Dearest Readers, My lovely lovely friends, I have no idea what came over me today. But I appear to have written a horrible piece of writing, which has actually made me cry to write (this is an achievement, I don't cry at much... *cough*CinCT*cough* )

If you follow the RP on twitter some of this sticks true to fact, some I have entirely made up because I just don't know quite yet :)

So I would say enjoy, but I'm not sure that's quite the right sentiment for this little story of mine!

Discliamer: I don't own Harry/Nikki/Leo/Janet, they belong to the (evil) BBC. However the rest of the characters belong to me and Issy and Flossie and Claire and Laura over on Twitter in our little RP world.

Alone

Dearest Nikki,

I hope to god you never ever read this letter, but if you are, well, I suppose there is nothing I can do.

Today has been a great day; we spent it at the seaside. You remember it? You're just over 10 weeks pregnant today, with our little girl. She is going to be great you know? She's going to be so perfect. I really can't wait until we get to meet her. I can't believe we are having a baby!

We built sand castles, said we were practicing for when Tadpole is born but we both know that wasn't exactly true. We had slightly too much fun, I was surprised you didn't notice when I buried your foot though!

Even in the rain we went paddling in the sea. It was lovely; there isn't anything quite like the British seaside in the rain! It was such a lovely day, especially after the weekend we've had. Janet was kidnapped. Do you know, for a while I really didn't think we'd find her. That would have really destroyed Leo, to lose her and the babies after everything they've been through recently with him leaving her and everything. And then Mum was readmitted to hospital with a nasty infection to her bone and I thought we might lose her as well.

It is now 11:30pm and you're fast asleep curled up on my lap on the sofa. You are sleep talking again, it's rather adorable to be honest, and you keep talking about silly things like Lions and Zebras and then taking Ivy on holiday. You call her Ivy in your sleep. I really love that because she will be Ivy in about 6 month's time, and we will be calling her that.

It has been a bit of a whirlwind really, these past months since we first went out for that lovely posh meal. I kissed you that night, for the first time since we kissed in that pub in the middle of god only knows where! And I really fell in love with you that night. I knew I loved you before then but that night I knew I was really in love with you. I realised you mean the world to me, you're my everything!

You know I'm going to propose to you, and that we are going to get married one day. I haven't exactly asked you when you want to yet but I'm hoping its sooner rather than later. I think you know that I want it to be soon, I think you want it to be soon too.

So I'm going to get to the point now. I hate the thought of you reading this. It means the absolute worst thing has happened. It means I'm not here anymore, not with you. And thinking that is awful, I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now.

I'm writing this to tell you that I'll always love you, forever and ever. And you have to keep going, Nikki, just because I'm not there doesn't mean the world has to stop spinning. You have to be strong for Ivy, you've still got out daughter, and any subsequent children we may have. You have to tell them that I love them so much.

I'm really hoping you never have to read this, or at least you're reading it in your 90's, I'll be happy then. I love you forever Nicola Aleydis Alexander (hopefully Cunningham).

Forever yours, I love you,

Your Harry

Tears were streaming down Nikki's face, her children were holding her, hugging her tightly. Both trying to stop their mother from falling apart and trying to hold themselves together.

Harry had been gone just a day now, and Nikki was trying to get everything organised. It wasn't like they knew it was coming. That made it worse in some ways and easier in others. Yes, Harry had been ill. He'd caught pneumonia 3 years previously and his lungs had never quite worked the same since but he was pretty healthy.

It had been a car accident in the end. He'd gone to the shops to pick up some milk and to drop their library books back when it happened. Speeding around the corner came a boy racer. He lost control and went straight in to the side of Harry's car at 80mph. It pinned Harry's car between a lamppost and the boy's car. Both died on impact.

Ivy had been on her way around with her husband to tell her something when the accident happened. She'd just found out she was pregnant with her parents second grandchild. They had been so happy when little Lewis had arrive 3 years previously. But the phone call from the police shattered Nikki's happiness in an instant. And with it Ivy also broke down.

But now, reading Harry's letter to her, Nikki felt 35 again. She remember that day at the beach, how Harry had kept calling their little tadpole Ivy, insisting (correctly) that she was a girl. They'd loved that day, it had been so special. To think he'd written that letter back then seem very strange.

Was that really over 33 years ago? Ivy had turned 33 last month. How time had flown Jamie and Isabella are now 29, almost 30, and Joshua, he was there little miracle, was only 24 now. Too young to lose their Dad. Too young to have to look after their mother who was now completely lost without Harry.

Leo! Leo and Janet, she'd have to contact them. Tell them what had happened. They hadn't spoken much recently, not since Leo and Janet had moved to a residential home on the south coast a year ago. Although if their son, Will, hurried up and proposed to your Isabella you'd see them more.

Leo was pretty frail now, being 90 did that to people. It was Leo you expected would die first out of you all. But he'd fought hard, fighting off two lots of cancer and now the early stages of Parkinsons. And Janet, she was fighting a losing battle against dementia. She could tell you all about Will and Promise growing up, even going to university but anything beyond the twins graduating was long gone from her memory.

But her children, and grandchild, had gone home now. She was all alone. Nikki just wanted to curl up in to a ball and die herself. Harry was her rock, her everything. How was she meant to continue now that he was gone?

She kept reading Harry's words to her.

"I'll always love you, forever and ever. And you have to keep going, Nikki, just because I'm not there doesn't mean the world has to stop spinning"

He knew she'd be like this, he knew she'd be been falling apart. He'd always known everything like that.

She touched her necklace, an Ivy leave pressed in to gold. Ivy still wore hers, although Harry had had to buy her a new chain after her 13th birthday party when Joshua, who was only two, had grabbed at it and broken it.

He had been the most wonderful husband she could have ever asked for, He'd taken care of her over the years, been there through every birth, holding her hand through most of it. They'd travelled together; South Africa was visited rather a lot. They'd got married there, had their honeymoon there. Although, only 2 days in to their honeymoon they were called back to Sara's house where Ivy was. She had caught chickenpox and wouldn't stop crying.

She'd been here before but last time she was told he was dead, he wasn't, he'd come back to her. Lucky really that time because she wouldn't have had her time with Harry if Budapest hadn't happened quite as it did.

They had hardly spent any time apart in the last 34 years, It was almost 34 years since Harry had asked her out! They'd celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary the October just gone. But now he wasn't going to be there anymore. She wouldn't have him to hold her through the night. To make her feel safe.

The tears still hadn't stopped. She wondered if she'd ever run out of tears to cry for him. If she'd ever be able to live her life like a normal human being ever again. 68. She could live another 30 years without him! She couldn't do that. Not without her Harry. She hoped she'd die tomorrow.

And for the first time in 33 years, 10 months, and 3 weeks Nikki Cunningham went to bed with and empty space on the other side.

Yes, well okay, hate away if you want, but please do leave me a lovely review (or a mean one, not too bothered) :)

Love you all!

Lizzi xxx