First of all, hey everyone. I'm just a 15 year old girl who likes to write from time to time. It's freeing. Mainly about my favorite TV show ;)
I hope you enjoy this little fic, please give it a shot. And let me know if you liked it, hated it. I'm new at this.
I'm sorry for any mistakes or lack of vocabulary, English is not my first language, so yeah. I think I did my best, but can do better, need some practice.
Enjoy, x
Breathing
"There's no song without her
It's all wrong without her
Can't go on without her"
- Without Her, Harry Nilsson
He's nothing without her.
He can't stop hurting for her. He misses her so much. He can't stop thinking. About her. Kate. Everything that defined her, her face, her smile, those hazel eyes, every plain of her body, every curve, the tiniest detail that makes her who she is. Was. The woman he loved. Loves. Always will. Every little thing is imprinted on his memory. Heart. Soul.
And it aches. It hurts too bad. The feeling too strong, too deep.
Grief clouds his mind. He barely eats, barely sleeps, rarely gets up from their bed, or the couch. Some days the feeling of loss, emptiness, hits him to hard and he can't dare to sleep on the bed where she slept, where they loved, cherished each other's hearts and bodies. Other days he just wants, needs to lay his head on her pillow, inhale her smell, her own perfume she left lingering there. He haven't washed the sheets ever since, won't, afraid that calming yet painful smell will vanish, go away forever. He wouldn't survive if it did. He barely survives now.
It's slowly killing him.
She's everywhere he is, he looks. She's in every room, every street, every corner, every shadow. She's in the darkness, the light. In every piece of his memory, she has a place. She's in the sun, the wind, the rain, she's in the air he breathes with every breath he takes.
Tears stream down his face, have been every day, all the time now. Awake or asleep they're there haunting him, making him remember, hurting him, destroying every last piece of hope, of life he has inside. The light he once had, the glow, the joy is slowly fading. No more smiles take place over his features, no more laughs, little smirks. There's no reason for them anymore.
He can't even force a smile. Even that hurts. Feels wrong without her. It sickens him.
There's no reason to him anymore. She was his reason for all these things, the complete happiness. The warmth that once inhabited his heart. Still does, but it pains now.
Now he understands so many things. Things he didn't care about before, always thought he didn't need to understand because he wouldn't have to feel them, processed them. Now he knows. After all, what is the point of having money, all the insignificant things that come with it, the books, the parties, the hundreds of people screaming your name, the flashing lights, the fame, how does all of these matter when she's gone. When she's gone, not here with him, not anywhere, everything else turns trash, trivial, negligible, unneeded. Worthless.
Because she's gone now. Physically dead, lifeless, with no more breaths to take, tears to shed, smiles to give. However she does live in his memory. But...
His Beckett, gone. Kate, gone. His wife, gone.
Now he's the broken one. He feels like a shattered glass, it's pieces unable to be ever fixed again when he's living in a world that doesn't include her anymore.
Castle's sitting on the green grass on a cemetery, this lifeless place where death resides, tears are shed, the same one where her mother lies. Where she is now. Kate. The love of his life.
It's past midnight now and he doesn't care if it's getting too dark, too late. It's where she is, and where she is, is where he will be. And that might be stupid but it is what it is.
The heart wants what the heart wants, he once told her.
And his heart wants her. Wherever she is, he's hers.
He can't, he won't ever leave her.
And they were happy, together, and now she's gone and he can't be happy anymore. Because there is no Kate, here with him, every day like before, waking up next to him every morning with a smile when she saw him looking over at her, kissing him good morning, kissing him see you later, kissing him goodnight, kissing me whenever she wanted to. Happy, excited, sad, scared, sleepy. Just kissing him. That gentle, tender brush of her fingers on his cheek, that little crinkle in the corner of his eyes, on his arm, his knuckles, his thigh, whenever she could. When they made love, the way they made it, how they filled each other's needs, pleasures. How they knew how to satisfy. Their own unique way to show their love for each other. Everything they were, he won't have it anymore.
Because she's gone.
And it hurts, bad. Won't stop hurting, ever.
He sits more closely to her grave,
In loving memory of
Katherine Houghton Beckett
November 17, 1978 - December 02, 2015
Always
, it reads.
"Goodnight, my heart," he starts saying, his heart clenching, so tight, so tight, his throat closing he can't breathe, "you need to come back, I can't breathe without you here." he whispers to her, somehow hoping she can hear him, wherever she is. Uncontrollable tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes red shimmering with more fat tears waiting to be shed. This seems like it's everything he's doing these days, shedding tears. Everywhere.
It hurts this much because he loves her so. The risk of love is loss. And grief is the price. But he doesn't regret it, loving her, oh no never. He doesn't. He will always continue to do so. Because the love he feels for her, the love they shared was the most amazing thing. Nothing compares to the feeling of her love on his heart, the warmth it left.
There are no words to describe his love for her. For Kate. Just her. There never will be enough words, no right words. Inexplicable.
Rick grazes his fingers where her name is engraved on the cool grey stone, a few tears fall on the grass, he murmurs words of love over and over and over into the cold air of the dawn. They're supposed to reach her, somehow.
Time heals all wounds, they say, but he doesn't believe in that. It's not that easy. The wounds remain. The pain may lessen but it is never gone.
And it is in these moments when he starts to wonder 'if only', if only he was there with her, in that instant, to protect her, keep her from the worst that did happen, keep her alive, keep her heart beating, she would be with him now, safe and sound. Happy, both of them. But he wasn't and now he can't go back. Too late.
If only he could do something to get her back to him, to where she belongs, he would do anything. Anything.
But he can't.
When had been the last time he told her he loved her? Had he told her recently? Has she listened?
More tears form in his blue eyes, dwell there for awhile, mere seconds, and then they fall again, on the grass or the stone or his skin. Again. It's a cycle he can't stop from starting again and again. And one more time.
The one thing he fears the most is forgetting her face, her eyes, her smile, body. He's afraid his mind will play a trick on him someday and he won't be able to remember her features, her beauty, that she will somehow be taken from the place he has kept her in, in his memory for so long, every second of every day. He feels like he depends on it, his memory.
And that scares the shit out of him.
"Kate, my love, I can't go on without you, I can't-" he pauses, breaks, swallows hard, blinks once, twice to keep the tears from blurring his vision and continues "I just need you to now, wherever you are, that I have always loved you. I love you and that will never stop. I never stopped. I miss you. I miss you so much. "
When he stops talking, his throat is closing again, blocking his words. He's torturing himself and he knows it, but she needs to know. "I won't ever leave you. Ever." he promises at last.
He feels miserable, broken beyond repair. Lost in a labyrinth with no escape, no end.
When he's about to lean his head on the grave, there's something that stops him, a hand on his shoulder, a sweet voice calling for him ringing in his ears, wide eyes trying to find his, K-
Kate?
What? How?
It can't be her, no it can't be, he keeps telling himself.
Please let it be her.
"Castle." the voice calls slowly, calm then it gets more insistent, louder "Castle!"
He feels sweat covering his forehead, his whole face, sticking there, keeping him hot, he can't breathe.
"Castle, hey wake up for me please" the voice keeps telling him, over and over and he feels dizzy, out of place, "Rick" it calls once more.
He wakes up panting, heavy puffs of breath leaving his parted lips, feels his cheeks wet with tears, his mouth is dry, it tastes wrong, his throat closed, heart beating fast, too fast, chest tight. Aching.
He's shaking, hard.
And someone is hovering over him, grabbing his shoulders firmly, shaking them. The someone is her. She is. Kate.
He finally opens his eyes, wide open, moving his head from right to left, left to right, everywhere, when he stills, his breath catches, and his body stops trembling.
Because right in front of him, mirroring his eyes, it's her. Kate is here. She's here with him, not in the cemetery, inside a coffin, buried, no she's here, alive.
She's not gone. Not gone.
He needs to be sure he's not dreaming again, if she's real, if she's breathing.
"Hey, shhh, shhh" Kate soothes, brushing one hand through the dump hair in his forehead, the other cradling his cheek, her thumb drawing circles on his skin. She's looking straight into his eyes and he feels like crying all over again, only with relief this time.
But he still needs to be sure. Castle's hand moves on its own volition from it's place on the bed to her cheek, her lips, her nose, then her hair and tangle there. The other goes to cradle the back of her neck to hold her there. He can feel her, feel her warm skin under his fingertips and he can finally breathe again.
Oh, and her cherry scent, not just in the pillow now. It's just her.
"Hey, are you okay?" she asks, giving him an oh-so-beautiful smile he thought he had lost forever. He'd never see again. He sees relief in her eyes taking place over the fear that was swimming there moments ago. He sees the love. Oh, the love he yearns, craves, cherishes, gives back with all force.
"Kate?" he finally blurts out, cradling her neck more tightly, bringing her closer, closer "Oh, Kate."
It was just a dream, a really bad dream. A nightmare, because she's here, he can hear her heart beating, feels her pulse, and now he's okay. Not broken, but complete. Yes, yes, complete, happy. Relieved.
"I'm here, babe, I'm right here. Just breathe." Kate reassures him, placing butterfly kisses all over his face in order to calm him down, keep his breath even.
"It was just a nightmare, you're okay now."
"But y-you and then I- " Castle stops, waits for his lungs to start working naturally again, swallows, holds back the tears trying to break free "You died, you were dead, I don't know how but you were, and I just couldn't breath, and it hurt so bad, so bad Kate, I-"
He suddenly stops what he was saying, or trying to say, when she puts a finger against his lips to shut him up "Hey, stop. I'm not dead, I'm here with you and I'm alive." Kate whispers to him, her own tears threatening to fall, then grabs his right hand and places it over her racing heart, on the side of her covered breast "Can you feel it? See, it's beating just fine."
Now Rick knows, just a nightmare. She's here, alive, next to him in their bed, breathing, just fine. She's perfect. More than. And now he will, without a doubt, no second thought, value her life so much more, her existence, the little things of every day. He'll pour all of his love into her, let her know, not making her forget that he loves her with all of his heart, so fiercely, and she's the most extraordinary person he's ever met and the only one he wants, needs to breath.
"Please Kate, stay with me, stay with me always," he stops to hold her to him, caress her lips with his own for a moment before finishing " so I won't stop breathing."
"Isn't it love that keeps us breathing
Isn't it love we're sent here for
Wasn't that love that we were feeling
Deep in our soul...Deeper than we know"
- You, Bonnie Raitt
Please review, I really want to know what you think :)