A/N: How about I not say anything and let you all just read. Spoilers through to the final battle and hints about the ending. Don't expect anything totally serious.
This is an unofficial birthday gift for Drache of the Official Tales of Forums. I missed her birthday a few days ago, and I threw in the beard and eyebrow references just for her. Happy Birthday, Drache!
Disclaimer: I don't own Abyss in any way, shape, or form. And the characters are happy about that.
When the Battle Stops
A standoff. Four adventurers against a sole enemy. The journey has been long, and the fights have been endless. At times The Hero thought he and his friends would never get to the final battle. And yet here they stood.
The Hero steps forward, gripping his sword. "This is it!" He declared. "We're stopping you here!"
The Villain chuckled. "I suppose you're going to tell me to give up my evil ways and stop my 'crazy plans', hm?"
The Heroine shakes her head, clutching a staff. "No. It is too late for that. You're too far gone."
"We can't allow you to reap havoc on this world any longer," Adds The Staff-Wielder, closing his eyes.
"You're gonna be sorry!" Cries The Little Mage as she shakes her fist.
The Hero raises his sword as The Villain walks forward in an eerie calm. "Then I'll have to dispose of you right here. Then maybe you'll see," the malicious man tells the group as he glows with power.
The world goes bright and a voice gripped with thrill whispers, "This is it."
The Hero charges with a scream of rage as the battle commences. His comrades yell comments around him, telling each other to be careful or cast certain attacks. He focuses on his sword fighting and the strong urge to not be blasted by the on-coming fireball.
Dodge right. Block. Step forward. Run, aim, and then- SLICE! He grins and then goes into a fury of techniques. Healing comes from various items spells, as well as mystic aid from The Heroine. Super attacks rage at times, and The Hero is knocked out more than once, but he continues to fight with the help of his friends. The Villain changes appearance more than once due to some mystical force, yet the small group still endures.
Finally, the battle is coming to an end. Run, charge up, leap, raise sword- "AND NOW-!"
"KIIIIDS! DINNER TIME!" A foreign, yet not-so-foreign voice.
Pause. The world freezes and everyone is still. The Hero is stuck in mid-air; The Heroine in mid-cast; The Little Mage in mid-rage; The Staff-Wielder in mid-swing; and The Villain in mid-death. Ho hum.
"B-bu-bu-but Moooooom!" A female whine. "It's the final battle!"
"I know how those things go!" A warning voice. "You finish and you'll be down there an hour watching the ending!"
Defeated silence.
"… She's right, you know." Another voice, male, taunting.
"Shut up!" A growl.
"Now, come!" The familiar yet not voice calls again. "You've been down there all week!"
"Ohhh…"
"Come on, sis; it won't go anywhere."
A sniffle. "I'll be back soon, I promise!"
"… How am I related to you?"
Footsteps die away and the adventurers are silent. The Hero groans. "Could she have at least waited for me to land?"
The Villain rolls his eyes. "You? What about me? I'm here, bleeding half to death, and she doesn't even give me the decency to die quickly."
"You can't even feel it when we're Paused!" The Little Mage jabs.
The Villain goes silent. "It's the principle of the matter," He says finally.
The Little Mage looks like she's about to snap again, but an off-screen voice cuts her off. "At least you guys can actually do something! We're stuck off on the sidelines!"
The Little Mage smirks. "Well, we're more liked than you!"
"Not true," Calls the same male voice. "I'm used almost more than you are!"
A slight female scoff sounds from off-screen. "Yes, be lucky that you are used at all."
It's the Hero's turn to smirk. "Yeah, you've been used a grand total of, what, ten times?"
His response is an almost uncharacteristic growl of rage. The adventurers are suddenly glad the field is Paused, for if it wasn't, they were sure they would be bombarded with a fury of arrows.
"Yeah, well, you should all just be glad you're still in the story!" An angrier version of the Hero's voice sounds throughout the battlefield. "How could they do that to me?! Don't they know that I'm so much more popular than the dreck?!"
The Hero's mouth drops open. "That's not true! Take it back!"
"You only deny it because it's true!" The angry voice taunts.
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is tooo!"
"Is not, is not, is not!"
"Is too, is too, is too!"
The two voices started screaming over each other and the fellow adventurers moan in exasperation. "Do they always do this?" The Villain questions.
"Every time." The Heroine responds with a sigh.
The Staff-Wielder knows what to do to solve this problem. He glances at the Heroine and the off-screen female (yes, he can look at something off-screen; he's just that awesome). "Well, tell them to stop."
"Wh-why do you think we can get them to stop?" The Heroine sputters. "I know why she can, but I-"
The Little Mage giggles. "Oh, stop trying to deny it! It's obvious!"
"That's right!" Calls a squeaky voice from the item bag. It's the Mascot. "Even I can tell you like Master!"
The Heroine curses the dreaded Pause Button for ever being invented; if she could move, they would all be mince meat by now.
The Hero blinked and glanced toward the Heroine. "What're they talking about?" He asks densely.
The off-screen male and female can be heard chuckling. "He'll never learn," the male comments.
Even the angry voice from above is enjoying the scene. "Just like the dreck."
The Heroine doesn't know if she's relieved or insulted. She decides not to say anything.
The Villain pipes up instead, "So, that's what's been going on, hm?"
The Heroine almost squeaks and the Hero blinks again. "What's been going on?"
The dying Villain looks the Hero square in the eye. "If I am going to die, then I will leave you with this last message." The Heroine silently pleads for him to stop while the other adventurers try to contain their laughter. "If you wish to go out with my sister… You must look like me!"
The Hero coughs and blushes, clearly having a hard time breathing. The Heroine does the same. "Wh-what?!"
The Villain continues, "Yes, you must take on my visage so I will be certain that you can take care of her." He was obviously referring to his pwnsome beard and massive eyebrows, the source of his power. "If you do not, then I will come back and haunt you."
The angry voice from above suddenly doesn't seem as angry as his laughter fills the battlefield. "Oh, man, dreck, you really know how to pick 'em!"
The Hero tries to speak, but finds his throat seems to have closed up, so all he can do is yelp.
A sudden shrill squeal interrupts the group's conversations. "Oh, I'm back, I'm back, I'm back my precious ones!" It's the female from earlier, the one with the power of the Pause Button.
"Still can't believe I'm related to you," the earlier male chimes in.
"Quiet!" Snaps the female in a deadly tone. She continues with a sugary-sweet voice, "You might offend them!"
"Crazy."
"Your point?"
A sigh.
"Well, what're we waiting for?! I haven't been denying myself of sleep, food, sunlight, and human contact for a week to sit around dawdling!"
"Crazy."
A giggle. "Oh, here I come, Vandesdelca! Time for you to reap what you sew!"
The Villain winces on screen. He has a strong feeling that his "short death" will be a lot more painful than he originally intended.
"And hopefully I'll get some hawt romantic action after the battle!" The female squees excitedly as the Hero and the Heroine both squeak.
"Totally insane."
"Hey, you want it too, don't deny it!"
Silence. "Just start the game already."
One final squee sounds before the Pause is removed.
Right before the battle continues, the adventurers are sure they can hear a soft protest from the Heroine. The Hero is almost sure he hears, "But I don't want Luke to look like my brother," but the Villain's dying scream drowns out the rest.
And then came the cinematic endings. And the female voice bawled.
A/N: This is probably one of the weirdest things I've ever written. I originally started writing it for my school's literary magazine, but I decided it would be too hard to just parody the last battle of Abyss and still get away with not having copyright issues. That and I just had to include a reference to Van's beard and eyebrows being the source of his power.
Again, this is not supposed to be taken completely seriously. The reactions of the two playing the game (AKA me and my brother) are almost exactly how we acted while playing this, including the "denying of sleep, food, sunlight, and human contact". Hope you all at least got a laugh or two
Digital-Dragon-Master844
"Digi-Dragon"