Plot: Sonny's father has been diagnosed with cancer, and Sonny needs some support.
Will's POV
The sparkle is gone... His shoulders are hanging down, his eyes are roaming the floor, and the sparkle is gone. He is usually the strong one, the one who tells me that it will all be alright, the one who filters out the one ray of sunlight that is still shining, the one to smile at me and hold me close when everything seems wrong and upside down. But not this time, not today, because today the sparkle is gone.
This morning Sonny got a phone call from his mother asking to meet up today. She sounded nervous and Sonny agreed to meet for dinner at the mansion. When we drove over to the mansion, we went over a number of options why his mother wanted to meet with us, and why she sounded nervous on the phone. And even though Sonny was worried then, as always he focussed on the positive options. And just before we left the car he smiled at me, kissed me on my cheek and said: "everything will be alright".
When we walked into the mansion we felt the tension hanging in the air. I reached for Sonny's hand and squeezed to let him know I was right by his side. He looked at me, smiled slightly and squeezed back. Hand in hand we walked into the dining room where the table was set for the four of us. Sonny's mum and dad were hugging tightly and their eyes were teary, but when they saw us walking in they faked a smile. We decided to sit down, and even though Sonny's parent tried to start some small talk, we all felt the tension surrounding us and holding us captive.
Sonny was still holding my hand, and I was wondering whether he was aware that he was holding it very tight. I tried to wiggle my fingers a little bit but his grip remained strong, so I gave up. "Sonny, Will", Sonny's father suddenly dropped the fake smile and looked both of us straight in the eye. His hand reached and found his wife's hand, and when they looked at each other she gave him a smile that said: "we can do this". "Dad?", I heard Sonny say, still holding my hand in a deadly grip. His father coughed and the fingers of his free hand were drawing invisible patterns on the table. "I.. euh.. there is something we need to tell you". He did not look at us, his eyes were locked on the bowl with a beautifully dressed, but untouched salad. Sonny and I, on the other hand, had our eyes fixed on his face, trying to figure out what he was trying to tell us. "Dad", that was Sonny again and this time his voice could no longer hide his worry. I reached over with my free hand so I could use both my hands to hold Sonny's. His father took a deep breath and said softly: "this is a bit hard to tell you guys... I am afraid it is not good news." His eyes left the salad bowl and he was looking at the both of us. "I went to the hospital today to get some test results." "What do you need testing for", Sonny asked before his father could continue. His father seemed to ignore the question and just continued: "they found a mass on my liver". I was still looking at his face and saw tears in his eyes, I saw how he swallowed them away and took a deep breath. I looked at Sonny's mum and she was crying without making a sound, but the tears were streaming from her eyes. We were just sitting there, hand in hand, not knowing what just happened, and not knowing what to say. I looked at Sonny, who was now staring into the salad bowl, confusion written on his face. I took a deep breath and said: "So, uh... what does that mean, can they...?". I stopped right there, realising that the answer to that question could take away all hope. I looked at Sonny again, but he was still focussed on the salad. His father shuffled on his chair and said softly: "Sonny... Sonny... look at me." "Son?" I whispered when he did not respond, and he suddenly looked up: "Yeah, I, I am listening, so what does that mean, I mean they must be able to fix it right?" My thumb was stroking his hand in an unsuccessful attempt to calm him down. His father took another deep breath and for some reason I knew that it was not going to be good news: "They can't fix it Sonny, it is a primary liver tumour and it is already in an advanced stage". "So, what does that mean..." Sonny asked again, looking from his father to his mother, afraid to hear the answer to his question. "The doctor thinks I have a few months..."
And now we are back home, in our own apartment. It is quiet as Gabi and Ari are spending the night with Rafe. We have been quiet on our way home, Sonny has not said much since his father spoke those devastating words. He hasn't cried either, he is just quiet and it feels as though he has a wall around him and I cannot reach him. I don't know what to do, or what to say, how to ease his pain or how to ease my own pain. I have always liked Sonny's father. He has always been supportive of Sonny and me, and the idea that he is not going to be around breaks my heart. I am leaning on the kitchen counter and look at Sonny who is sitting on our sofa. If my heart is breaking, his heart must be completely shattered, he loves his dad so much. His elbows are resting on his knees and his head and shoulders are hanging down. My heart goes out to him and all I want to do is hold him close, tell him that it is all going to be alright, but I don't move and just stand there looking at the man I love with all my heart. I cannot say anything like that because it does not make sense. I do want to hold him close though, but the wall he build around himself has not crumbled yet and I know he won't allow me to hold him now. He stands up: "I am going to take a shower". Without looking at me he walks towards the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
I decide to make some coffee as I know Sonny likes it. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge for myself and sit down at our kitchen table. I listen to the water of the shower falling down and feel tears welling up in my eyes. I swallow, and I swallow again. I blink, and I blink again. I let out a shaky breath and take a sip of my water. I must try to be strong now, Sonny needs me and he deserves to lean on me now. Usually it is the other way around. He is usually my rock no matter what has come our way. And I know he likes being my strength, he likes it when I lean on him and need him. But now it is different, now he needs to lean on someone and I am going to take care of him. The water stopped running and five minutes later Sonny walks back into our living room wearing his sweats and a loose t-shirt. He avoids my eyes and sits down on the sofa again. He reaches for the remote control but before he can turn the TV on I sit down next to him: "Sonny". I reach for his hand but he moves away. I try again: "Sonny". He shakes his head: "don't do this Will". "Do what", I ask. "This, being sweet", he stands up and walks towards the kitchen. I follow him and stand behind him while he refuses to turn around and face me. He takes a deep breath, and leans forward on the kitchen counter. The wall he build around himself is still there, but I can feel it starting to crumble. His right hand goes through his hair and his left hand squeezes the counter. "Turn around Sonny", I reach out and touch his shoulder. He does what I asked him, but avoids my eyes, fixing his eyes on my chest. "Hey", I say softly while I lay my hand on his cheek trying to turn his face so he will look at me. "Will...", I have never heard his voice like this. It is trembling slightly and all the confidence that is normally in it is gone. Even though I turned his face, he is still not looking at me. Both my hands are now cupping his face and my thumbs are stroking his cheek. "Sonny, honey, I don't know what to say... You must feel... I don't know what you must feel... baby, I am so so sorry... I wish I could take it all away, make your father better... Sonny". I am whispering softly, stroking his cheeks, hoping he will look at me. The wall he build is nearly gone, there are just a few stones left and I know that once those are gone and he will finally let me, I am ready to take care of him. "Sonny, I love you... let me take care of you...", I whisper the words hoping they will take down the last stones. He raises his eyes, and it seems as though he needs all his strength to do that. And suddenly we look into each other's eyes, the wall is gone.
I have never seen his eyes like this. They're so dark, empty, sad, and that little light that is always sparkling and shining is gone. "Will", he whispers my name and his hands reach for and hold on to my hips. I just stand there, stroking his cheeks, looking into his eyes, hoping that I will be strong enough to be his rock. His eyes are welling up, I see how tears are formed slowly and how they find their way down. My Sonny, my strong Sonny is crying. My heart hurts and I pull him into my arms. His arms slide around my waist and we hold each other as close as we can. I suddenly realize I am crying as well and I turn my head slightly so I can lean my head into the crook of his neck. My right hand goes through his hair out of habit, making a mess of it in an attempt to ease his pain. He is trembling now, all the emotions seem to come out. His body is leaning into mine completely and I make sure I stand steady enough to hold both of us up. We just stand there in front of the kitchen holding each other for what seems like hours.
"Sonny", I whisper softly into his ear:"we should go to bed". I feel him nod and I walk the both of us towards the bedroom. I sit him down on our bed and help him take his shirt off. I help him to lie down and pull the covers over his shoulders. I kiss his cheek and promise I'll be back soon. I lock the door, shut the light, close our bedroom door and take off my shirt and jeans before I crawl into bed next to my boyfriend. I spoon him, put my chin in the crook of his neck, my arm around his waist and my leg over his legs. He leans into my chest and lays his arm over mine. We just lay there awake in the dark trying to process everything we had been through that day. "How can it be that there is nothing they can do...", Sonny asks quietly into the dark. I don't know what to say and just agree with him: "I know". "I mean, they can do so much these days, why can't they do something", his voice is small and still unsteady. "I am sorry", I wish I could give him an answer, one that would actually take away all his pain, but I don't have it. "I love my dad so much", Sonny is crying again and I decide to just hold him close. And he lets me hold him, he lets me whisper sweet nothings in his ear and he lets me kiss his shoulder. When he is a bit calmer he turns around in my arms and puts his head on my chest. I hold him, stroke his hair and wait until he has fallen into a light sleep.
When I wake up the next morning I immediately feel that Sonny is not in the bed. "Sonny", I call out for him while I walk into the living room. He turns around from the kitchen counter, holding two cups of coffee in his hands. "I made coffee", he hands one of them to me and we sit down at the kitchen table. I reach for his hand and he intertwines out fingers. "I love you", he looks at me and I can see that he means it. "I love you", I smile while I say it and squeeze his hand. "Thank you for taking care of me last night". I just nod and take a sip of my coffee. "I am scared of what is coming", I can see the insecurity in his eyes, as well as the unasked question: I need your help to get through this. I stand up and pull him up as well. I place both our coffee cups on the table and hold his head between my strong hands. His arms pull me in close and our lips meet in a soft sweet kiss that lingers for a while. "Sonny, I will take care of you... I love you so much". And that is when I see it, the sparkle... It is very tiny and not nearly as bright as it used to be, but it is back. I look into his eyes and suddenly I am very sure that together we can make it through this.