Touring Pandora

This is a humor fic. These tidbits are scenes I felt were missing from the movie. Sure, we got to see the glamorous life of Jake Sully and the epic vision of Pandora. It's time to illustrate the less-than glamorous parts. There will be more to come.

**

Not in the Brochure

Site 26 was a shithole, literally. Running water was something of a joke out here, and regular flush toilets were apparently too much to ask for. Exopacks were supposed to filter out the toxic Pandoran atmosphere, but even these devices couldn't handle the stench from the chemical toilet. Trudy cursed under her breath, wondering exactly how she wound up unclogging the sewage pipeline for a bunch of scientists and one crippled marine, or what the fuck they had been eating to create this ungodly disaster.

"Hey, can you hurry up out there? This body has been waiting an entire day." Norm radioed, watching from the relative safety inside. Oh yes, the glamorous duty of an Avatar driver, training your body not piss itself while in the psionic link machine for twelve hours a day. Certainly that little tidbit hadn't made it into the RDA recruitment brochure.

"Open your mouth again and I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to take a dump standing up." Trudy answered.

"Love you too." Norm whispered to himself, trying not to laugh. Whatever amusement he may have been experiencing fled immediately with the gut wrenching pain in his midsection.

"I told you not to eat the fruit." Jake quipped, watching as Norm doubled over in agony.

"Pandoran fruit is supposed to be compatible with our physiology." Norm countered, wishing someone had brought along some laxatives. The gas was horrendous, even to him.

"Compatible and good idea are two different things. Just ask any marine cook." Jake replied, wafting the stench emanating from the scientist. "Hell…" He continued, reaching for his exopack. Sure, on paper Site 26 sounded great, go see the floating mountains, be close to nature. Right, and deal with a scientist who was dumb enough to eat the local food. Wasn't that the first rule of going anywhere? Don't drink the water, don't eat the food. Norm had done both. Fortunately Grace was still locked in the psionic link machine, unaware of the lingering stench hovering over them all. As if to punctuate his thoughts, the scientist fastened his own exopack over his face, cringing as he cleared the offensive smell from his nostrils.

"You're probably right, but these algae rations are so foul." Norm pleaded his case. Pandoran fruit did taste better than that barely palatable crap.

"Right. And having to wear exopacks indoors isn't?" Jake pointed out.

"Got it." Trudy confirmed over the radio, trudging into the airlock, clearing the toxic atmosphere and removing her exopack. As she marched in angrily, curiosity came over her. "Fuck, is there another air leak? Why are you wearing your masks?" She didn't hear any alarms indicating a breach, but small enough leaks sometimes went undetected by the sensors. Jake and Norm said nothing, just staring at her expectantly, as if waiting for something. The scientist's mouth twitched, as if trying to suppress something incredibly hilarious.

Then the stench hit her. "Good God, did you shit yourself?"

**

Big Ideas

"There's good ideas, bad ideas, terribly fucked up ass-backwards retarded ideas hatched by mental deficients… then there's whatever the fuck YOU did." Grace ranted angrily, staring Jake down as Norm wisely kept his mouth shut. "I mean, what the hell were you thinking? You mated with her?"

Jake knew the implication well enough, maybe if he hadn't done the deed, the Omaticaya might have trusted him, might have taken him at his word and saved themselves from the hell Quaritch had unleashed upon them. But it was like he had said it in his video log, there was nothing that would have made them move, short of death. Unfortunately, RDA was more than willing to provide that. Not that Grace's words didn't hurt, the pain of them was like a knife straight through his heart. Even he had known it was terrible idea, but there was a certain inevitability about it, something that couldn't be controlled. He truly loved Neytiri, being nine-feet tall and blue didn't even enter into it, and the pain of her rejection echoed in his mind.

"Now we're in a five-by-five cell and I don't have a goddamned cigarette." Grace finished acidly, turning towards the guard. "How about it, soldier. Got any cancer sticks?"

"Not for a tree-hugging traitor." The guard smiled, reaching for his pack slowly, lighting up with obvious relish and blowing the smoke against the glass.

"Fuck you and whatever cunt brought you into the world." Grace continued, sighing, resigning herself to this failure.

"Look, I'm sorry. Jesus, you don't think this hasn't ruined my day?" Jake pointed out. "I've got two bodies, and according to you no brain, and the closest thing to a girlfriend I've ever had just had her home blown up and blames me for it."

"Yeah," Grace began. "I suppose you wouldn't be a marine if you weren't a complete pain in my ass." She was smiling halfheartedly.

"Can I ask something?" Norm asked submissively. "What was it like? I mean… is it, you know, different at all?"

"What the fuck? I swear to God, I'm surrounded by a bunch of xenophile pervs." Grace threw up her hands absently. The guard apparently decided this was worthy conversation material, shuffling over to the glass.

"You got laid by a fucking alien?" The guard asked curiously. "Do they even have the same er… equipment?"

"We just started a goddamned war with the natives, and you're asking about their genitals?" Grace gave up, sitting back with a resigned expression on her face.

"Well, they are tall and they've got some pretty big feet…" The guard pointed out.