'To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance'.

-Oscar Wilde

This didn't come easy to me. I have the guts to admit it now. I didn't back then. you may wonder who doesn't? My answer would be more people than you assume.

All our lives we work on building strong relationships with everyone around us, our parents, our friends, our partners. While spending most of our time and energy on others we neglect the most important relationship in our lives. The one we have with ourselves.

Some may not even take it seriously as a relationship. But the end fact is that if you cannot coexist with yourself then it results in self destruction. Self acceptance doesn't come easy to many. Me included.

In my case, most of my childhood was spent trying to make friends, keeping the ones I already had, impressing my teachers and trying to win praises from my parents. These are things everyone does. But for me it became an obsession. I felt a task was fulfilled only when it was appreciated. . I spent all my time and energy trying to feel worthy..

I could go blaming a lot of people for making me feel that way(influencing the way I feel), but ultimately I think people can make us feel bad or ashamed only with our permission and secondly blaming wouldn't change a thing. Getting the top grades gave me a sense of pride. I judged the way I looked from the time I was 10 years old! That's not healthy! And I had this nonsensical theory that if I looked prettier people would like me better. It took years to understand that that was a piece of BS.

At school, I had a huge crush on my classmate. I wouldn't go as far as to say that he didn't notice me, but he didn't really pay attention to me anyway. Unless you count passing witty insults back and forth at least once a day as 'like'.

I still smile when I think about the absurdity of it all. That the only guy I had a crush on in school had to be the one that thought I was an insecure, friendless, nerdy pain in the ass. But when I think about it, I realize why I liked him all that much. As insulting as it was, and as much as I hated him for thinking im a freak of nature, he was spot on! Without even trying to , he got everything right about what was wrong with me.

Don't get me wrong. I know that description sounds depressing but I wasn't that bad. I had friends and a group where I belonged, a couple of best friends too. But I never really let nobody close enough to talk about personal stuff. I was the class topper so obviously I was nerdy. I was insecure. I think I knew that back then as well but denied it repeatedly to myself.

I have this psychology and I say 'I have' and not 'I had' because I'm still that way, where I like defying people. It's in my nature. I'm a taurean( and proud to be one) you see. My mentality is like a bull. Bulls hate being caged. I think that's why I ended up liking him so much, because he seemed to hate me just as much. And back then I thought of his insults as good attention. Irrespective of all this I think that boy acted as a catalyst in helping me realize my faults without knowing it. I know that he didn't care much to help me, but that doesn't change the fact that he unknowingly did. And I thank him for that.

I think I got slightly off the topic. The reason that I mentioned him in the first place was because, he was the reason I tried to look good(in the last couple of years at school). I thought that if I looked good enough he would like me. It took me a while to catch up and understand that it wasn't because I wasn't pretty enough but that I wasn't the kind of girl HE liked. He liked girls to be cute, girly girls and I was this barking mad dog with the temper of a bull. When I understood that there wasn't anything I could do to make him like me(and I didn't plan on changing myself for him), I started appreciating myself more.

I believe that's a problem that we all face. We need people to make us feel beautiful, loved and wanted. We need them to continuously drill it in us to believe it. And more so than not we start to believe the wrong things. If someone tells us we're unwanted we believe them! Nobody knows you better than yourself. You are always the best judge of you. Each of us are special. Never let anyone else tell you otherwise.

I believe that beauty is a feeling. It comes from within us. Like happiness. Like love. I think I'm beautiful most of the time, not because I'm breathtakingly gorgeous but because a happy, confident person is always a sight to behold.

This is based on the same theory as a smile. Doesn't matter if the person smiling is a toothless or if you have bug teeth(which is true in my case) or cavities or anything, the emotion going into the smile makes it a beauty of nature. It lights up our day. Even if the person smiling at you is a stranger. My mom tells me that I shouldn't smile too openly since my teeth are bigger than normal people. Never listen to people who tell you anything of this sort. Even if it is your parents. Smile openly, laugh till your stomach hurts. I can bet that you have the most beautiful smile in the world anyway!

I wouldn't say that I have grown up now, since I know I have a long way to go. And its not that I don't get as provoked at the tiniest thing easily or that I'm never depressed anymore. I still get pimples and hate going out on those days.

But I would like to believe that I have changed a lot. I handle situations differently, sometimes very calmly and other times worse than ever. I look at life very differently now, but more than that I look at myself differently.

When I look into the mirror now I see a girl who isn't ashamed of herself anymore but someone who revels in her individuality. A girl who has grown more comfortable in her skin than before, a girl who is a little more self assured and a little less arrogant. I'm still as self absorbed as ever and I'm working on it. I still have days when I feel like I'm right where I started. But I've changed. I know it. And how do I know it? Because I find myself falling more and more in love with me.

And that journey was what this article was all about.

Rose Weasley

P.S: And once I fell in love with myself the idiot that I had a crush on, fell in love with me! And I love you too Scorp!