Title: Following fate
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: R
Content: Language, implied sex, hint of slash (only suggested), character death.
Spoilers: Season 3 (up to Waiting in the Wings).
Pairings: Lindsey/Fred
Description: Lindsey is forced to join Angel Investigations when he starts getting visions.
Setting: Season three, just after 'Fredless'.
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: Ask first please.
Disclaimer: Do not own characters or make money from abusing them. *g*
I didn't come back for this. I never wanted to play a round of déjà vu with the people who made me life hell for two years. I didn't believe in fate.
Until it fucked up my life.
It started when I ran into Cordelia Chase. She started talking as if we were old high school buddies. Me, being the perfect gentleman, just stood there, fake smile on my face, nodding and agreeing with everything she said. She actually asked me to go for coffee with her.
After she'd double-checked I wasn't evil anymore.
I had some time...I thought, what the hell. Maybe I'd even get a date out of it.
That'd piss the vampire off. Dating his good friend, Miss Chase. Makes me smile just thinking about it.
But things didn't exactly go to plan.
We went to the bank first. As you do when you have no money what so ever since you left your well-paid job for a crappy job on your old man's farm. She babbled and gabbed until she went red in the face. I just smiled at her. What had possessed her to even talk to me, I don't know.
And then it happened.
Not the thing that happens to people who kill vampires and work for devil worshiping lawyers. People like us don't live in the real world. Sometimes we forget that the worst dangers aren't the big evil demons or the vengeful souled vampires...
They're ordinary people like you and me.
Cordelia tried to stop them...tried to be a heroine.
Too much time playing heroes made her believe she could handle a couple of inexperienced kids with a gun.
And I stood by and let it happen. I watched as the kid pointed the gun and let it off without even knowing how to work it.
I watched as she fell, watched as the boys ran, leaving behind the cash they'd intended on stealing. Watched as she slowly died in my arms.
And do know what she did before she slipped away? She reached up and kissed me. Brushed her lips against mine before closing her eyes.
And all I could do was watch.
I still wonder to this day if fate played a part. Is it too much too believe the fact that I happened to be there, the fact we happened to meet...that they'd chosen that exact moment to rob the bank, is a coincidence?
I watched as she was taken away in an ambulance. Nothing but a body bag laid out on a stretcher.
She was supposed to be Angel's eyes. His link to the powers. I shouldn't have cared. I should have gone home and forgot I ever saw her.
But I didn't. I went to him.
*****
I walked through the doors and looked around timidly. This was news I didn't want to give. News I wouldn't have under different circumstances. But it was my fault. I was to blame...it was only fair I suffer.
"What are you doing back?" Angel asked me, appearing from the office.
I stuttered at first. Exactly how do you tell someone this kinda news?
"Well?" He was impatient. I get that.
"It's Cordelia." I said hesitantly.
His face drained. "What about her?"
"She...she got shot, today at the bank. I was there." I told him.
He didn't believe me. Could see it in his eyes.
"She's been taken to the hospital." I said, turning away. "She didn't make it."
I left, nothing else I could do. Did my part.
*****
I sat in my hotel room staring at the wall for a good few hours. I've seen death before. It doesn't get easier. Seeing it...messes you up. Makes you think how fucking pointless everything is.
I want to get drunk. Wash away the guilt with several rounds of beer, whiskey, gin...anything as long as I can forget her face...the kiss.
So I head out to a bar. Know which ones are good, which ones to avoid...but you know where I end up?
Fucking Caritas.
Lorne watches me walk in a smiles as if he knew I'd be back. He nods at the stage and I nod back. Got nothing better to do.
I take up my guitar (handy that I had that isn't it?). I swear, sometimes my mind works against me.
I get up there and sing my heart out. Conveniently picking the saddest fucking song I can.
Lorne watches me, tears in his eyes. Not the kindest way of telling him of young Cordelia's demise, but he knows now.
When I finish, I get my usual round of applause and make my way over the Host.
"It wasn't your fault, Lindsey." He says, trying to console me.
But I'm not upset. "Whatever you say. Just...tell me something interesting."
He smiles. "Fate's a funny thing."
Fate? I didn't want to hear about fate. Been thinking about fate far too much.
"You were in the right place at the right time." He says.
I snort. "Hardly."
"You're right where you need to be..."
"Here?" I ask.
He smiles, knowingly. "Everything will become clear tonight. Go home Lindsey."
I walk away, feeling more confused now than ever.
*****
And so I'm back again. In my hotel room, thinking. I drink a bottle of whiskey I brought on the way back and attempt to watch TV.
And then it hits me. Like running into a wall, the sharp pain in my head explodes and I double over. Images, sounds, and emotions... they all hit me at once.
As quickly as it began, it ends, leaving my brain aching and my body shaking. What the hell was that?
I grab my jacket, ready to go straight back to Lorne for an explanation.
And then I remember.
Cordelia's visions. Oh shit.
*****
This is the second awkward visit in as many days. But this time I really do have to be here.
I thought about leaving...making out like it was just too much whiskey. But the images I'd seen...the emotions I'd felt...
I silently curse myself for caring so much about people I don't even know as I walk in and look around. No one's there.
"Hello?" I call, just in case. "Angel!"
I'm just about to leave before I see him, standing at the bottom of the stairs, a blank look on his face.
"I need to talk to you." I say urgently.
"Tell me..." He says, walking over threateningly. "Tell me exactly what happened."
Oh great, this is all I need.
"Tell me how you managed it." He says calmly.
"Managed it?" I ask. "You think I planned this?" Fuck this shit. I'm not taking this from him. I walk out, pissed off.
But he's blocking my way, a fierce look on his face. I back away slowly.
"We met up, she asked me for coffee...we went to the bank, she tried to stop a couple of kids from robbing the bank and she got shot." I explain. "I couldn't do anything."
"Bullshit."
"Something happened tonight. I had a vision."
He stares at me, either shocked, unbelieving or a mixture of the two.
"I saw people in pain...Lorne said..."
"Lorne?"
"The Host? Green guy who reads your soul..." I remind him. "Anyway, he said that things would become clear tonight, that I was right where I needed to be."
Angel snorts.
"I don't want to see these. I want them out my head, now!" I yell.
He sighs before answering. "There is no way. You're stuck with them."
I stumble backwards, the weight of his words silencing me.
"She kissed you, before she died." He says, as if he knows.
I nod.
"And you saw people. You had a vision. What was it?" He asks.
"A couple living on 34 Amble Street, they have a slight demon problem." I say quietly.
He nods before walking to the door. "Stay here. We'll sort it out when I get back."
I watch him leave before turning and looking around the hotel. What have I gotten myself into?
Angel blames me, I know he does. I killed his friend and now I'm his link to the fucking powers. That's just peachy.
*****
He arrives back a couple of hours later and says nothing. He carries an axe covered in demon slime so I know things went well. Feel kinda good about that.
He puts the axes away before looking at me. I look back.
"I don't know why this has happened." He says suddenly. "Why her...? Why you? But it has. You're my link to the powers now and so I need to know. What do you plan on doing about it?"
I think real hard. This is one of those decisions that you know could change your life. The kind you could end up regretting or thanking God for. And he wanted me to make mine.
Of course the negative thoughts ran though my head first. Stay here with Angel of all people. Never live up to their memories of Cordelia, have painful visions and die at an early age...
Help people. Make up for the bad things I've done and thought could never be rectified. Perhaps even make it up to Cordelia for letting her die.
I make a decision I know I'll regret. One I know will turn out badly. One that surprises me as much as it does Angel. "I'll do whatever you want me to."
Angel nods eventually. He doesn't like this anymore than I do. But he's already passed the seething anger, guilt and false hope. He knows the score...knows he needs to carry on with his work. Knows I'm the only way he can do that.
That should make me feel powerful. Make me feel special. But it doesn't. I feel sorry for him, if I'm his last hope.
"You can stay here if you want." Angel says offhandedly.
I hesitate. Didn't want to stay with him. Working with him'll be bad enough. But it'll be safer for me if I do. Wolfram and Hart are probably still a little sore at me. "Fine."
As he walks upstairs, I follow slowly. Can't believe I'm even considering this. I look up and see a little figure dart behind a pillar. Could have sworn that was a girl. Thought Cordelia was the only girl here. Maybe I'm seeing things.
*****
I sat in my room, after collecting my things from the hotel. Angel's explaining the situation to his friends downstairs. I can imagine how hard that must be. Only a day after Cordelia's death and I'm replacing her.
Things really aren't gonna get any easier just yet.
A knock at my door startles me and I open it carefully. Angel stands there, an emotionally exhausted look on his face. "They're not happy about it, but I guess we don't have a choice."
I look away. Nice to know I'm wanted.
"I think it'd be better if you just stay up here for a while. They're still angry about..."
Cordelia. Yeah, I get that.
"Yeah, sure. Whatever." I say. He leaves me alone and I throw my fists against the wall.
*****
I stay away from them, a recluse in a hotel room, simply ringing down to reception with the details...getting a snappy reply from Gunn or a virtually silent one from Wesley. Strange thing is...Angel's the one who doesn't seem to have much of a problem with me.
Or course, it is only a few words over the phone.
I never go out and I don't think they even notice. Angel knows to bring me food and I offer him all the money I can from my savings.
I didn't even have to ask him for painkillers. Because shit...if this pain isn't tearing my head apart...
But I'll deal. I deserve this and more and the more time alone I spend, the more I think that.
But one day...one day no one answers the phone when I get a vision. Having spent a week in solitude, nothing but being passed food through the door way and being left alone again...I can't leave the room. I find it very difficult and have to keep my hand on the wall...ever so slightly scared of what they'll say...how they'll look at me. I've grown accustomed to no people. Prefer it that way sometimes.
But the vision has to be told.
A girl was screaming...a man following her down a hallway with a lot of doors. Seemed vaguely familiar somehow...
I hear shouting downstairs and wonder what's going on. It takes all my efforts not to run back to my room...to safety.
I hear someone running upstairs and wonder if they're heading this way. Time passes and I realise they're not. I walk to the landing and look down onto the lobby and see Wesley. He looks...wrong somehow. Scary even.
And this time I don't think it's me.
I go the other way, wondering if I can find the owner of the footsteps...it's that or wait there while scary Wesley walks up the stairs brandishing a weapon.
Walking through the hallway...the one I've never seen before, I realise exactly what I'm seeing. I pick up the pace, desperate to find the screaming girl from my vision. Have to save her from newly psycho-ed Wesley. This'll make them happy...Angel will thank me.
Unless it's the psycho British guy I have to save from the screaming girl.
Dumb fucking visions...no clarity what so ever.
Every door I pass is closed which doesn't mean she's not in there, it means I'm not going to look. I'm sure I'll know the door when I see it...
You have visions Lindsey, you're not psychic.
Still worth trying.
"Hello? Is anyone there?" I ask, softly, making sure my American accent shows through...can't have her thinking I'm Wesley.
"Fred!" Wesley's voice calls.
Fred? Thought it was a girl.
I walk on quickly...know she must be here somewhere.
The first open door I see, I walk in. She has to be in there...
The place is a mess, planks and white sheets...maybe Angel's doing it up. I check the closet but she's not there, I go to leave but something tells me she's in here. Hey! Psychic after all.
Feeling good about myself now. "Fred?"
A small head peeps out from under the bed.
"Are you Fred?"
She nods hesitantly.
"It's okay...he's not here, but we have to get out of here. Now." I say.
She creeps out, a small wisp of a thing. Her features are so small, I know now for sure it's her that needs protecting.
"What happened?" I ask as I walk her to the door.
"Wesley touched the blood." She whispers as if it means something. She stops and stares at the door as he stands there, weapon in hand.
I put my arm in front of her, edging her back...manly need to protect damsel in distress.
Especially pretty little damsel in distress.
"Wesley, what the hell's going on?" I demand.
"Look at you..." Wesley says to her as if I don't exist. "Running around with every man you meet. All you women are alike."
"Wesley I..."
"Hey!" I object. "What's wrong with you?"
"He touched the blood...Billy's blood!" Fred tells me.
"I have to teach her a lesson..." Wesley says with a sick sadistic voice. "She needs to learn."
"Learn what?" I ask, angrily.
"That she won't get away with the things she wears and the way she acts...I won't stand for it." Wesley says, still moving forward as we, like cattle move back into an enclosed space.
"How about we talk about this rationally?" I ask, holding my hands up peacefully.
He swings the axe at me, narrowly missing my head and all I hear is Fred screaming. I run forward, talking him to the ground. "Get out of here, now!"
Fred carefully runs past and out the door, slightly hesitating at the thought of leaving the knight in shining armour to die at the hands of the psychotic British guy who's 'touched Billy's blood.'
But she finally bolts, understanding there's more chance for me if she gets help...
She better be getting help. I don't wanna die here. Not by Wesley...I'd have to pass the visions on and there's no way I'm kissing him.
As he finally gets the upper hand, I brace myself, sure my head's gonna roll. The last thing I feel is a sharp blow to the head and then nothing.
*****
"I think he's waking up..." A small voice says carefully.
"Hey man, you okay?"
"Uhhh..." I feel my hand fly to my forehead and then realise why...it's hurts like a bitch.
"You've had a small concussion, but it doesn't look serious. Still, I think you'd be better checking it out at hospital...they know more than me...well, the head specialists do." I hear Fred say.
"Fred, he's waking up...you don't wanna scare the guy, do you?" I hear Gunn ask her.
"M'okay...just...in pain." I say. I finally open my eyes and see my vision blur a little before focusing on the small beauty I risked my life for. "Wesley?"
"He's okay. I knocked him out." Fred says, smiling.
"Oh." Now I'm embarrassed. I was supposed to save her...so much for knight in shining armour.
"You saved me life." She says and I find myself noticing her accent.
"From Texas?" She asks.
She blushes a little. "Yeah...that's where I was born...and lived...you know, before moving here and being sucked into a portal, living as a slave in a demon dimension and then being rescued by everyone here at Angel investigations and coming back to LA where I've lived since."
"Wow." I say. "You can say all that without breathing?"
She giggles and goes red again, bringing colour to her pale cheeks.
"Come on Fred, he's okay. We better go wait for Angel downstairs." Gunn says, holding out his hand.
"I better wait here. He needs looking after. You go wait for Angel, I don't mind babysitting." She says, sweetly.
Gunn looks a little taken back...perhaps a little jealous too. "Alright...just watch he don't kill ya or nothin'." He says flatly, before leaving.
Fred looks more hurt at the comment than I do. "He didn't mean that."
"Yes I did." Gunn says through the door.
I smile. "It's okay. He has every right to say it."
"So you're the mystery man behind the door." She says, her eyes still darting across me...trying to work out what I am.
"Mystery man?"
"No one told me about you. Just said you'd come to give up visions...or something. I didn't ask because they were all so sad about Cordelia. Angel hardly speaks to anyone."
"Yeah...I'm not surprised." I say, honestly.
"I always kinda wondered who was in here." She babbles. "I mean, I knew you were a man, because they kept saying he. And that you have visions. And I know you like peanut butter...which is good because I love peanut butter..."
I can't help but laugh; ignoring the pain it brings to my head.
"Sorry...they say I talk funny...and too much."
"Who do?"
"Everyone."
"I like it. No one talks to me in here...kinda nice to hear a voice again." I say, smiling.
She blushes again. "I can talk to you...I mean, if you want me to."
"Sure. Come help me pass the time. It's not fun, sitting in here. The only contact I get is to give vision information to your boss."
"Oh...I was alone for a long time. In a cave." She says. "But then Angel saved me..."
Angel. Saves everyone. Everyone but me.
"Fred." Angel's voice calls through the door. "Come down here for a minute please."
She looks guiltily at me. "I better go."
"Yeah...nice meeting you Fred."
Again with the blushing. "Me too...glad to meet you I mean."
I watch her leave, a smile on my face. I think I'm going to like her.
Angel walks in, wiping the smile of my face immediately. "I heard what you did today."
"Yeah?" Not really bothered to tell you the truth.
"Thanks. For stopping Wesley. I'm sure he's thankful too...you probably saved Fred's life."
That must have been tough for him to say. I can almost here the added line; 'Why couldn't you do the same for Cordelia?'
"I had a vision...no one answered the phone so I went to go downstairs and ran into her, that's all. Nothing special."
"Fred says different, but it doesn't matter. You did the right thing and that's what's important."
The right thing? What, he thought I might microwave some popcorn and watch the show...'The shining 2: Curse of Billy's blood'?" Okay, I've done shitty things...but I'm not evil. Especially not now. Can't say I know any evil people who'd save a girls life for no reason other than...'I wanted to.'
He takes my silence as gratitude and leaves.
Alone again...but not alone in my thoughts. Because a certain girl plays upon them, making me smile. First time I'm happy to be alone in a long time.
*****
I don't come out of my room often, but she doesn't like that. Now she knows the crazy man hidden away in the hotel room like a dirty secret, she wants him to come out and play.
And who could say no to a girl like that?
Ignoring the looks I get...the cold words, I follow her round downstairs, listening to her rattle on with fascination at every word.
She comes out with some crazy things sometimes.
"But I think if I make it battery powered, rather than electrical...then, maybe we could use it as...well, a crossbow I guess. But stronger. And it looks better."
I just stand there and smile.
"You think I'm crazy dontcha?" She asks me, looking me in the eyes in the search for an element of truth.
Maybe someone warned her about my previous profession.
"Yeah I do. The good kinda crazy. The crazy that makes sense somehow and goes on to discovering great things. The crazy that makes people drawn to you...that makes you that much different, that much better than the other girls people meet." I say honestly.
Once again her skin tints red and she looks away as she giggles.
"Why do you do that?" I ask. "You always blush when I compliment you."
She looks a little worried by my question, before answering it with great struggle. "Well...I guess I'm not used to compliments. I mean, I was never popular at school. I didn't have many friends...then I spent five years in rags and a collar being called a cow."
"That's not good." I say, smiling as she cracks another smile.
"I didn't get any compliments there." She says. "I tried to explain to them that I couldn't be a cow because cows have..."
"Fred, I'm sure Lindsey doesn't want to hear about cows. Could you go and get Angel for me?" Wesley asked, interrupting her.
Fred looks at him hesitantly.
"I can do it." I offer.
"No offence, but I don't believe that's a good idea." Wesley says, hardly able to look me in the eye. He's been stranger with Fred. Must be the whole axe murder complex he had. "Angel's hardly spoken to anybody since...he just would rather see someone other than..."
"Someone who tried to kill him?" I finish for him.
He winces at the term, then nods and walks away. Wow, that was awkward.
"Poor Wesley. He's still feeling so bad about before." Fred says, watching him sadly. "I wish knew what to do."
"Things haven't been going so well this year, huh?" I ask, wondering if anyone but Fred and me are going to smile in this place.
"What with Cordelia...and then Wesley...no. Not really." Fred sighs. "But don't worry, I have a feeling things are going to get better now. Don't you?"
"Uh...yeah...well, no. I don't have feelings. Just visions, remember?" I remind her.
"Yeah, but if I ask you my fortune?" She asks excitedly.
"No, Fred, doesn't work like that." I smile. Her smile fades and I suddenly I miss it. "But I can try if you like?"
She's excited again, thrusting her hand in my face. I take it and pretend to study the lines, my fingers softly tracing the lines to her finger tips, making her shiver. I look into her eyes as she looks back at me. "What do you see?"
"A pretty girl."
She giggles and pulls away, playfully hitting me in the process. "You do not!"
I cock my head and laugh. "Okay, I see a man in your future."
"Is it someone I know?"
"Kind of." I reply. "You're going to fall in love very soon. And the most important thing is to follow your heart...because as with all incredibly attractive and magnetic crazy people, he's not the only one who has affections for you."
She looks at me with awe, as if she actually believes things I say.
"Hey...come on, don't believe me." I say. "I thought you were smart."
"Well I...just think, anyone who can have visions of the future could be able to tell it. And I like that future. I think. Is it a good future?" Fred asks, her nose wrinkling slightly as she asks me.
"Yeah...it's good." I reply.
Well, I'm not completely making it up. I know a guy likes her. I've seen the way Wesley looks at her...and the way she looks back. I've also seen the jealous looks Gunn throws us every so often.
And yeah, I think maybe there's a slight chance I...like...her. A little. Not a big thing or anything. Just a...I like her. A lot.
But I'm not stupid; I know I don't deserve a girl like her. She doesn't know half...or any of the things I've done. And I can't tell her. How do you explain to someone innocent and sweet that you've...? I can't even tell myself sometimes.
"Hey, Lindsey!" She calls. "No thinking. Angel's doing enough of the quiet pondering; I could do with someone left in the real world to talk to. Unless you don't want to talk to me...you don't do you?"
I sigh and reach out to hold her hand, rubbing the smooth skin with my thumb, as I look her in the eyes. "No one I'd rather be with."
*****
Later on that day, things become quieter if possible. Gunn and Wesley pretend to have a conversation, throwing glances at Fred and me every so often...and Angel stares at the wall...funny how the look seems to suit him.
I look up as the door opens and my lips part, mid-way between saying something and being unable to.
Angel stands up and looks at our visitor, equally as speechless.
"Hello, lover. Long time no see."
"Darla." Angel and I both say.
She finally notices me, standing by the desk with Fred and smiles. "And Lindsey. This is new."
"Who's Darla?" Fred whispers to me.
Good question, but I don't want to be the one who has to answer. But seeing as everyone else is too busy staring at the pregnant vampire...I do it simply to hide the wave of emotion that comes flooding back just by seeing her face.
"Vampire...Angel's Sire, brought back as human after he staked her, turned again by Angel's childe, tried to get Angel back...failed and left." I whisper back quietly.
"Missing on some details there, aren't we Lindsey?" She asks me from the other side of the room.
I just glare at her. I won't let her get to me. Not after all she's done.
"Well, when did this happen?" Angel asks, hesitantly.
"You know exactly when it happened." She replies, bitterly.
"No way! Angel, tell me you didn't sleep with her." Gunn demands.
"Uh..." Angel frowns, ignoring Gunn's question. "This is impossible."
"Tell me about it...Daddy!" She mocks, walking in as if she owns the place.
I suddenly feel the urge to leave. I can't stand this. But suddenly Fred's hand slips over my arm and I'd rather stay than have to pull her off.
"Angel...did you?" Gunn asks again.
"Vampire's can't have children. Wesley?" Angel asks for backup.
"Ah, no, he's right. It's not possible." Wesley stutters.
"Did you or did you not sleep with a vampire, endangering your soul and all our lives?" Gunn asks again.
"You know we can't. I know we can't. But...we did." Darla points out.
"I wonder if this might not be the bad thing we were expecting." Fred says, suddenly.
"You're expecting a bad thing?" I ask her.
"The prophecies." She explains.
I see Darla looking at Fred's hand on my arm and smiling, making me cold. I pull away from Fred, unsure of what she's thinking.
"What did you do to me?" Darla asks, looking back at Angel before slugging him across the face.
It takes all kind of willpower not to cheer her on.
Gunn and Wesley intervene, Wesley helping Darla to the sofa and Gunn pulling Angel off the ground.
I give up, I can't see this. Darla...pregnant with his baby. I walk out, leaving a surprised Fred staring after me. I don't suppose the others are all that shocked. Angel especially.
I shut myself back in my room, remembering the thousand reasons I hate Angel. I begin to hit the wall angrily, not sure why I'm really angry...I just wish she'd stayed away. She's come back, dredging up the past and...how can I look at her and Angel, knowing that I loved her and she only had eyes for him?
Hours pass and no one comes to see me. Well, Fred doesn't. I wonder if maybe they've left. I decide to wait...being stubborn as I am. I can't go back down there now. Just seeing her makes me crazy.
"Lindsey?"
Fred's voice comes through my door and I run to it, glad she finally made it.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I falter. Which part? "What do you mean?"
"You told me all the important bits...but you left out one tiny detail." Fred says, a hurt look on her face. "This is all your fault."
"Fred, I..."
"No, listen. You brought her back. You made her a vampire again...you worked for the company that tried to make Angel, Angelus again." She accuses.
"I know...but that was a long time ago." I argue.
"And all those little talks we had, you never thought to mention any of it?" She asks me.
"I'm sorry." I say. "I didn't think you'd..."
"Care?"
"Talk to me again." I finish.
She looks away. "I just thought I knew you and now...I don't."
She starts to walk away, but I have one last question. "Who told you?"
"Does it matter?" She asks me angrily.
"Yeah."
"Darla."
*****
I leave it a few minutes, before storming downstairs and looking around for the bitch from hell. "Where is she?"
"She ran off. Angel's gone to find her." Gunn tells me.
"How about Fred?" I ask.
He throws me a dirty look. "She's been real quiet since she got back from Caritas. She's in her room and she doesn't want to be disturbed, got it?"
I nod. "Got it."
I walk upstairs and head straight for her room, hoping there's a way I can make this better. "Fred?"
"Go 'way, Lindsey." She mutters back.
"Fred...I did some bad things, I know. But when I left Wolfram and Hart, I made a decision to leave it behind me. When Cordelia...passed these visions on...I was terrified. But at the same time, I knew it was my chance to make up for what I did. Will you let me in? I hate talking to the door; it never changes its expression. Come on."
I think I hear a small giggle, before the door opens and she stands there.
"I know I should have told you..." I begin.
"I'm just mad because...Darla said you..." She breaks off and looks away embarrassed.
"Darla said what?" I ask, flatly.
"That you...well, I think she might have been lying...but she said you...you know."
"I don't know." I tell her.
"That you..." She lowers her voice like it's some big secret. "Like me."
"Like you?"
"I know, you don't...I knew she was lying..." Fred babbles.
"No, Fred...I do...I do like you...I don't understand why she'd tell you that though."
Fred looks at me with a sudden realisation. "Oh...oh! She was trying to hurt your feelings wasn't she? I mean, turn me against you...I'm sorry!" Fred says.
"No, it was a good job she told you. I should have done it in the first place...but I'm glad you know now." I tell her, smiling.
"Fred, Angel has to talk to you!" Wesley yells from down the corridor.
Fred and I exchange nervous glances before she walks out, closing her door and we both make our way to see Angel.
*****
It wasn't easy after that. Angel and I didn't talk at all, both of us knowing the slightest conversation could turn to Darla...and I really didn't want to have to kill him.
Or be killed. Which lets face it, was the more likely.
Darla smirked at me a whole lot, occasionally saying something, trying to get a rise out of me. I remained calm and I think soon enough, she got the picture I wasn't interested in her or her mind games.
Think that pissed her off more than anything.
But that moment in the car, while she was in labour...that was the worst. Because she actually seemed more...human, than she was...human.
"Maybe we should go...Angel's taking too long." I say.
The others aren't so sure. They're reluctant to go anywhere without him, not when he's the only one who can handle the hormonal vampire in the back seat.
"Fine, I'll go get him..." I say, hoping someone will object and we can move the damn car.
But no one does, so I jump out and run to the Hyperion.
*****
Suddenly very thankful I used the back way...because the old guy and the two demons have Angel attached to iron poles with clasps on the ends, one around each wrist and another around his neck.
Now that's a sight...I would have loved to have seen not so long ago. But, now...now I'm feeling all heroic and before I can question my sanity, I have a crossbow and a small throwing axe.
Very nearly catch Angel with the bow...but still manage to kill the two demons, leaving Angel free to kick the other guy's ass.
And for some reason...there's not much ass kicking.
"Lindsey, get out of here." Angel mutters.
"Angel...Darla...baby." I remind him in short words so he understands.
"Get out!" He yells.
I throw the crossbow on the floor and leave. Bastard doesn't even appreciate my help.
I arrive back at the car just as more Grappler demons appear round the alley.
"Just in time." Gunn mutters. "This your doing?"
"I'm assuming it's the work of the guy Angel was fighting with...old looking...well, I saved his life, not that he cared much, but it seems he's too busy with the guy to be here."
"Guess we're on our own then." Gunn says, grabbing the weapons from the trunk and throwing me one.
I see Darla muttering in the back seat and frown. "She okay in there?"
Gunn smirks at me and turns back to the car. I shake my head, wishing for once they didn't hate me so much.
Before the battle can end, Darla starts the car and begins to run the demons over. I'm all ready to congratulate her on a great idea...before she drives away.
*****
Everything seems a blur from then... still haven't stopped to think about what's going on. Darla...my reason for living not so long ago is here with Angel's baby and all I can think about is Fred not forgiving me. I know it's crazy, but she was the only one who'd even look at me at the hotel. What if I've blown that?
Things are getting a little too intense for me and I have to wonder, why the hell am I here? Lindsey McDonald does not run around through the streets of LA to make sure Angel and Darla deliver a healthy baby.
These visions are doing something to my head; they're frying my brains.
Before I know it, we're all huddled in the rain, as Darla gives birth. We know full well it's only a matter of time before the old guys comes along and kills us all, but with a screaming woman on the floor, you can't do much about it.
Darla mutters something to Angel and takes his hand. I see her hand move to grasp the piece of wood and just stop...
I just stop again. Watch as Cordelia hits the ground; watch as Darla thrusts the stake into her heart...watch like the pathetic shit I am as another girl dies before me.
"Lindsey..." Fred warns as she sees Holtz appear.
I can't quite process things right now. I want the world to stop moving so fast...Darla was just here a minute ago... she waltzed in all cocky and pissed off.
"Lindsey!"
I hear the panic in her voice and rise to my feet. See Angel cradling the baby, sheltering it from the rain and I want to cry.
Fred looks nervously at the old guy and so I hold my arm around her. I protect her like Angel protects his kid and feel her press into my chest.
The old man simply lowers his weapon and Angel walks away. Smiling at me, Fred and I follow.
*****
I asked for calm and now I have it. Everyone's with Angel right now and I have time to sit down and just think. Darla just gave her life for her unborn baby, Angel's playing 'Dad,' and instead of the many things that should be on my mind right now, I can only think of the little brunette that felt so right leaning into me. She's driving me crazy here. My whole world, none of it makes sense anymore, but there is one thing I know.
I'd rather be with her more than anyone else in the world.
"Lindsey? Can I come in?" Fred asks through my door.
"Sure." I say, smiling as she opens it and walks in. "I thought you were with the others."
"I had to talk to you." Fred says finally.
"Oh...good talk or bad talk?" I ask, jokingly.
"Oh...good, definitely." She says, sitting beside me on the bed.
"Okay...give it to me." I say.
"I...just wanted to say thanks for everything you just did. You didn't have to help us like that...but you did. And I know Angel's grateful."
"I don't care about Angel."
"I'm grateful." She says again, smiling.
"Well you...you I care about." I tell her softly, leaning in.
"You do?" She asks quietly.
I move slowly to her, watching her every move like a rabbit, terrified of any movement she makes.
Her eyes close and our lips meet and it feels so much better than the alley...so much better than the talks...just that one moment and I don't want to have to pull away. And I don't think she does either, but sooner or later, you just have to.
She blushes immediately. "I shouldn't have...I have to go."
"You didn't want to?" I ask quickly. Have to make sure, can't have Angel ripping my throat out for trying it on.
"No...I did. I just...have to go."
And she's out the door before I can protest.
Not that I mind. I'm smiling so much my face muscles are beginning to work again. Been along time since I did anything but smirk. I lie on my bed and close my eyes and for once I don't have to think about Darla, Angel, Cordelia, my hand, my past, my future...I think about her and nothing else.
Quite a liberating feeling too.
*****
"Sshh...it's alright. Lindsey's gonna take care of you." I say softly. "Please don't cry."
Talking to Fred? I wish.
"Connor...come on...stop crying or your dad'll think I'm trying to hurt you." I beg.
"I guess he has taste." Angel says, a small smile on his face as he leans against the doorframe.
"Didn't hear you sneak in." I say, flatly. "He was crying...sorry, just wanted him to shut up."
Embarrassed and feeling strangely guilty, I put the kid back in his cot and look at Angel awkwardly.
"It's okay. I was just about to come up myself." He says.
Check us out! We're having a conversation.
"Good." I say. "I better go."
I try to walk out but he stops me with a hand on my arm. "Can we talk?"
"I don't know, can we?" I laugh nervously.
The look on his face says he's serious so I follow him back into the room and I take a seat on the chair.
"Firstly, I want to apologise for my behaviour." He says.
Okay, needing resuscitation-help here...Angel just apologised.
"Don't look at me like that. I was hard on you...I didn't make it easy. I know that. Losing two friends in just over two years has been very hard on me. But that wasn't why I was so out of order. I don't like you."
I roll my eyes. Here it comes.
"I didn't like you...I suppose is a more accurate term. I don't know you now. You did a big thing coming here and helping us when you didn't have to. You've lived with these visions and a lesser man would have made desperate attempts at getting rid of them. You helped me after everything I did to you and I respect you for that."
I'm flattered. Confused and a little awkward, but definitely flattered. "Thank you."
"I'm not done." He says, a soft smile appearing. "Then there's the time you saved my life from Holtz. Not so long ago you would have enjoyed watching...but you saved my life, even after all the Darla drama."
"Well, I don't...Darla was history to me at the time." I tell him. "I'd moved on."
"Then there was the time you saved Fred's life." He reminds me.
I smile. There was no thanks needed for that...I'd do it a thousand times again if she'd only talk to me for longer than three seconds about what happened.
"Wesley, Fred and I...we're all very grateful for that. Again, you did more than you had to." He says, looking me in the eyes now that all the difficult stuff's been said. "I misjudged you."
"Maybe I misjudged myself." I say quietly. "I never wanted to be here and if I had the chance I'd leave in a second. But helping these people I see in my head...even if I only tell you when, where and who...I feel like I'm making it up...to the people I've hurt...and to Cordelia."
He nods. "I think she knew what she was doing when she passed on the gift to you."
"I was the only available person to take them." I remind him. "But I still like to think I'm doing okay."
"You are." He tells me. "Now just two little things."
"Uh-oh." I joke, cracking smile.
"Lorne isn't always around to look after Connor...and I understand if you don't like..."
"You want me to baby-sit?" I ask, this is far too amusing. "You're asking the guy who used to work for Wolfram and Hart and wanted you dead for years...to baby-sit your only son?"
"Yeah." He says, uncertainty filling his eyes now I've said that.
"You must really trust me for a guy who hasn't said more than a few words since I came here." I tell him.
"Well...I do." He says. "And you know I'd hunt you down and cause more pain than any normal human could handle for the rest of your natural life if you hurt him, right?"
"That's fine with me." I say.
He goes to get up.
"Wait!" I say. "Wasn't there something else?"
"Oh yeah..." He smiles cryptically. "We're having a problem with Fred...she seems to be in love with one of the guys. I was hoping you could help her out a bit...lead her to her one true love, that kinda thing?"
I feel my heart sink. She loves someone else?
"That 'heartbroken little boy look' looks good on you, Lindsey." He says, chuckling.
"Is that supposed to be funny?" I ask, wondering why I ever bothered talking to him...letting myself start to like him.
"Oh it is funny." He says. "She's in love with you, Lindsey. If she doesn't stop daydreaming and smelling like she wants to jump you there and then when you walk in a room, I'm going to go mad...so please, please will you just end this 'how to break the record for length of courting period' show and get on with it?"
I'm speechless and I think all I can do is laugh. He looks at me as if I've gone crazy.
"Stop it...you're scaring me." He says, backing away to the door.
"She loves me? Are you sure?" I ask, getting far to excited.
"Only an idiot could ask that question." He mutters. But I don't care. I jump from my seat and I'm almost out the room, before I'm dragged back in by my collar.
"Hey!"
"Not yet. Do you want to blow it?" He asks me.
"No...but I have to hurry because Wesley and Gunn..."
"Have found new love interests." He says.
"They have?" That's even better. Now I have her all to myself.
"We're going to a concert of Gunn's soon, but they're playing a show I really want to see at the same time, so I intend on buying tickets there. I know for a fact Fred will love the show, so you're welcome to come with us. Ask her to accompany you...like a gentleman. You do know what one of those is, don't you?"
I smirk. "I happen to be a gentleman."
Angel rolls his eyes. "Just because you use the restroom with the sign on, does not mean you're a gentleman."
"I know that...but I can dress nicely and pull her chair out and...why are you laughing?"
"I'm going to teach you some things before we go. If you're going to do this, you're going to do it right. I don't want two brooding heartbroken people living here."
"Because it'll make such a change from one brooding person here." I shoot back, regretting it immediately. I shouldn't have mentioned it.
But he smiles. "Like I said, all that's going to change. I'm happy right now. I have my son and my friends and I won't let things get me down. There's been too much of that lately."
"Well, good for you." I say. "I'm up for a change in atmosphere."
"Go out and get a tuxedo." He says, passing me some bills.
I want to say no. The polite thing to do. The proud thing to do. But I still take them. "Thanks Dad."
"Don't cheek me." He warns, kidding around.
"Sorry Dad." I say, walking off before he can clout me round the back of the head.
*****
Okay...plan of action. Get suit...get hair cut by female with taste...spend every last cent of Angel's money on aftershave and shoes...when Angel announces trip to whatever show it is we're going to...I ask her to accompany me...she says no and slaps me before storming off and breaking my heart, humiliating me in front of her friends and I'm cast out into the night with no where to go and nothing but my aftershave a shoes to keep me company.
It's possible I'm nervous about this.
A little too nervous.
No, no, no, no...Lindsey McDonald does not get nervous. Lindsey McDonald is confident...cool...
Lindsey McDonald is talking to himself in the middle of a clothes shop.
I make a quick exit and look for the kinda shop I can afford, but doesn't look too cheap. I'm really in the wrong part of town. I used to shop here when I had more money than sense to hide it in a swiss back account. Now all I can do is try not to get thrown out by the snobby sales people. These people used to worship me...now they look at me like Julia Roberts...yep, check me out...I'm 'Pretty man.'
Without the whole 'whore' part. And I'm poor to rich to poor...would make an amusing sequel though.
I'm just about to leave, when I spot Lilah Morgan coming out of one of the shops across the street.
Familiar feelings of disgust that I used to be her...not literally...and seeing her has brought it all back. Have a small desire to know how she's doing in my job, but not enough to actually go over there and say hi.
Unfortunately, luck is not on my side and she sees me as she crosses the street. I'm trapped and she's moving in for the kill.
Death by evil lawyer bitch.
"Lindsey? I haven't seen you for a while. I heard you moved in with Angel...a new career move?" She asks in her permanently catty tone.
"Something like that." I say. No way am I going to give her more information than she needs.
"You look like shit...they take your bank account away?"
"What else would you expect?" I ask her, trying to remain cocky...the old me...show her I'm still as good as her.
"How's life going for you with Angel?" She asks out of interest.
"Great actually." I reply simply.
"You look after his baby much?" She asks me.
I should have known. I feel intense anger rising but I won't let her see it. "None of your business Lilah...that baby's Angels...and you won't be getting your hands on it any time soon."
"That remains to be seen. If you ever fancy another change in career, give me a call. We'll talk. I'm sure Wolfram and Hart will welcome you back if you're the one to bring the boy to them."
"I'll have a real good think about that." I tell her.
"You do that." She fakes a smile, before walking off. "Bye Lindsey."
Bitch.
*****
"Angel..." I begin. I hate starting conversations with him...I'm so used to getting crap back off him, I feel naked without my barriers.
"Shhh...he's asleep." Angel whispers, walking out his room, taking me with him and shutting the door carefully. "What is it?"
"Today...I want you to know this, because you should...but it's probably a bad idea because I want you to trust me..."
"Then tell me." He suggests.
"Okay." I take a big breath. "I saw Lilah today. She knew I was here...and she...offered me a job back at Wolfram and Hart if I could get them the baby."
Angel looks at me emotionlessly so I continue.
"I said no way...and all that...I just want you to know. That it happened. In case you think I'm plotting with them or something...I'm not." I finish.
He nods. "Okay."
I frown at him. "Okay? Is that it?"
"You tell me. Is that it?" He asks.
"Yes."
"Then I'm not worried. I know they're after Connor and I know they'll try and use you to get him...but like I said, I trust you. After all, you know what'll happen to you, don't you?"
I nod and smile. "More pain than a normal human can handle...rest of my natural life...I remember."
"Good, then stop worrying about it and go downstairs and talk to Fred." Angel says.
"Uh...no...bad idea. No talking." I tell him, backing off towards my room.
"Fine, leave her alone and miserable." He says, walking away from me.
Bastard. Hit me where it hurts why don't you? "Fine. But what am I supposed to say?"
"I've heard 'hi' works wonders as a conversation opener." He smiles as he disappears round the corner.
Hi...I know it's been a while but...
Hi Fred, that kiss was amazing and I was wondering...
Hi...I'm in love with you.
Shit, I'm not supposed to say that. I keep letting it slip and I shouldn't. Love? No...can't fall in love. Not now. Not after all the trouble you've been through...
Fred loves me.
So naturally, I love her back. Just need to say it out loud.
I walk downstairs and see her. I plan on telling her now...that I love her.
Have it all planned out in my head...which is hurting, a lot.
Shit, not now!
Blinding pain and light that burns my eyes...and they aren't even open. I'm aware that I may be screaming some of this information out...but my body hurts, a lot. Why am I in so much pain? The vision's tearing me up here...
As it stops, I feel nothing but the blessed relief of unconsciousness.
*****
I open my eyes to the most beautiful sight I could have hoped for.
She's happy to see me to.
"Déjà vu." I say, carefully.
"What?"
"Déjà vu." I repeat. "You always gonna be here when I get knocked out?"
She blushes as she laughs, her hand on my hands, which are draped over my chest. Makes me feel so much better having her there.
"That vision hurt...a lot." I tell her.
"Well, you did fall down the stairs." She says.
"I did?"
"Yeah. You must like beating yourself up." She giggles.
"Oh yeah...favourite hobby." I tell her.
She sighs. "I was so worried...I thought you were dead."
"Me? Nah...takes more than a fall and some visions to kill me." I say, cockily.
"Still...I don't want you to die yet." She says decidedly.
"Okay. Promise I won't. No dying until you let me." I say.
"How's the patient?" Angel asks walking in.
"How're the people I saw?" I ask in reply.
"Alive...but not too well. They're in the hospital." Angel tells me.
"Which is where you might have been if Angel hadn't have saved you." Fred says.
"Thanks, man." I say, giving him an appreciative look.
He nods. "Anytime."
*****
Fred and I walk downstairs with Angel close behind. Gunn and Wesley are talking together, big smiles on their faces. As we get closer, Gunn looks at Angel expectantly.
Angel pulls out some tickets and holds them in the air, triumphantly.
"Are those the tickets? You got 'em?" He asks.
"Well, I got to the ticket place and..." Angel begins excitedly.
"Oh, I'm paying you back. This is on me." Gunn says.
I see Angel hasn't broken the news to Gunn that we're not going to his show. Wonder how Angel's gonna break the news.
"Mahta Hari is the tightest band in LA, you guys are gonna be tripping out..." Gunn babbled.
"The only thing is..." Angel tried to say.
"I said I'm good for it, man...don't have to worry about dipping into Connor's college fund. Time I saw Mahta Hari at the Troubador, they were the....Blinnikov Ballet Corps..." Gunn finished off, staring at the tickets he'd swiped off Angel.
I refrain from laughing.
"What's going on?" Gunn asks Angel.
"Trying to tell you. I went to the ticket place and Boom. Tonight only." Angel grins.
"But...you got ballet on my Mahta Hari tickets." Gunn says, at a loss.
"This is the Blinnikov World Ballet Corps." Angel tells them, as if it means something. "This is one of the premiere companies in the world. And they're doing Giselle! It's their signature piece."
"This is all like some horrible dream." Gunn says, a look of horror on his face.
"I think I've heard of them, very ahead of their time." Wesley comments.
"Oh yeah. I saw their production of Giselle in 1890...cried like a baby. And I was evil." Angel tells us.
Refraining from sniggering.
"I think sounds exciting." Fred says, smiling.
Now's my chance. "So do I." I say, looking at her. Now would be the moment you ask her...
Chicken shit. Angel, Fred...they're both waiting for what comes next, but I can't do it with an audience. I'll do it after...soon as we're alone.
"Gunn..." Angel goes to explain himself.
"This is not Mahta Hari. This is tutu's, and the guys with their big ass packages jumping up and down...this is just..." He says in desperation. "I will never trust you again. The trust is gone."
"Gunn...calm down, this'll be fun." Fred chastises.
"Seeing real ballet, live, it's like another world." Angel explains. "Gunn, these guys are tight, you're gonna be tripping out."
"Don't be using my own phrases when the trust is gone." Gunn warns.
"How am I going to know what to wear...it's been so long." Fred mutters.
"I'll take you." I offer.
I think she likes that idea. Perfect opportunity to ask her to accompany me too.
We all break off, getting back to work.
"Okay, but...I'm not still paying, right, 'cause it's like a nightmare..." Gunn calls out to everybody as we leave him alone to his utter despair.
*****
Okay, okay...so maybe going to the ballet is not my idea of a fun time, but if it means I can get things to progress properly with Fred, I'll brave it with a smile on my face. And maybe a pair of those glasses with the open eyes painted on the front.
But I think Fred's a little too smart to fall for that.
Oh well, hours of forcing my eyes open while men and women jump around in leotards can't be that hard.
"Fred, are you going to show me what you look like in that thing?" I ask, from outside the changing rooms.
"No, I look silly." She says back.
"That's not possible, now come out here so I can check you out." That came out a little wrong. "Check the dress out, I mean."
Eventually, a hand appears from around the curtain and she pops her head out. "Pass me the red one I was looking at."
I oblige, passing it through, trying to catch a glimpse at her outfit. Girls can be so weird sometimes.
"Fred?" So not the best time to do it, but through a curtain is so much easier for me.
"Yeah?"
"I was thinking, tonight is a trip out with...well, everyone but Lorne, right?" I ask.
"Yeah."
"So, I was thinking perhaps...you and I could, well...accompany each other." I say lamely.
"You mean, like a date?" I can hear the mocking in her voice and panic.
"No...no, just, forget it..."
"I'd love to." She says.
"You would?"
"Yeah."
I pause...this is better than perfect. She wants to go. A date. Me, her...and all her friends.
"Fred? Can I see the dress yet?" I ask, wondering what the hell takes her so long.
She walks out, her normal clothes on, the red dress under her arm. She passes me the other ones and smiles. "Put those away while I buy this."
"Don't I get to see?" I ask, faking a little hurt look.
"You can't wait 'til tonight?" She asks.
"No."
"Tough." And with a devious little grin, she's off to buy the dress, leaving me alone to be ogled by the middle-aged women in the shop. Yeah, yeah, a boyfriend who shops with his girlfriend...we do exist.
*****
Of course we're all dressed before her and waiting patiently in the lobby. Fred's not your average girl, but she can still manage to take forever to get dressed.
Angel and I are talking about that 'gentlemen' shit he's got me learning. Trying to get me to learn it so I don't mess up.
Angel nudges me and looks at the stairs. I follow his gaze and see Fred standing at the top of them, a hesitant look on her face.
She look's so amazing.
But rather than concentrating on telling her that, I have to concentrate on words, which are failing me miserably.
She looks down at me, her eyes not breaking contact as she descends, the dress fitting her perfectly in all the right places, her hair pulled back neatly, revealing the beautiful face I've fallen so helplessly in love with.
Wes and Gunn stop joking in the corner and look from her to me. There's a length of silence where all I can hear is my heart beat thumping and I'm sure I will never get the words out.
"How do I...I mean, is it okay?" She asks me...me and only me. As if I'm the only one who matters.
"You look beautiful." I finally tell her.
She blushes and breaks eye contact, but I don't let her. I offer my arm as Angel showed me to do and she takes it, giggling at my efforts.
I see Angel wink at me and smile. I better be careful...sooner or later, I'll have no reasons left to hate the guy.
I swear I can feel her heart beating abnormally fast as we walk together, and she's stealing looks at me as often as I am at her. This is the night I'm gonna tell her. Nothing's going to go wrong. We're going to have a nice normal night and she'll finally know how I feel.
*****
"Can you people go anywhere without solving a case?" I ask, a little angrier than I intended.
It was supposed to be tonight...I was supposed to tell her tonight. But instead crazy guys with masks that just won't die attack and...God knows what happened to Gunn and Wesley back stage. They've been bright red since we found them.
Come to think of it...they've acting suspiciously around each other all night.
The only good thing to have come out of our little trip to the ballet was the kiss Fred gave me when I pulled one of the freaky mask guys off her.
And the fact she won't let go of my waist, hugging up against me, her head against my shoulder in a tired hold.
Wesley's tending to Gunn's injury in his office and Angel...he smiles at me before looking up at the stairs. Lorne's standing there with a sad look on his face.
"Connor?" Angel asks quickly.
"Can I talk to you for a second. The baby's fine, but we've had a little visitor." Lorne says.
Angel nods and leaves us alone.
I look down at Fred, whose staring up at me with a contented gleam in her eyes. "I love you."
Extremely awkward period where her next words will either rip my heart out or make it soar.
She smiles back. "I know. I love you too."
"And I swear one day I'm gonna take you out on a real date...no friends tagging along..." I begin.
"And no crazy people trying to kill us." Fred adds.
There's a silence where all I can do is look into her eyes with all my love, hope, lust and fear and see it reflected in her own.
"Lindsey?"
"Yeah."
"Do you wanna...uh, you know...go upstairs now?" She asks.
"Sorry...it's late isn't it? Goodnight." I say leaning down to kiss her.
And now she's laughing at me.
"You never understand what I say. I meant together." She says, blushing slightly.
Realisation dawns. "Oh! Right...together..."
"If you don't want to..." Now she's paranoid.
"No...I do! If you want to, I mean." I say quickly.
"Uh, good...cause I want to..." We break eye contact, both more nervous than we've ever been.
"Maybe we should stop talking." I suggest.
She giggles. "Yes, I think so."
I lean to and pull her into my arms, my lips pressing against hers.
"Hey you two! Get a room!" Gunn yells over as he and Wesley emerge from the office.
Fred and I laugh and I lead her upstairs, leaving the two men behind to their own company.
As the door closes to my bedroom, her arms wrap around my neck and I know there is nowhere I'd rather be.
*****
I didn't come back for this. I never wanted to play a round of déjà vu with the people who made me life hell for two years. I didn't believe in fate.
Until it saved my life.
The End
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: R
Content: Language, implied sex, hint of slash (only suggested), character death.
Spoilers: Season 3 (up to Waiting in the Wings).
Pairings: Lindsey/Fred
Description: Lindsey is forced to join Angel Investigations when he starts getting visions.
Setting: Season three, just after 'Fredless'.
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: Ask first please.
Disclaimer: Do not own characters or make money from abusing them. *g*
I didn't come back for this. I never wanted to play a round of déjà vu with the people who made me life hell for two years. I didn't believe in fate.
Until it fucked up my life.
It started when I ran into Cordelia Chase. She started talking as if we were old high school buddies. Me, being the perfect gentleman, just stood there, fake smile on my face, nodding and agreeing with everything she said. She actually asked me to go for coffee with her.
After she'd double-checked I wasn't evil anymore.
I had some time...I thought, what the hell. Maybe I'd even get a date out of it.
That'd piss the vampire off. Dating his good friend, Miss Chase. Makes me smile just thinking about it.
But things didn't exactly go to plan.
We went to the bank first. As you do when you have no money what so ever since you left your well-paid job for a crappy job on your old man's farm. She babbled and gabbed until she went red in the face. I just smiled at her. What had possessed her to even talk to me, I don't know.
And then it happened.
Not the thing that happens to people who kill vampires and work for devil worshiping lawyers. People like us don't live in the real world. Sometimes we forget that the worst dangers aren't the big evil demons or the vengeful souled vampires...
They're ordinary people like you and me.
Cordelia tried to stop them...tried to be a heroine.
Too much time playing heroes made her believe she could handle a couple of inexperienced kids with a gun.
And I stood by and let it happen. I watched as the kid pointed the gun and let it off without even knowing how to work it.
I watched as she fell, watched as the boys ran, leaving behind the cash they'd intended on stealing. Watched as she slowly died in my arms.
And do know what she did before she slipped away? She reached up and kissed me. Brushed her lips against mine before closing her eyes.
And all I could do was watch.
I still wonder to this day if fate played a part. Is it too much too believe the fact that I happened to be there, the fact we happened to meet...that they'd chosen that exact moment to rob the bank, is a coincidence?
I watched as she was taken away in an ambulance. Nothing but a body bag laid out on a stretcher.
She was supposed to be Angel's eyes. His link to the powers. I shouldn't have cared. I should have gone home and forgot I ever saw her.
But I didn't. I went to him.
*****
I walked through the doors and looked around timidly. This was news I didn't want to give. News I wouldn't have under different circumstances. But it was my fault. I was to blame...it was only fair I suffer.
"What are you doing back?" Angel asked me, appearing from the office.
I stuttered at first. Exactly how do you tell someone this kinda news?
"Well?" He was impatient. I get that.
"It's Cordelia." I said hesitantly.
His face drained. "What about her?"
"She...she got shot, today at the bank. I was there." I told him.
He didn't believe me. Could see it in his eyes.
"She's been taken to the hospital." I said, turning away. "She didn't make it."
I left, nothing else I could do. Did my part.
*****
I sat in my hotel room staring at the wall for a good few hours. I've seen death before. It doesn't get easier. Seeing it...messes you up. Makes you think how fucking pointless everything is.
I want to get drunk. Wash away the guilt with several rounds of beer, whiskey, gin...anything as long as I can forget her face...the kiss.
So I head out to a bar. Know which ones are good, which ones to avoid...but you know where I end up?
Fucking Caritas.
Lorne watches me walk in a smiles as if he knew I'd be back. He nods at the stage and I nod back. Got nothing better to do.
I take up my guitar (handy that I had that isn't it?). I swear, sometimes my mind works against me.
I get up there and sing my heart out. Conveniently picking the saddest fucking song I can.
Lorne watches me, tears in his eyes. Not the kindest way of telling him of young Cordelia's demise, but he knows now.
When I finish, I get my usual round of applause and make my way over the Host.
"It wasn't your fault, Lindsey." He says, trying to console me.
But I'm not upset. "Whatever you say. Just...tell me something interesting."
He smiles. "Fate's a funny thing."
Fate? I didn't want to hear about fate. Been thinking about fate far too much.
"You were in the right place at the right time." He says.
I snort. "Hardly."
"You're right where you need to be..."
"Here?" I ask.
He smiles, knowingly. "Everything will become clear tonight. Go home Lindsey."
I walk away, feeling more confused now than ever.
*****
And so I'm back again. In my hotel room, thinking. I drink a bottle of whiskey I brought on the way back and attempt to watch TV.
And then it hits me. Like running into a wall, the sharp pain in my head explodes and I double over. Images, sounds, and emotions... they all hit me at once.
As quickly as it began, it ends, leaving my brain aching and my body shaking. What the hell was that?
I grab my jacket, ready to go straight back to Lorne for an explanation.
And then I remember.
Cordelia's visions. Oh shit.
*****
This is the second awkward visit in as many days. But this time I really do have to be here.
I thought about leaving...making out like it was just too much whiskey. But the images I'd seen...the emotions I'd felt...
I silently curse myself for caring so much about people I don't even know as I walk in and look around. No one's there.
"Hello?" I call, just in case. "Angel!"
I'm just about to leave before I see him, standing at the bottom of the stairs, a blank look on his face.
"I need to talk to you." I say urgently.
"Tell me..." He says, walking over threateningly. "Tell me exactly what happened."
Oh great, this is all I need.
"Tell me how you managed it." He says calmly.
"Managed it?" I ask. "You think I planned this?" Fuck this shit. I'm not taking this from him. I walk out, pissed off.
But he's blocking my way, a fierce look on his face. I back away slowly.
"We met up, she asked me for coffee...we went to the bank, she tried to stop a couple of kids from robbing the bank and she got shot." I explain. "I couldn't do anything."
"Bullshit."
"Something happened tonight. I had a vision."
He stares at me, either shocked, unbelieving or a mixture of the two.
"I saw people in pain...Lorne said..."
"Lorne?"
"The Host? Green guy who reads your soul..." I remind him. "Anyway, he said that things would become clear tonight, that I was right where I needed to be."
Angel snorts.
"I don't want to see these. I want them out my head, now!" I yell.
He sighs before answering. "There is no way. You're stuck with them."
I stumble backwards, the weight of his words silencing me.
"She kissed you, before she died." He says, as if he knows.
I nod.
"And you saw people. You had a vision. What was it?" He asks.
"A couple living on 34 Amble Street, they have a slight demon problem." I say quietly.
He nods before walking to the door. "Stay here. We'll sort it out when I get back."
I watch him leave before turning and looking around the hotel. What have I gotten myself into?
Angel blames me, I know he does. I killed his friend and now I'm his link to the fucking powers. That's just peachy.
*****
He arrives back a couple of hours later and says nothing. He carries an axe covered in demon slime so I know things went well. Feel kinda good about that.
He puts the axes away before looking at me. I look back.
"I don't know why this has happened." He says suddenly. "Why her...? Why you? But it has. You're my link to the powers now and so I need to know. What do you plan on doing about it?"
I think real hard. This is one of those decisions that you know could change your life. The kind you could end up regretting or thanking God for. And he wanted me to make mine.
Of course the negative thoughts ran though my head first. Stay here with Angel of all people. Never live up to their memories of Cordelia, have painful visions and die at an early age...
Help people. Make up for the bad things I've done and thought could never be rectified. Perhaps even make it up to Cordelia for letting her die.
I make a decision I know I'll regret. One I know will turn out badly. One that surprises me as much as it does Angel. "I'll do whatever you want me to."
Angel nods eventually. He doesn't like this anymore than I do. But he's already passed the seething anger, guilt and false hope. He knows the score...knows he needs to carry on with his work. Knows I'm the only way he can do that.
That should make me feel powerful. Make me feel special. But it doesn't. I feel sorry for him, if I'm his last hope.
"You can stay here if you want." Angel says offhandedly.
I hesitate. Didn't want to stay with him. Working with him'll be bad enough. But it'll be safer for me if I do. Wolfram and Hart are probably still a little sore at me. "Fine."
As he walks upstairs, I follow slowly. Can't believe I'm even considering this. I look up and see a little figure dart behind a pillar. Could have sworn that was a girl. Thought Cordelia was the only girl here. Maybe I'm seeing things.
*****
I sat in my room, after collecting my things from the hotel. Angel's explaining the situation to his friends downstairs. I can imagine how hard that must be. Only a day after Cordelia's death and I'm replacing her.
Things really aren't gonna get any easier just yet.
A knock at my door startles me and I open it carefully. Angel stands there, an emotionally exhausted look on his face. "They're not happy about it, but I guess we don't have a choice."
I look away. Nice to know I'm wanted.
"I think it'd be better if you just stay up here for a while. They're still angry about..."
Cordelia. Yeah, I get that.
"Yeah, sure. Whatever." I say. He leaves me alone and I throw my fists against the wall.
*****
I stay away from them, a recluse in a hotel room, simply ringing down to reception with the details...getting a snappy reply from Gunn or a virtually silent one from Wesley. Strange thing is...Angel's the one who doesn't seem to have much of a problem with me.
Or course, it is only a few words over the phone.
I never go out and I don't think they even notice. Angel knows to bring me food and I offer him all the money I can from my savings.
I didn't even have to ask him for painkillers. Because shit...if this pain isn't tearing my head apart...
But I'll deal. I deserve this and more and the more time alone I spend, the more I think that.
But one day...one day no one answers the phone when I get a vision. Having spent a week in solitude, nothing but being passed food through the door way and being left alone again...I can't leave the room. I find it very difficult and have to keep my hand on the wall...ever so slightly scared of what they'll say...how they'll look at me. I've grown accustomed to no people. Prefer it that way sometimes.
But the vision has to be told.
A girl was screaming...a man following her down a hallway with a lot of doors. Seemed vaguely familiar somehow...
I hear shouting downstairs and wonder what's going on. It takes all my efforts not to run back to my room...to safety.
I hear someone running upstairs and wonder if they're heading this way. Time passes and I realise they're not. I walk to the landing and look down onto the lobby and see Wesley. He looks...wrong somehow. Scary even.
And this time I don't think it's me.
I go the other way, wondering if I can find the owner of the footsteps...it's that or wait there while scary Wesley walks up the stairs brandishing a weapon.
Walking through the hallway...the one I've never seen before, I realise exactly what I'm seeing. I pick up the pace, desperate to find the screaming girl from my vision. Have to save her from newly psycho-ed Wesley. This'll make them happy...Angel will thank me.
Unless it's the psycho British guy I have to save from the screaming girl.
Dumb fucking visions...no clarity what so ever.
Every door I pass is closed which doesn't mean she's not in there, it means I'm not going to look. I'm sure I'll know the door when I see it...
You have visions Lindsey, you're not psychic.
Still worth trying.
"Hello? Is anyone there?" I ask, softly, making sure my American accent shows through...can't have her thinking I'm Wesley.
"Fred!" Wesley's voice calls.
Fred? Thought it was a girl.
I walk on quickly...know she must be here somewhere.
The first open door I see, I walk in. She has to be in there...
The place is a mess, planks and white sheets...maybe Angel's doing it up. I check the closet but she's not there, I go to leave but something tells me she's in here. Hey! Psychic after all.
Feeling good about myself now. "Fred?"
A small head peeps out from under the bed.
"Are you Fred?"
She nods hesitantly.
"It's okay...he's not here, but we have to get out of here. Now." I say.
She creeps out, a small wisp of a thing. Her features are so small, I know now for sure it's her that needs protecting.
"What happened?" I ask as I walk her to the door.
"Wesley touched the blood." She whispers as if it means something. She stops and stares at the door as he stands there, weapon in hand.
I put my arm in front of her, edging her back...manly need to protect damsel in distress.
Especially pretty little damsel in distress.
"Wesley, what the hell's going on?" I demand.
"Look at you..." Wesley says to her as if I don't exist. "Running around with every man you meet. All you women are alike."
"Wesley I..."
"Hey!" I object. "What's wrong with you?"
"He touched the blood...Billy's blood!" Fred tells me.
"I have to teach her a lesson..." Wesley says with a sick sadistic voice. "She needs to learn."
"Learn what?" I ask, angrily.
"That she won't get away with the things she wears and the way she acts...I won't stand for it." Wesley says, still moving forward as we, like cattle move back into an enclosed space.
"How about we talk about this rationally?" I ask, holding my hands up peacefully.
He swings the axe at me, narrowly missing my head and all I hear is Fred screaming. I run forward, talking him to the ground. "Get out of here, now!"
Fred carefully runs past and out the door, slightly hesitating at the thought of leaving the knight in shining armour to die at the hands of the psychotic British guy who's 'touched Billy's blood.'
But she finally bolts, understanding there's more chance for me if she gets help...
She better be getting help. I don't wanna die here. Not by Wesley...I'd have to pass the visions on and there's no way I'm kissing him.
As he finally gets the upper hand, I brace myself, sure my head's gonna roll. The last thing I feel is a sharp blow to the head and then nothing.
*****
"I think he's waking up..." A small voice says carefully.
"Hey man, you okay?"
"Uhhh..." I feel my hand fly to my forehead and then realise why...it's hurts like a bitch.
"You've had a small concussion, but it doesn't look serious. Still, I think you'd be better checking it out at hospital...they know more than me...well, the head specialists do." I hear Fred say.
"Fred, he's waking up...you don't wanna scare the guy, do you?" I hear Gunn ask her.
"M'okay...just...in pain." I say. I finally open my eyes and see my vision blur a little before focusing on the small beauty I risked my life for. "Wesley?"
"He's okay. I knocked him out." Fred says, smiling.
"Oh." Now I'm embarrassed. I was supposed to save her...so much for knight in shining armour.
"You saved me life." She says and I find myself noticing her accent.
"From Texas?" She asks.
She blushes a little. "Yeah...that's where I was born...and lived...you know, before moving here and being sucked into a portal, living as a slave in a demon dimension and then being rescued by everyone here at Angel investigations and coming back to LA where I've lived since."
"Wow." I say. "You can say all that without breathing?"
She giggles and goes red again, bringing colour to her pale cheeks.
"Come on Fred, he's okay. We better go wait for Angel downstairs." Gunn says, holding out his hand.
"I better wait here. He needs looking after. You go wait for Angel, I don't mind babysitting." She says, sweetly.
Gunn looks a little taken back...perhaps a little jealous too. "Alright...just watch he don't kill ya or nothin'." He says flatly, before leaving.
Fred looks more hurt at the comment than I do. "He didn't mean that."
"Yes I did." Gunn says through the door.
I smile. "It's okay. He has every right to say it."
"So you're the mystery man behind the door." She says, her eyes still darting across me...trying to work out what I am.
"Mystery man?"
"No one told me about you. Just said you'd come to give up visions...or something. I didn't ask because they were all so sad about Cordelia. Angel hardly speaks to anyone."
"Yeah...I'm not surprised." I say, honestly.
"I always kinda wondered who was in here." She babbles. "I mean, I knew you were a man, because they kept saying he. And that you have visions. And I know you like peanut butter...which is good because I love peanut butter..."
I can't help but laugh; ignoring the pain it brings to my head.
"Sorry...they say I talk funny...and too much."
"Who do?"
"Everyone."
"I like it. No one talks to me in here...kinda nice to hear a voice again." I say, smiling.
She blushes again. "I can talk to you...I mean, if you want me to."
"Sure. Come help me pass the time. It's not fun, sitting in here. The only contact I get is to give vision information to your boss."
"Oh...I was alone for a long time. In a cave." She says. "But then Angel saved me..."
Angel. Saves everyone. Everyone but me.
"Fred." Angel's voice calls through the door. "Come down here for a minute please."
She looks guiltily at me. "I better go."
"Yeah...nice meeting you Fred."
Again with the blushing. "Me too...glad to meet you I mean."
I watch her leave, a smile on my face. I think I'm going to like her.
Angel walks in, wiping the smile of my face immediately. "I heard what you did today."
"Yeah?" Not really bothered to tell you the truth.
"Thanks. For stopping Wesley. I'm sure he's thankful too...you probably saved Fred's life."
That must have been tough for him to say. I can almost here the added line; 'Why couldn't you do the same for Cordelia?'
"I had a vision...no one answered the phone so I went to go downstairs and ran into her, that's all. Nothing special."
"Fred says different, but it doesn't matter. You did the right thing and that's what's important."
The right thing? What, he thought I might microwave some popcorn and watch the show...'The shining 2: Curse of Billy's blood'?" Okay, I've done shitty things...but I'm not evil. Especially not now. Can't say I know any evil people who'd save a girls life for no reason other than...'I wanted to.'
He takes my silence as gratitude and leaves.
Alone again...but not alone in my thoughts. Because a certain girl plays upon them, making me smile. First time I'm happy to be alone in a long time.
*****
I don't come out of my room often, but she doesn't like that. Now she knows the crazy man hidden away in the hotel room like a dirty secret, she wants him to come out and play.
And who could say no to a girl like that?
Ignoring the looks I get...the cold words, I follow her round downstairs, listening to her rattle on with fascination at every word.
She comes out with some crazy things sometimes.
"But I think if I make it battery powered, rather than electrical...then, maybe we could use it as...well, a crossbow I guess. But stronger. And it looks better."
I just stand there and smile.
"You think I'm crazy dontcha?" She asks me, looking me in the eyes in the search for an element of truth.
Maybe someone warned her about my previous profession.
"Yeah I do. The good kinda crazy. The crazy that makes sense somehow and goes on to discovering great things. The crazy that makes people drawn to you...that makes you that much different, that much better than the other girls people meet." I say honestly.
Once again her skin tints red and she looks away as she giggles.
"Why do you do that?" I ask. "You always blush when I compliment you."
She looks a little worried by my question, before answering it with great struggle. "Well...I guess I'm not used to compliments. I mean, I was never popular at school. I didn't have many friends...then I spent five years in rags and a collar being called a cow."
"That's not good." I say, smiling as she cracks another smile.
"I didn't get any compliments there." She says. "I tried to explain to them that I couldn't be a cow because cows have..."
"Fred, I'm sure Lindsey doesn't want to hear about cows. Could you go and get Angel for me?" Wesley asked, interrupting her.
Fred looks at him hesitantly.
"I can do it." I offer.
"No offence, but I don't believe that's a good idea." Wesley says, hardly able to look me in the eye. He's been stranger with Fred. Must be the whole axe murder complex he had. "Angel's hardly spoken to anybody since...he just would rather see someone other than..."
"Someone who tried to kill him?" I finish for him.
He winces at the term, then nods and walks away. Wow, that was awkward.
"Poor Wesley. He's still feeling so bad about before." Fred says, watching him sadly. "I wish knew what to do."
"Things haven't been going so well this year, huh?" I ask, wondering if anyone but Fred and me are going to smile in this place.
"What with Cordelia...and then Wesley...no. Not really." Fred sighs. "But don't worry, I have a feeling things are going to get better now. Don't you?"
"Uh...yeah...well, no. I don't have feelings. Just visions, remember?" I remind her.
"Yeah, but if I ask you my fortune?" She asks excitedly.
"No, Fred, doesn't work like that." I smile. Her smile fades and I suddenly I miss it. "But I can try if you like?"
She's excited again, thrusting her hand in my face. I take it and pretend to study the lines, my fingers softly tracing the lines to her finger tips, making her shiver. I look into her eyes as she looks back at me. "What do you see?"
"A pretty girl."
She giggles and pulls away, playfully hitting me in the process. "You do not!"
I cock my head and laugh. "Okay, I see a man in your future."
"Is it someone I know?"
"Kind of." I reply. "You're going to fall in love very soon. And the most important thing is to follow your heart...because as with all incredibly attractive and magnetic crazy people, he's not the only one who has affections for you."
She looks at me with awe, as if she actually believes things I say.
"Hey...come on, don't believe me." I say. "I thought you were smart."
"Well I...just think, anyone who can have visions of the future could be able to tell it. And I like that future. I think. Is it a good future?" Fred asks, her nose wrinkling slightly as she asks me.
"Yeah...it's good." I reply.
Well, I'm not completely making it up. I know a guy likes her. I've seen the way Wesley looks at her...and the way she looks back. I've also seen the jealous looks Gunn throws us every so often.
And yeah, I think maybe there's a slight chance I...like...her. A little. Not a big thing or anything. Just a...I like her. A lot.
But I'm not stupid; I know I don't deserve a girl like her. She doesn't know half...or any of the things I've done. And I can't tell her. How do you explain to someone innocent and sweet that you've...? I can't even tell myself sometimes.
"Hey, Lindsey!" She calls. "No thinking. Angel's doing enough of the quiet pondering; I could do with someone left in the real world to talk to. Unless you don't want to talk to me...you don't do you?"
I sigh and reach out to hold her hand, rubbing the smooth skin with my thumb, as I look her in the eyes. "No one I'd rather be with."
*****
Later on that day, things become quieter if possible. Gunn and Wesley pretend to have a conversation, throwing glances at Fred and me every so often...and Angel stares at the wall...funny how the look seems to suit him.
I look up as the door opens and my lips part, mid-way between saying something and being unable to.
Angel stands up and looks at our visitor, equally as speechless.
"Hello, lover. Long time no see."
"Darla." Angel and I both say.
She finally notices me, standing by the desk with Fred and smiles. "And Lindsey. This is new."
"Who's Darla?" Fred whispers to me.
Good question, but I don't want to be the one who has to answer. But seeing as everyone else is too busy staring at the pregnant vampire...I do it simply to hide the wave of emotion that comes flooding back just by seeing her face.
"Vampire...Angel's Sire, brought back as human after he staked her, turned again by Angel's childe, tried to get Angel back...failed and left." I whisper back quietly.
"Missing on some details there, aren't we Lindsey?" She asks me from the other side of the room.
I just glare at her. I won't let her get to me. Not after all she's done.
"Well, when did this happen?" Angel asks, hesitantly.
"You know exactly when it happened." She replies, bitterly.
"No way! Angel, tell me you didn't sleep with her." Gunn demands.
"Uh..." Angel frowns, ignoring Gunn's question. "This is impossible."
"Tell me about it...Daddy!" She mocks, walking in as if she owns the place.
I suddenly feel the urge to leave. I can't stand this. But suddenly Fred's hand slips over my arm and I'd rather stay than have to pull her off.
"Angel...did you?" Gunn asks again.
"Vampire's can't have children. Wesley?" Angel asks for backup.
"Ah, no, he's right. It's not possible." Wesley stutters.
"Did you or did you not sleep with a vampire, endangering your soul and all our lives?" Gunn asks again.
"You know we can't. I know we can't. But...we did." Darla points out.
"I wonder if this might not be the bad thing we were expecting." Fred says, suddenly.
"You're expecting a bad thing?" I ask her.
"The prophecies." She explains.
I see Darla looking at Fred's hand on my arm and smiling, making me cold. I pull away from Fred, unsure of what she's thinking.
"What did you do to me?" Darla asks, looking back at Angel before slugging him across the face.
It takes all kind of willpower not to cheer her on.
Gunn and Wesley intervene, Wesley helping Darla to the sofa and Gunn pulling Angel off the ground.
I give up, I can't see this. Darla...pregnant with his baby. I walk out, leaving a surprised Fred staring after me. I don't suppose the others are all that shocked. Angel especially.
I shut myself back in my room, remembering the thousand reasons I hate Angel. I begin to hit the wall angrily, not sure why I'm really angry...I just wish she'd stayed away. She's come back, dredging up the past and...how can I look at her and Angel, knowing that I loved her and she only had eyes for him?
Hours pass and no one comes to see me. Well, Fred doesn't. I wonder if maybe they've left. I decide to wait...being stubborn as I am. I can't go back down there now. Just seeing her makes me crazy.
"Lindsey?"
Fred's voice comes through my door and I run to it, glad she finally made it.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I falter. Which part? "What do you mean?"
"You told me all the important bits...but you left out one tiny detail." Fred says, a hurt look on her face. "This is all your fault."
"Fred, I..."
"No, listen. You brought her back. You made her a vampire again...you worked for the company that tried to make Angel, Angelus again." She accuses.
"I know...but that was a long time ago." I argue.
"And all those little talks we had, you never thought to mention any of it?" She asks me.
"I'm sorry." I say. "I didn't think you'd..."
"Care?"
"Talk to me again." I finish.
She looks away. "I just thought I knew you and now...I don't."
She starts to walk away, but I have one last question. "Who told you?"
"Does it matter?" She asks me angrily.
"Yeah."
"Darla."
*****
I leave it a few minutes, before storming downstairs and looking around for the bitch from hell. "Where is she?"
"She ran off. Angel's gone to find her." Gunn tells me.
"How about Fred?" I ask.
He throws me a dirty look. "She's been real quiet since she got back from Caritas. She's in her room and she doesn't want to be disturbed, got it?"
I nod. "Got it."
I walk upstairs and head straight for her room, hoping there's a way I can make this better. "Fred?"
"Go 'way, Lindsey." She mutters back.
"Fred...I did some bad things, I know. But when I left Wolfram and Hart, I made a decision to leave it behind me. When Cordelia...passed these visions on...I was terrified. But at the same time, I knew it was my chance to make up for what I did. Will you let me in? I hate talking to the door; it never changes its expression. Come on."
I think I hear a small giggle, before the door opens and she stands there.
"I know I should have told you..." I begin.
"I'm just mad because...Darla said you..." She breaks off and looks away embarrassed.
"Darla said what?" I ask, flatly.
"That you...well, I think she might have been lying...but she said you...you know."
"I don't know." I tell her.
"That you..." She lowers her voice like it's some big secret. "Like me."
"Like you?"
"I know, you don't...I knew she was lying..." Fred babbles.
"No, Fred...I do...I do like you...I don't understand why she'd tell you that though."
Fred looks at me with a sudden realisation. "Oh...oh! She was trying to hurt your feelings wasn't she? I mean, turn me against you...I'm sorry!" Fred says.
"No, it was a good job she told you. I should have done it in the first place...but I'm glad you know now." I tell her, smiling.
"Fred, Angel has to talk to you!" Wesley yells from down the corridor.
Fred and I exchange nervous glances before she walks out, closing her door and we both make our way to see Angel.
*****
It wasn't easy after that. Angel and I didn't talk at all, both of us knowing the slightest conversation could turn to Darla...and I really didn't want to have to kill him.
Or be killed. Which lets face it, was the more likely.
Darla smirked at me a whole lot, occasionally saying something, trying to get a rise out of me. I remained calm and I think soon enough, she got the picture I wasn't interested in her or her mind games.
Think that pissed her off more than anything.
But that moment in the car, while she was in labour...that was the worst. Because she actually seemed more...human, than she was...human.
"Maybe we should go...Angel's taking too long." I say.
The others aren't so sure. They're reluctant to go anywhere without him, not when he's the only one who can handle the hormonal vampire in the back seat.
"Fine, I'll go get him..." I say, hoping someone will object and we can move the damn car.
But no one does, so I jump out and run to the Hyperion.
*****
Suddenly very thankful I used the back way...because the old guy and the two demons have Angel attached to iron poles with clasps on the ends, one around each wrist and another around his neck.
Now that's a sight...I would have loved to have seen not so long ago. But, now...now I'm feeling all heroic and before I can question my sanity, I have a crossbow and a small throwing axe.
Very nearly catch Angel with the bow...but still manage to kill the two demons, leaving Angel free to kick the other guy's ass.
And for some reason...there's not much ass kicking.
"Lindsey, get out of here." Angel mutters.
"Angel...Darla...baby." I remind him in short words so he understands.
"Get out!" He yells.
I throw the crossbow on the floor and leave. Bastard doesn't even appreciate my help.
I arrive back at the car just as more Grappler demons appear round the alley.
"Just in time." Gunn mutters. "This your doing?"
"I'm assuming it's the work of the guy Angel was fighting with...old looking...well, I saved his life, not that he cared much, but it seems he's too busy with the guy to be here."
"Guess we're on our own then." Gunn says, grabbing the weapons from the trunk and throwing me one.
I see Darla muttering in the back seat and frown. "She okay in there?"
Gunn smirks at me and turns back to the car. I shake my head, wishing for once they didn't hate me so much.
Before the battle can end, Darla starts the car and begins to run the demons over. I'm all ready to congratulate her on a great idea...before she drives away.
*****
Everything seems a blur from then... still haven't stopped to think about what's going on. Darla...my reason for living not so long ago is here with Angel's baby and all I can think about is Fred not forgiving me. I know it's crazy, but she was the only one who'd even look at me at the hotel. What if I've blown that?
Things are getting a little too intense for me and I have to wonder, why the hell am I here? Lindsey McDonald does not run around through the streets of LA to make sure Angel and Darla deliver a healthy baby.
These visions are doing something to my head; they're frying my brains.
Before I know it, we're all huddled in the rain, as Darla gives birth. We know full well it's only a matter of time before the old guys comes along and kills us all, but with a screaming woman on the floor, you can't do much about it.
Darla mutters something to Angel and takes his hand. I see her hand move to grasp the piece of wood and just stop...
I just stop again. Watch as Cordelia hits the ground; watch as Darla thrusts the stake into her heart...watch like the pathetic shit I am as another girl dies before me.
"Lindsey..." Fred warns as she sees Holtz appear.
I can't quite process things right now. I want the world to stop moving so fast...Darla was just here a minute ago... she waltzed in all cocky and pissed off.
"Lindsey!"
I hear the panic in her voice and rise to my feet. See Angel cradling the baby, sheltering it from the rain and I want to cry.
Fred looks nervously at the old guy and so I hold my arm around her. I protect her like Angel protects his kid and feel her press into my chest.
The old man simply lowers his weapon and Angel walks away. Smiling at me, Fred and I follow.
*****
I asked for calm and now I have it. Everyone's with Angel right now and I have time to sit down and just think. Darla just gave her life for her unborn baby, Angel's playing 'Dad,' and instead of the many things that should be on my mind right now, I can only think of the little brunette that felt so right leaning into me. She's driving me crazy here. My whole world, none of it makes sense anymore, but there is one thing I know.
I'd rather be with her more than anyone else in the world.
"Lindsey? Can I come in?" Fred asks through my door.
"Sure." I say, smiling as she opens it and walks in. "I thought you were with the others."
"I had to talk to you." Fred says finally.
"Oh...good talk or bad talk?" I ask, jokingly.
"Oh...good, definitely." She says, sitting beside me on the bed.
"Okay...give it to me." I say.
"I...just wanted to say thanks for everything you just did. You didn't have to help us like that...but you did. And I know Angel's grateful."
"I don't care about Angel."
"I'm grateful." She says again, smiling.
"Well you...you I care about." I tell her softly, leaning in.
"You do?" She asks quietly.
I move slowly to her, watching her every move like a rabbit, terrified of any movement she makes.
Her eyes close and our lips meet and it feels so much better than the alley...so much better than the talks...just that one moment and I don't want to have to pull away. And I don't think she does either, but sooner or later, you just have to.
She blushes immediately. "I shouldn't have...I have to go."
"You didn't want to?" I ask quickly. Have to make sure, can't have Angel ripping my throat out for trying it on.
"No...I did. I just...have to go."
And she's out the door before I can protest.
Not that I mind. I'm smiling so much my face muscles are beginning to work again. Been along time since I did anything but smirk. I lie on my bed and close my eyes and for once I don't have to think about Darla, Angel, Cordelia, my hand, my past, my future...I think about her and nothing else.
Quite a liberating feeling too.
*****
"Sshh...it's alright. Lindsey's gonna take care of you." I say softly. "Please don't cry."
Talking to Fred? I wish.
"Connor...come on...stop crying or your dad'll think I'm trying to hurt you." I beg.
"I guess he has taste." Angel says, a small smile on his face as he leans against the doorframe.
"Didn't hear you sneak in." I say, flatly. "He was crying...sorry, just wanted him to shut up."
Embarrassed and feeling strangely guilty, I put the kid back in his cot and look at Angel awkwardly.
"It's okay. I was just about to come up myself." He says.
Check us out! We're having a conversation.
"Good." I say. "I better go."
I try to walk out but he stops me with a hand on my arm. "Can we talk?"
"I don't know, can we?" I laugh nervously.
The look on his face says he's serious so I follow him back into the room and I take a seat on the chair.
"Firstly, I want to apologise for my behaviour." He says.
Okay, needing resuscitation-help here...Angel just apologised.
"Don't look at me like that. I was hard on you...I didn't make it easy. I know that. Losing two friends in just over two years has been very hard on me. But that wasn't why I was so out of order. I don't like you."
I roll my eyes. Here it comes.
"I didn't like you...I suppose is a more accurate term. I don't know you now. You did a big thing coming here and helping us when you didn't have to. You've lived with these visions and a lesser man would have made desperate attempts at getting rid of them. You helped me after everything I did to you and I respect you for that."
I'm flattered. Confused and a little awkward, but definitely flattered. "Thank you."
"I'm not done." He says, a soft smile appearing. "Then there's the time you saved my life from Holtz. Not so long ago you would have enjoyed watching...but you saved my life, even after all the Darla drama."
"Well, I don't...Darla was history to me at the time." I tell him. "I'd moved on."
"Then there was the time you saved Fred's life." He reminds me.
I smile. There was no thanks needed for that...I'd do it a thousand times again if she'd only talk to me for longer than three seconds about what happened.
"Wesley, Fred and I...we're all very grateful for that. Again, you did more than you had to." He says, looking me in the eyes now that all the difficult stuff's been said. "I misjudged you."
"Maybe I misjudged myself." I say quietly. "I never wanted to be here and if I had the chance I'd leave in a second. But helping these people I see in my head...even if I only tell you when, where and who...I feel like I'm making it up...to the people I've hurt...and to Cordelia."
He nods. "I think she knew what she was doing when she passed on the gift to you."
"I was the only available person to take them." I remind him. "But I still like to think I'm doing okay."
"You are." He tells me. "Now just two little things."
"Uh-oh." I joke, cracking smile.
"Lorne isn't always around to look after Connor...and I understand if you don't like..."
"You want me to baby-sit?" I ask, this is far too amusing. "You're asking the guy who used to work for Wolfram and Hart and wanted you dead for years...to baby-sit your only son?"
"Yeah." He says, uncertainty filling his eyes now I've said that.
"You must really trust me for a guy who hasn't said more than a few words since I came here." I tell him.
"Well...I do." He says. "And you know I'd hunt you down and cause more pain than any normal human could handle for the rest of your natural life if you hurt him, right?"
"That's fine with me." I say.
He goes to get up.
"Wait!" I say. "Wasn't there something else?"
"Oh yeah..." He smiles cryptically. "We're having a problem with Fred...she seems to be in love with one of the guys. I was hoping you could help her out a bit...lead her to her one true love, that kinda thing?"
I feel my heart sink. She loves someone else?
"That 'heartbroken little boy look' looks good on you, Lindsey." He says, chuckling.
"Is that supposed to be funny?" I ask, wondering why I ever bothered talking to him...letting myself start to like him.
"Oh it is funny." He says. "She's in love with you, Lindsey. If she doesn't stop daydreaming and smelling like she wants to jump you there and then when you walk in a room, I'm going to go mad...so please, please will you just end this 'how to break the record for length of courting period' show and get on with it?"
I'm speechless and I think all I can do is laugh. He looks at me as if I've gone crazy.
"Stop it...you're scaring me." He says, backing away to the door.
"She loves me? Are you sure?" I ask, getting far to excited.
"Only an idiot could ask that question." He mutters. But I don't care. I jump from my seat and I'm almost out the room, before I'm dragged back in by my collar.
"Hey!"
"Not yet. Do you want to blow it?" He asks me.
"No...but I have to hurry because Wesley and Gunn..."
"Have found new love interests." He says.
"They have?" That's even better. Now I have her all to myself.
"We're going to a concert of Gunn's soon, but they're playing a show I really want to see at the same time, so I intend on buying tickets there. I know for a fact Fred will love the show, so you're welcome to come with us. Ask her to accompany you...like a gentleman. You do know what one of those is, don't you?"
I smirk. "I happen to be a gentleman."
Angel rolls his eyes. "Just because you use the restroom with the sign on, does not mean you're a gentleman."
"I know that...but I can dress nicely and pull her chair out and...why are you laughing?"
"I'm going to teach you some things before we go. If you're going to do this, you're going to do it right. I don't want two brooding heartbroken people living here."
"Because it'll make such a change from one brooding person here." I shoot back, regretting it immediately. I shouldn't have mentioned it.
But he smiles. "Like I said, all that's going to change. I'm happy right now. I have my son and my friends and I won't let things get me down. There's been too much of that lately."
"Well, good for you." I say. "I'm up for a change in atmosphere."
"Go out and get a tuxedo." He says, passing me some bills.
I want to say no. The polite thing to do. The proud thing to do. But I still take them. "Thanks Dad."
"Don't cheek me." He warns, kidding around.
"Sorry Dad." I say, walking off before he can clout me round the back of the head.
*****
Okay...plan of action. Get suit...get hair cut by female with taste...spend every last cent of Angel's money on aftershave and shoes...when Angel announces trip to whatever show it is we're going to...I ask her to accompany me...she says no and slaps me before storming off and breaking my heart, humiliating me in front of her friends and I'm cast out into the night with no where to go and nothing but my aftershave a shoes to keep me company.
It's possible I'm nervous about this.
A little too nervous.
No, no, no, no...Lindsey McDonald does not get nervous. Lindsey McDonald is confident...cool...
Lindsey McDonald is talking to himself in the middle of a clothes shop.
I make a quick exit and look for the kinda shop I can afford, but doesn't look too cheap. I'm really in the wrong part of town. I used to shop here when I had more money than sense to hide it in a swiss back account. Now all I can do is try not to get thrown out by the snobby sales people. These people used to worship me...now they look at me like Julia Roberts...yep, check me out...I'm 'Pretty man.'
Without the whole 'whore' part. And I'm poor to rich to poor...would make an amusing sequel though.
I'm just about to leave, when I spot Lilah Morgan coming out of one of the shops across the street.
Familiar feelings of disgust that I used to be her...not literally...and seeing her has brought it all back. Have a small desire to know how she's doing in my job, but not enough to actually go over there and say hi.
Unfortunately, luck is not on my side and she sees me as she crosses the street. I'm trapped and she's moving in for the kill.
Death by evil lawyer bitch.
"Lindsey? I haven't seen you for a while. I heard you moved in with Angel...a new career move?" She asks in her permanently catty tone.
"Something like that." I say. No way am I going to give her more information than she needs.
"You look like shit...they take your bank account away?"
"What else would you expect?" I ask her, trying to remain cocky...the old me...show her I'm still as good as her.
"How's life going for you with Angel?" She asks out of interest.
"Great actually." I reply simply.
"You look after his baby much?" She asks me.
I should have known. I feel intense anger rising but I won't let her see it. "None of your business Lilah...that baby's Angels...and you won't be getting your hands on it any time soon."
"That remains to be seen. If you ever fancy another change in career, give me a call. We'll talk. I'm sure Wolfram and Hart will welcome you back if you're the one to bring the boy to them."
"I'll have a real good think about that." I tell her.
"You do that." She fakes a smile, before walking off. "Bye Lindsey."
Bitch.
*****
"Angel..." I begin. I hate starting conversations with him...I'm so used to getting crap back off him, I feel naked without my barriers.
"Shhh...he's asleep." Angel whispers, walking out his room, taking me with him and shutting the door carefully. "What is it?"
"Today...I want you to know this, because you should...but it's probably a bad idea because I want you to trust me..."
"Then tell me." He suggests.
"Okay." I take a big breath. "I saw Lilah today. She knew I was here...and she...offered me a job back at Wolfram and Hart if I could get them the baby."
Angel looks at me emotionlessly so I continue.
"I said no way...and all that...I just want you to know. That it happened. In case you think I'm plotting with them or something...I'm not." I finish.
He nods. "Okay."
I frown at him. "Okay? Is that it?"
"You tell me. Is that it?" He asks.
"Yes."
"Then I'm not worried. I know they're after Connor and I know they'll try and use you to get him...but like I said, I trust you. After all, you know what'll happen to you, don't you?"
I nod and smile. "More pain than a normal human can handle...rest of my natural life...I remember."
"Good, then stop worrying about it and go downstairs and talk to Fred." Angel says.
"Uh...no...bad idea. No talking." I tell him, backing off towards my room.
"Fine, leave her alone and miserable." He says, walking away from me.
Bastard. Hit me where it hurts why don't you? "Fine. But what am I supposed to say?"
"I've heard 'hi' works wonders as a conversation opener." He smiles as he disappears round the corner.
Hi...I know it's been a while but...
Hi Fred, that kiss was amazing and I was wondering...
Hi...I'm in love with you.
Shit, I'm not supposed to say that. I keep letting it slip and I shouldn't. Love? No...can't fall in love. Not now. Not after all the trouble you've been through...
Fred loves me.
So naturally, I love her back. Just need to say it out loud.
I walk downstairs and see her. I plan on telling her now...that I love her.
Have it all planned out in my head...which is hurting, a lot.
Shit, not now!
Blinding pain and light that burns my eyes...and they aren't even open. I'm aware that I may be screaming some of this information out...but my body hurts, a lot. Why am I in so much pain? The vision's tearing me up here...
As it stops, I feel nothing but the blessed relief of unconsciousness.
*****
I open my eyes to the most beautiful sight I could have hoped for.
She's happy to see me to.
"Déjà vu." I say, carefully.
"What?"
"Déjà vu." I repeat. "You always gonna be here when I get knocked out?"
She blushes as she laughs, her hand on my hands, which are draped over my chest. Makes me feel so much better having her there.
"That vision hurt...a lot." I tell her.
"Well, you did fall down the stairs." She says.
"I did?"
"Yeah. You must like beating yourself up." She giggles.
"Oh yeah...favourite hobby." I tell her.
She sighs. "I was so worried...I thought you were dead."
"Me? Nah...takes more than a fall and some visions to kill me." I say, cockily.
"Still...I don't want you to die yet." She says decidedly.
"Okay. Promise I won't. No dying until you let me." I say.
"How's the patient?" Angel asks walking in.
"How're the people I saw?" I ask in reply.
"Alive...but not too well. They're in the hospital." Angel tells me.
"Which is where you might have been if Angel hadn't have saved you." Fred says.
"Thanks, man." I say, giving him an appreciative look.
He nods. "Anytime."
*****
Fred and I walk downstairs with Angel close behind. Gunn and Wesley are talking together, big smiles on their faces. As we get closer, Gunn looks at Angel expectantly.
Angel pulls out some tickets and holds them in the air, triumphantly.
"Are those the tickets? You got 'em?" He asks.
"Well, I got to the ticket place and..." Angel begins excitedly.
"Oh, I'm paying you back. This is on me." Gunn says.
I see Angel hasn't broken the news to Gunn that we're not going to his show. Wonder how Angel's gonna break the news.
"Mahta Hari is the tightest band in LA, you guys are gonna be tripping out..." Gunn babbled.
"The only thing is..." Angel tried to say.
"I said I'm good for it, man...don't have to worry about dipping into Connor's college fund. Time I saw Mahta Hari at the Troubador, they were the....Blinnikov Ballet Corps..." Gunn finished off, staring at the tickets he'd swiped off Angel.
I refrain from laughing.
"What's going on?" Gunn asks Angel.
"Trying to tell you. I went to the ticket place and Boom. Tonight only." Angel grins.
"But...you got ballet on my Mahta Hari tickets." Gunn says, at a loss.
"This is the Blinnikov World Ballet Corps." Angel tells them, as if it means something. "This is one of the premiere companies in the world. And they're doing Giselle! It's their signature piece."
"This is all like some horrible dream." Gunn says, a look of horror on his face.
"I think I've heard of them, very ahead of their time." Wesley comments.
"Oh yeah. I saw their production of Giselle in 1890...cried like a baby. And I was evil." Angel tells us.
Refraining from sniggering.
"I think sounds exciting." Fred says, smiling.
Now's my chance. "So do I." I say, looking at her. Now would be the moment you ask her...
Chicken shit. Angel, Fred...they're both waiting for what comes next, but I can't do it with an audience. I'll do it after...soon as we're alone.
"Gunn..." Angel goes to explain himself.
"This is not Mahta Hari. This is tutu's, and the guys with their big ass packages jumping up and down...this is just..." He says in desperation. "I will never trust you again. The trust is gone."
"Gunn...calm down, this'll be fun." Fred chastises.
"Seeing real ballet, live, it's like another world." Angel explains. "Gunn, these guys are tight, you're gonna be tripping out."
"Don't be using my own phrases when the trust is gone." Gunn warns.
"How am I going to know what to wear...it's been so long." Fred mutters.
"I'll take you." I offer.
I think she likes that idea. Perfect opportunity to ask her to accompany me too.
We all break off, getting back to work.
"Okay, but...I'm not still paying, right, 'cause it's like a nightmare..." Gunn calls out to everybody as we leave him alone to his utter despair.
*****
Okay, okay...so maybe going to the ballet is not my idea of a fun time, but if it means I can get things to progress properly with Fred, I'll brave it with a smile on my face. And maybe a pair of those glasses with the open eyes painted on the front.
But I think Fred's a little too smart to fall for that.
Oh well, hours of forcing my eyes open while men and women jump around in leotards can't be that hard.
"Fred, are you going to show me what you look like in that thing?" I ask, from outside the changing rooms.
"No, I look silly." She says back.
"That's not possible, now come out here so I can check you out." That came out a little wrong. "Check the dress out, I mean."
Eventually, a hand appears from around the curtain and she pops her head out. "Pass me the red one I was looking at."
I oblige, passing it through, trying to catch a glimpse at her outfit. Girls can be so weird sometimes.
"Fred?" So not the best time to do it, but through a curtain is so much easier for me.
"Yeah?"
"I was thinking, tonight is a trip out with...well, everyone but Lorne, right?" I ask.
"Yeah."
"So, I was thinking perhaps...you and I could, well...accompany each other." I say lamely.
"You mean, like a date?" I can hear the mocking in her voice and panic.
"No...no, just, forget it..."
"I'd love to." She says.
"You would?"
"Yeah."
I pause...this is better than perfect. She wants to go. A date. Me, her...and all her friends.
"Fred? Can I see the dress yet?" I ask, wondering what the hell takes her so long.
She walks out, her normal clothes on, the red dress under her arm. She passes me the other ones and smiles. "Put those away while I buy this."
"Don't I get to see?" I ask, faking a little hurt look.
"You can't wait 'til tonight?" She asks.
"No."
"Tough." And with a devious little grin, she's off to buy the dress, leaving me alone to be ogled by the middle-aged women in the shop. Yeah, yeah, a boyfriend who shops with his girlfriend...we do exist.
*****
Of course we're all dressed before her and waiting patiently in the lobby. Fred's not your average girl, but she can still manage to take forever to get dressed.
Angel and I are talking about that 'gentlemen' shit he's got me learning. Trying to get me to learn it so I don't mess up.
Angel nudges me and looks at the stairs. I follow his gaze and see Fred standing at the top of them, a hesitant look on her face.
She look's so amazing.
But rather than concentrating on telling her that, I have to concentrate on words, which are failing me miserably.
She looks down at me, her eyes not breaking contact as she descends, the dress fitting her perfectly in all the right places, her hair pulled back neatly, revealing the beautiful face I've fallen so helplessly in love with.
Wes and Gunn stop joking in the corner and look from her to me. There's a length of silence where all I can hear is my heart beat thumping and I'm sure I will never get the words out.
"How do I...I mean, is it okay?" She asks me...me and only me. As if I'm the only one who matters.
"You look beautiful." I finally tell her.
She blushes and breaks eye contact, but I don't let her. I offer my arm as Angel showed me to do and she takes it, giggling at my efforts.
I see Angel wink at me and smile. I better be careful...sooner or later, I'll have no reasons left to hate the guy.
I swear I can feel her heart beating abnormally fast as we walk together, and she's stealing looks at me as often as I am at her. This is the night I'm gonna tell her. Nothing's going to go wrong. We're going to have a nice normal night and she'll finally know how I feel.
*****
"Can you people go anywhere without solving a case?" I ask, a little angrier than I intended.
It was supposed to be tonight...I was supposed to tell her tonight. But instead crazy guys with masks that just won't die attack and...God knows what happened to Gunn and Wesley back stage. They've been bright red since we found them.
Come to think of it...they've acting suspiciously around each other all night.
The only good thing to have come out of our little trip to the ballet was the kiss Fred gave me when I pulled one of the freaky mask guys off her.
And the fact she won't let go of my waist, hugging up against me, her head against my shoulder in a tired hold.
Wesley's tending to Gunn's injury in his office and Angel...he smiles at me before looking up at the stairs. Lorne's standing there with a sad look on his face.
"Connor?" Angel asks quickly.
"Can I talk to you for a second. The baby's fine, but we've had a little visitor." Lorne says.
Angel nods and leaves us alone.
I look down at Fred, whose staring up at me with a contented gleam in her eyes. "I love you."
Extremely awkward period where her next words will either rip my heart out or make it soar.
She smiles back. "I know. I love you too."
"And I swear one day I'm gonna take you out on a real date...no friends tagging along..." I begin.
"And no crazy people trying to kill us." Fred adds.
There's a silence where all I can do is look into her eyes with all my love, hope, lust and fear and see it reflected in her own.
"Lindsey?"
"Yeah."
"Do you wanna...uh, you know...go upstairs now?" She asks.
"Sorry...it's late isn't it? Goodnight." I say leaning down to kiss her.
And now she's laughing at me.
"You never understand what I say. I meant together." She says, blushing slightly.
Realisation dawns. "Oh! Right...together..."
"If you don't want to..." Now she's paranoid.
"No...I do! If you want to, I mean." I say quickly.
"Uh, good...cause I want to..." We break eye contact, both more nervous than we've ever been.
"Maybe we should stop talking." I suggest.
She giggles. "Yes, I think so."
I lean to and pull her into my arms, my lips pressing against hers.
"Hey you two! Get a room!" Gunn yells over as he and Wesley emerge from the office.
Fred and I laugh and I lead her upstairs, leaving the two men behind to their own company.
As the door closes to my bedroom, her arms wrap around my neck and I know there is nowhere I'd rather be.
*****
I didn't come back for this. I never wanted to play a round of déjà vu with the people who made me life hell for two years. I didn't believe in fate.
Until it saved my life.
The End