Title: Breathe. Just Breathe.
Summary: Moments when Helen have to gently remind herself to breathe. Just breathe.
Author's Notes: Firstly, I would like to warn you there are spoilers from Season one and part of two in this story.
The 'M' rating is just to be on the safe side!
Secondly, I would love to thank both athena2517 and Alrynnas for being awesome beta-readers. Thank you.
Thirdly (and lastly!), I hope that you enjoy this story just as much as I did writing it.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Sadly, the characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show 'Sanctuary'
Breathe. Just breathe.
That was what Helen always had to remind herself. It started 20-odd-years ago—her reminder to stay alive.
Breathe. Just breathe.
The day that she first found herself remembering the need to breathe was when the loneliness became overbearing. The day when she brought the tiny being back to life inside her.
For the first four months, she found herself crying to sleep, not in her own bed but at her desk. She tried to tell herself that the baby was okay; it was alive and it would be in her arms soon but not even the scans that she did could make her believe.
Helen moved aimlessly through the sanctuary with the Big Guy watching and worrying about her every move.
It did not feel real until she felt the baby kick as though it were reminding her that she was no longer alone. From there on, she changed. She found herself breathing effortlessly. Her smiles weren't forced. She fell back in love with her duck-feather pillows on her bed. She even went outside the Sanctuary, buying anything and everything for her baby. Nothing wasn't enough for her reason to live.
Before she knew it, after a quick but painful labour, she was holding a perfect blonde baby in her arms. Her heart swelled and she couldn't quite catch her breath when the baby girl looked at her with those big eyes.
Breathe. Just breathe.
The baby lived without a name for the first week of her life. Nothing was perfect enough. Although she didn't want to admit it out loud, there were certain features in the baby's face that reminded her of John.
Without warning, she found herself thinking about the happier times that she had with John, especially one moment after he asked her to marry him.
"I would like a girl."
"Huh?" Helen was confused. They were just lying on a beautiful meadow, surrounded by buttercups and stars. "But I thought you would want a boy."
"No."
They stayed in silence for a while, thinking. A shooting star went overhead causing a gasp from Helen and a small smile from John.
"Why?"
"Because you are more perfect than I am. I know for a fact that if, when we have a baby, it is a girl, then she will be a double of you. I can live with that."
"I am not perfect, John. You know that."
"I don't, Helen. Besides, I can already see it. You, me, a little girl. A proper little family."
Helen was speechless. She never expected this. Deep in her heart, she too wanted a girl, although she couldn't place the reason why. It just felt right.
"What would you call her?"
"Ashley. Ashley Druitt."
"I love it."
A small cry and the movement in her arms woke Helen up from her daydream. The baby yawned and reach out for her mother's face.
"Hello Ashley."
A happy little sigh and her small hand squeezing around Helen's finger was her only response.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Living became easier now that she had a reason to get out of bed; she had a reason to keep the place running.
Before she knew it, her baby was a toddler. A handful of one at that. She was feeding herself but not without sharing her food with the rest of the room. A cot couldn't keep her in bed. She could easily pull herself over and fall to the other side with a bump. She adored the Big Guy, babbling and chatting with him while he made all the right facial expressions and noises to keep the charade that either of them didn't quite understand going.
Helen supposed that she should count herself lucky that she had been trouble-free for 2 years, 5 months, 1 week and 6 days before Ashley made her heart jump a beat with her first blood-curling scream. It didn't make it any easier though.
She couldn't even remember how she managed to hang up on an important phone call - maybe she didn't - and leaving the room, running as fast as she could down the long hallway. She would have to move to a smaller house.
The toddler was beside herself, sobbing with fear and pain.
"Mommy?"
"Baby, it's okay. I am here. I am here." Helen knelt down in front of Ashley, holding back her anger at the Big Guy who was meant to looking after her baby; she knew it wasn't really his fault. The girl was made for trouble.
"Hurt. Mommy. It hurt."
"I know, sweetie. Can I have a look?"
Ashley held out her arm with a hiccup. Helen gently took the arm, relief washing over her. A small cut surrounded by a bruise. Nothing that required stitches.
"Kiss it better?"
With a smile on her face, she placed a tender kiss onto the wound.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Helen woke up with a jump as she felt something was different in her surroundings.
She had only returned from one of the hardest missions that she had ever been on. Ashley was shocked to see her mother so battered. Helen never knew her daughter to be as quiet as she had been the following evening. Even bedtime was a quiet affair instead of a long series of begging to be allowed to stay up, to stay awake with her mom so they could both catch up on what they had missed.
Helen looked over to the door to find Ashley standing there with her thumb in her mouth and her blanket held tightly in her other hand.
"You okay?"
Ashley didn't say a word, she just stared at her mother with tears in her eyes. If Helen wasn't looking for the smallest sign, she would have missed the faintest shake of her daughter's head.
"You want a cuddle?"
Ashley did not need to be asked twice. As she moved towards the bed, Helen lifted up the cover and Ashley slid in. They laid side-by-side and, without warning, Ashley let out a sob.
"Mommy. I am afraid."
Helen realised that it wasn't until that day that her daughter grasped just how dangerous abnormals could be; that her own mother could be hurt. Helen was only able to squeeze her girl a little bit tighter.
Breathe. Just breathe.
"When will you be home?"
"Soon."
"I miss you."
Helen held back a tear in her eye. This was the longest she had been away from her child. It was hard and although it was lovely to hear Ashley's voice on the phone, it didn't ease her homesickness.
"I miss you too. I love you." She could help but pour all of her love into those words.
"Of course you do."
And there was Helen's cheeky monkey. She didn't know whether it was the fact that Ashley was brought up in the world of monsters and other scary things, or if it was part of John's character seeping into Ashley.
"So what did you do today?"
"Well, there was this mean boy in my class, he was picking on others so I ..."
Helen smiled; she could easily see where this was going. Ashley was passionate about ensuring that all is well with her world, even if her methods of dealing with it left something to be questioned.
"... then he broke my nose. It was quite weird, I couldn't breathe through it or anything but you should have seen the other guy, mom!"
Breathe. Just breathe.
Helen brought back Henry when Ashley was nine.
Truthfully, she was afraid about what Ashley would think about the boy from the moor. Helen didn't want her child to think that she wasn't enough; she was. More than enough.
She had never felt so nervous in her long life. Her mouth was dry and her heart was trying to jump out of her chest as she watched her daughter meet the boy.
Helen did not need to be so worried as Ashley gave Henry one of her big grins before taking his hand to show him the place. She was always so good with new people. Helen liked to think it was because of her upbringing.
The children weren't more than 10 paces away before Ashley stopped suddenly and, with big gestures, ordered the boy to stay where he was stood before running up to her mum.
"Thank you."
Helen was baffled, she didn't know why she was being thanked. "What for?"
"For giving me a brother so I wouldn't be so alone when you go away."
With a dazzling smile, the girl turned on her heels and left behind a shell-shocked mom.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Helen never wanted to get home as quickly as she did now. There were times in the past when she did want to but it was more because she missed the Sanctuary, Big Guy, Henry, and, most importantly, Ashley. However this time, there was a sense of urgency. She wished that she had John's ability.
Her mind wandered back to the earlier phone call.
"Helen Magnus."
"Helen. It's Ashley."
There was a hint of panic in Henry's voice which gave Helen goosebumps and made her heart race.
"Is she," Helen swallowed back her fear, "Is she okay?"
"She's hurt." Henry lost control. "I am so sorry! I didn't even know that she was gone."
"How bad?"
"Bad. Oh God, she is in the infirmary now. It's bad, real ..."
Helen cut the young teenager off.
"Henry. I am on my way. We will talk later."
Without a second thought, Helen let the annoying but harmless abnormal that she spent the last four days hunting in the sewers go before heading back home, back to her Ashley.
It was the longest three hours of her life. It still surprised her how in the last 12 years, she had felt so many emotions, sometimes a mixture at a time. It shocked her just how quickly twelve years passed her by. She felt as if she had just put the baby down for a nap, only to turn around to find a feisty young teenager in her place.
She did not speak to the Big Guy when he came to pick her up. She couldn't help it, she had to pin the blame onto someone. Bigfoot was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The car didn't even come to a full stop before she threw her door open and ran to the infirmary. She could have sworn that she heard a small 'sorry' from behind. She would have to apologize for her behavior later.
Helen stopped in her tracks when she saw Ashley. She looked so small in the bed. Her body was bruised and battered but what really stood out was the massive cast on her right leg.
"It's broken. Her leg, her thigh. It's broken"
Henry's voice made her jump but she didn't turn around.
"Oh God." Helen took slow steps toward the girl. "What happened?"
"I am sorry. So sorry Helen. I know I was meant to be watching her."
"What happened?"
"I left her in the kitchen because she wanted to bake you a cake. She said you have been stressed lately and she wanted to cheer you up." Henry was shaken. "She made me get out as she didn't want to share the credit."
Helen smiled gently at that. Ashley did always like to do things her own way and only her way.
"Before I knew it, the Big Guy came running into my room, shouting and yelling. Ashley called him."
That sentence made Helen slightly upset, she should be the first one that Ashley called, not her manservant.
"Did somebody break in? Where are they now?"
"No." Henry wiped the back of his hand over his nose. "She found the list of abnormals that are causing trouble in the city in your office. She went after one of them. The vampire."
Oh what an idiot she was. Stupid, stupid. It was her fault. Of course her brave little girl wanted to help her mom. She might as well have pinned the list onto the fridge for all to see.
"I have never seen Big Guy so mad. I mean, he was scary. More scary than usual."
Helen really did have to apologize later.
"Is the abnormal dead?"
"No. I think the Big Guy was going to go out tonight."
"Don't let him. I will sort it out myself. In the meantime, would you go and get Ashley's blanket?"
"Yes."
"Henry."
The boy turned around.
"It's not your fault." Henry only nodded. That night would forever live with him.
Helen pulled up a chair next to the bed. She was keeping the tears at bay. Ashley was alive. Hurt, but alive. The only problem she could foresee now was how was she going to keep Ashley rested while her femur healed. It would be like trying to stop an ocean from producing waves.
She didn't know when but she must have drifted off as the hand that she was holding firmly moved. She looked at the face and smiled when she saw the familiar big eyes looking back at her.
"Hello Ashley."
"Did I get him? The vampire, I mean. The one that you wanted."
"Yes," Helen lied. She would have to go back tomorrow and tag him herself, if he was lucky.
"One less worry for you."
Oh Ashley, if only you knew.
Breathe. Just breathe.
"Do you love me?"
"In toto."
"Mom. I am not in the mood for gibber."
"It's not gibber, it is Latin and it means entirely."
Helen sat down next to Ashley, smiling when she moved in closer without a thought . "What brought this on?"
"I don't know. I just feel as we are drifting apart. Like you don't have time for me anymore."
"I have all the time in the world for you."
"Well, obviously. In case, you've forgotten mom, you're immortal."
Helen grinned. There was her girl.
"I haven't. Just like I haven't forgotten that I love you."
Ashley only looked out of the window, watching the raindrops slide down the pane of glass.
"If you'd really loved me, you would let me learn how to fight."
"You only just healed."
Truthfully, it had been long enough. Ashley had healed faster than Helen could imagine and she was tearing around the Sanctuary, annoying everybody in it although she could see that they were pleased that she was whole again. None of them would ever forget her broken body, nor Big Guy's fear-filled growl as he carried Ashley in.
"Excuses. Excuses. What next? Am I too short? Too tall? Too blonde?"
"You're too precious."
"Mom." Ashley rolled her eyes. "Don't embarrass me. Besides, what it is you're always babbling on about? Nos must amit ... Nos must ..."
"Nos must amitto vivo en."
"That's it! We must let go." Ashley didn't even noticed the sadness on her mother's face, she just continued to trace the figure of the raindrops. "Let me fight. Then, next time, I will be ready."
Helen looked into Ashley's hopeful eyes. She could see that she would be a brilliant woman with so many skills. Hell, her daughter might even be better than herself out in the field in the not-too-distant future.
"Okay, if you think it will get you ready. But no hunting until you are 18. At least."
'But I don't think I will ever be ready.' Helen banished the thought from her mind before leading an overjoyed girl into the training room.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Helen was not used to this. She could deal with the blood, the gore and, hell, even the sick. The scene that greeted her as she stood in Ashley's doorway was a situation that she was afraid of: an upset young girl, sobbing quietly but yet so loud while she hugged her pillow as if it was an anchor.
Confused and unsure, Helen made her first tentative step toward her daughter.
"Ashley." Helen whispered as she moved closer, the response she got was a sniff as Ashley rolled away from her. "I want to help. Big Guy is worried about you, he was the one who told me to come here."
"You can't help."
"I want to at least try."
"Danny broke up with me!" Ashley wailed as the words that came out of her mouth reminded her of her heartache all over again.
"Oh."
Helen really wanted a physical injury to be the reason, that she could deal with. She could sooth her daughter while she cleaned the wound, applying stitches if needed. Bandage the area up with love before placing a kiss on top and then another on Ashley's forehead. It was a routine that they both loved.
"To be frank, you were too good for a boy like him."
"You don't even know him. Hell, you haven't even met him!"
Helen didn't responded. She didn't want Ashley to know that in fact, she got some of her best monster hunters to follow a certain Daniel Patrick Edgeworth. She was just being a mom. An overbearing, protective mom. Instead, she sat at the end of the bed, her hand hesitating before stroking the blonde hair.
They sat in silence for a while before Ashley made the first move, turning around until she was looking up to her mom. Ashley's eyes were red and bloodshot. She looked so lost which made Helen feel anger and hate toward the boy that dared to hurt his ex.
"I really liked him."
"I know."
No more was said, it wasn't needed. Helen just simply lay down. They both shifted until they were comfortable, with Ashley nested against her. Just like the old times.
Time was a great healer for heartbreaks, but until then, they could just enjoy those rare, precious moments of just being in each other's company.
"Better a heartbreak than a heart attack."
Helen grinned as she brushed a stray blonde hair out of her daughter's face. Nobody would ever be good enough for her. Ever.
Breathe. Just breathe.
By the time Ashley was 16, Helen thought she would be used to heart-stopping moments of seeing her in the infirmary. Since she started her training, Ashley would push herself to her limits and cause personal injuries as she threw herself at everything and anything.
"Mom! What are you doing here? I thought you were in London?"
"I came home early."
Helen was slightly annoyed as she could clearly see that her daughter was trying to hide her plaster-covered arm behind her back.
"Great!" Ashley smiled at her. "I missed you."
"I have only been gone for barely 27 hours."
"The longest 27 hours of my life at that too!"
Helen had to admit Ashley was being quite cute on how she was getting out of the room with her cast unseen.
"Hey. You should see Henry."
"Why?"
"Uh. I think he got a cockroach problem in his room. He is too scared to kill them."
Helen raised her eyebrows. Not the best lie, considering that Henry was one of the cleanest persons she had ever come across.
"So what have you done this time?"
"Huh?" Helen couldn't believed just how dumb Ashley was playing. "Oh, this bruise on my cheek? It's nothing! Walked into a door. Clumsy me!"
"A door? And I am guessing that you clumsily shut the same door onto your arm?"
A deer in the headlight. Helen never quite understood that expression until now.
"No."
"Well?"
"Sylvio was teaching me the best way to take down an angry abnormal. It may or may not have gotten out of hand."
Helen knew it. Sylyio was nothing but trouble. While new, he was great at what he did, but that didn't mean she liked him near her beloved daughter.
"So how did you break it?"
"I might have broken his ribs with my hand."
Attagirl.
She was growing up too fast.
Breathe. Just breathe.
It was the summer that Ashley turned 18. It wasn't their first mission together but it was the first time that they had to trust each other 100 percent if they were going to get out alive.
"This is totally awesome!" stage-whispered Ashley as they hid in the bushes outside a den that was filled with werewolves.
"Keep it down a notch, and focus. There is no room for mistakes."
"Aye, aye Captain." Helen grinned at the mock salute. She was so proud of her daughter, she had studied very hard the last five years, preparing for missions like this one. They had already been on six easy missions, despite Ashley turning 18 just a week ago. It was hard for Helen to let her tag along the day after she turned 18. She wanted to make up a new excuse, a reason why she couldn't join her mother but Ashley obviously also studied for all the comebacks and comments to everything she said. It took only 20 minutes before Helen gave in.
Then one thing led to another and, before she knew it, Ashley had brainwashed her into letting her go to the vicious werewolves' den with her.
"So mom, what are we going to do about those?" Helen looked to the direction that Ashley was looking over to. The terrified locals.
"They can stay here." As soon as she said the sentence, she heard relieved sighs ringing out behind her. Helen had to admit that they were rather brave. They were willing to go in and fight even with their great fear bubbling up inside them.
"You ready?" Ashley was raring to go. Her guns had been checked several times and now they were resting comfortably in her hands, ready to go. It slightly unnerved Helen just how much of a natural fighter Ashley was—just how much she was like her father. Helen banished the thoughts away. Ashley was not John. She is a strong-willed, beautiful, tough-as-nails girl. No, woman. Helen could not help but see glimpses of her daughter's vulnerabilities under her cover of bravado and cocky words.
"As ready as I can be." No, Helen wasn't ready. Not really, but she needed to let go of her little girl and embrace her fully grown daughter. "Follow me."
"Always."
Helen pushed back the wave of overpowering love for her daughter. The level of trust was amazing.
Without any further words, they headed toward the den.
As soon as they entered the den, it was chaotic.
The werewolves were not expecting the two women. Many heads whipped around and mighty roars filled the air. Helen looked over to Ashley. She could have sworn she saw a scared little girl like before, but Ashley had built up the wall of fearlessness before Helen could blink again. Definitely an abnormal hunter.
Without warning, the werewolves jumped up and ran towards them, their teeth bared.
Ashley reacted before Helen even moved. Her shots took three werewolves down while Helen was still pulling the trigger. How was it that her own daughter, who didn't have as much experience as she did, was already so much better?
The remaining four werewolves were angry, beyond angry. They changed their attack; it became more planned. They moved faster, avoiding all the bullets that the women were shooting out. The bigger one roared, causing the other three to move toward Ashley while he was heading toward Helen.
Ashley gulped and a brief moment of confusion brushed over her face as she heard the triggers went but nothing came out of the barrels.
"Mom! I don't have any silver tips left!"
Helen threw her remaining tips to her daughter, her life was much more important. Ashley caught them easily. She didn't even have time to put them into the guns before one of the werewolves jumped on her, taking her by surprise.
Helen only saw white as she heard a scream. Her child was in trouble.
She didn't know how she managed to knock out the big male and the two that were attacking Ashley.
With two of the three out of the picture, Ashley was able to stumble back onto her feet. Stars swam in front of her eyes as the remaining werewolf came charging. Ashley placed a strong hit to his face, dazing him for a moment before she kicked him into unconsciousness.
"Piece of cake."
"Ashley." Helen let her emotions flow into that one word. Her daughter slightly nodded, realizing just how close to death she had been that night. She didn't want to talk about it though; it would make it much too real.
"Job done."
Ashley wrapped her good arm around her mother, leading her out of the den. She couldn't bear the smell any longer.
Worn out and battered, Ashley fell down to the ground, unable to stand on her legs any longer. The adrenaline was wearing off. She cradled her right arm, nursing it. Helen wasn't long behind her, she winced as she saw the bone sticking out of the arm.
"We will have to sort that as soon as possible. Can you stand?"
With difficulty, Helen got back up, her body complaining as it did not get long enough rest but she ignored it. She gently pulled Ashley up, careful of her injured arm. She noticed a slight limp. Ashley tried to hide it but Helen knew that it was her thigh playing up.
"Let's go home. Get you patched up."
Ashley just sadly looked toward to the bushes where they once hid before moving her sad glance back to her mother. Helen braced herself for the worse.
"Mom, can we take Adrian Brody look-a-like back home?"
Breathe. Just breathe.
"Where is she?" John did not answer Helen's question, her anger was near the point of no return. "Where is she?" She demanded.
"I'd tell you she was safe, but I'd be lying." Helen did not manage to hear the rest.
Her body and her mouth went on autopilot, carrying a conversation with John as her mind tried to work out ways of how she could get Ashley out of the situation. She could pick up a pen before her and, with a well-aimed throw, she could kill Druitt. She could pretend to drop dead.
"Oh, time is growing short."
Helen snapped back to reality at that comment. Her mouth went dry and her eyes watered. Ashley. Hiding her actions from John, she tapped in a command into the computer and prayed.
With no guilt in her heart—after all, he did put their, her, daughter into danger—she handed a syringe to Druitt.
"Forgive me, John."
For she wouldn't ever forgive him. Not now. Not ever. Not fully.
Without a backward glance, Helen ran out of the room to the Shoe.
The journey was one of the longest that she had ever ran. She would really have to move to a smaller house.
Her breath caught deep inside her throat when she saw her daughter being held up by her protege. With one eye on the lizard, gun held in the air, she moved as quickly as she could to her baby girl.
"I've got her. I've got her"
Breathe. Just breathe.
Helen was ready to die. She wasn't going to stop the abnormal from striking her but the blow never came. She was shocked to see her daughter with a tight grip on the abnormal's forearm.
Ashley was back.
A look was shared between them. Helen took a deep breath, taking in her daughter. She tried to tell her daughter through her eyes that she was sorry. She should have never thought that the sanctuaries were just as important as Ashley. No. Helen's daughter was the most important thing that ever existed on this forsaken planet. If she had her daughter back, she would do better.
"Ashley, please ..."
Please come back. Please let me be a better mom. Please let me banish the nightmares away again. Please, please help me breathe.
"Mom?"
And then Ashley was gone.
Breathe. Just breathe. You can do it.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Breathe. Don't forget this time how to breathe.
Helen would now have to remind herself every waking moment, now that her reason to live was gone.
Breathe. Just Breathe.
Author's Notes: Do let me know what you thought of the fiction by hitting that review button just below!
I am also happy to re-home any plot bunnies so drop me a line and I will see what I can do.
Have a great day/night!