HARRY POTTER AND THE EXISTENTIAL CRISES
A Play In Three Acts
(The audience will refrain from using cellular phones, pagers, beepers, tweeters, twatters, twats, tits, clits, or cocks during the duration of the performance. Ruffians will be escorted out of the theater, then publicly spanked until their buttocks are redder than racists.)
Act I
(Enter HARRY, a young wizard, on a pink tricycle. He wears no clothing; and in his hand, he holds the likeness of a pillock.)
HARRY
O ye Gods, might I seek my merry rest from these fools of misfortune.
(Exit stage right, chased by a bear in dementor's clothing.)
Act II
(Enter RON, Harry's friend. Ron is dressed in drag. He also looks leprous; by that, the writer suggests that the actor playing Ron should contract leprosy the night before the performance.)
RON
Blessed be the days of our destruction!
(He offers his right arm to the heavens. Exit, bleeding.)
Act III
(Enter HERMIONE. She wears a wedding gown. In her arms, she holds a shih tzu and a sword.)
HERMIONE
When shall our suffering end? Wherefore shall our lives cease to exist?
(She drives the sword through her body. She places the shih tzu on the stage before she falls.)
HERMIONE
Feast, my little friend;
On my bones, my blood, my flesh;
Little friend, feast.
(She dies. The dog sniffs her corpse, barks twice, and exits stage left. A crew member drags the body of Hermione offstage to rancorous applause.)
Curtain
All surviving cast members perform "Garfield and Friends Theme Song."
(A/N: There are more of these to come. Just you wait. Just you wait, you scoundrels. You ram-sam-sams. You litigious labia-LARPers.)