Trying Not To Love You, a finder series fanfic

Title: Trying Not To Love You

Fandom: Viewfinder

Pairing/Characters: Asami/Takaba

Rating: R

Warning: Maybe some OOC-ness.

Disclaimer: All regconizible characters belong to Ayano Yamane.

Summary: Akihito's POV. Song used Trying Not To Love You by Nickelback.

You call to me, and I fall at your feet
How could anyone ask for more?
And our time apart, like knives in my heart
How could anyone ask for more?

Every time you want to see me, you expect me to be there, to listen to you. You expect that I will do everything that you ask of me. Althrough you never ask, you just take what you want. And every time you do catch me, I fail at refusing you. You will make me lose myself, untill it comes to the point that I will do almost anything you ask of me.

An still you ask more of me, probably without you even knowing it. You keep on asking more of me, but there comes a point that I have given all and then I won't be able to give you anything anymore.

Every time we are apart for a long time, I wonder why. Why don't you need me as much as I need you? Or is this exactly what you want me to feel? This pain of not knowing when I will see you again. And if I see you, will you still want the same things from me? Or will there be a time you have no use for me anymore? Because every time we are apart I'm afraid that I won't see you again. Even through I feel this way, I won't ever let you know. Knowing you, you will only use this knownlegde against me.

Is it so hard for you to not ask for more of me? Why is it that you want me to keep giving? Do you even realize what you already have of me?

But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

Sometimes I wish that there was a way out of this thing that connects us. Then I wouldn't have to feel this confused about my own feelings. Or yours for that matter. I sometimes wonder what kind of feelings you harbour for me.

I tried to get out. I tried to run away from you. I really tried, but you always found me. No matter how hard I try. And believe me, sometimes I wish that I could find a way to get away from you.

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

You need to know that after all that we've been through, it is still hard to ignore these feelings. I wish it wasn't that hard to walk away from them, to forget them. But I can't. It breaks me up inside when I even try. Thinking about it, will bring me a sharp pain in my chest.

Apart from my feelings for you, it gets harder to stay away from you. To not see you for a couple of days. I get anxious when I haven't seen or heard anything from you for a short time. It is at these times that I realize that I really do need you. And it hurts. It hurts to know that I need you so much.

Every time you back me up a little bit more with your demands, I can't help but feel helpless. Every time it happens, I get confused. I don't know what to do. My body tells me one thing while my mind tells me something completely different. We have been playing this game for so long and I always knew the rules to it. We both did, but now they are slowly changing. And I am slowly losing sight of these new rules.

I try to figure out what it is that I want. What is it that I want to change in our game? I also try to figure out what these feelings that I have do exactly mean. How deep do they run? And what is it that make me act on them? What would you do?

Maybe that is my biggest fear. Not knowing how you will react to these feelings. Because it will definitely change everything. In a good or a bad way.

And this kind of pain, only time takes away
That's why it's harder to let you go
And nothing I can do, without thinking of you
That's why it's harder to let you go

Not knowing the answer to this, I live in constant fear of showing you too much. I know that you can read me really good. So even if I behave slightly different, you will know that something is going on. You can read me like I'm an open book.

As the time passes and I keep thinking about these feelings and the changes it can cause, I slowly come to the realization that the pain of you rejecting me will only be stronger. I know that when you do reject me and throw me away like the pet I am to you, I will never trust somebody with my feelings again.

That's why it is hard for me to imagine leaving you. I know that I will never leave you out of my own free will. Even if I have tried and wanted to do that in the beginning, I can't leave you now. I need you, like I need the air I breath.

Because of that simple fact, there is not a minute, a second that I'm not thinking of you. It seems that no matter where I am or what I am doing, you will always find your way into my thoughts. It is even worse when I'm with you. Then you are all I can think about. But I try not to show that. I know that if I show too much, you will question me. And I'm not sure if I am ready for the questions you have.

But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

Forgetting you is something that will never happen. You have such a strong and powerful presence, that no matter where you are, people know that you are there. Knowing how it is to be around someone like you, I will never forget how it feels.

This is one of the things that will make it even harder for me to just leave you and never see you again. I also know, from first-hand experience, that you won't let me leave so easily. If you do let me leave, you will have a very good reason for it. It can easily be a reason I won't like. It is also the question if you will tell me the real reason. Since you are such a cold-hearted person.

I know, just like everybody who knows you, that you are one of the most cold-hearted person in this whole universe. Even if that's true, I know that once you were not like this. I like to believe that a long time ago you have been an innocent child, living without a dark thought.

I also know that you put up a front, so that everyone around you fears and respect you at the same time. I know you put up a front, since I have seen another side of you. A softer side, one that I didn't think you would have.

But you proved me wrong. To have seen this side of you, it is even harder for me to imagine my life without you. But it also made me realize that some long time ago, you were a different person. Because if you have been cold your whole life, then you wouldn't know how to be gentle, but you do know how to be gentle.

That's just another reason why I can't seem to let you go. I want to see more of this soft, gentle side of you. And I want to be the only one who sees you like that. Because if I'm the only one to know, then no one will be able to use it against you. I know you are afraid of that. Because showing weakness to your enemies, only makes it easier to take you down. But when I'm the only one who knows, then that won't happen.

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself
Was it something that I did?
Was there somebody else?
When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears
Sat right down beside me, and whispered right in my ear
Tonight I'm dying to tell you

When I am alone and thinking about us, I often get uncertain. Not only about my feelings for you, but even more about your feelings. Since you know me so well, you also know that I worry a lot about the most stupidiest things.

And that's also why I often ask myself if I am enough for you. I grow even more uncertain when I haven't seen or heard anything from you. Then I start to worry if I have finally been thrown aside for somebody else. Someone who can satisfy you and who doesn't cause you any troubles, like I do.

It's always at these times that you reassure me of the fact that there is no one else. You show me in your own way that I'm the only one for you at the moment. It took me awhile to realize this, but when I did, I decided to show you the same. But then in my own way, and it seemed you figured it out right away.

And when we haven't seen or talked to each other for some time, that it was because you were busy. To make sure that I wasn't in danger and that you couldn't risk seeing or talking to me for my safety. This took me even longer to realize. To be honest, you almost had to tell me the reason, because I was just to blind to see it.

All these realizations have led me to another one. Maybe it is time for me to tell you my honest feelings, no matter what the consequences will be. Because I know that I can't keep this feeling inside me for much longer. But like everything else with us, I will tell you in our own way. Because then I know for sure that you understand.

That trying not to love you, only went so far
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart
Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for
And if we just keep on trying, we could be much more
'Cause trying not to love you
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

I have seen much in the time since we met. The life before I knew you almost seems like a whole different life to me. Although I know it isn't. I tried to get away from you, certainly after our first and second encounter, but it was good that you kept bringing me back to you. It has taken us to where we are now. And for that I am glad, even thought I haven't always felt that way.

I tried to ignore the feelings that were growing inside of me, but in the end you can't hold them in forever. I too discovered that and because of that we will be even more closer. I will see even more of you that no one has ever seen before and I'm looking forward to it. I will also show you a side of me that I tried to keep hidden from you, althought I know I have let it shimmer through when I was at your mercy.

I have never listened to the warnings that others have seem to give us, about that we can't be together, because we are from two different worlds. And I know that you have been ignoring these warnings too. And sometimes I think you have had more warnings then me, since you are who you are. But you still didn't listen to them.

Knowning this, only makes my feeling for you even stronger. Knowing this, I know that we can make it together, no matter what other people may think. Knowing this, I know that I am safe with you, just as you are safe with me. Knowing this, only makes me love you more.

The End