I'm a shipper and man, do I feel for Charah. But you know something? I understand Sarah's point of view. Trust me, I've been Chuck lots of times but Sarah? That inner struggle between her duty and her feelings for Chuck, walking that fine line, that's gotta be hell. To that end, I didn't really have a problem with the Cole Barker arc.
Putting it into context, our boy Chuck has broken up with Sarah twice already. Once with Lou, and once with Jill. Sarah had her heart broken by Bryce when she found out he was a traitor and then was dead. The shock of all that, not even counting her background, would definitely make it hard for her to open up.
And then we have all the protocols associated with keeping Chuck safe, both physically and emotionally.
Having said all the above, this scene is set at the close of Chuck vs. the Lethal Weapon. Sarah is forced to acknowledge that Chuck is meaningful to her and passes on an opportunity to leave and not look back. No hesitation on her part, a very subtle difference from last year.
I wrote this first time fanfic because that scene is one of my favorites. I really believe that Alexandra Patsavas is inspired in her musical choices, but I must disagree with her choice for this scene. "Signs" by Bloc Party, definitely a Chuck angst choice. But since we're doing this from inside Sarah's head, her mental iPod playlist choices are a little darker. Sarah has a dark center, a loner attitude. I really think that her taste in music runs more to grunge with a dash of say, "The Cure". With that being said, Drowning Pool's acoustic version of "37 Stitches" really suits her mood in this scene.
37 Stitches by Drowning Pool
Do you see me, sitting here?
I'm waiting for you to say anything
Head hung low, kicking stones down
Kicking stones down the road to hell now
I'm waiting for you to say anything, anything yeah
I know you are the only one, my little taste of heaven
And you know I am the only one, your bitter taste of hell
Your eyes scream the end is creeping end
I'll need thirty-seven stitches, to keep the pain in
I know you are the only one, on the darkest side of the sun
Ooh yeah
Followed the piper's sweet whistling
Guided down the path by the wrong hand
Close my eyes for the chance of a better view
Plug my ears so I couldn't hear you
And I know you are the one
And you know I am the one
Your bitter taste of hell
I know you are the only one, a little taste of heaven
And you know I am the only one, your bitter taste of hell
Your eyes scream the end is creeping end
I'll need thirty-seven stitches, to keep the pain in
I know you are the only one, on the darkest side of the sun
Do you see me sitting here?
Still waiting for you to say anything
Head hung low kicking stones down
Kicking stones down the road to hell now
I'm waiting for you, i'm waiting for you, just say anything yeah
I know you are the only one, a little taste of heaven
And you know I am the only one, your bitter taste of hell
Your eyes scream the end is creeping end
I'll need thirty-seven stitches, thirty-seven stitches, yeah
I know you are the only one, on the darkest side of the sun
I know, I know (the darkest side of the sun)
You are the one. . . on the darkest side of the sun
It's past dark at Casa Bartowski. The courtyard lights, leading into the apartment complex, give off enough light to bathe Sarah in a soft glow. Limping from the earlier injury, Chuck steps through the outer arched entrance and sees her sitting, waiting. Not exactly a frown, but rather a look, part determination, part physical pain crosses his face momentarily as he gingerly limps toward her.
Lifting his messenger bag strap, he says to her "Has Cole left?", with that open, honest and caring manner of his. Sarah forces a reply, "uh huh", all the while dangerous thoughts rolling through her head.
"Quite a guy", grunting as he sits down, taking pressure off his injured foot. He faces away from her, too caught up in his own world to truly see her. He barely hears her as she mumbles, "Ah yeah that he is", all the while avoiding each other's eyes.
"But so are you, damnit!", she thinks. "Do you see me, sitting here, you're the only one. I had a chance to leave you, a chance to do what I'm good at. Oh, I flirted and tried to forget you but I can't. Every moment I'm with you, what I feel struggles with who I am!"
"You know, I understand what you seem him. Tops... one of the good guys",
Her body tenses with frustration. She hates it when he sells himself short, not seeing his potential.
" Sarah, I'm not going to move in with you... Because I can't... And you know why I can't...
You're talking…I promise you, I'm listening. Please look at me, I'm trying to tell you how I feel, without saying anything. You know I can't say it aloud. Please Chuck, don't let me hurt you again.
"I'm crazy about you. And I always have been. Having a fake relationship, that's one thing. But living together is... I mean everyday and being around each other and -and that's why I can't do it."
"It's not because I don't want to", she thinks. "I need to tell you this. But if I do, I can't go back. If I do, I can't stay, they'll send someone to take my place. Oh, God, I know you love me. I just can't say it to you."
"I hope you understand.", he says with a determined voice. She turns her head and looks away from him, giving him what he wants to hear, saying, "I do", in a clear voice.
"I'm trying to hold the pain in, Chuck. I'm trying to not let it show. I know what you want. But if I give in to you, I'll lose me and probably lose you, and I'm not ready for that. Would you give up Ellie and Morgan and Awesome, for me? Because that's what you're asking of me. That's what you mean to me."
" Thank you.", he says, as he stands, lifting his bag back on. He turns to look at her and says in a determined voice, " Oh and uh just so you know, I am going to get this thing out of my head, one day. I will. And when I do, I'm going to live the life I want with the girl I love. Because I'm not going to let this thing rob me of that. I just won't"
Why can't this be enough, Chuck? This is more then I've ever had, someone who cares for me without judgment, this little piece of heaven. Oh, Chuck, I can't walk away from you. Not now. I don't want to hurt you...
He reaches the apartment door, opens it and walks, never looking back. Determined to move down this path that will give him his heart's desire. She sits at the fountain a little longer, the walks out to her car, all the while wondering if she missed her chance to tell him how she feels. Unsure, she puts the key in the ignition, and pulls into traffic, back to her hotel and her too big of a bed, dreaming of a certain brown eyed man.