SUPERNATURAL! A Parody Musical!

by Arte Bold

SUPERNATURAL as a Broadway musical. The characters "sing" parodies of famous songs, such as Sam's I'M TALL, Cas' STARS, Crowley's WHATEVER CROWLEY WANTS, Bobby's STOOOPID IDJITS, Kevin's I'M JUST A GEEK THEY WON'T LET GO, Dean's ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG & more! I began this a year ago and was challenged to finish it before the 200th episode.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

A year ago I had an idea to write a Supernatural parody musical. But I became busy with other things and shelved the project. When Supernatural announced that they were going to do a musical for their 200th episode I thought, "Well, no reason for me to finish mine." But a person challenged me to not only finish my version but to post it before the 200th episode. If nothing else, I just wanted to see if I could do it. So here it is.

As you read imagine this as a Broadway musical. All my "songs" are to the tunes of existing songs. I've cut a lot of verses for length's sake, and incorporated original lyrics into my own. In my profile I have a song list with links to videos of the original songs.

If you're a fan of musicals as well as Supernatural, give these songs a try. I'd love to hear if they can actually be sung. For those unfamiliar with stage directions, I've put a link to an image that can help in my profile (since links aren't allowed here).

Of course I have no ownership of the characters or anything from Supernatural, or the original lyrics from the songs I'm parodying.

A million bazillion invisible dollars goes to those who recognize from what musical Kevin's lines before I'M TALL are taken. (Hint: It was a hit film before it was a Tony-award-winning musical.)

And now...

Fanfare...

CURTAIN UP.

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

The background is a dark woods in autumn, dimly lit from behind by thin sunshine. In the foreground, a lonely meadow is loud with crickets. A single lane dirt road enters from upstage right and fades into the meadow.

As the light reddens with sunset, headlights cut through the darkening trees. The crickets fall silent. We hear a car engine rev, then choke off as the silhouette of the black Impala enters the scene down the road and stops upstage right. The headlights cut off. Dark figures move through the trees. We hear whispers, mutterings, unearthly snarls and hisses. Music rises as the figures come closer. A harsh car horn blasts the new night as BOBBY SINGER walks from the woods and stands downstage center, glowering at the audience.

THE BALLAD OF SAM AND DEAN

(to the tune of "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd" from SWEENEY TODD)

BOBBY

Attend the tale of Sam and Dean.
Their eyes were sharp and their senses keen.
They come to town and save the day.
Then silently in a black car drive away.
And do it without any pay.
The Hunters' way.

(A fluttering sound announces CASTIEL, who comes downstage left.)

CASTIEL
In the war 'twixt Heaven and Hell
They fight for the Light and they fight well.
But in twilight they often stray
It's hard to keep your soul from losing its way.
Winchesters.
Sam and Dean.
The Hunter brothers of Supernatural.

BOBBY AND CASTIEL
Shoot your shotgun wide, brothers!
Swing your silver blade!
Freely flows the blood of those who demonize!

(Flames shoot up from downstage right. When they stop, there stands CROWLEY.)

CROWLEY
Their needs are few, their lives are spare.
Tacky motels and the open air.
Some Led Zeppelin and a sexy thigh.
A diner with coffee and delicious pie.
They don't waste time to primp and preen
Do Sam and Dean.
The Hunter brothers of Supernatural.

BOBBY, CASTIEL, CROWLEY
(as they step backward upstage center)
Sam and Dean, oh!
Sam and Dean!
Sam!
Dean!

(The Impala's horn blasts the air as SAM and DEAN enter from the woods and come downstage center. SAM holds a knife, DEAN holds a sawed-off shotgun.)

SAM AND DEAN
Attend the tale of Sam and Dean.
Side by side as we've always been.
It's me for you and you for me.
Come Hell or high water that's how it'll be.

CROWLEY
(knowingly)
Oh, we'll see.

(SAM, DEAN, BOBBY and CASTIEL glare at CROWLEY suspiciously.)

ALL
The Hunter brothers of Supernat-ral!

(CROWLEY vanishes in a column of red smoke. SAM and BOBBY rush off right center in pursuit.)

(Alone, DEAN looks skyward, then assesses the woods. He sits down on the Impala's hood and pats her affectionately.)

THE IMPOSSIBLE HUNT

(to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA )

DEAN
To hunt the impossible hunt.
To gank the unbeatable foe.
To blow some evil sum'bitch's head off.
To stalk where the brave dare not go.
To right, though they say that it's wrong.
To love...though you drive off in a car.
To laugh, though you feel more like crying.
To reach...some unreachable star.

This is my quest. My old man set the bar.
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.
You hunt for the right. You don't question or pause.
You be willing to sell your soul to Hell for a Heavenly cause.
And I know that if I just stay true and meet every test
Then my soul will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest.

Yeah, the world will be better for this.
That one guy, scorned, hard, lonely and blunt
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage
To hunt...the impossible hunt.

(Shouts come from offstage. DEAN jumps to his feet, gun at the ready. KEVIN TRAN runs in from left center, frantically clutching the Angel Tablet to his chest. SAM scrambles after him like a greyhound after a bunny. After much back and forth, SAM finally grabs KEVIN, who falls on his back.)

KEVIN
AAA! You're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug!

SAM
Calm down!

KEVIN
Please don't jump on me!

SAM
I'm not going to jump on you!

(SAM lifts KEVIN by his collar to his feet. KEVIN cringes.)

SAM
It's my size, right?

KEVIN
You loom! You loom like all get out!

I'M TALL

(to the tune of "I'm Shy" from ONCE UPON A MATTRESS)

SAM
Someone's being bashful.
That's no way to be.
Not with me, can't you see
That I'm just as embarrassed as you?
And I can understand your point of view.
I've always been...

Tall!
I confess it, I'm tall!
I'm way up in the rarefied air
You can see my nose hair
'Cause I'm tall.
Because my shoe
Is the size of a canoe
Smart-asses in my way snarkily say,
"Hey, freak of Nature, how's the view?"

I'm aware that it's rare
To be as tall as I am.
You can't simply pass me by.
I pretend to be shy
But as big as I am
I just ask myself "Why?"

I'm tall!
You're shocked I'm so tall!
You think I'm stumbling loose
Like a tranquilized moose
'Cause I'm tall.
In my heart I'm light!
Like a monarch in flight!
And despite the impression I give
I won't live being judged by my height.
Because I'm a smart, tender gentleman
Who's incredibly...tall!

(There's a flash center stage. HESTER and INIAS appear, one of either side of KEVIN.)

HESTER
He's coming with us.

SAM AND DEAN
Oh no, he's not!

(They move toward the angels, there's a blast of light, and SAM and DEAN are thrown onto their backs. HESTER and INIAS put their hands on KEVIN'S shoulders and all three vanish in a bolt of light.)

(BOBBY enters left center, looking mightily irritated.)

BOBBY
Ya just jumped at 'em?

SAM AND DEAN
We thought...We were gonna...

BOBBY
(makes a loud noise of disgust)
You were gonna fight angels? Aw, angels, demons, shape-shifters, it's all the same with you two!

STUPID IDJITS
(to the tune of "Oklahoma!" from OKLAHOMA!)

BOBBY
Stooooopid idjits!
Are you morons tryin' to get us killed?
Will ya use your brains, ya pair of stains
Before you go and get your guts all spilled?

Stooooopid idjits!
Ya march right in and act without a thought!
Don't know the lore but ya break down the door
And the next thing ya know you both are caught!

You idjits gotta keep yer heads
Or you idjits are gonna end up dead!

Hear what I say
And you'll live another day!
Crap, I need a drink, stupid idjits!
Stupid idjits, I say!

You know you're just like your old man.
Which means you're dumb and you ain't got a plan!

So when I say
Build a trap where demons stay
Instead of escapin'
Ya might wanna listen, ya idjits!
Stupid idjits! Oy vey!

DEAN
(spoken)
Well, if we wanna know about angels we know who to ask. (DEAN looks heavenward.) Hey! Cas!

( We hear fluttering. CASTIEL appears from center right and goes downstage center.)

I FEEL HORNY/GODLY/EVIL/GUILTY/MORTAL
(to the tune of "I Feel Pretty" from WEST SIDE STORY)

CASTIEL
I'm from Heaven
And I gripped you
From Perdition I lifted you high.
On a mission.
Though I'm not really sure just why.

It is weird here.
No one briefed me
On how strange Father's pet Humans are.
Why's it smell here?
Why do you need a car?

SAM AND DEAN
We've got an angel hanging out with us.

CASTIEL
(finds a Twizzler in his pocket)
What is this? Food?

SAM AND DEAN
The winged guy sure needs a clue.

CASTIEL
(a TV and couch roll out from left center and stop in front and behind him)
Is this a TV?
(CASTIEL sits on the couch and intently watches the TV)

SAM
Seems a bit forlorn.

CASTIEL
I feel really torn.

DEAN
Oh crap, he's watching porn!

CASTIEL
I feel horny.
Oh so horny.
There is something going on in my pants.
A certain appendage
Is strangely starting to enhance.

(CASTIEL glances down at his crotch. SAM and DEAN quickly shove the TV and couch off right center, then come back.)

DEAN
(spoken)
Oh no, Cas swallowed all the souls in Purgatory!

SAM
(spoken)
What's happened to him?

CASTIEL
I feel Godly.
Very Godly.
I suggest that you get on your knees.
'Cause I'm God now.
And my wrath you better appease.

(CASTIEL'S face darkens and he grins horribly.)

CASTIEL
I feel evil.
So deliciously evil
That for killing I'd go on a spree.
And then after
I'd eat a puppy or three!

SAM AND DEAN
La la la la la la LA la la!

(CASTIEL collapses down on one knee, looking ill and confused.)

CASTIEL
I feel dizzy.
Gonna vomit.
I feel tizzy and funny and ick.
Better stand back.
I'm going to be violently sick.

(CASTIEL proceeds to vomit black goo.)

SAM AND DEAN
What's Cas upchucking all over there?

CASTIEL
Eew eew ick ick

SAM AND DEAN
What can all that black gunk be?

CASTIEL
Le-via-than!
I think you better run!
I think you better hide!
I think you better flee!

(The lights flicker on and off. When they stop, CASTIEL stands looking well and whole.)

DEAN
(spoken)
So Metatron tricked Cas into kicking all the angels outta Heaven?

SAM
(spoken)
How's that make you feel, Cas?

CASTIEL
I feel guilty.
Very guilty.
I'm an utterly miserable blight.
Such self-pity.
I could drink a liquor store tonight.

See the guilty guy in that mirror there?
Who can that pathetic guy be?
Such a guilty coat.
Such a guilty face.
Such a guilty frown.
Such a guilty me.

SAM AND DEAN
(spoken)
Oh no, Cas' Grace is gone!

CASTIEL
I feel mortal.
Far too mortal.
Who's this vulnerable wreck that I see?
Wait, hold on now.
I think I gotta go and pee.

(CASTIEL quickly runs off left center.)

SAM
(spoken)
So...Cas is an angel again?

DEAN
(spoken)
Who the hell can keep track?

(CASTIEL runs back. CASTIEL, SAM and DEAN stand together downstage center.)

CASTIEL, SAM AND DEAN
Cas is back now.
Fighting evil.
An angel, a warrior, a friend.
And we just know
That this is not the end!
So bring it on, Season 10!

( Slow, sarcastic clapping echoes through the woods. SAM, DEAN and CASTIEL look around in alarm, ready for anything. CASTIEL seems to spy something, draws his angel blade, and runs off left center.)

(Flames, followed by red smoke, shoot up from downstage right. CROWLEY appears, continuing his slow clap.)

DEAN
Crowley!

CROWLEY
That's the King of Hell to you, Squirrel.

SAM
What do you want?

CROWLEY
What do I want? (chuckles evilly) What do I want, he asks. Why, a feather in my cap. The biggest trophies of all. Two Winchester souls for my mantlepiece.

WHATEVER CROWLEY WANTS
(to the tune of "Whatever Lola Wants" from DAMN YANKEES )

CROWLEY
Whatever Crowley wants
Crowley gets.
And Moose and Squirrel, big ol' Crowley wants you.
Make up your minds to have
No regrets.
So sucker up and pucker up.
You're through.

I always get what I aim for.
And your hearts and souls
Are what I came for.

(CROWLEY slowly stalks toward them. SAM and DEAN walk backward in step away from him.)

CROWLEY
Whatever Crowley wants
Crowley gets!
Toss out the salt!
Don't you know you can't win?
You're no exception to the rule.
I'm irresistible, you fools!
Give in!
Give in!
Give in!

(CASTIEL appears left center with his angel blade poised. SAM pulls his knife, DEAN grabs up the shotgun.)

CROWLEY
Bollocks! Right, play hard to get!

(He raises his hand, snaps his fingers, and vanishes in smoke. SAM, DEAN and CASTIEL run off right center after him.)

(From upstage left CHUCK SHURLEY wanders to downstage center, dressed in his robe, tank top, shorts and slippers. He looks around, as if confused how he got there, and dismayed, not necessarily at where he finds himself, but about his life in general.)

WRITE A LOT
(to the tune of "Camelot" from CAMELOT)

CHUCK
A law was made a distant moon ago here.
A Prophet has a really crappy lot.
And there's no legal limit to the gig here.
So you write a lot.

A Prophet is forbidden any freedom.
A personal life he simply hasn't got.
By order, you're the All Mighty's prisoner.
So you write a lot.

Write a lot! Write a lot!
You know I didn't have a choice.
God made me write a lot. Oh, a lot!
I was Chosen as His Voice.

I can't stop typing until after sundown.
By eight I have a headache that could kill.
In short there's simply not
A way to make it stop.
Until the fucking novel's done
I have to write a lot.

Drink a lot! Drink a lot!
I make Hemingway look dry.
Yeah, I drink a lot. Quite a lot!
Don't even ask me why.

When I croak I will only be remembered
For writing tons of fluffy, sexy shit.
In short there's simply not
A way to save this plot.
Chuck gets no happy-ever-aftering
For writing a lot.

(CHUCK pulls a bottle of Tennessee whiskey from his robe pocket and takes a huge swig. As he does, an eerie red mist forms right center. He sees it and backs away as MEG, LILITH and two female demons appear.)

MEG
Hey, not-so-big boy.

CHUCK
Oh, no no NO.

(CHUCK hurries off left center. MEG shrugs.)

(Several men enter from both sides of the stage, eying MEG, LILITH and the tempting demons.)

MEG
Welcome to the crossroads, boys. Are you ready for a good time? (The men eagerly say that they are.) Well alrighty then.

HELL GIRLS
(to the tune of "Dreamgirls" from DREAMGIRLS)

MEG
Every girl has her own special dream.
And my dream's just about to come true.
Hell's not as bad as it may seem
If you open your eyes to what's in front of you!

MEG, LILITH, CHORUS DEMONS
We're the Hell girls, boys.
We make us happy.
Yeah.
We're the hell girls, boys.
We don't fucking care.
We're the Hell girls.
Hell girls will never leave you!
No, no.
And all you gotta do is screw up, baby
We'll be there.

CHORUS
Hell...

MEG
Hell girls will help you through the night.

CHORUS
Hell...

LILITH
Hell girls will make you feel all right.
Hell girls keep you dreaming your whole life through...

MEG
That is 'till we make Hell Hound chow outta you.

MEG, LILITH, CHORUS DEMONS
We're the Hell girls, boys.
It makes us happy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're the Hell girls, boys.
We'll take your soul.
We're the Hell girls...
Hell girls will never leave you!
No, no...
All you've got to give is one kiss, baby
We'll be there!

CHORUS
Hell...

MEG
Hell girls will help you to survive!

CHORUS
Hell...

LILITH
Hell girls will keep your fantasies alive!
Hell girls always faithful and we'll be true.

MEG
'Til after a decade when we rip your soul outta you.
We're not the Hell that you had before.
We're the Hell that'll give you more and more!

(The men are flooded with Hellishly red light. They contort in agony, accompanied by the snarls of unseen Hell Hounds.)

MEG, LILITH, CHORUS DEMONS
We're the Hell girls, boys!
Hope you like torture!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're the Hell girls, boys.
Enjoy the pain!
Hell girls...
Hell girls will never leave you!
And all you've got to do is scream.
All you've got to do is scream.
All you've got to do is scream...
(the men do)
Baby!
We'll be there!
We'll be there!
We'll be there!

(MEG snaps her fingers. The scene goes dark to the sound of a Hell Hound's howl.)

(A spotlight falls downstage left, revealing a table and chair where KEVIN TRAN is hard at work translating the Angel Tablet onto a laptop. He makes a noise of frustration and runs his hand through his hair. He rises and stands in front of the table.)

I'M JUST A GEEK THEY WON'T LET GO
(to the tune of "I'm Just A Girl Who Cain't Say No" from OKLAHOMA!)

KEVIN
I'm just a geek they won't let go.
I've got a talent they need.
To being Prophet you can't say no.
So the Tablet they're making me read.

In Advanced Placement in my high school
Mom and I knew I'd go far.
Out of the blue I was thunderstruck
And riding with two dudes in a black car.

What're you going to do when Heaven demands?
Can't say you've got plans.
What're you going to do?
Supposing you're tortured by the King of Hell?
Hard to say "Oh well!"
What're you going to do?

I'm just a geek they won't let go.
Deciphering the Holy Word of God.
Then came a guy named Metatron.
An angel whose motives are odd.

I'd rather be going to college.
I'd prefer a degree from MIT.
But I've been gifted with Heavenly knowledge
Which seems more like damnation to me!

Between angels and Leviathan
I'm quite a popular boy.
It doesn't give me any joy.
Don't like being Destiny's toy!
But they won't let go.

(With a heavy sign KEVIN sits at the desk again. He types, then stops and stares at the screen.)

KEVIN
Wow, someone hacked Sucracorp! Aww, that should've been me!

(The light goes down on KEVIN and up downstage right. CHARLIE BRADBURY is typing on a computer on a desk. She punches a key triumphantly, grins with great satisfaction, removes her headphones and skips to stand in front of her desk.)

I ENJOY BEING A GEEK
(to the tune of "I Enjoy Being A Girl" from FLOWER DRUM SONG)

CHARLIE
I have a particular skill set.
Of my talent I never have been shy.
I have the determination of Boba Fett.
And I roll through life like a 20 sided die.

When I spend a morning hacking
A corp that abuses the weak
I prove their security's lacking.
I enjoy being a geek!

I flip when a corporation's evil.
I want to be brave and strong and true.
When my courage is a little feeble
I just ask myself, what would Hermione do?

(CHARLIE whips out a knife.)

But now I've become a Hunter.
And adventure I hope I'll see
Side by side with a kick-ass Hunter
Who enjoys being a gal loving a geek like me!

(CHARLIE chuckles happily as the lights go down.)

(The woods is filled with wild, colorful lights. SAM enters from center right, DEAN from center left, their weapons drawn, scanning all around as GABRIEL'S voice-over fills the air.)

GABRIEL
And now! Live from yet another godforsaken woods in the middle of frickin' nowhere - and I know what God forsaken really means, folks - I give you those two indomitable muttonheads, those dudes without clues-

SAM
You're supposed to be dead!

DEAN
How many times do we gotta kill you?

(A spotlight hits center stage. Rising slowly through a trapdoor is GABRIEL. He's decked out in a white linen suit, red shirt, black-and-red striped tie, straw Panama hat, and Stacey Adams shoes. When the lift stops he raises his hand, wiggles his eye brows and snaps his fingers. As if by magic four comely women appear, wearing matching white jackets, red satin body suits, black-and-red striped ties, white fedoras, black fishnet stockings and high heels, two behind either side of GABRIEL.)

OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN
(to the tune of "Oops! I Did It Again" by BRITNEY SPEARES )

GABRIEL AND CHORUS
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

GABRIEL
I think I did it again.
I made you believe you'd brought round my end.
Oh baby!
I'm just having some fun.
Better believe that my game's not done.
'Cause to live by your ethics
That is just so not what I do.
Oh baby, baby!

GABRIEL AND CHORUS
Oops! I did it again.
I messed with your minds, got lost in my game.
Oh baby, baby.
This is the life that I love
Since I fled from Above.
I'm not that innocent.

GABRIEL
You see my problem is this:
When big egos swell
Popping them's something I just can't resist.
Trickster's the role that I play
'Cause people are fools in so many ways.
But to live by your morals
That is just so not what I do.
Baby! Oh!

GABRIEL AND CHORUS
Oops! I did it again!
I jerked both your chains, got lost in the game.
Oh baby, baby!
This is the life that I love
Since I fled from Above.
I'm not that innocent.

SAM
(spoken, to GABRIEL as he's pawed by the adoring CHORUS)
You could use your powers for good, you know!

GABRIEL
(spoken)
Sorry, too-tall, not invested.

DEAN
(spoken)
So you have no problem being a selfish, irresponsible jerk?

GABRIEL
(spoken, not liking DEAN prodding his conscience)
How'd you like to spend the rest of eternity as a toilet seat in a frat house?

GABRIEL AND CHORUS
Oops! I... did it again to your minds.
Got lost in my game, oh baby!
Oops! You...think that I fell from Above.
I'm not that innocent.

Oops! I did it again.
I messed with your minds, got lost in my game.
Oh baby, baby!
It's the life that I love
Since I fled from Above.
I'm not that innocent.

SAM
(spoken, yelling and running at GABRIEL)
You're damn right you're not innocent!

(The CHORUS shrieks and runs offstage.)

DEAN
Whoa, Sammy!

GABRIEL
Yeah, whoa boy!

SAM
Whoa? Whoa?! (looking around frantically) Where's a stick? Somebody hand me a sharp stick! (jabbing a finger at GABRIEL) I'm going to ram it right through your - (sputtering to DEAN) Do you know what he did? No! Of course you don't! Because you were dead! A LOT. And you don't know what you went through! What I went through!

(A mariachi band comes from the woods, playing.)

100 WAYS I SAW DEAN DIE
(to the tune of "50 Ways To Say Goodbye" by TRAIN)

SAM
My heart was paralyzed.
My grief was over-sized.
I'd kill this Trickster if I could
He said it's meant to be.
That it's not Dean, it's me.
Dean had to die for my own good.

Not cool, 'cause for a hundred days I had to watch Dean die.

Hit by a shotgun.
Creamed by an old fart.
Crushed by a desk 'cause a rope broke apart.
I went crazy, I'm not going to lie.
A sausage link in his windpipe.
Slipped and hit drain pipe.
The diner's tacos were way too overripe.
Help me, help me, I'm sick of goodbyes
From all the ways I saw Dean die.

My pride still feels the sting.
I couldn't do anything.
I tried and tried but he still croaked.
Didn't know what it meant.
Can you say 'impotent?'
Should've staked the Trickster in the throat.

Not cool, 'cause for a hundred days I had to watch Dean die.

He was fried by a razor.
Split by a sharp ax.
A misshot arrow skewered him right in the larynx.
I went crazy, I'm not gonna lie.
Yet another Tuesday
He was mauled by a doggy.
After that it all went dark and foggy.
Help me, help me, I'm sick of goodbyes
From all the ways I watched Dean die.

Dean, I'd sacrifice my life for you.
I know you'd do the same thing too. Nooo...
The Trickster's lies aren't true!

Not cool, 'cause for a hundred days I had to watch Dean die.
Not cool, 'cause for a hundred days I had to watch Dean die.

Hit by a shotgun.
Creamed by an old fart.
Crushed by a desk when a rope broke apart.
I went crazy, I'm not gonna lie.
Sausage link in his windpipe.
Slipped and hit a drainpipe.
The diner's tacos were way too overripe.
Help me, help me, I'm sick of goodbyes!

He was fried by a razor.
Split by a sharp ax.
A misshot arrows skewered him right in the larynx.
I went crazy, I'm not gonna lie.
Yet another Tuesday
He was mauled by a doggy.
After that it all went dark and foggy.
Help me, help me, I'm sick of goodbyes
From all the ways I saw Dean die.

(SAM grabs a trumpet from a mariachi musician and moves as if to club GABRIEL with it. GABRIEL snaps his fingers. The scene goes dark.)

(A pure, white light fills center stage. CASTIEL is strapped down in a chair. METATRON, holding a vial glowing with CASTIEL'S Grace, smirks beside him.)

CASTIEL
I trusted you! I thought you were doing God's work!

METATRON
Oh I am, I am! As the saying goes, God moves in mysterious ways. And as I'm now the new and improved God, I can move any way I please.

METATRON, SUPERSTAR
(to the tune of "Superstar" from JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR )

METATRON
Every time you look at me you must understand
That God Himself selected me
To enact His plan.
I'll take God's Heaven
That's so blah and bland
And with a touch of tyranny
I'll make it grand!

If He were here today
Father would cheer on my schemes.
Read your Old Testament: the ends justify the means!

(HANNAH and a CHORUS of angels appear, looking at METATRON with worry and skepticism.)

HANNAH AND CHORUS
Don't you get me wrong.
Don't you get me wrong.
Don't you get me wrong now.
Don't you get me wrong.

Only want to know.
Only want to know.
Only want to know now.
Only want to know.

Metatron.
Metatron.
Who are you? What kind of drugs you on?
Metatron.
Metatron.
Who are you? What kind of drugs you on?

Metatron.
Superstar.
Do you think you're what you think you are?
Metatron.
Superstar.
Do you think you're what you think you are?

METATRON
What the world is craving
Is a shiny new God.
Worshipers will flock to me
Once I'm on the job.
Praise and hallelujahs
Will become my right.
And if there should be grumbling
You'll feel my righteous smite!

On Earth as in my Heaven
That's how it'll be.
(sotto)
And I'm not gonna end up
Sacrificed on some damn tree!

HANNAH AND ANGEL CHORUS
Don't you get me wrong.
Don't you get me wrong.
Don't you get me wrong now.
Don't you get me wrong.

Only want to know.
Only want to know.
Only want to know now.
Only want to know.

Metatron.
Metatron.
Who are you? What kind of drugs you on?
Metatron.
Metatron.
Who are you? What kind of drugs you on?

Metatron.
Superstar.
Do you think you're what you think you are?
Metatron.
Superstar.
Do you think you're what you think you are?

(With a thunderclap the scene goes black. Tiny lights streak across the sky over the woods like falling stars.)

(CASTIEL appears center stage in a cold, gold glow, looking up at the plummeting lights.)

STARS
(to the tune of "Stars" from LES MISERABLES )

CASTIEL
There, plunging through darkness
My family's falling.
Falling from God.
Falling from Grace.
God be my witness.
It's all my fault.
And I'll never save face.
No, I'll never save face.

I always worked to do good.
Mine was the way of the Lord.
But Metatron twisted my ambition.
This is my reward.
I see them fall
As Lucifer fell!
In flames
Like swords!

Stars
In your multitudes.
Scarce to be counted.
Filling the darkness
With blasphemous light.
You were the sentinels.
Silent and sure.
Keeping watch over the Right.
Keeping watch over the Right.

I knew my place in the sky.
I knew my course and my aim.
But I gripped the heart of Perdition.
Lifted him from the flames.
It was never the same.
I too should fall as Lucifer fell
And fall in shame!

So it must be
For so it is written
On the doorway to Paradise
That those who falter and those who fall
Must pay the price!

Oh, may I find God
That I may see Him
And humbly ask Why?

I will never rest!
Till then, this I swear!
This I swear by those stars!

(CASTIEL covers his face with his hands as the stars become a glowing light that intensifies and seems to swallow him. Suddenly, red light bursts from the woods as if coming from an open door. ABADDON marches through the door, silhouetted by the red light, followed by MEG and LILITH and the demon lady CHORUS. ABADDON plants herself center stage, MEG on one side, LILITH on the other, and the demon CHORUS behind.)

ABADDON
All this babble about God is tedious. Let's talk about real power, ladies.

ALL THE DEMON LADIES (PUT A CROWN ON IT)
(to the tune of "All The Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by BEYONCE )

ALL
All the demon ladies (all the demon ladies)
All the demon ladies (all the demon ladies)
All the demon ladies (all the demon ladies)
All the demon ladies!
Now put your hands up!

ABADDON
I lost my head, but I'm not dead.
Ready to do my own demon thing.
Lucifer was gone and all kinda wrong
Some pathetic slob replaced him.
That sorry tool thinks he's gonna rule.
Don't pay him any attention.
'Cause I am a Knight and I'm gonna fight.
That throne belongs to me.

ALL
Got my head back and I'm gonna put a crown on it.
Got my head back and I'm gonna put a crown on it.
Too bad Crowley if you're thinking that you'll keep it.
Got my head back and I'm gonna put crown on it.

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

ABADDON
That little prick thinks he's so slick.
The salesman should've stuck to crossroad deals.
Lucifer picked me and Crowley's gonna see
How a true King of Hell should be.
I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention.
'Cause he had his turn
And now he's gonna learn
What it feels like to piss off me.

ALL
Got my head back and I'm gonna put a crown on it.
Got my head back and I'm gonna put a crown on it.
Too bad Crowley if you're thinking that you'll keep it.
Got my head back and I'm gonna put a crown on it.

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

ABADDON
I'm gonna treat me to ruling the world.
I am that kind of girl.
Power is what I prefer, what I deserve.
The Hell throne will make me then take me
And deliver me to a destiny ruling infinity and beyond.
First I break Crowley's arms.
Make him call me his Queen.
Make him beg for sweet mercy.
Then with a snap he'll be gone.

ALL
All the demon ladies (all the demon ladies)
All the demon ladies (all the demon ladies)
All the demon ladies (all the demon ladies)
All the demon ladies!
Now put your hands up!

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

(They disappear in a flash of red smoke and light, followed by ABADDON'S evil laughter. The scene goes black.)

(We hear city sounds: traffic, bus brakes, hurried footsteps, voices.)

(The light comes up center stage to reveal GAVIN standing in front of a park bench, on which a homeless man is sleeping under a newspaper.)

(People walk by, one bumping into GAVIN.)

MAN
Get off the sidewalk, ya bum!

(A mother and child hurry by.)

CHILD
Why is that man dressed funny?

MOTHER
Don't make eye contact, Timmy!

(GAVIN sighs with miserable resignation.)

OH GAVIN BOY
(to the traditional Irish tune "Oh Danny Boy" )

GAVIN
Oh Gavin boy, you're screwed, you're screwed so royally.
Your wicked Dad did dump you unprepared
In a time so unfamiliar totally.
You're cold and tired, and just a little scared.

So thank ye, Dad, for saving me from drowning
To have me arse kicked by the local thugs.
On the street, with all I am not knowing.
It's on your head if I should turn to drugs.

Come see me, folks! The Prince of Hell in glory!
For a few coins I'll tell ye all my tale!
The Knight of Hell who made my eyes all gory!
And eating trash from yonder rat-filled pail.

HOMELESS MAN
(spoken)
It's called a Dumpster.

GAVIN
(spoken)
Thank you.

HOMELESS MAN
(spoken)
Don't mention it.

GAVIN
Oh Gavin boy, in this land you're a homeless hick.
(tiny snowflakes float down on him)
Oh lovely. Look: it's just starting to snow.
Dearest Father, you are indeed the biggest prick.
Oh Crowley dad, oh Daddy dear, I hate you so.

(As the music ends GAVIN sneezes.)

HOMELESS MAN
Gesundheit.

GAVIN
Thanks.

(The lights and sounds fade. The scene goes black.)

(We hear DEAN'S voice, scratchy, weak.)

DEAN
I'm proud of us...

SAM
NO!

(The lights slowly go up to reveal SAM kneeling center stage in front of all the elements needed to summon CROWLEY.)

SAM
Dammit, Crowley. You got him into this mess. You will get him out. Or so help me...

(SAM lights a match and drops it into the bowl. Flames flash in the bowl. CROWLEY steps out of the darkness into center stage with SAM.)

CROWLEY
You called, darling?

SAM
Get Dean out of this. Now.

CROWLEY
In exchange for...?

SAM
What?

CROWLEY
When have you ever known me to do freebies? I work strictly quid pro quo, Moose. You want me to save Dean. Then give me something I want.

SAM
Such as?

(CROWLEY grins wickedly. With a snap of his fingers a band appears, playing seductive salsa-mamba-cha cha music. Over the music CROWLEY says...)

CROWLEY
I'm a simple King of Hell. What's the most coveted item in the demon world, eh? A Winchester soul. Now, your brother's soul is a tad out of reach at the mo. But yours...

SAM
My soul for Dean's life?

CROWLEY
He did it for you.

SAM
You'll bring him back? No tricks?

CROWLEY
Moose. Don't you know by now that I'm a demon of my word? C'mon. Let's dance a little deal. Make up your mind. Clock's ticking. He's not getting any warmer.

I NEED TO KNOW
(to the tune of "I Need To Know" by MARC ANTHONY )

CROWLEY
They say around the way you've asked for me.
There's even talk about you wanting me.

SAM
(spoken)
Cram it, Crowley.

(CROWLEY laughs)

CROWLEY
I must admit that's what I want to hear.
But that's just talk until you take me there.

Oh, if it's true don't leave me all alone out here
Wondering if you're ever gonna take me there.
Tell me what you're feeling cuz I need to know.
Moose, you gotta let me know which way to go.
Cuz I need to know.
I need to know.
Tell me, Sammy boy, cuz I need to know.
I need to know.
I need to know.
Tell me, Sammy boy, cuz I need to know.

My every thought is of this being true.
It's getting harder not to think of you.

SAM
(spoken)
You disgust - OOF!

(CROWLEY grabs SAM in a dance embrace and stuffs his red lapel carnation between SAM's teeth.)

CROWLEY
Moose, I'm exactly where I want to be.
The only thing's I need you here with me.

(An infuriated SAM resentfully dances with CROWLEY, clenching the carnation in his teeth.)

CROWLEY
Oh, if it's true don't leave me all alone out here
Wondering if you're ever gonna take me there.
Tell me what you're feeling cuz I need to know.
Moose, you gotta let me know which way to go.
Cuz I need to know.
I need to know.
Tell me, Sammy boy, cuz I need to know.
I need to know.
I need to know.
Tell me, Sammy boy, cuz I need to know.

(DEAN suddenly appears right center. His eyes are black.)

DEAN
(spoken)
Can I cut in?

(The music ends, the band vanishes. SAM shoves CROWLEY away and stares at DEAN.)

SAM
Dean! You can't be ...

CROWLEY
Oh, I neglected to mention one little thing. The Mark. His being a demon now. Blah blah blah.

SAM
Dean! No!

DEAN
(eyes clearing)
Sam! Yes! And I never felt better! You need to join the club, little brother.

ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG
(to the tune of "Only The Good Die Young" by BILLY JOEL

DEAN
Come out, Sammy, don't make me wait.
We Winchester boys start much too late.
Sooner or later damnation's our fate.
There isn't anywhere to run.

They showed us a statute and told us to pray.
Dad made us Hunters and Hunters we'd stay.
But he didn't tell us the price that we'd pay
For things that we might have done...
Only the good die young.
That's what I said!
Only the good die young.
Only the good die young.

(DEAN nods at CROWLEY, who smirks back)

You might have heard I run with a dangerous crowd.
We ain't too pretty, we ain't too proud.

CROWLEY
(spoken)
Beg your pardon, I'm bloody gorgeous.

DEAN
We might be laughing a bit too loud.
Aw, but that never hurt no one.

C'mon, lil' brother, show me a sign.
Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line.
That righteous anger you're hiding behind
Never lets in the fun.
Sammy, only the good die young.

CROWLEY
That you're a good man we don't need any confirmation.
You've got a shiny soul
And a heart of gold.
But Moosey, they didn't give you quite enough information.
You didn't count on me
When you were counting on your rosary.

(DEAN and CROWLEY link arms and dance like a kick line.)

DEAN AND CROWLEY
Oh oh oh oh!
They say there's a Heaven for those who will wait.
Some say it's better, but we say it ain't.
We'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.
The sinners are much more fun.
You know that only the good die young!

CROWLEY
Your pet angel told you all that I could give you was a reputation.
He never cared for me.
But did he ever say a prayer for me?

DEAN AND CROWLEY
Oh oh oh oh!
Come out, come out, come out!
Sammy, don't make us wait.
We Winchester boys start much too late.
But sooner or later damnation's our fate.
There isn't anywhere to run.
You know that only the good die young!
Tell ya baby!
You know that only the good die young!
Only the good die young!

Only the gooood!
Only the good die young!
Oo oo oooo!

(CASTIEL comes from left center just as SAM grabs DEAN by the collar. The scene goes black.)

(The lights come up. SAM is releasing DEAN from a chair where he'd been strapped down. DEAN is rubbing his neck and blinking. CASTIEL stands by, watching.)

SAM
How do you feel?

DEAN
I've been better. I've been worse.

CASTIEL
But are you you?

DEAN
I guess time will tell.

(As the music rises SAM and DEAN hug. DEAN hugs CASTIEL. SAM holds a blade and hands DEAN the shotgun.)

ONE HUNT MORE
(to the tune of "One Day More" from LES MISERABLES)

SAM
One hunt more.
So my brother Dean has come back to me.
But is he really how he used to be?
Though he seemed to take the cure
How can I be really sure?
One hunt more.

CASTIEL
Paradise is one big mess.
And all the angels are now bitter.

DEAN
One hunt more.

CASTIEL

My Grace is straining from the stress.
I think I'll post a selfie on Twitter.

(CASTIEL takes a cell phone from his coat pocket, aims it at his face, grins, and we hear the click of taking a photo.)

CASTIEL
(spoken, texting)
Frowny face...

(BOBBY, KEVIN, MEG, ABADDON, RUFUS, ELLEN, JO and ASH enter from both sides.)

BOBBY
In case ya didn't know, I'm dead.

KEVIN, MEG, ABADDON, RUFUS, ELLEN, JO, ASH
Yup, we're really, really dead.

BOBBY
Ain't no sign of me revivin'.

KEVIN, MEG, ABADDON, RUFUS, ELLEN, JO, ASH
Pretty much we're stone cold dead.

BOBBY
And from what the writers said.

KEVIN, MEG, ABADDON, RUFUS, ELLEN, JO, ASH
But can you trust what they said?

BOBBY
You'll only see me at cons.

KEVIN, MEG, ABADDON, RUFUS, ELLEN, JO, ASH
Thank god for cons! We need the work!

SAM AND DEAN
One hunt more!

CROWLEY AND METATRON
(appearing together left center)
One hunt more to defeat villains.
This one's slipp'ry, this one's slime.
Maybe we should join our forces
Become partners in crime!

SAM AND DEAN
One hunt more!

GABRIEL
(popping his head up through a trap door)
Now you think I'm gone.
Then you think I'm back.
The writers wanna throw the fans off track.
First a little tease.
Then a little wink.
Am I dead or not?
What do you think?

ALL
We're all here because of fandom.
Raise those season ratings high!
Every fan will be a king.
Or Queen or genderless if you prefer.
There's a new audience we're winning.
There're new fans to be won.
Which is why we all can sing!

SAM AND DEAN
Our place is here! We hunt for you!

Tomorrow we'll be on the air.
Tomorrow we hope to see you there.

ALL
Tomorrow we'll discover
What our writers and producers have in store.
One more dawn.
One more day.
One hunt more!

CURTAIN