Title: Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep
Author: firstflier
Theme: 045. Sleep
Rating: PG-13
Length: 700 words
Summary: Everyone knows that her everlasting faith is starting to be tested by the passage of time.
Author's Note: Not really sure where this one went to be perfectly honest. Much more angsty than I originally intended.
The news comes in that Tony's missing and all she can do is think about Rhodey's voice.
It sounds strained and tired on the phone and more than a little worried. It occurs to her, somewhat absently, that he's speaking to her like her husband has just died. Like she's got 2.5 kids at home and she has to tell them that Daddy won't be coming back. Like he's worried that she might spontaneously combust, throw up or both.
Her response surprises even her and she can hardly believe it's her calm voice speaking steadily down the phone.
"Just let me know when you've found him, Rhodey. I better go; there will be lots to do. I'll call tomorrow for an update."
Her brain must be on autopilot because she hangs up the phone and moves towards her laptop even as the bile gathers at the back of her throat. She notices that her vision is blurry before she notices that she's crying. It's a strange, detached feeling of calm that washes over her as she sit in front of her laptop and waits for the phone to ring.
The calm lasts all of 3 weeks.
When they still haven't found Tony, her unwavering optimism disappears in a flash that no one seems to be surprised at. In fact, people seem to have been waiting for it.
So when Pepper turns up to the office dressed all in black, everyone knows she has started thinking of the worst case scenarios. Outwardly, she still maintains the optimistic front that they will find Tony Stark, he will return as the infuriating CEO of Stark Industries and nobody is allowed in his office without her express permission, especially not to clear out his desk. But everyone knows that her everlasting faith is starting to be tested by the passage of time.
The bags under her eyes darken and her entire being looks dull. Her days and weeks merge together and when people ask her the date or what day of the week it is, she honestly can't recall without glancing at her curiously silent Blackberry.
After 2 months she looks an absolute mess.
She still wears all blacks. There are no greys or navy blues to break up the monotony of her mourning clothes. The time takes its toll on her and she wonders if she isn't cracking up just a little. Tony always could make her crazy and, now that he's disappeared into thin air, it's no different. Just because he's not around to make comments laden with innuendo and he's not there to mess up her schedule but he's still driving her mental a little bit at a time.
She wants to go up to people, shake them and wail because Tony Stark has vanished. She wants to shout and scream and when Sally on the third floor, 2 and a half months in to Tony's disappearance, wears a bright purple shirt to work, Pepper has to exercise all of her self restraint not to rip the damn thing off the poor girl's back. She walks past the water cooler and hears someone laughing and she wants to know why these people aren't in mourning. Why don't these people care? Why don't they realise that the world has been turned upside down and inside out because Tony Stark is missing? Why don't they care that the world is a strange, cruel, tormenting place? If they knew Tony like she knew – knows – Tony they wouldn't want to get out of bed in the morning.
Which is ironic because she hasn't actually been in her bed since this whole disaster began.
The bags under her eyes aren't just for decoration and when she nods off at her desk in the middle of the afternoon it's not because she likes cat naps. It's because she doesn't want to go to sleep. She doesn't want the nightmares, she doesn't want the cold sweats and she doesn't want to wake up with tears streaming down her face.
But most of all, she doesn't want to go to sleep because that means another day has passed where Tony Stark is still noticeably absent from her side.
~Fin.