Disclaimer : I own nothing - yadda, yadda, yadda - .
A/N : This came to me because I've been wanting to put the [summary's line] into a story for a while now. When I first wrote this, it had a happy ending. IT may or may not now. Read to find out! :D R&R
Sirius, dressed in a comfortable gray jumper, loose black jeans, and new, white athletic shoes, paced the 6th Year boy's dorm nervously. Why did he ask Remus if he could talk to him after Prefect duties? And where were James and Peter? And why did the back of his neck itch? Oh Merlin, he was sweating. Sirius Black does not sweat - no refuses to. His body just rejects the bodily grease . . . He took his hand to wipe some away, and shuddered at the warm, slimy, feeling. . .
'Ugh, it's like feeling Snape's hair', he thought disgustedly. Trying to focus his mind on less revolting thoughts, he began setting out what he was going to say. He wished he had set this up before he asked Remus to see him . . . He could come out straight-forward, or maybe drop some hints . . . Though he tried harder and more creative ideas, in the end, when it came to something that might work - he came out empty-handed. He sat on Remus' bed - because it was the closest; not because it was Remus'. . . at least he tried to convince himself that. He was so frustrated. What if he couldn't confess it to him? If he bailed? If he dragged Remus out by the lake, just to be alone? Not bad. Where the freak was James? I could really use his dating tips. Okay, that was a lie, he trusted Peter's dating tips more than James . . . And that was saying something. He wanted James so he could vent out to him . . . But since the damn boy wasn't here - left him with nothing to do but think "Fail, fail, fail, you're going to fail, and then Remus will hate you. Black, man up! You are the womanizer of Hogwarts!"
The other part of Sirius' mind retorted, "Exactly! Womanizer! I can't try my seducing skills with Remus cause he's 1) a bloke, 2) my friend, 3) Slow." As mean as it sounds, it was true. When it came to anything to do with love/feelings/confessions/crushes/kissing, etc. he either got very embarrassed, or it went over his head. He doesn't have much experience with it . . . Poor boy, doesn't know what he's missing. But I'll go over all he's missed. *Seductive Wink*
Sirius didn't realize how much time he had wasted by thinking of all the things him and Sirius will be able to do, sexual related or not, there was so much more . . . Then the door flew open, and in walked Remus, looking tired, worn out, and hot. His hair was messy, and resembled James' hair a lot, though Remus' could probably be tamed. His button down was half-way undone, and un-tucked. His pants seemed the only thing that looked fine . . . But they were covering too much - if you catch my drift. Remus looked angry though - and angry Remus is an even hotter Remus - being literal or not, hot is a nice term.
"Hey Sirius. . ." he greeted him with a flat, exasperated tone. He gave Remus a smile, and stood up. He went grabbed a few things Remus needed to change into due to the conditions of the December weather outside. He found his black snow-jacket, a red jumper, some warm boots, gloves, and a gold and red scarf. Remus watched him with curiosity and confusion.
"What's all that for?" he finally asked as he sat down on his bed. Sirius felt a surge of disappointment.
'Did Remus forget about me wanting to talk to him tonight?' He asked himself hopelessly. This was probably a choice though that Merlin has sent him. Did he still want to confess everything tonight and remind Remus of the outing, or will he decide that he should just have it blow-over, and maybe save it for another time? Sirius bit down on his lip, thinking heavily on the matter. Was he ready to tell? Was Remus ready to know? All these doubts only made him think that this was right. That the longer he waited the more doubts he would have to add to the list . . . Sirius was going to remind him . . . Even if he still had nothing planned. . . He was a quick thinker - he could do this!
"Yeah Moony, remember? You agreed to talk to me today . . . I have something important to tell you. . . But - but if you don't wanna anymore, or just aren't up for it, it's okay. Some other time maybe . . ." I'm such a girl . . . But Remus only gave a weak smile, and nodded.
"Right, sorry, forgot about that . . . Long day," he gave a small laugh, "Here, 'lemme change real quick." He undid the rest of the buttons, and then slipped his shirt off, revealing a built, tan body. . . And Sirius thought he was going to start sweating again - which would be miraculous for him to do twice in one day, but he was only getting turned on. Remus stripped off his school pants and found a pair of warmer one's in his trunk. He put them on, then the jumper Sirius had gotten for him, then he replaced his current shoes with the snow ones, and lastly, he put on his black jacket.
"Ready!" Remus announced, unaware Sirius had been watching him the entire time. Sirius shook his head.
"No you're not, you forgot your scarf and gloves," he said, smiling fondly, "here." He passed Remus the gloves but he held onto the scarf. While Remus was trying to fix the material of the gloves so they felt more comfortable, Sirius walked over and wrapped the scarf around securely. He separated the balled up parts, and Remus, who seemed to like the close proximately, blushed a red as Sirius was treated him like a child. When he looked like he was going to hike a winter mountain, Sirius grinned down at him, making him blush even deeper. Sirius, of course, noticed, but didn't mention anything. Instead, he took Remus' hand in his own, and led him downstairs to the Common Room, and out the portrait.
They raced through the halls, down to the first floor to the entrance. This felt so great, holding Remus' hand in his own, even if there was the glove material separating the flesh, he still felt the heats radiating through them. Then being out after-curfew gave him a rebellious feeling, one he couldn't place. As they finally reached the Great Entrance, Sirius suddenly remembered that he didn't have anything planned to say to Remus yet . . .
As Remus led their way towards their favorite tree by the lake, Sirius was rapidly thinking of something, anything, to say, but came out with nothing but the straight-forward approach. The snow crunched beneath their feet as they neared their destination. It was a cloudless night, giving a clear view of the moon. If they didn't know the effect of the moon, they would have described it as beautiful, the way the moonlight reflected off the frozen pond. They sat down and let go of each other's hands, Remus flushing, and Sirius missing and longing for the hand in his - Like his other half.
"So, what did you wanna talk about? Something you wanted in private, and to come out here instead?" Remus asked quietly in the night. Sirius saw his warm breath spread from his mouth at each word, and wish he could do the same with his words - but he had nothing to say. He searched frantically through his brain for some excuse or way to start with the confession . . .
"Remus, I've been Whomping my Willow thinking of you . . . Excuse me, but did you just perform Wingardium Leviosa on my "wand"? . . . I hope you speak Parseltongue - that way you can talk to my snake . . . Hey Remus, I can make you beat out Moaning Myrtle . . . Aha, a non-sexual one! Remus, you just performed an Alohomora on my heart. . . That was cheesy . . .
"I . . ." Love you? Want you? Need you? Then, a thought struck him. One that just-might-work. . .
"Remus, do you still owe me for the animagus idea?" Sirius asked, suddenly excited. Not down there though. Just excited that he finally might have found a way to make him do nothing, and have Remus do the work.
"Yeah . . . Of course. Even if you didn't do that I would always owe you. Just for being my friend and accepting me despite my condition and my poor fam-"
"Yeah yeah," he interrupted, "Remus, I found how you can repay me."
"How?"
"Kiss me." Remus mouth dropped open with shock, disbelief, confusion, and embarrassment. Sirius stared deep into his wide eyes, and showed no sign of amusement or sarcasm. He really wanted Remus to kiss him.
"Are you serious? Pun intended if wanted." Remus asked, still gaping at Sirius like he asked him to kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
"Yes, I am still Padfoot. And yes, I want you to kiss me. Right now, lips please." Sirius said matter-of-factly.
After a few passing moments of silence, Remus began crawling over on his hands and knees towards Sirius. Awkwardly, he placed his arm around Sirius' neck, and slowly brought his cold, trembling lips against Sirius' bit, soft ones. Immediately, it's like an electrical current shot through his body, making him shiver, but wanting more. He wrapped his other arm around Sirius' neck and pushed him flat down in the snow. Their mouths were working furiously against each other, and a moan escaped Sirius' mouth. They were no longer cold anymore though. . .
Remus soon did the same, and that's when he suddenly came back to his senses. He pulled back abruptly, and untangled his hands from Sirius' hair. He scooted himself backwards on his bottom, as far as he could, but keeping in to a conversation-distance range.
"S-sorry Sirius . . . I got . . . Carried away . ." he said, the reddest color Sirius has probably ever seen on someone, "I-I. . . Er - right . ." Sirius couldn't help but grin from ear to ear at him, probably looking insane right now.
"I only asked for a kiss Moony. Though the make-out was much, much, better." and he gave him a small wink. A few minutes silent went through again, until Remus broke it.
"Why?" he asked blankly, looking up at the moon. Damn, this was exactly what Sirius had been trying to avoid: Confessions, explanations, and those three words. Once again, he was at a loss for words.
"Wasn't it obvious?" was all he could say, and it was true. It should have been blunt enough for him. This is what he meant by saying Remus was slow when it came to love. . . Exhibit A., Sirius thought to himself as Remus looked confusedly at him. No, he refused to tell Remus. He wanted to see if it would really take him more than a minute to figure it out. He refused to tell him just like he refused to sweat - he didn't like it, but he can't control it, and it might just start. So to "cool himself down" and to "keep from sweating" aka blurting out everything he's been feeling for the past year, he tried to distract himself by admiring the lake. Anything to distract himself from the tense air, and the situation he put them both in. Which felt like forever, Remus seemed to have clicked it together.
"Y-you like me?" he said with shock, an odd look on his face. Sirius shook his head, and an even odder look passed through Remus' face.
"Oh." was all he said. Sirius scooted closer to Remus, and yanked him close, except not aggressively. He kissed Remus again, with everything he had been feeling. Remus this time wasn't responding though, just having his lips there like a play toy for Sirius to use. Annoyed, he pulled away, and glared at Remus. He glared back. Surprised at this expression, Sirius stopped staring him down.
"I thought you said you didn't like me. Really Sirius? Stop sending me mixed emotions! You and your whiplash; your antics are making me confused and - and, I don't understand what you wanted to talk to me about, how when I paid you back, how it related. And I'm so confused right now - cause one minute you're kissing me, or I'm kissing you, and the next you're saying that you don't like me - so what are these kisses supposed to mean then? Unless - are you trying to ask me if I want to do a 'Friends-with-Benefits' deal?" he asked in a strangled voice. Sirius let out a groan of frustration and annoyance.
"Damn you Remus! Making me say this! These - these confessions of emotions! Why didn't you pick up on the actions? Where do they get the idea that actions speak louder than words, because you must have none of your senses! You can't see what I'm doing, can't feel what I'm doing to you, can't taste what's been lingering on my mouth for a year , except the smelling sense. But listen up Moony - pray that your ears work, because I'm doing this once: I mother f-cking love you. I thought it was an infatuation for the longest - but it's not. It's everything more. It's more than a feeling - it's indescribable - it's - it's - intangible! To want you in my arms - for more than sexual enjoyment is an amazing feat - If I do say myself; To see you and think I love him and I want him to be mine, is instinct, it's what my mind is telling me - not just my body. And this whole refinement is new to me . . . That's how I know it's genuine. And I hate you right now for making me pour myself out to you, when you could have just stayed here kissing me. And no, this is not a 'Friends-For-Benefits' talk either; this is a earnest, heart-felt, unimpeachable, confession that girls do. So thanks Remus, thanks for making me sound like a girl, as if being gay isn't enough to be even more like one. Now, I swear, if you didn't understand that - at least if you didn't get the gist of it . . ." he trailed breathlessly into the night. The cold chills had crept back to him, and he was shaking slightly, since he didn't have a jacket like Remus', just his gray jumper. After saying all that, while looking straight into Remus' beautiful eyes - he suddenly couldn't bring himself to keep doing so. He looked away - up at the moon, waiting for his response.
Long silence passed, and he was starting to get tired, but every once in awhile, an icy breeze would blow against them, leaving Sirius feeling wide awake every time. He didn't know what time it was - but he was really hoping that they weren't going to spend the entire Friday night there - all the way to Saturday morning. Fortunately, Remus seemed to have finally thought out exactly what he was going to say.
"Sirius . . I'm sorry . . I - I didn't understand. I never . . . Never expected you to love -" but Sirius interrupted him with a snort, "To love? Yeah - I didn't think I was capable of doing so either." Remus, ignoring his statement, continued on, "to love me. I guess I was blind, because I never got the signs. And then - tonight - when you shook your head - you just meant that you didn't like me, you loved me . . . And I didn't catch on . . . I know I can be a bit slow when it comes -"
"A bit?" Sirius said with sarcasm,
"But do you still love me? Despite my tendency to misunderstand messages and signs?" he asked strangely, almost disappointedly. He seemed to know the answer correctly this time.
"Of course," the words were hard and icy, like his whole body. (Not that type of hard .) Sirius was done with the bull and just wanted an acceptation or a rejection now or never.
"Remus, tell me now, so we can get back in the castle, and snuggle by the fireplace if you say yes - or we can shiver in our own beds, while I think about what could have been - and never will. Give me a yes or no - Will you take me? Take me and my love for you? Will you love me back? Do you love me right now? Cause if you don't . . . I'll still try - but at least if you like me right now - it's enough. Do you . . .er, like or love me?" Sirius said, trying not to sound like he was pleading. Sirius expected his answer to be yes, assuming by the kiss they shared, but his heart was broken by the actual answer.
"No." No. All of this - for nothing. His breakdown of all of it - of everything he's felt for him for this long. How it isn't just his hormones speaking Remus' name, but it's his heart, soul, and mind, It's like he doesn't want to believe it - and he even managed to speak those three words, and was so proud that he actually meant them - and Remus had repudiated them . . .
"Why?" he asked, masking his emotions, his hurt, his humiliation, the chagrin . . .
"Because I'm not ready," Remus answered quietly, so quietly that Sirius barely caught the words.
"What? I understand that you don't love me. . .but you don't even like me?" Cause you were pretty into that kiss back there.
"I do . .just, like what you said, but the opposite. I like the attraction, but I haven't developed emotions for you, if you know what I'm saying . . . "
"Right," he said, feeling stupid now, "But why did you make me confess all of that?"
"I didn't make you, Sirius, you felt obligated to."
"But - but you had gotten so angry - referring me to the whiplash and shit. What was that about then?"
"That was for me to figure out what I felt at the moment myself. I needed to warn my mind if that was the 'Friends-for-Benefits' idea, and so I could think if I really did harbor feelings for you . . . And it's like I half do - half don't. Like, I know they're there. . . They always have been. But I needed to remind myself that if I was the newest trend to you, that I can't let myself get attached . . . And if you really did love me - then it was okay to think on it. . ." Sirius mind was swirling, and he couldn't follow what he was saying, cause Remus seemed like he was more talking to himself than Sirius. So he thought of the last thing he said, that it's okay to think on it. So did that mean that Remus was going to give him a try? He asked this question aloud, and Remus smiled sadly.
"It's. . . I'm going to wait. See how I feel about you in a few months . . . Because I don't want to go out with you and mislead you, if I don't feel the same, and I can't say those words back . . . I want to make sure I'm saying the truth. I want to be able to mean it when I say I love you," Remus said. Sirius heard those last 3 words, but he knew they were empty shells with no meaning behind it.
"Are you willing to wait for me, Sirius?" Remus asked hopefully. Sirius wanted to say no, that even though Remus was willing to offer him a choice that if he waited, would Remus feel the same in time, Sirius wanted to tell him that he wasn't a girl, who was going to wait around for her Prince Charming . . .
"I love you Remus, and I'm willing to wait until the day I die when you say those words and really mean them," Sirius couldn't say what his mind wanted him to say, because he knew that was cruel - and a lie. What he did say was what his heart told him to - and he believed in every word he said. There was nothing more to say. . . They just had to wait. Remus was first to stand up, and brush all the snow he got on his butt, knees, gloves - everywhere basically. Sirius just had it on his back, his legs, and his butt. They headed back to the castle in silence. Don't ask how, but they managed to peacefully get back to the Common Room without getting caught. They changed their clothes, but before returning to their own beds, they shared an awkward hug.
Them they went to their bed and laid down. Since they were directly across from each other, they usually said good-night before pulling their curtains around them. It wasn't as late as they expected - 1:47 A.M. Which wasn't that long for the awkward tension outside that made them feel like eternity, and Sirius thought that maybe they were frozen in time at that period because the surrounding landscaped never changed with the time.
"Good-night Sirius." Remus said softly from across, with a soft pull, the curtains were drawn. As usual, it was Sirius' turn, like every night to say his part, and pull his curtains, but he changed his line instead, hoping for a response of some sort.
"I love you Remus."
But as expected, there was no answer.
A/N: Like - Hate ? Review . Flames are welcome, haha. If that was a bit confusing - sooorry! ): Well, it made sense to me, haha. Quick Sum : Sirius loves Remus, Remus doesn't. Sirius will wait and see if Remus will inna few months. Remus didn't want to at first because he didn't know if Sirius was messing with him. He wasn't expecting a confession of love. Remus decides that he's going to try. And maybe they'll fall in love eventually ?
Ps: This is a One Shot:)
And Also - R E V I E W ! :D