NO MORE CLOWNING AROUND
companion to
A CURE FOR THE HICCUPS
Author's Note: Huzzah, the not-so-long-awaited sequel has arrived! Although you don't need to read "Cure for the Hiccups" first, I highly recommend it, since most of the jokes have been carried over. Review, review, review, and I shall send youan e-pie. Actually, I won't, but it can't hurt to try, can it? XD
CHAPTER ONE
Fuu crossed her arms and stood, tapping her foot impatiently, while Mugen shimmied up a tree on the side of the road.
"See anything yet?" she called up.
"NO!" yelled Mugen. Fuu and Jin cringed. He was still only a few branches up and could have probably just spoken in a normal voice, but Mugen was the kind of guy who liked to shout.
"How about now?" she asked as Mugen disappeared into the dense foliage.
"I SEE TWO REALLY NASTY WOMEN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO FIGURE… NO, WAIT!" shouted Mugen. "IT'S JUST YOU AND JIN!"
"Shall I cut down the tree?" asked Jin, reaching for his katana.
"Wait until he climbs higher," suggested Fuu.
"WAIT! I SEE IT!"
"Really?" cried Fuu, temporarily forgetting that Mugen was a jerk.
"YEAH! THERE'S THE CHECK-POINT! IT'S JUST A LITTLE SPECK IN THE DISTANCE…"
There was a crack like a gunshot and Mugen came plummeting down through the trees. Jin tackled Fuu out of the way, but he needn't have bothered; Mugen landed upside-down with a vine wrapped around one foot, dangling several feet above them. A shower of leaves and small twigs followed him, along with his sword, which landed with a muffled thump.
"We're definitely on the right road," said Mugen, crossing his arms and trying to maintain his composure upside-down.
"So, what was that about seeing two shapeless women?" asked Fuu.
"Uh, nothing. Nothing at all. Bit of help, here?"
"Leave him, or cut him down?" mused Jin. "Both are tempting…"
"Hey, come on, buddy!" begged Mugen. "I was just kidding. You're both very beautiful ladies…"
"Leave him," said Fuu and Jin in unison.
"WAIT!" cried Mugen, thrashing around in the air. "Can you at least hand me my sword? PLEASE? Guys…?"
"So, when are we going back for him?" muttered Fuu as she and Jin walked away.
"Give him ten minutes," drawled Jin. "Considering how short his attention span is, that will be plenty to drive him to insanity."
"I sort of hoped he would be a little nicer to me," grumbled Fuu. "After I cured his hiccups and all."
The previous day, Mugen had come down with a severe case of hiccups, which he claimed were incurable. It had taken them over twenty-four hours to finally rid him of the hiccups, and they had fallen behind on their "schedule," much to Fuu's dismay. Even though Fuu was only fifteen, and wore a floral pink kimono, she meant business. The two men she'd dragged along with her—Jin and Mugen—were less enthusiastic about finding the Sunflower Samurai. ("Smells of sunflowers? Sounds like a queer to me," Mugen had said. "I'm allergic to sunflowers," added Jin. Fuu had told Mugen to be less homophobic, and told Jin to take Flonase. Jin had pointed out Flonase didn't exist in feudal Japan, to which Fuu had stomped on his foot.)
But despite the whines of the rogue and ronin, Fuu had gotten them back on the road, and they were due to come to the next check-point that very day.
"We're making great time!" she'd tried to tell them. "And I heard there's a festival there, so there'll be plenty of free food—"
"And women," whispered Mugen loudly.
"—and drinks—"
"And women."
"—and things to see—"
"And women."
"—and people to talk to—"
"And women."
"And it'll be a great opportunity to ditch you two!" exclaimed Jin loudly. Then he muttered under his breath, "Sounds great."
"Er, Jin? You said the quiet part loud, and the loud part quiet," said Mugen.
"Oops."
Knowing that Jin and Mugen were getting restless made Fuu want to travel even faster. But she supposed she could take a ten-minute break, if it taught Mugen a lesson in manners.
She and Jin waited down the road, out of the sight and the hearing of Mugen.
"So, how big is this little festival going to be, anyway?" asked Jin moodily.
"Huge!" said Fuu happily. "There'll be floats and acrobats and clowns… and I bet you and Mugen can earn some money with your swords and we can get a real place to sleep! Just imagine, real food in our stomachs! No more grass!"
"It's not so bad," said Jin through a mouthful of leaves.
"Well," added Fuu. "It's been a few minutes. We should probably go cut Mugen down."
With a grudging scowl, Jin pushed off the tree he'd been leaning against, and by Fuu's side, the two began walking back down the road to find Mugen.
He was, as they suspected, still tangled and dangling from the tree.
"Go away!" he snapped when he saw them. His words were muffled because he was biting his wrist. "I'll get out of here myself!"
"Why are you chewing on your wrist?" asked Fuu curiously.
"I'm gonna bite off my hand to escape!" said Mugen proudly. "Just like animals in the wild do. It'll hurt, but I'll do it! I'm from Ryuuku—I can do anything I need to, to survive!"
"Has it occurred to you that you're dangling by your legs, and it would be easier to release yourself by chewing off a foot?" asked Jin cynically.
"Well, yeah," said Mugen, turning his neck to maintain eye contact with Jin. (He was slowly twisting on his vine.) "But how would I walk away if I was missing my feet?"
Jin sighed. "I'll get you down," he said grudgingly. He jumped up and grabbed a low-lying branch, heaving himself up. "Ready?" he asked.
"Sure, I'm ready," said Mugen nonchalantly.
"On the count of three. One… two…" Jin's sword flashed and cut through the vine. Mugen dropped to the ground, hit a branch on the way, and landed flat on his stomach, leaves and nuts falling on top of him.
Fuu laughed herself senseless, and Jin leaned back on his branch with a smirk of self-satisfaction.
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO IT ON TWO?" yelled Mugen angrily.
"Oh, just for fun," hummed Jin, hopping out of the tree. "Shall we continue, then?"
Mugen climbed to his feet, swearing quietly under his breath, and picked up his sword. "Yeah," he said, sheathing it. "Let's just hurry up and get to the festival so we can get some grub. I'm starving…"
"Gravity makes you hungry, huh?" asked Fuu, still laughing at Mugen's fall.
"Aw, shut up," mumbled Mugen, running a hand through his spiky hair to get the twigs out of it. "You'll wish you never laughed at me once I dump you at that festival!"
As they approached the check-point they began to hear music and laughter.
"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" said Mugen, already starting to run off to cause trouble. Fuu grabbed the back of his coat just in time.
"Oh, no you don't! We're all staying together! Got it? Jin?"
"Yes, Fuu," the two grumbled.
"We'll look around, but I don't want to get into any crazy situations like we usually do! Got it? I don't want either of you challenging anyone to a fight, or… I don't know… dressing up as women to sneak into brothels…"
"I only did that once!" cried Jin.
"…or getting me kidnapped…"
Jin and Mugen both protested vehemently that, if Fuu got kidnapped, it was her own fault.
"Geez, you set fire to a field of pot twenty feet high one time and suddenly no one trusts you…" mumbled Mugen.
"Women are so unfair," agreed Jin.
Fuu wedged herself between the two of them and grabbed their sleeves, Mugen's red coat in her right hand, and Jin's blue kimono in her left. She kept a close eye on them as the music grew louder.
"Now, remember, no wacky hijinks" she warned them.
"What are you, my mom?" demanded Mugen.
Suddenly the forest opened up and they were facing a huge town, packed full of celebrating people. People were hanging out of every window, laughing and waving bright cloths. The streets were packed with children running around, vendors shouting out, and jugglers. A giant gold and red dragon snaked past them as they approached the street.
"Whoa," breathed Mugen excitedly. He strained against Fuu, who held onto his sleeve.
"We're not going anywhere or buying anything until we eat first," she snapped.
"But—but Fuu! They're got glowsticks!" whined Mugen.
"There's no glowsticks in feudal—"
"Hey, Jin," snapped Mugen. "If you care so much about everything being perfect, why don't you get rid of those stupid Armani glasses?"
Jin looked like he'd been slapped. "First of all, these are Calvin Klein…"
"Oh, both of you, stop bickering," grumbled Fuu. "Come on, let's get moving. We can ask that clown where—"
Mugen let out a piercing scream of terror and wrenched away so quickly that Fuu hardly saw him leave. She was left holding his coat; Mugen himself had dived into some bushes on the side of the road.
"What's with him?" she asked.
"He's just weird," said Jin.
"You're probably right," she agreed. "Excuse me!"
The clown she'd gestured to earlier strode over. He was a skinny man, with his face painted white, and his eyes rimmed with blue to match his hair. "Yes?" he asked with an over-done bow.
"We're looking for a place to buy…" She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "…passports. I mean, legitimate ones." Although Fuu was sure she could get in trouble asking such a question, she wasn't too scared to ask a clown. After all, if he narked, it would be her and Jin's words against his. And no one was going to believe the clown.
"I'm afraid I don't know," said the clown apologetically.
"Well, do you know who we can ask to buy passports?"
"I don't know that either."
"How about where we can get through the checkpoint without passports?"
"Nope!" said the clown jovially.
"Don't you know anything at all?" asked Fuu.
"Sure. I know how to do this," said the clown. He pulled a balloon from the back pocket of his wide pants, blew it up, and twisted it. Fuu and Jin cringed at the squeaking noise it made.
"Ta-da," said the clown, holding out a non-distinct balloon animal out.
"Yay!" cried Jin, taking it. "It's a dog!"
Fuu sighed with disgust.
"You know," added Jin gravely. "I always wanted to be a clown. But they said I wasn't funny enough, so instead I became a samurai."
"I see," said the clown. "Surely you can't be that bad. Let's hear you tell a joke."
"Oh, no…" moaned Fuu, who had had some experience with Jin's jokes.
"Why do dogs run around in circles?" asked Jin eagerly.
"Why?" asked the clown.
"Well, if they're watch dogs, they're winding themselves up…"
Fuu groaned. The clown just stared. "That was… awful. You, sir," he said finally, "insult my dignity. Good day!" With an annoyed squeak of his nose, he turned around and walked off, his big shoes flopping.
Jin looked crestfallen. "Don't you get it? Watch? Winding?"
Fuu patted his arm. "You're a good samurai, Jin."
"But it's a joke. Watch dogs…"
"Come on, help me find Mugen."
Mugen was by the side of the road, face-down in some bushes with only his feet sticking out.
"Mugen, what are you doing?" demanded Fuu.
There was a pause, some rustling, and then Mugen's muffled voice: "Umm… nothing. Just… you know…chilling."
Fuu grabbed one of Mugen's feet and Jin grabbed the other, and they pulled him out of the thick underbrush. He dug his nails into the ground like a cat, but in the end, Jin and Fuu managed to tug him out.
"Uh, guys, listen…" began Mugen, glancing around nervously. He had scratches all over his arms and face from the bush. "I've been thinking. This whole festival things sounds like trouble… and… uh, let's just avoid it. Because, you know, I can't control myself. Yeah… let's just go around the entire town, okay?"
Fuu and Jin exchanged glances.
"Mugen, you wanted to go to the little carnival thing just a few minutes ago," said Jin.
"Remember? Glowsticks?" added Fuu.
"And balloon dogs!" added Jin, holding up his balloon.
"Please," said Mugen. Fuu was shocked. Mugen had never said "please" before. And the way he was sitting on the ground, looking up at them with such pleading eyes…
"Okay. What has gotten into you?" demanded Fuu, putting her hands on her hips while Jin played with the balloon dog behind her.
"Nothing!" cried Mugen. "I'm just… just looking out for your best interests, Fuu! I wanna find this Sunflower Samurai as much as you! And I'm telling you… that fair is trouble!" He stood up and brushed himself off. He grabbed his red coat from Fuu's arm and, slinging it on, said curtly, "Come on, let's go! If we start now we can reach the other end of the town by dawn tomorrow! And then it's off to Nagasaki!"
Fuu grabbed the collar of his coat, right before he began walking off into the woods. "No, Mugen! We're going through the town. It's faster, and besides, we need money and food. Now tell me what your problem is!"
"I don't have a problem!" cried Mugen, trying to bat Fuu off of him. She let go. Jin suddenly gestured to her.
The two walked a few feet away from Mugen and put their heads together conspiratorially. (Jin was sure to include the balloon animal, too.) Mugen remained on the edge of the forest, frantically shifting from one foot to the other. He gulped. Whatever Jin and Fuu were up to, it was nothing good.
Finally they broke their huddle. Jin handed the balloon dog to Fuu, walked up to Mugen until their faces were nearly touching, and said, "Mugen. This is your last chance to tell us why you're suddenly so eager to avoid the town."
"I told you… there's no reason!" said Mugen.
"You leave me no choice." Jin lunged. The two fell rolling on the ground, and Jin finally pinned him down, tickling his ribs with his free hand. Mugen laughed like a hyena.
"No!" he gasped, tears of laughter rolling down his face. "Ha ha! Stop! Please! Ha, ha! Jin, stop! Hee hee hee hee…"
"Tell us!" demanded Fuu.
"No!" gasped Mugen. He laughed even harder, snorting a few times.
"Fuu, I don't think he can breathe…" said Jin uncertainly.
"Don't stop until he tells us."
"Hahahaha okay!" cried Mugen. "Okay, I'll tell! Hee, hee! Please! Stop! Hee hee hee!"
"Tell us."
"Okay!" gasped Mugen. "Please! Ha ha ha! It's because… tee, hee… because… hee, hee… I'm afraid of clowns!"