Okay, so it took me a while, but I completed the first Cirkus of Parodiee crack fic. And boy, does it read like I was taking some crack hard :P I just felt inspired to write an alternative to Twilight we can all be happy with and put in the gore, violence and action most Mormons condemn yet we love. I've never written anything so violent in my life, but it's really not all that bad, but you have been warned: there will be a flamethrower. Actually, that just makes the whole thing cooler, doesn't it? And who doesn't want to see the Cullens get what they deserve?
Read on and fulfil the fantasy, my friends…
Title:The Uprising
Rating: MA15+
Disclaimer: Seriously, do you really think SMeyer cares what I do with her stupid characters? She's probably too busy making money angels in her big piles of cash from her God-awful books or writing creepy letters to RPatz…
Summary: It's time to take out the glittery trash…
A meeting was taking place down at the old Forks Town Hall. It wasn't like all the other meetings the town usually had about local politics or the Christmas carnival or church fete, or what to do about the huge patch of marijuana they found out the back of the La Push Reservation and how they would share the profits from its sale. No, it wasn't your average small town meeting, or your average small town in for that matter.
This meeting had been called at short notice due to an emergency. Needless to say, the town turned up in huge numbers and were eager to know how they could help the situation. God knows the trouble had to end sooner or later.
As everyone took their seats in the town hall filled to capacity, Forks mayor Michael Norris called for quiet at the podium. The audience began to quieten as he cleared his throat and began to speak.
"I know this is quite short notice and I apologise," he said solemnly. "But tonight we must put our words into action. We have spoken on this issue for many, many months now, but now enough is enough. We will no longer pretend to be ignorant, to sweep this issue under the rug and live on in fear. Tonight, this ends."
The townspeople began to cheer rapturously at his words as Mayor Norris took a deep breath, contemplating what was soon to come but knew what needed to be done. "People, people, I ask for quiet as I continue!" he commanded. "First, we need to report any activity we have seen over the past month… about the vampires in Forks. And Miss Bella Swan"
Chatter rose among the townspeople until one member, Mike Newton, took the floor.
"I heard Bella and Edward were gonna get engaged!" cried Mike. "I mean, I didn't even get a chance! I followed her around, held her books, let her work at my parents' store and still…"
"Mike, please!" Mayor Norris groaned. "We get it, you never got to tap that. But please, the floor is for real activity about the vampires and Bella to worry about."
Sheepishly, Mike sat back down while some around him snickered.
The next to take the floor was school receptionist Ms. Cope.
"Those smarmy little Cullen bastards," she spat. "Can you believe this? That Edward Cullen tried to hypnotise me or whatever into changing Bella Swan's classes again to match his! All her classes!"
"I had that little bitch Alice Cullen smash into my car in the school parking lot 'cos she was going 200 miles an hour or whatever comin' 'round the corner!" exclaimed Mr Banner. "She just laughed and tried to throw some money at me to buy a new one, like it was nothing! My God, the way they just waste money like they do…"
"I know!" agreed Coach Clapp, local PE teacher. "Have you seen their house out in the middle of the forest? And the way they just swan around town with their noses up high with their expensive clothes and cars and smarmy smiles…"
A local nurse from the hospital then stood up, a young man in his 20s. "I saw Dr Cullen the other day in the blood bank down the hall, obviously packing away some bags for himself. And the way I've seen him stare at some of the patients… His bloodlust is still alive and well, people. I'm really scared, for everyone."
"I just can't understand how Bella Swan can be around those sick fucks!" said Eric Yorkie up the back. "She must be as sadistic as they are."
"It's the allure," remarked Jessica Stanley next to him. "She thinks that by association she can have the money and the fancy cars and most importantly to become some powerful vampire. That really is the ultimate in selling your soul."
"Well, the Cullens and Bella totally deserve each other," sniffed Angela Weber. "She's just as cold and lifeless, the bitch. To think she just expected us to be friends again when she came crawling back after Edward left."
"Why did she have to come back to Forks?" wondered Billy Black aloud, sitting at the front. "The vampires are more out of control than ever, she's worsening the war! They'll break the treaty anyway when they make her one of them. They promised peace and they've broken their word!"
Billy became more distressed. "But that's not the worst of all. Bella Swan made a pussy out of my son!"
Jacob, sitting next to his dad, stood up immediately, annoyed with clenched fists at his sides. "Dad, I am not!" he whined, followed by laughter from the whole congregation in the hall. Though his ego was bruised, he continued. "It's not my fault Bella was such a cocktease whore!"
"God, don't I know it," sighed Billy. "You haven't shut up about it for months."
"Shut up, Dad!"
"No, you!"
"Enough!" Mike Newton snapped back. "You never had a chance with her, Black! At least I wouldn't be giving her fleas like you, bitch!"
The two suddenly culminated into fisticuffs, Jacob forming into a werewolf on cue and trying to nip at Mike's heels before Mayor Norris stepped between both boy and dog. Not man's best friend indeed.
*groans at such a corny joke ensue*
"Boys!" yelled Mayor Norris. "I mean boy and dog! Bad dog! Stop, we need to get through this! Sit back down this instant!"
Mike and wolf-Jacob sheepishly slinked back to their seats. But not before Jacob pissed on Mike's leg on the way past.
Suddenly standing from his seat was Forks Police Chief Charlie Swan, his face solemn, looking dejected. Yet he still willed himself to speak. "Everyone, hold on a minute…"
Slowly, the din decreased before falling silent altogether, listening to their respected chief's words with the utmost attention.
Chief Swan took a deep breath. "Look, I know my daughter has been brainwashed by these vampire scum and that she can be an insufferable jerkass who is so self-absorbed and vapid even Snooki looks like an intellectual compare to her and is usually Too Dumb to Live™, but… she is still my Bella. I just want her back, okay? I just want to help her and live in peace again…" Tears started to appear in his eyes. "I want my daughter back!"
The townspeople felt his pain. Bella may have been a total harpie bitch, but Charlie was still a father in pain. Now they truly did want to help with the cause.
Mayor Norris composed himself back at the podium, touched by Chief Swan's plea. He knew what he had to do.
"People," he commanded, with everyone's attention to him now. "If there is anything I've learnt from my brother Chuck and his high octane-fuelled action series Walker, Texas Ranger, it's that we kill the vampires responsible for destroying our town and set them on fire. Who is with me?"
The townspeople stood up from their seats and cheered a might cheer, ready to kill the Cullens whatever means necessary. Hell, even I'll join in!
"We'll show those hoity-toity Cullens!" Mayor Norris screamed from the podium, now commanding with the grace and charisma President Obama usually possessed, especially for a corrupt small-town mayor. "We'll show them that we're not just drunken hicks, but drunken, violent hicks!"
On second thought, maybe it's more the charisma usually possessed by President Bush…
(And for the record, this author is a good-old country girl by birth, so no offence intended, alright?:P)
The people of Forks walked as one to the uber-mansion in the forest, a symbol of greed and terror that had plagued them for far too long. And in a fashion akin to that of The Expendables, Hot Fuzz and any other high-octane action sequences you've ever seen, you will finally see some action in the Twilight franchise. Seriously, Twilight must be the only vampire movies in existence not to feature the two most-needed ingredients of that genre: blood and beatdowns.
They had pitchforks, fire on sticks, Molotovs, shotguns, whips, chains, machetes, swords, bare fists, bricks, ninja death stars, even AK-47s kindly made available by Chief Swan and the Forks Police Force! Hell, even Billy Black had a flamethrower from God knows where! Unfortunately, though, Mike Newton had been left with only a lighter and deodorant can to use. The wolves, of course, also joined in, salivating at the chances to chew up some vampires, even if they would have to lick the glitter out of their fur afterwards.
There was no time for pleasantries as Chief Swan proceeded to kick down the front door, finding his insufferable daughter and the equally insufferable Edward Cullen together in the dining room, he pushing his supposed beloved out of the way and into a nearby floor-length mirror, smashing into glorious pieces as he came at the angered crowd, baring his teeth and glittering so elegantly in battle he blinded a few people on the way past.
Charlie, however, showed no fear in his Rambo-esque regalia: bandanna around his head, khakis, a bullet belt criss-crossing his chest and dirty wifebeater.
"Gim' back ma daughter!" he screamed. He fired round after round after round but the bullets merely deflected off Edward's stone-hard chest that Bella usually creamed herself over. Edward smiled sinisterly, though Charlie was undeterred. Soon, some other cops on the police force helped a brother out and started to attack Edward with all they had, firing back.
Meanwhile, a few other townspeople came at Rosalie and Esme, swinging swords in their direction as the two women tried to leap away from the blades. While Rosalie made it away in time, Esme, the most useless character in the franchise, had both arms hacked off in seconds, followed by her head, rolling away pathetically with a shocked look upon her face.
In outrage for his wife, Carlisle, who had been watching from the top of the stairs, flew down, leaving cracks in the floorboards and pouncing on not one but two townspeople and chowing down, showing no sign of the façade he had once maintained of the good-natured local doctor, sinking teeth into flesh and loving every minute of it. What he didn't see coming, though, were the flames from Billy Black's flamethrower that proceeded to burn him to glittery yet bloody cinders, a beautiful sight at such a violent scene. To think this was the undignified death of a killing machine.
The others were tough to handle but the peoplepersevered through sheer willpower and lots and lots of beer, and violence and gore. Ms Cope and teachers Mr Banner and Coach Clapp caught up with Rosalie in the home entertainment quarters of the grand mansion and sliced off one of her designer jean-clad legs, Ms Cope stamping her in the face and beating her with it at the same time.
However, Rosalie still got her own back by ripping out the heart of Mr Banner and showing to him before he died. "If I'm going to Hell, you're coming down with me!" she laughed maniacally.
But before she could eat him, too, Coach Clapp was able to cut off her head with one clean slice of the samurai sword he got from Hong Kong 17 years ago as a present from a Bruce Lee impersonator. There was no time to mourn the loss of Mr Banner in the middle of the warfare as Ms Cope and Coach Clapp fled to the next room.
Jasper was next as the wolves cornered him in, of all places, the toilet in Esme and Carlisle's ensuite upstairs, charging at him as he tried to bite back at the wolves, gnashing his sharp teeth but losing the battle as the wolves gained the upper hand, their teeth more superior as they chewed up Jasper like… well, a chew toy. Ba dum, tish! :P The wolves later quenched their thirst by giving into instinct and drinking from the toilet.
Alice, even with her superior power of foresight (whenever the plot called for it, at least), was cornered herself, trying to foresee the moves the boy would make next but getting nothing but a jumbled mess. "My power!" she screamed in her bell-like voice. "Why must you fail me now?"
Mike Newton was able to put his deodorant can and lighter to good use as he lit Alice's hair on fire, while Eric Yorkie sliced off Alice's face with his dad's machete. Unfortunately, he, too, died a hero's death as Alice pulled him into the flames now consuming her. Neither could have foretold such horror that lay ahead, especially since the plot had failed Alice this time around. Mwa ha ha….
Now I know why SMeyer enjoys playing puppetmaster with her characters! :P
Everyone knew Emmett would be even tougher to bring down, leaving him towards the last to defeat. The whole Forks Police Force, the wolves, Billy Black, Jessica, Angela and Mayor Norris (brother of Chuck) all came at him with everything they had. Angela flicked lit matches at him while Mayor Norris sliced off as much of Emmett as he could with the 12 steak knives he got free with the StairMaster he ordered online, with the Police firing all they could at this heinous monster.
However, it was Billy Black who brought Emmett down by turning his flamethrower all the way to 11 and burning that motherfucker to nothing. However, Mayor Norris' steak knives did help to cut off one of Emmett's earlobes and a finger. Nonetheless, this Goliath had been destroyed.
They had exterminated the vampires. Now, all but two remained…
As the other townspeople stood aside, standing amongst the ruins that Chez Cullen now lay in, a Mexican stand-off now ensued between Charlie, his daughter and her abusive vampire boyfriend. It's an episode of Jerry Springer time forgot. That or the viewers just weren't ready for it…
Charlie stood almost defeated as he watched his daughter cling pathetically to that sparkly arsehole demon. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes, so strong until now. "Bella, honey, please…" he pleaded, laying down his AK-47. "We can free you, come back to me. You can change this."
The citizens of Forks (well, whoever remained alive…) really didn't want Bella back, but were not going to spoil such a tender moment between father and daughter (and abusive boyfriend) in amongst all the bloodshed.
Bella, however, wasn't sharing in the sentiment, practically spitting in her father's face. Even after the slaughter of the rest of the Cullens and standing amongst all the blood and glitter of her supposed 'family' and raising the ire of all of Forks, she was still going to, in the words of Tammy Wynette, stand by her man.
"No, Dad," she replied bitterly, with gritted teeth. "You have killed my family, but you shan't never kill my love."
The townspeople groaned in unison, some swearing aloud, Mike accidentally lighting himself on fire with his deodorant can.
"I love him!" Bella cried. "He's gonna turn me into a vampire and finally I will be more powerful and beautiful than all you braindead hillbilly freaks! Fuck yeah!"
Edward, meanwhile, snarled at Charlie, a triumphant smile on his face before curling it back to bare his teeth once again. "I'm sorry, Mr Swan," he spat. "But your daughter has made her choice…"
Charlie sighed. "Fine, Bella. Then you leave me no choice instead…"
It was time for the last phase of the plan should Bella refuse to leave Edward. All the townspeople quickly dispersed from the house while Charlie screamed out for his 'reinforcements.'
"Now, now! Come on, do it!" he beckoned.
Charlie then quickly jumped out of the way and out the front door of the castle of this twisted fairytale as lo and behold Tyler, driving his infamous van, ploughed through the front door and hurdled towards both Edward and Bella together in each other's embrace. Finally, they would get their Romeo and Juliet ending, what they so sorely wanted.
"Now I can finish what I started!" screamed Tyler, driving as fast as he could.
"I love you, Ed-" But Bella and Edward were rammed down in full cinematic gore before she could finish her sentence.
Tyler then quickly jumped out of the van and to the front door.
"Get back, it's gonna blow!" he screamed.
Seconds later, the van exploded, and, nay, so did the home which once housed the most sparkly vampires in all the land. Fire exploded high into the sky from 15 different camera angles in a fantastic fashion, bam, bam, bam!11 Both Charlie and Tyler leapt away from the house in time as it exploded, finally safe. All everyone could do was watch on, exhausted yet accomplished.
Mayor Norris came to stand in front of his constituents. "It's over," he simply breathed. "It's finally over…"
A cheer rose from the people. Humans had defeated the vampires. With a van. And a flamethrower. And a few knives and swords thrown in for good measure.
Boy, were they all going to get drunk tonight. Yet our dear heroes deserved every beer they would chug, for they had finally slain the evil Cullens and Bella too. It was a story that would be written in folklore for the rest of time…
Fin
Hmm… I wonder if I should base my next story on the POV of the van next. I can see it now: Driven to Kill: Portrait of Tyler's Van :P