A/N: This is a challenge to do a songfic to the lyrics of All American Reject's "Dirty Little Secret". It was written in less than a half hour, and at 2 in the morning. Also the night before a test and a huge speech that I'm freaking out about. I will possibly edit this later on, but I want to post it and see if anyone agrees that this is anything close to the book Jess wrote. Please review!
Summary: This is the prologue of the book Jess wrote.
Disclaimer: Don't own JACK.
I never thought in a million years that I'd be able to make anything of my life. Nobody had ever thought about what I wanted or what I could become. That was, until her. The attraction was there, but there was something else too. I couldn't place my finger on it until Sookie's wedding. It was the first time that I had been taken by surprise. I was hooked and wanted more.
I didn't expect that I would be immediately denied my first real desire. We had one stolen kiss and then she was gone. All of a sudden she took on my persona; she ran away from her problems. I couldn't help asking what did I do that was so wrong? Did I make her run away?
The answer was right in front of my face. She'd never been so conflicted in her life. She wasn't just running away from me, she was running away from everybody and everything. I had just finished doing the exact opposite. I ran back. I ran towards my problems, not away from them. I couldn't figure it out. Did we switch personalities? Did she like herself better that way?
I spent those months questioning what had happened between us, wondering when I would get more. I craved it, I needed it. Then when she came back, I found that we had switched personalities again. I refused to confront my problems and she just pretended like she didn't have any. How could one kiss turn into such drama? As much as I wanted her back, I wasn't ready.
It took a while to admit I was wrong as well. She shouldn't have run away and I shouldn't have been such a pompous ass. I flaunted myself around, I acted like I didn't even know her anymore. Looking back, I was such an idiot. I hated to admit defeat, but in the end I knew I could trust her. She's the only one I've told until now.
After my initial admittance of defeat, it felt like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was no longer ignoring my problems, but I wasn't exactly running towards them either. I spent as much time with her as I could; that's how she came to influence me so strongly. She told me her secrets and I told her mine. She knows things about me that nobody else in the world knows. In the time we were together, it felt like she was the only thing I needed to stay alive. I could go without food, water…just as long as I had her.
I don't know what happened. I don't know what made me throw away the best thing I've ever had in my life: the best influence and the best friend I could ever ask for. Why did I throw all of that away? If I could go back, I know exactly what I'd do differently. I wouldn't have held it all in.
Unfortunately, I can't go back and I have to admit defeat once again. I can't hold it in anymore. The rest of this will be based entirely on the one thing I haven't let myself confess since I threw it all away.
I love Rory Gilmore. I always have and I will never stop.