Since I failed Yullen Week, I wrote another small fic about Kanda's reaction to hearing Allen's confession of being the Fourteenth.
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"The Order needs him right now as a player, and we can't afford to lose any more exorcists," droned the deep tenor of Leverrier. Kanda frowned deeper as he watched the lower lips slacken with each syllable, and he hated the skin that hung off his chin and jaw ever so slightly. It was disgusting. "So Central has decided to keep this Noah for the time being." he finished. He turned to Komui, who in turn said a few serious words about the situation. Kanda wasn't paying attention however. He was staring off to the side and pinching his arm, harshly.
The enemy was within their ranks?
The enemy was Allen?
Komui stopped talking for a moment and Kanda didn't have to look to hear his voice catch. It was so obvious where his loyalties lay.
"If that should happen, please kill me." Every head in the room turned to look at Allen mournfully. Shocked faces turned to hurt expressions as Allen looked to Leverrier with a straight face and straighter resolve. "But...that won't happen." It was clear, this voice, and Kanda knew it well. It was the voice he used when he was serious in a battle, the voice he used when something important was at hand.
It was the voice he'd used when confessing his love to Kanda. "If the Fourteenth should ever attack the Order, I will stop him." Allen's fists clenched, and it was the only sound to be heard in the room.
A boot scuffled and Linali let out a small whimper.
Kanda snorted and looked back to the door. How stupid.
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"Pitiful Akuma," came a soft sweet voice to Kanda's left. Allen's hair was tussled from the fight and a small dab of blood covered his white cheek. His eyes looked down with the exact sentiment stated--pity. "May your soul find salvation...." Allen continued to look down while Kanda briskly walked past him. He didn't miss the next look on Allen's face.
Doubt.
Kanda brushed past the boy and walked over to the gravestone with the stalking bureaucrat. "Hey, how's it coming? I'll kill you if you lose." Kanda turned his head slightly and looked back to the young exorcist behind him. Allen stood over the body of the Akuma, neck straight but eyes downcast. Kanda felt his frown deepen into a cruel sneer as Allen's eyes grew a thin layer of glass over them.
Moron, Kanda thought, gripping Mugen and shoving him into his sheath harsher than necessary. Don't look at the body as if it's your own.
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Kanda never claimed to be a good person. He'd said it in the beginning and he'd meant it--he was a destroyer. He didn't want to save people, he only wanted peace, if it was possible to understand. He didn't care about anyone but himself--because that's who he was. He was self-actualized in the queerest way conceivable; in the sense that he new who he was and accepted himself for it.
He hadn't counted on Allen Walker.
Days with Allen were anything but peaceful and Kanda came to hate them. He hated the way Allen was so damn self-righteous and at the same time so self-sacrificial. It was a conundrum to Kanda--how can you hold others in high esteem if you hold nothing for even yourself?
And though Kanda would ever understand, something had shifted over the course of being with Allen for a few months. Allen had some things Kanda would never have--sympathy, care and likability. He smiled for show (which Kanda of course hated), but understood. He knew the importance of a facade and though he disagreed with Allen's outward performance, he empathized.
Allen was strong, which Kanda was always an honest admirer of. He couldn't respect anyone that couldn't even protect themselves, and so Allen's diligence and training came easily to Kanda's noticed. If he was a trained fighter, he was worth something, in Kanda's mind.
Strength, that was what had driven Kanda to Allen. He would never really understand Allen's reasons for the reciprocated feelings, despite Allen's constant explanations. "It's always been you Kanda." Allen would smile, discreetly fiddling with Kanda's sleeve. "Your honesty has been more than I can bear." Then he would laugh and Kanda would become frustrated and shout at him. It was how things went.
Until that day.
A day is merely 24 hours, and while Kanda did like to be efficient in those 24 hours and get as much done as possible, some paces were even too fast for him.
"I will stop him."
Ridiculous.
Kanda hated the self-sacrificing lamb. Allen didn't care for shit about Kanda and his comrades-- he didn't even care about himself. Kanda wanted merely one thing from the pest: that Allen would hold himself together and take care of himself. He couldn't seem to handle it. Kanda didn't understand and it hurt his head to try.
He was going insane.
He had to get away from him.
Kanda could never allow himself to be near those that were inferior to him. He couldn't condone it and wouldn't put himself in any risky situation. He'd empathized with Allen already--who was to say Kanda wouldn't end up doing the same for this? He wouldn't become weak. He wanted to remain strong, empty and pure of any sort of contaminating force, because that's what it was to him.
It was sick.
But he kept hearing that goddamn sweet laughter in his ears.
Allen had been different then, hadn't he? He'd been strong and he'd been Kanda's equal. But what now? Where was the respect, the self? Sometimes Kanda just wanted to jump off the face of the world and get away from it all. Everyone was tainted. Everyone was dirty.
Everyone was weak. It was wrong. Kanda would rather die than be weak, and so he pushed himself away. He didn't want to be contaminated by Allen's logic.
It was okay to die for someone else. It was okay to die for no purpose. Allen did these things and shrugged, smiling all the while--it was no big deal.
It was Allen.
Kanda didn't want to change. He didn't want to lower himself to that place, that place. Kanda wouldn't allow it. Allen became a threat to Kanda and so he acted on self-preservation. If he walked the same path he'd been going he'd be walking right next to Allen, depending on him.
Kanda refused.
And so he turned and walked away from Allen Walker.
Because that was Kanda.
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"If it's painful go stop the doll. That thing probably isn't 'Lala' anymore anyway." Kanda said bluntly, hoping to God the dumbass noobie would get up and complete the job. So sentimental.
"But it's the promise of those two." Allen sulked, not even lifting his head to make his words clearer. "It's not right if it isn't Guzoru that destroys Lala."
Kanda forgot to scoff. "You're really soft you know. We're the destroyers, not the saviors." Allen finally lifted his head, but Kanda wasn't quite paying him enough attention. He stared at the ground and looked down the stairs--at where he'd been moments ago. How far had he come up?
"I know." came the soft reply. "But I--"
The song had stopped. Allen jumped from his place and ran inside. Kanda thought about stopping him, but was interrupted by the finder instead.
"Kanda-sama? Is everything alright?" asked Toma. Kanda paused, then shrugged lightly. He turned sharply and walked up the stairs at an unfriendly pace. He looked through the arches and in the dark of the building, and saw two small figures huddled closely to the ground. One had long golden hair and was completely motionless. The other hung over that small form, shivering something fierce, head bowed down.
Kanda clicked his tongue and furrowed his eyebrows.
"Oi, what's wrong?" he asked, rather impatient.
"Kanda..." Allen said, sniffling and wiping his eyes. Kanda's eyes widened, but he didn't step closer. He would forever wonder what Allen said, but somehow, the words were already explained in whatever Allen did.
"Even so, I want to become a Destroyer who can save anybody."
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A/N: Haha, I'm so bad. I wrote like, a break-up scene. 8D
Kanda, for me, is the perfect character. I want to break him. :D I based this on an essay I wrote about three weeks ago, so if it's a little befuddled let me know. This only took about an hour and a half (research included). I've come to the conclusion that Allen Walker is Jesus Christ--without the beard. He's a total self-sacrificing 'and let it be known unto you' dude. AKA Jesus....lol. This was kinda deep--I'm a bit impressed with myself. Too cheesy though? Let me know--angst is like 'ehh' on my writer's Ritcher scale. I'm okay at it.
Okay,m and here comes my yearly Christmas rant (oh geez not again): SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY. I mean it. Being 12,000 miles from my own has only enhanced my belief in being together in the holidays, so spend all the time you can. They'll be gone soon and you'll be gone to college, and really, you'll realize just how much they mean to you. So help bake a pie or just take care of you annoying cousins--one day, you'll smile about it. :) MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
A review would be nice. Or something. Oo;