A/N: For Aileen. But bear with me, for as I told you, gays are hard to write. *giggle*
No one had ever asked Remus how he had felt after the battle at the Department of Mysteries.
He wouldn't have told the truth if someone did, but it still left quite a hole in him knowing that nobody would ever know his true feelings about everything that had happened.
In reality, he was torn apart.
Sure, he had put on a brave face for the Order, tried to move on.
But his soul had left him, leaving a shell of his former self. He had been given the Dementor's Kiss.
When Harry had come to him, his eyes full of tears asking about his godfather, Remus would swallow the lump in his throat and reminisce for hours about him, plastering on a fake smile for the boy, telling him wonderful stories of his childhood with Sirius. Harry never knew how hard it was to choke back the sobs.
And when Tonks had come to him, her heart outstretched in her hands, he had taken it and tried to use it to fill the void in his own breast. They had gotten married and now Tonks was expecting.
But it didn't help.
It only made the pain more intense.
He would feel Tonks' hand in his own, burning his flesh. They were too small, too tender.
He wanted desperately to shake it out and scream at her, "Why are you doing this?! How can you possibly think that you would be able to replace him?!"
But instead, he would bite his tongue and squeeze her fingers tightly, flashing her a grin.
She didn't know how much he had loved him. She would never know.
Tonks would kiss him, her inexperienced hands pushing their way around his back and leaving trails of saliva on his cheeks.
He hated it, but he would just close his eyes and kiss back. It was all a facade to him, an act he must perform in order to seem normal, when the truth was he was dying inside.
Only when he was lying in bed at night, the world asleep around him would he seem truly happy.
Only then would he be free to dream, without feeling guilty of disregarding his wife, his unborn child and those around him who were consoled by his support in the war.
He didn't care about them anymore.
As soon as he closed his eyes, he would feel Sirius' arms begin to wrap around him and tug him into his chest. He could feel Sirius' hot, sweet breath panting softly into his ear as he began to trail kisses down his neck.
"God, I've missed you."
He would grab ahold of Sirius' hands and squeeze them hard into his own.
They didn't feel like Tonks' small, brittle hands. They were strong and scratchy and fit perfectly into his own.
Remus would always try to speak to Sirius, but he would never answer.
"Where have you been, Sirius? Why have you gone away?"
Sirius would only chuckle, his grey eyes twinkling. He would raise a hand to Remus' face and gently trace down the lines of scars adorning his cheeks.
"Don't you love me anymore?"
Sirius would begin kissing down onto Remus' arms, every so often nipping at his skin with his sharp teeth.
Remus would breathe in sharply, taking in Sirius' scent. It was strong, almost overpowering, a wave of sweat and sandalwood. It was delicious.
Remus whispered quietly into Sirius' hair, "Why can't I see you anymore?"
Slowly, Sirius would unbutton Remus' nightshirt, taking time between each button to press their lips firmly together. Remus would snake out his tongue and inch it over Sirius' bottom lip.
Sirius would draw off his shirt and kiss his way down Remus' chest, licking playfully at his navel.
Each time it would make Remus tremble and Sirius would let out a silent giggle.
"Sirius, I know you are real. Come back to me."
At this, Sirius would stop and stare up at him, a sudden sadness in his eyes.
He grabbed ahold of Remus' chin and kissed him tenderly, his hands grabbing a tight hold of his hair and pulling him in even closer.
"Please come back to me, Sirius. Please, please, please."
For hours they would hold each other tightly, until Remus' limbs were numb, refusing to let him go.
He would bury his head into Sirius' chest, listening softly to a gentle beat in his chest.
'He has to be alive,' Remus thought to himself, 'I can hear his heart beating.'
This would be the time most precious to Remus, when he was enveloped in Sirius' warm arms.
He would curse the sun, praying it would never rise and they could stay that way forever.
And it would seem to work for a while, the moon and the stars the only witnesses.
But soon, through the shades in the windows, Remus would begin to make out a soft, bright sun beginning to work its way inside the bedroom, trying to push Sirius out of his hands.
"Don't leave me, alright?" Remus would ask, his fingers drawing lazy circles on Sirius' back.
Sirius would nod slowly and squeeze Remus tighter, but soon Remus could begin to feel the heat leaving Sirius' body, an icy cold sneaking its way up his legs and across his back.
Remus would press his ear painfully into Sirius' chest, listening as his heartbeat would start to disappear.
"Please."
Remus would feel the tears begin to well up in his eyes, burn down his cheeks and land softly on Sirius' arm.
It was at that moment that Sirius would speak, the only words he would ever utter.
"Keep me here."
Sirius' fingers would tiptoe across Remus' chest before settling directly above his heart.
Remus dug his fingernails into Sirius' back.
He knew this was it. The time when Sirius would leave him.
"Please, please. Don't leave. I love you! Stay here with me."
He would begin to feel Sirius' arms start to slacken, his fingers now ice cold.
Remus would scream and cry, clutching onto Sirius tightly and try to pull him back.
He would search up into Sirius' tender eyes, filled with tears.
And then he would be gone.
Remus would find himself in his bed, the sunlight pouring in and dumping itself all over the room.
He would turn onto his other side and see Tonks still sleeping soundly, her snores still reverberating the headboard.
He would lay there for a few more minutes, the pillow underneath him wet from tears and soaking into his hair before he slowly pushed off the sheets and sat up.
Sometimes he would glance down and see his shirt still unbuttoned and red marks strewn across his chest. Other times he would find strands of long, brown wavy hair tucked into the palm of his hand and once he even found a paw print marked on his pillowcase, but they all meant the same thing.
That Sirius loved him.
And that each night for the rest of Remus' life, he would come back to him and temporarily fill the aching void that had left him empty.
And Remus knew that he would never love Tonks and he would never feel normal, constantly putting on a fake smile and performing a show for everyone around him.
But he also knew that Sirius was watching him and waiting patiently until they could finally envelop each other forever.
And Remus would smile.