The plot is loosely based around Sophie Kinsella's story "Can you Keep a Secret?" If you haven't read it, I suggest you dash to your local library or bookstore and GET IT NOW:)
Summary: Everyone has secrets right? Of course, Usagi is no exception to this. But when that blasted Draco Malfoy tricks her into drinking a truth serum... He finds out a few interesting things about her... DracoUsagi
WARNING: There's dirty humour... so BEWARE. I guess the setting, everything, is somewhat AU...
EDIT: I'd just like to thank Jay Ficlover for helping me correct some VERY important spelling errors in this, which I have corrected. Thank you very much!
My Dirty Little Secrets
Rules of Life: NEVER trust your archenemy... Even if he's got a cute ass
Chapter One
The First Mistake
"So do you guys know who flooded the washrooms? Again! Seriously, this person has got to stop! I'm sick and tired of having to walk an extra ten minutes every time I have to pee!" one of my best friends, Minako Aino rolled her eyes and complained to me.
I chuckled nervously and looked down.
I can't tell her it was me that flooded the bathroom, I just can't. Not only will she spread it to everyone in the whole ministry, but she still hasn't gotten over the time I secretly borrowed her new stilettos for my date with Mamoru and accidentally broke the heel off. But honestly, who wears stilettos? I was doing her a favor! However she didn't see it that way.
I mean, there's no point in telling anyone. I'll just get really humiliated
Besides, everyone has secrets… right?
Everyone has those little "oh-no-I-shouldn't-be-listening-to-or-watching-this-but-since-I'm-here-I-might-as-well" moments, or those icky little secrets that just shouldn't be revealed.
Like the time I subconsciously has a sexual fantasy about Draco Malfoy during my daily make out sessions with Mamoru.
I mean, who would want to know about that? Besides, I'm sure everyone has sexual fantasies about their archenemies!
Plus, there's no way anyone would find out about my dirty little thoughts anyways.
At least, that's what I thought. But stupid, stupid, Draco Malfoy with that stupid, yet incredibly sexy blonde hair of his just had to put truth serum in drink
Oh god, oh god… my archenemy knows all my secrets… what the HELL am I going to do??
He's probably going to make me his slave or something…
Or maybe sex slave? And then I'll fall in love with him, and he'll love me, and we'll-
Okay, okay, get a hold of yourself, that's not going to happen. Besides, you hate him… remember? Plus, you already have a really nice boyfriend… Mamoru. He's kind, sweet, down-to-earth sort of person. Not to mention, very hot and sexy.
But honestly… Draco Malfoy hates me… and…
…He knows all my secrets…
It all started that one morning when I was almost late for work…
"Crap, crap, crap!! I'm going to be late for work!!!! Again!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Whoa, whoa, calm down Usagi, let me give you a ride to work." My oh-so-sexy-and-not-to-mention-extremely-hot boyfriend Mamoru Chiba smiled at me.
"Err- no, its okay, I'll just… take the bus." I chuckle nervously, see… the thing is; Mamoru doesn't exactly know I'm a witch. So I have to lie to him about everything… my job, where I live…
Basically, Mamoru thinks I'm a bikini waxer, living in the basement of my parent's house.
Yeah… pretty bad, I know. But I can't just tell him I'm a witch. I came close to a few times… but… I always chicken out in the end. Besides, him not knowing what I am has a few advantages, and I mean really good advantages.
For example, the time during a party, his best friend, Motoki and I, got a big… drunk, and umm… we were in a bedroom… with a really big bed… and we thought the door was locked… and we started doing some things we shouldn't…
…and Mamoru walked in on us…
Of course I had to perform a really big memory charm on Mamoru and Motoki so they both wouldn't remember much… but GOD… those was one of those time when I'm so glad I'm a witch.
"You sure Usagi?" Mamoru gives me another one of his killer smiles as he bends down and kisses me on the cheek. "If you don't need a ride, I'm just going to go take a shower, okay?"
"Go ahead." I give an easygoing smile, but I know my cheeks are flustered.
About that… there was this one time… when my really good friend, Minako Aino, gave me some advice on how to spice up my love life. She said walking in on your partner while they're showering and surprising them is the best way for a romantic evening of passion, love… and well, you can imagine.
So I did, I was all prepared and stuff, I lit some candles, bought these really sexy lingerie… I carefully sneaked into the bathroom, and said in a really seductive voice. "Hi Mamoru honey, mind if I join you?"
Oh god… you don't even want to know what happened next. First, he stared out in shock, he grabbed his towel to cover his "ahem", and started chucking soap pieces at me; telling me to get out, and that I scared the crap out of him…
And surprisingly after, he was really calm about it… he told me he didn't believe in sex before marriage, and wondered if I was willing to wait for him…
NO WAY IN HELL… but, whatever, that's not exactly what I said… I think I mumbled something of a yes… but seriously; I couldn't do without a boyfriend! Besides, Mamoru is PERFECT to the last degree… except for that tiny little detail where he doesn't want to screw.
Ah well, you can't have everything you want.
I had to perform another memory charm on him so he wouldn't remember any of it, then I had to go over to Minakos house to give her the yelling of a lifetime.
"I'm going to go now!" I shout, as he starts the tap.
"Okay! See you after work!" he replied.
"Okay, bye honey! Love you!"
"Love you too! Have fun waxing!"
I quickly dash outside the apartment, and clench my eyes shut; I usually didn't like apparating here and there, I barely past my apparition test. I left one tenth of an eyebrow behind… but that GOD the examiner left his glasses at home that night, and I was able to pass off my shortened eyebrow as a waxing accident.
"Please, please let this work… please don't let me leave any body parts behind!" I rolled my fists in a ball… and… POOF.
I opened my eyes slowly, and skimmed my surroundings, "Yes!" I wanted to jump around and scream, I landed in my office! I looked at the clock, one minute before eight! Ha! Scrimgeour can't yell at me this time!
Yeah… I don't hit it off too well with the Minister of Magic. It's all because of that time when I accidentally turned his cup into a rat, which started chewing away at his "precious" work. But thank GOD he doesn't know that it was actually me that flooded the fourth floor…and the third…and the second. But seriously, how was I supposed to know that the washrooms were "not in order"? I went into the washroom to pee, not to read signs! Besides, what was I suppose to do? Wet myself? Pee on the banister?
I carefully walked out of my office, and made a beeline to one of my best friends, Rei Hino.
"Rei!" I exclaimed happily, "Oh my gosh!!!!"
"What is it?" She glanced up at me with her violet eyes, she's looking, as usual, very business-like, with her long raven black hair tied up in a bun, and horn rimmed glasses… and those awful, awful suits! Seriously, she looks just like that Hermione Granger!
That's another thing… Hermione and me don't get along too well… it's all because… well, to make a long story short. She beat me in an article for the Daily Prophet, in which we were both supposed to write about, but her article was better. She was really smug about it afterwards, and god, that really got me angry. So the next time that happened… I tried to seduce the editor of the Daily Prophet, Ronald Weasly, which also happens to be her Ex-boyfriend… and she kind of… walked in on me straddling him on his sofa.
I should've performed a memory charm on her… but she never gave me the chance to! One she saw us, she started throwing these hexes at us… and it just got really out of hand. We made such a racket that Mr. Scrimgeour himself, came to see what was going on… of course, he would've fired all three of us on the spot… but, with a little help from Ron and I lying, saying we were practicing for a piece of article in the Muggle section regarding different styles of dancing, and that we were so caught up that we decided to try it out for ourselves.
Not the best excuse, but he kind of bought it. But I have the suspicions that he just wanted to avoid the enormous amount of paper work that had to be done if we were fired, not to mentioning hiring new people. Hermione of course, did not buy it a single bit of it. Nowadays, she only talks to me only if she has to, and I always see her shooting death glares at me when I walk out to get coffee. So naturally, I've developed bad feelings for her… but seeing as she's higher than me, and a way better worker, the only thing I can seem to make fun of is her clothing, which actually isn't all that bad. But hey, I need to make fun of something.
"Ugh!" I wrinkled my nose, "What look are you going for today? That looks like something Hermione would wear."
She peered up slightly, but I noticed she didn't look me in the eye, "I went umm… shopping."
"With Hermione?" I raised an eyebrow.
"No… with… my grandpa." She looked down slightly, a blush creeping up her cheeks.
"Wait, let me get this straight, you went shopping with your… grandpa??"
"Yes…"
"That's odd, you know, I thought the strangest-"
But my words were interrupted when I heard a deep voice behind me. "Ms. Tsukino! What do you think you're doing out of your office?"
I whirled around, only to find Scrimgeour glaring at me, "Err- nothing sir. I was just… asking Rei something about work… I'll, go back to my office now."
I turned nervously to Rei, "Good day to you. I'll be off now."
I stiffly turned towards the direction of my office and stalked off. I heard people snickering behind me. I felt my face turning red with anger… cursed Scrimgeour, picks on no one… but me."
"Wait a minute Tsukino."
"Err- yes?" I turned around, "What is it Mr. Scrimgeour??"
"What are those fuzzy things on your feet?" He inquired glaring at my foot.
"Wah…?" I stared down at my feet… and a gasp of shock escaped me… I felt my face turning even redder than before…
Oh god…
Those can't be…
On my foot… were my pink…
Fuzzy…
Bunny bath slippers.
Even worse,
I got them custom made to say "Mrs. Mamoru Chiba."
"I'm guessing Mamoru Chiba is your boyfriend?"
"Err- yes Mr. Scrimgeour."
"Do you really think the whole world needs to know about your love life?" He said as a flicker of amusement passed his face. For a second, I thought everything was going to be fine, but his voice suddenly hardens, "This is a work area, not some bar. I expect people to dress appropriately. Not in fuzzy bunny slippers"
I heard more snickers nearby, and saw that, Draco Malfoy and his gang have come to watch the fun.
God, hate that bastard so much. Draco Malfoy and his irritating little voice, and his annoying sleek blonde hair… and that sexy- err- I mean UGLY blue eyes! I hate him sooooooo much!
I don't understand why everyone likes him so much. First, it was Minako, then Makoto, and even Rei thought he was good-looking.
HE'S NOT!
Okay, maybe he's just a little bit sexy.
But that doesn't mean he's not an asshole.
Why do I hate him so much? Well, first of all, when that Umbridge woman retired, I totally should've have gotten a promotion, but no… Draco Malfoy just had to comment on the last second that it was me who broke the nose of the guy from the golden statue. It was an ACCIDENT! I accidentally threw my purse on the guys' wand after having a fit with, you guessed it, Draco Malfoy, and then I had to go get it! I didn't know the statue was that delicate!
And then Scrimgeour got all angry with me, saying I had a wand… but my wand was in my PURSE! But he started yelling at me more, saying I should've asked a friend… and there goes my promotion.
"Tsukino!" Scrimgeour snapped, "Are you listening to a word I'm saying!"
"Sorry, sir." I snapped back to what he was saying… something about… needing a… oh god, why do I even bother?
"Now go back to your office and start typing up that report I wanted you to type three weeks ago!"
"Yes sir!" I saluted him and dashed back to my office. "God… glad that's over…"
I sighed and slumped to my desk and sighed.
This is pathetic.
My work is pathetic.
I'm pathetic.
Suddenly, someone knocked on my door.
"Come in," I called, and to my surprise, Draco Malfoy strolled in.
I narrowed my eyes, "What do you want Malfoy. Have you come to taunt me again? Was this morning not enough humiliation for you? You know I could totally kick your-"
"No, no, that's not it," He interrupted, and gave me a strange smile, "I actually came to… Make up with you."
I stared at him for a brief moment and let out a shrilled laugh, "You're joking."
He shook his head solemnly, "No, I think two years of fighting is enough. What do you say we end this once and for all?"
I raised an eyebrow.
This is definitely too good to be true.
"Here!" He said, noticing my suspicious expression, "I got you coffee, just the way you like it!"
I gaped as he handed over me coffee, with extra sugar and milk… Just the way I like it.
Should I give him a chance?
I sighed, "Okay, fine, I'll trust you this time." I took the coffee and took a sip, and smiled warmly at him, "I guess I can try being nice to you."
"Perfect," He smiled again, but this time, I noticed it was more of a… Smirk…
Something is not right here.
"Well," I laughed nervously, "I'm just going to get back to work, so if you'll excuse me."
"What do you think of me." He asked.
"What?"
"I said what do you think of me." He asked again.
"I think you're sexy, with gorgeous blue eyes, and such a great ass. Though I think you really need to get a tan, and maybe some happy pills." I said automatically.
Wait…
Did I just say…
Oh crap.
I covered my mouth and gasped in shock.
Why did I… How did I?
I stared at the coffee, and suddenly remembered years ago, during Potions Class…
"...A truth serum, also known as Veritaserum (1), makes the drinker tell the truth, and nothing but the truth. It's odorless, tasteless…"
I slowly reverted my gaze back to Draco, and gasped, "You… didn't!"
He nodded slowly with that malicious smile of his, "I did."
Draco slowly shut the door and said in a business like manner, "Now if you don't mind… I'd just like to ask you a few questions…"
(1) THANK YOU VERY MUCH JAY FICLOVER for telling me the correct spelling!
First chapter is DONE! I'd love to hear what you guys think! I'd love some constructive criticism!