
He had began hurting himself later. Why he did so, he'd never really know. Guilt, maybe, of not being able to help her? Maybe it was just to help keep his mind busy.
It'd started out slow. Few cuts here and there, but it got out of hand, and it wasn't enough. Drinking soon followed, since there was always booze at that house...at his home. Getting drunk helped to stop the pain, but he would still hurt himself.
He remembered it like it was yesterday.
Shinon slowly brought the knife down to his scared arm at the memory. He'd promised not to do too often, and he wouldn't, but he needed it tonight.
The cold blade against his skin was a familiar comfort. He pressed down and it cut through the skin a little, enough for it to begin bleeding. He bit his lip in pain, but compared to how he felt, it was dull. His crying subsided as he cut deeper, watching in satisfaction as the blood ran down his arm.
The same thing that had comforted him then, helped him now. Shinon sliced across his upper arm, then he began his second cut, below the first mark. It was so familiar. So...wrong, yet right.
With the alcohol already running through him, a warm feeling in his stomach from it, he started to feel amazing within seconds; the combination of pain mixing with the warm, burning feeling was fantastic, and slightly sickening, all at once; he loved it.
He whimpered quietly, cutting really deep without really meaning to, but hell, he didn't care either. So he kept going, slicing, again and again, his hand making swift movements, the knife gliding over, and then into his skin easily. He was lost in it.
"Shinon..."
Shinon glanced up quickly at his name, his heart hammering in his chest out of fear of being caught, though he wasn't sure why; why would it matter if someone found out?
Standing just inside the tent was Ike. Of course it was Ike. Of course. "What the hell, get out!"
Ike stayed where he was, though, completely unmoving. He didn't even look like he was thinking about it. He was glued to the spot, and his voice was soft (annoyingly so), "Shinon," he said again, walking over now.
Ike was much closer, then he sat down on his knees near him, his eyes understanding, "I know it hurts...but doing this isn't going to help."
"Hah, funny you say that, it's been helping so far." Shinon said carelessly, unsure of what to do now with his knife. Keep going, maybe? Except Ike was staring, and that made him feel weird.
"I thought you were the tough one," Ike mumbled, "Would he want to see you like this? When you're supposed to be strong? Would he want you to be hurting-"
"Shut up!" Shinon yelled at him, "You don't know anything about it! You don't know who he was!"
Hurt flashed clearly in Ike's blue eyes and Shinon felt some sort of satisfaction from it, followed quickly by regret. He wouldn't like that, even if Shinon did speak the truth. Greil's son was Ike, not Shinon. And no amount of dreaming would change the reality of it.
He glanced down, feeling shame wash over him, mixing with his pain, mixing with his anger...it was enough to make him want to scream. And then Ike suddenly reached forward, grabbing the knife from Shinon's hand carefully. Shinon watched, numb, tired, and exhausted as Ike placed the knife aside.
"Look," Shinon began slowly, trying to decide what to say, but Ike interrupted, his voice still kind, "Don't worry about it, Shinon."
Shinon glanced up at him, swallowing uncomfortably. He didn't have words to express his messy emotions. He wasn't sure where he'd even start. Apologize or yell at him for trying to control his life? He was grateful, though. Angry, and sad, and feeling horribly nauseous, but also grateful. In the end, he stayed silent.
And the silence remained for...well, a long time. Shinon didn't even mind the silence, or that Ike was still in his tent for that matter. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he didn't care. It was almost...nice. It was definitely the alcohol.
"Shinon, can I ask you something?" Ike wondered out loud, sitting a little ways off from Shinon, his arms crossed over his knees.
"You already did," Shinon mumbled half-playfully before becoming more serious, "You can...but depending on what it is, I might not answer you."
Ike's blue eyes watched him for a long moment, then he asked quietly, "Why were you..." his voice trailed off.
Shinon had expected that. Of course he had, he wasn't stupid. And yet, he didn't really know how to answer it. He breathed in before exhaling. "I'm not sure. It helps."
"Shinon-" Ike began, but Shinon quickly interrupted him, "I'm not saying it's a good thing, just that...it makes me feel better, at least for the moment."
"Why do it then? If you know it doesn't really fix anything."
"Because when I'm alone," he paused, glaring at the ground, "I can't help it."
It was obvious Ike couldn't relate or understand, but he silently nodded, and the silence stretched out longer this time. Shinon found himself laying on his back with his arms crossed behind his head when he finally spoke again, "I really didn't mean to insult you like that. Well, I meant to, but it was wrong of me. So...you know...I'm sorry."
Ike glanced at him, his blue eyes intense and for a moment, Shinon felt far too vulnerable, like Ike was looking into his eyes and reading his thoughts from there. It was painful, and annoying, and made his anger spark up again, but he tried hard to ignore it.
"It's okay. I understand. Or, I think I do."
Shinon bit his lower lip out of anger. "You don't understand. You can't." Shinon spat with more venom than intended.
Ike was quick to speak up again, surprising him, "Well, I can listen to you, at least...and maybe I can learn to at least understand how you feel, even if I might never feel what you do."
Shinon fell silent, not knowing what to say. Ike was an idiot sometimes. A nice, kind, caring, nosy idiot. And he was about to drive Shinon insane with his sympathy.
"I understand what you mean, though. You hate me, but-"
"I don't hate you." Shinon quickly snapped. If Ike was gonna understand him, he was going to understand it correctly. "I-it's complicated. But I don't hate you, though. I dislike you. And...honestly, I'm jealous of you. You're a dumb brat. But you're...you're Greil's dumb brat."
"I'm sorry." Ike mumbled, glancing down.
"Nah...don't apologize. I just have my problems, doesn't mean it's anyone's fault. Do you...understand that?"
"Yeah. I think so."
Shinon nodded, this time not minding the feeling of giving away too much, of being too honest. Ike deserved to understand Shinon's unfair anger, at least. He could give the kid that much. It would make things easier, anyways.
"Thanks."