Title: Inside and Out
Rating: T (only because it is RENT, after all)
Genre: Drama/Hurt/Comfort
Summary: A postRENT SONGFIC. Roger and Mimi have another fight, but is this the end? Maybe a friend helps Roger see that he and Mimi were meant to be. RogerCollins friendship, RogerMimi, reference to CollinsAngel.
Notes:
I have been wanting to write something RogerCollins friendship for a very long time. Although my favorite friendship in RENT tends to lean toward MarkRoger, I have a special place in my heart for MarkRogerCollins. They are amazing, but as a challenge, I left Mark out of the scene to try and expand upon the RogerCollins aspect of it. I hope I got it right.
I changed ONE word in the original song, "Inside and Out" by Feist. If you recognize it, you have a very keen eye. Just thought I'd let you know so in case you do see it, you don't try to inform me I screwed up the lyric.
More after the fic.
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He hadn't even bothered to yell this time. The confrontation was mildly and yet altogether blunt, a hidden strength boiling within it as it took place beneath the rage of a powerful thunderstorm. He spoke to her in a broken whisper, an animalistic mixture of a growl and a sigh. All the volume and energy he had ever wasted upon her seemed to crash over him and he stood there, lifelessly, almost wordlessly, telling her to get out.
She had merely gazed impassively into his green eyes, stung by the coldness hidden with his deceitfully gentle tone. Her arms, spidered with ugly track marks, shivered slightly where they dangled at her sides. She was frozen as he finally turned to face her.
A chill settled over his chest as thunder from the rain outside pounded in his ears.
"I mean it this time, Mimi." He had added, watching as she brought one arm up and half-hugged herself. "You promised you were done. You said you were never going to touch that shit again."
He had decided then that she was shocked by the fact he wasn't screaming at her. It was as if she were poised, bracing herself and waiting for the inevitable.
"I'm not going to say it again." Roger had confirmed with a small shake of the head, barely able to look at her glassy, tear-filled eyes. His shoulders slumped, he couldn't bring himself to see what she had been reduced to, what strain she had put upon herself. He couldn't deal with it anymore.
When he finally mustered up enough desire to turn around, the loft was barren and empty.
And though a breath, nearly an expression of relief blew past his lips, his heart ached dully. Downstairs, he heard a door slam, the walls of the industrial flat shaking under the onslaught.
Noiselessly, his arm reached for the window and he threw open the latch . He stepped slowly out onto the fire escape, the water droplets dousing him all over.
To Roger, it was as if he were trying to wash away her presence, whatever remained of Mimi embedded within him. Anything that lingered.
Everything he had.
Baby, I can't figure it out
Your kisses taste like honey
Sweet lies don't gimme no rise.
He gripped the metal bars, closing his eyes and feeling the cool, rusted metal against his palms.
Frigid rain fell mercilessly from the sky.
Salty rain dripped silently down his soft cheeks.
It could have been another lifetime before he was jolted from thought.
"Roger?" A light tap on the window. "Roger, you dumbass! It's fucking pouring! Get in here." Collins was a reasonable man, to a degree, but this was ridiculous. "Roger, man, you'd better get your skinny white ass in here or I'll come out there and drag you in."
No answer. Roger didn't so much as twitch in response, his friend's calls falling upon deaf ears.
The taller man's heart sank. "Aw, fuck." And he haphazardly forced his way outside through the cumbersome window latch, shivering as he stepped into the maelstrom.
"Roger." He stated. "You're going to catch something."
Finally, eyes emotionlessly locked into Collins', a brief spark of light burning in them before it was snuffed out.
"Fuck off, Thomas." Was the simple, pained reply.
Collins grasped Roger's shoulder, squeezing it just hard enough to force his friend to retain eye contact. "Shit, Davis, you and Mimi fought again, didn't you? Tell me you and Mimi didn't fucking fight again!"
The lack of answer was his answer.
"Roger." Collins said, coolly and calmly. "It can't keep happening like this. I thought you guys were cool, so why can't you two stay peachy, just for two damn seconds?"
Roger shook his head, brows knitted.
"Benny's gone. She's not cheating." Collins prodded gently.
"She fucking might as well be!" Roger finally exploded, seething. "I'm sick of it, Collins. Sick of listening to her lie about how she won't do another hit, sick of finding her with the needle already shooting it into her arm! She told me she as willing to stop, to get off the drugs... for us."
Oh, what you're trying to do
Living on your cheating
"Man, its hard... you of all people should understand, she needs you." Collins instructed, and Roger stubbornly turned away.
"I've tried, you know I've tried." He spat with venom. "If she wants the smack more than she wants us to work, I wish she'd just admit it, instead of giving me these empty promises."
And the pain grows inside me
It's enough to leave me crying in the rain
Love you forever but you're driving me insane.
Collins let out a deep sigh, feeling the cold bite at his face with the drizzly breeze. "Roger, get inside. This isn't over."
Without a word, he shuffled inside, and Collins followed.
And I'm hanging on
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
---------
She sat silently, in vigil, sobs pouring from her tiny body in waves. Her legs were tucked beneath her, crushed against the moth-eaten ratty fabric of the window seat's cushion.
Upon the sill sat the needle.
She stared at it, vision blurred by tears.
Had she really been living with a red haze over her eyes? Was this veil what was pushing Roger away from her?
The needle seemed to laugh at her misery, mocking her attempts to quash its power.
Something within Mimi's ailing heart stirred and her hot tears spilled from her face, splashing the surface around the needle's resting place.
With a burst of resolve, her fingers curled around the body of the needle, the hilt of the weapon. She paused, as if about to thrust the point into her own flesh, but with pained silence came bitter recognition.
The glass exterior of the needle shattered against the wall as she tossed it angrily to the side.
I'll win, I'll never give in
Our love has got the power.
It felt good to see it crumple under her will, instead feeling herself succumb to it again. She smiled bitterly, remembering the fresh baggie of smack she had just bought.
The powdery bliss sat within her belt, its weight burning against her hip.
She withdrew it, eyeing her wilted, reflection with a sideways glance at the rain-spattered windowpane. Within that glance, she saw all she ever wanted to expel from her soul: the pain of past, the remnants of lost lovers, the residue of disease and pain, the scar tissue formed by Angel's death, and the drugs that slowly drank her life away.
Then, she turned her brown eyes to the jagged pieces of glass and metal that lay, broken against the cold floor. And within the wreckage she saw all she ever dreamed of having within her grasp. A love to live for and a love to die with. It was as if the remains were taunting her, images of Roger's loving gaze floating before her.
Too many lovers in one lifetime
Ain't good for you.
She hesitated, thoughts damming her steadiness. An unknown faceless woman swam before her, her hair a fiery mess upon her head. And with it, she felt the weight of Roger Davis' baggage, the note he'd found in the bathroom on that fateful night.
The way April had left behind so much and yet so little.
She shook her head, knowing that deep down, although he moved slowly mostly out of fear, Roger Davis still loved her.
You treat me like a vision in the night
Someone there to stand behind you
When your world ain't working right
I ain't no vision, I am the girl
Who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out.
With a determined glare, she unfurled her lithe dancer's legs and moved in long strides toward the sink.
Without a word, the pseudo happiness fluttered down the drain and was flushed out by pounding rain that descended from the faucet, triggered by her willing hands.
She couldn't help but wonder if her chances at love had truly already been carried off as well.
I love no other way
What are we gonna do if we lose that fire?
--------
A blanket draped over his somewhat quaking body, and a steaming hot mug of coffee shoved into his hands, Roger Davis lay, his body slung over the chair in a careless fashion.
"Davis, I know you love that girl, and so do you." Collins told him seriously. "You can't deny that fact, man. You're dead wrong if you even try."
No reply. Roger merely watched as Collins sipped his own coffee, regarding his friend with a gentle yet admonishing frown.
Wrap myself up and take me home again
Too many heartaches in my lifetime ain't good for me
I figure it's the love that keeps you warm.
"Be reasonable, man...you expect her to be strong enough to quit when you don't even think she can? When you think she's not even willing to try?" Collins asked abruptly.
Roger snorted. "She's shown me that she's not, Collins. She's been shooting up behind my back for fuck's sake."
"Because you didn't believe in her, she didn't believe in her. Your doubt caused her to give in, Rog." Collins suggested softly.
"You're saying this is MY fault?" Roger snapped quickly, slamming down the mug.
"Bullshit, Collins, I didn't shove that fucking needle into her arm!"
"And you didn't put that blade to April's skin, either, did you, Roger?" He asked, knowing it would hurt his friend, but hoping it might strike a chord. "Yet you willingly, stubbornly took most of the blame upon yourself for that." Collins shot back harshly.
Roger drew back, stunned. "Don't you DARE bring her into this, Thomas!"
Collins sighed deeply for the second time. "Roger, I'm not saying it's anyone's fault, man. Any of it. We all make mistakes in our lives, and it just so happens that some fuck up more than others. But it's no one's place to go pointing fingers."
Roger sat back, arms crossed over his chest.
"I'm just saying... maybe you were destined to save Mimi, just like she saved you."
Let this moment be forever
We won't ever feel the storm.
--------
Tears of relief and sorrow flowed freely down her caramel-colored cheeks and she moved quickly, everything a blur.
Sobs racking her frantic body, she quickly tore apart the room, searching for any hidden stash she might have in her possession. Her living space flew into disarray as she pounced, in a panic, upon any former hiding place she could think of. She couldn't ever look at the fucking stuff again.
I ain't no vision, I am the girl
Who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way
What are we gonna do if we lose that fire?
She rifled quickly through a pile of miscellaneous objects strewn across the table. Something caught her eye and she paused. A somewhat crumpled snapshot of two happy lovers, arms entwined, mocked her.
"Don't think this is the end." She told his face calmly, feeling the intensity of his eyes. "I'm tearing everything apart for you."
Determined and heartbroken, she pressed on.
Don't try to tell me that it's over
I can't hear a word, I can't hear a line
No girl could love you more
And that's what I'm cryin' for
You can't change the way I feel inside.
--------
"Save her?" Roger questioned, "And what if she doesn't want to be saved? What then, Professor?" His words dripped with traces of scorn.
"I don't know about you..." Collins started softly, picturing the small woman. "But everything about her seems to scream for help. And I think you have to be the one to help her, Rog. I really do."
Roger brushed a hand roughly over his eyes, Collins' words affecting him more than he would have liked him to see.
"Mimi makes you happy, Roger." Collins stated simply.
"She does..." He echoed distantly, a ghost of recognition and acceptance haunting his face. "But Mimi also makes me sad, Collins. She makes me sad, she pisses me off, and she scares the shit out of me! Doesn't she know the pain it causes me... what I feel? Doesn't she know how I see her ... how I see April...in her actions and how much that fucking scares me?"
"Love is pain, Roger." Collins told him. "Anyone who says any different is from a Disney movie."
Roger laughed dryly at this, the chuckle scraping through his throat and emerging as something foreign and lifeless, even to him.
Collins allowed himself to flash Roger a gentle smile. "You may not be living in a fairytale, Roger... but it doesn't have to be this way, because love is also life. At least that's what my Angel believed."
You're the reason for my laughter and my sorrow
Blow out the candle, I will burn again tomorrow.
"Roger," Collins continued, watching as Roger seemed to soften with each word. "I don't think I can dictate your life, and I don't think I can make you go down there and talk to her. But I'm going to try, God dammit. I get the feeling that after a couple days of moping, you will anyway, but let me tell you something, Davis, you aren't the only one fucking sick of all the bitching you two do..."
Roger laughed soundlessly then, peeling his still damp leather coat from his body.
Collins, sensing that he was mocking him, turned his eyes to his feet, muttering softly to express his seriousness, "Think about what Angel would have thought."
"Angel would save an ant from being stepped on." Roger pointed out.
Collins cracked a smile, as Roger added, all hostility suddenly wiped clean from his voice, "I see what you're trying to do and I really appreciate it, man, but..."
And Roger suddenly burst into laughter as Collins' face fell.
"What?"
"But we sound like a couple of hormonal chicks."
Collins chuckled softly in his throat and clapped the younger man on the back. "You know what, Davis?"
"I need to shut the fuck up?" Roger guessed; his retreating back now all Collins could see as he traveled to the kitchen area and dumped his used mug in the sink.
"Forever and always, Rog." Collins answered warmly.
As Roger casually flipped him the bird upon re-entering the room, Collins laughed almost merrily and added out of the corner of his mouth.
"But seriously man, you need to get your ass down there and take her back."
Roger looked up, his eyes glimmering with doubt.
"You love her, man. I know you do. Don't kid yourself, go and take her back."
"I do love her." Roger whispered, hands stuffed into his pockets as he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet uncomfortably.
No man on earth can stand between my love and I,
And no matter how you hurt me, I will love you till I die.
"Then listen to me and get down there!" Collins yelled playfully. "I mean, damn, Davis, how many times must I tell you before it goes through your thick skull?"
"At least once more, Professor Collins."
"Roger, my baby turned Mimi around into your arms on Christmas Eve. Now it's my turn to turn you around into Mimi's." Collins told him. "Now. Go tell her how much you love her."
There was a beat, a breath.
Collins didn't need to say it twice.
--------
When she saw his face, clean as a slate, there within her doorway, she thought it was just her mind's eyes playing a cruel trick on her.
But then he smiled that big, bright smile that turned her knees to jelly. Her heart traded places with her stomach and her throat constricted as she realized his presence was only too real.
"Roger...?" She breathed, scarcely daring to believe, having been fully convinced that although he'd cast her out countless times before, the most recent had been the last.
"Mimi..." He choked, entering the room. "I'm so sorry, I..."
She hushed him. "No, I'm sorry."
He opened his mouth to protest, but the tattered surroundings of her apartment slowly crept into his vision. He glanced around a few times, eyes finally falling upon the destroyed heroin needle. He could only stare blankly for a moment or two, lost in the battered apartment that was before him.
Gradually his eyes lifted and green met chocolate.
"You see..." She whispered brokenly to him, as he closed the gap between them. A hand to his cheek she finished, "I'm willing to turn my life, myself... inside out for you."
And without a moment's pause, he dragged her into his embrace, gripping her tight, as if daring himself to let her slip away another time.
I ain't no vision, I am the man
Who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way
What are we gonna do if we lose that fire
Loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way
What are we gonna do if we lose that fire?
Somewhere, an Angel smiled upon Collins.
Upstairs, Collins tipped his glass to the ceiling, and with a twinkle of his eye, took a long, soothing sip.
The rain had settled, no longer pelting over the little Bohemian family. And the storm had both flushed out the residue of the past and laid down the refreshed matter for the days to come.
Inside and out
Inside and out
Inside and out
Inside and out.
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Aggggh, so you have no idea how much I freaking hate this.
It's like, the worst thing I've ever written.
I'm posting it under duress (my muse, named Hitler, is forcing me...)
And Steph is making me do it.
(Tears) So if you didn't like it, don't review. Flames burn.
X(