Author's Notes: Hi guys and gals, it's Katie here with a stupid oneshot that was born out of trying to write Moments of Love while having massive writer's block (which I've deleted for the one hundred and twenty sixth time), and listening to The Lonely Island, as well as reading Made Nightwing's crazy arse crackfic, to which I nearly died laughing. If you're prone to random fits of uncontrollable laughter, you may wanna avoid this. Now, here it is. I am such a crazy bitch for writing this. Oh right, this takes place in the MoL universe after the Collector Base.
Disclaimer: Dick in a Box is owned by The Lonely Island, and with bloody good reason. Everything else is MAAIIINNEEEE!
I was lying on the comfy bed in the captain's quarters that both my boyfriend, Commander Russell Patrick Shepard, and I, the absolutely fabulous and perfectly beautiful Miranda Chloe Lawson, while reading a novel from a datapad. Russell was busy talking bull with Joker in the cockpit while I lay in our quarters, awaiting my boyfriend to come up and make sweet, sweet love to me as one of my birthday presents.
Oops, did I mention that today was my birthday? Nevermind, you probably know now anyways.
Unfortunately, my idiot of a boyfriend had clean forgotten that it was my birthday. The arsehole actually forgot about my birthday! Hell, even my 'father' (what a joke that was) had remembered all of my birthdays, and he'd lavished me with presents and gifts every 6th of June, which was the day a wailing little me came into this universe. And Russell couldn't even remember it. Sure, we've only been together for about five months and we've never celebrated my birthday together even though the whole crew celebrated his (his was 11th April. See Russ? I remembered your damn birthday! Why can't you remember mine?).
No matter how much I didn't want to admit it, it hurt that he didn't remember my birthday, damn it! I felt tears form in the corner of my eyes-no! I would not cry over the fact that Russell, that adorable, adorable arsehole, had forgotten about my birthday! "Damn you Russ!"I snarled at the empty cabin, furiously wiping my eyes just as the moron who I was inexplicably and so deeply in love with came into the room wearing old-fashioned dress pants with a really huge bulge in the crotch of it, a rather fetching black dinner jacket, as well as a blue long sleeved shirt.
"Russell? What's that in your pants?"I asked, standing up as Russell tapped something into the cabin environment controls while holding a finger up to silence me. "Okay Miri, happy birthday to you, and here's my present for you honey."He smiled charmingly as my anger just disappeared. He just knew how to make me melt into his arms every single time, and it worked now as it always did. A song from the 21st century came on over the cabin's speaker system as he began to sing along to the song.
"Hey girl, I got somethin' real important to give you so just sit down and listen…"Which I did on our bed, and he sat right next to me before continuing his little song.
"Girl you know we've been together such a long, long time (such a long time)...
And now I'm ready to lay it on the line
(Wooow) You know it's your birthday and my heart is open wide (open wide)
Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind (what is on my mind)
A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside - it's my dick in a box (it's in a box)!"I could see he wasn't joking when I undid the ribbon and opened the box. It really was! How…what…what fucking stupid song was this, singing about giving girlfriends dicks as presents? My jaw was as wide open as the song described, and my expression was probably one of 'what the fucking hell?'
"Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don't mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl ya gotta know you're my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin' real
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
Somethin' special girl
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl
See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin' (girl)
And I got just the one, somethin' to show ya that you are second to none…"
Seriously, what the bloody hell was Russell thinking? Oh wait, he was too dumb to think. Nevermind.
"To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps:
1: Cut a hole in a box
2: Put your junk in that box
3: Make her open the box
And that's the way you do it!" What! Seriously? Oh Christ.
"It's my dick in a box! My dick in a box babe
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl
Christmas; dick in a box
Hanukkah; dick in a box
Kwanza; a dick in a box
Every single holiday a dick in a box
Over at your parent's house a dick in a box
Mid day at the grocery store a dick in a box
Backstage at the CMA's a dick in a box (yeah-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow)
A dick in a box, a dick in a box, a dick in a box..."
Finally, the damn song stopped and Russell stood up with a moronic grin on his face. "So, whaddya think of my birthday present honeycheeks?" He grinned, stretching his arms out like he was going to embrace me.
"Well…this is what I think of it."I purred low and seductively, my lips right next to his ear as his damn grin grew wider. I pulled back before slapping his damn face as hard as I could, and I actually laughed as I saw his grin drop from his face (Ha! Take that!). He then looked at me with his wounded puppy dog look as he pointedly rubbed the now red handprint where my slap had made contact with his handsome face.
"What the hell was that for?"He whined, looking like a whipped puppy.
"That was for nearly forgetting my birthday, as well as for your bloody atrocious singing, and for giving me a present that some moron said to give your girl. In a silly song."I smiled somewhat evilly before I grabbed the back of his head, entwining my fingers around his curly blonde hair and pulling him in for a brutal French kiss.
"And that was for remembering my birthday, as well as for giving me one of the best birthday presents I've ever gotten. Now, I wanna play with my new present."I giggled at his stunned and dazed expression as I broke the kiss after a minute or so and I shoved him down onto our bed and clambered atop him, straddling his hips as I used my biotics to rip both of our clothes off, leaving us stark bloody naked.
"You're my bitch tonight Russ. All mine, all of tonight! Ah…the things I'm gonna do to you tonight, my little slave…"I laughed maliciously as I began to pump my hands up and down his hard member as he looked back at me with a satisfyingly terrified look.
"Oh, fuckshitfuckfuckshitfuck!"
A/N: Like I said, stupid. Really fucking stupid. Now that's out of my system, I can (hopefully) start to work on chapter 3 of Moments of Love. Hopefully. Bye guys and girls! XOXOKatherineXOXO