Title: The good boy
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: R for language and themes
Warnings: Implied semi-consensual slash, language, implied loveless sex, angst.
Spoilers: Season 4 BtVS
Pairings: Riley/Graham
Summary: He doesn't remember when he crossed the line, but he's sure Graham does.
Setting: Beginning of season 4
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you've had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own characters or make money from using them.
Author's notes: This is sort of pre-Buffy in Riley's life. Riley is out of character for a reason, you'll see what I mean.
The look in Graham's eyes said it all. It was like a wake up call that stirred something cold and just plain *wrong* inside. It could have been there every day for all he'd noticed, but today, for a reason he can't quite place, he's noticed the dread in his best friends eyes.
And all he'd said was 'dismissed'.
He watches Graham intently, knowing Graham can see him doing it, but not caring either way. He loves Graham, he's his best friend, but for some time, Graham's opinion has stopped mattering. No longer careful about his behaviour...or anything else for that matter, round him, Riley doesn't care if Graham catches him staring the way he is.
He notes the almost nervous look in Graham's eyes and tries to recall if he's seen it before. Can remember nothing but *that* look Graham has when he's down on his knees or against a wall...not nervous, rarely scared...more...crazed. Like an addict. And Riley knows something about addiction.
But not even his superiors know about that little period in his teenage life. Amazing how much you can get away with and how damn *easy* it is to get around the little system they having going on...when you're a good boy. Riley's been involved in the initiative a year less than both Graham and Forrest, and he's already made out better than them. He's well known as Maggie Walsh's favourite, the star, the hero, the all-American solider. He's got a perfect reputation because Riley...is a good boy.
Graham was too until he found himself befriending the new boy. Riley was all smiles and Iowa charm and Graham so loved looking after this naïve newcomer.
All it took was the bond of friendship and Riley had what he needed. A friend, an alibi, a back up, a protector, and eventually, a willing puppy dog who'd quickly swapped from the new boy's mentor to the new boy's fuck toy.
Of course it had taken a little convincing and manipulation to get Graham into bed. Because unlike Riley, Graham really *was* a good boy. And good boys don't sleep around with their male housemates without a severe amount of alcohol and blackmail back up plan for the morning after.
A year on and Graham has enough experience to keep Riley more than happy. It isn't love, at least not for him. Riley doesn't think he can love and he cares too little to find out. Graham however...he has the whole 'lost little boy' thing going for him, and who was Riley to *not* take advantage of that?
His best friend.
Riley lets out a long held breath and walks away, knowing Graham will follow eventually. He's never had to threaten or hurt his friend, and he's pretty sure he'd never want to...but Graham's lack of will power and even the new 'look' in his eyes is down to him. Riley knows that much. Knows it and hates it. Because deep down, Riley was once a good boy too. And he knows the difference between using a friend and abusing a friend.
He doesn't remember when he crossed the line, but he's sure Graham does. When it all stopped being casual sex and became a little heavier. Something that shouldn't happen between two friends, not when they were once kids with toy aeroplanes and dreams of being astronauts. Two kids who would have, given the chance, played war in each other's gardens and fell out over the cute girl next door...not friends who indulge in loveless fucking, bordering on the dark side.
And Riley can only blame himself. He loved having a willing Graham under him just that little *too* much, so that when 'yes' became 'no' he chose only to hear what he wanted.
But he's not all to blame. It may be his ego talking, but he is certain Graham wants him. See's it in the young man's eyes, though it's easily mistaken for need.
Riley's always had trouble distinguishing between the two. 'Want' is 'need'. But only when 'need' can be 'have'. Riley likes 'have'.
As he leaves the hidden elevator and goes back to his room, he wonder's if he should say something to Graham. He's never been any good with honest speeches. He could play pretend; he's had a talent for that since his drunk father started beating on him for showing any signs of weakness. Now he doesn't have any, and he's thankful to the old man for it. Well, not thankful enough to spare the guys life when he ran him through with a rusty javelin, but he was thirteen, what did he know about mercy?
He wonders if he could pull it off, just pretending none of it had ever happened. Let Graham slip into a façade of amnesia. Knows it'd save Graham's soul. And maybe even his own. But also knows it wouldn't last. He couldn't say which of them would give in first, but he has bets on himself.
He's so lost in thought; he doesn't hear Graham clear his throat in an obvious attempt at gaining attention without disturbing his so-called friend.
"You took long enough." Riley says, his voice toning down the harshness of the words.
Graham says nothing, hasn't since Riley started getting him to stay silent without permission during sex. Riley hadn't meant him to take it so seriously, but Graham either enjoys the dominance too much, or fears Riley too much.
Or both.
Riley doesn't turn around to look at Graham, only stares forward, for once his conflicted emotions on show. And still he hides them. Wants to say sorry and make it all better, but knows you can't undo everything with one word.
"Why do you look at me that way?" Inwardly curses himself for the pathetic way he's come out with it. Could either let it flow or get angry to hide it, knows which he'll choose. "Are you afraid of me, Graham?"
Now he turns, confident smile back on his face. He can see himself in the mirror behind Graham and is only edged on by his appearance. Only a few people get to see him like this. Without his smiley, happy mask of goofiness. But Graham knows the real Riley. Or close enough.
*****
Graham thinks about the question, not really wondering what the answer is, but wondering what the best answer to use would be. He isn't sure why he's afraid of Riley. Maybe because he knows him so well, knows what he's capable of when pushed. But also knows Riley has never really wanted to hurt him
He wants to blame Riley for the state they're in now, but he can only find blame in himself. For wanting Riley...for loving Riley, so much...that he'd do just about anything to be with him. And the way he's become so addicted to just *being* with him only keeps him by Riley's side. He can't distinguish the line between loving and fearing anymore, because they've both been distorting it in games of sex and dominance, and now he can't claim innocence or guilt, because he isn't sure which to believe.
The only thing Graham knows to be true, is that his sick obsession with Riley is dragging him down a road he doesn't...shouldn't...want to be. He's afraid of where he's going...or where Riley's taking him. He's afraid he's gone too far. But most of all, he's afraid he could lose it all any minute. Wants nothing more than for Riley Finn to be out of his life forever, but knows he couldn't stand a day apart. He's so lost now, as if along with that childhood innocence he lost at Riley's hands, he's lost a part of himself. His will, his sense...his mind.
Like a dog, he fears his owner, but couldn't live without him. He's grown too dependant over a short period of time which leads him to believe that maybe he was born to play this role, just as Riley was born to bully and manipulate people. And trick. Can't forget Riley's favourite past time.
Oh yes, Graham knows Riley well enough to see the difference. He knows when he's being tricked into things...not that it makes much difference now. A look from Riley has him wagging his metaphorical tail; Riley knows full well he no longer needs to use his powers of persuasion on him anymore. What Riley doesn't know, is that Graham does as he's told, not because he fears Riley's reaction, but because he fears Riley's abandonment. He knows Riley uses people, and is afraid he's just one of the statistics. He can't bring himself to believe he's just a convenient fuck, because then he'd have truly hit rock bottom. In love with a guy who doesn't care if he exists, as long as there's sex on demand.
And now he has to answer a question he doesn't want to answer, because it could spell the end, which would be bad, or it may not mean the end, which would also be bad. Graham briefly considers the third option, that it could mean an end to the sick games they play, and a beginning of a relationship, closely followed by love.
Except that everyone knows that third options never apply when you want them to.
"Graham." There's less threat in the word than usual, and for a split second, Graham can see that Riley's not as strong as he's pretending to be. He sees the conflict.
"No." Graham replies honestly.
Riley forces a natural looking smirk, moving forward with slow deliberation. "Sure about that?"
Graham wants to pretend and play along, because that means never having to lose him, but can't quite let go of the idea that if he tries hard enough, Riley will stop hurting him and start loving him. He nods calmly, his eyes not quite meeting Riley's, but not directed down like they usually are.
Something changes in Riley's expression. He doesn't like not being in control all of a sudden. He'd thought Graham was well and truly under his thumb and he *so* hate's to be wrong. Before he can stop himself, his hand snakes out and fists Graham's t-shirt before pushing the smaller man back against the wall. The sound of Graham's slight gasp is all that's heard.
"How about now?" Riley asks, his voice steadily gaining that edge that Graham had grown to know too well.
"I'm not playing anymore, Riley." Graham says, softly. Surprising how strong he sounds, despite the weak volume and childish sound of his voice.
"You don't wanna play?" Riley mocks. "Fine. No more playing."
Graham places a hand on the one that's clutching his shirt.
Riley doesn't see the gesture coming. He's not used to people reacting like that, least of all Graham. He swallows unintentionally, letting his nerves show a little more. "You're asking for it." He warns, not even knowing himself what the 'it' could be.
But Graham's not playing anymore. However weak he is, he's still strong underneath. He's the opposite to Riley, and they both know it.
"Riley, please." Graham says, gently.
And Riley just can't understand it. He's supposed to be in control, he's supposed to be feared, because he's bad and mean and he's killed people...he's evil and little boy's like Graham Miller aren't supposed to be able to sound more in control, especially when talking in a small voice. He won't let Graham take control, just because Graham's good and innocent and just plain nice. He's driven it all from him, fucking Graham until none of that 'nice-boy' shit remains. Or he thought he had.
"Let it go."
No meaning to the words, to either of them. But they both understand. Riley releases Graham's t-shirt, and glares with his last ounce of acting energy. "Your loss."
And he turns to leave. He's pretty sure he can take control by leaving Graham, because after all, it's what Graham fears most.
But Graham says nothing. Because he knows. For once he knows. No confusion.
"You're nobody without me." Riley hisses before he reaches the door. "You're nothing. You need me."
"Not like this, I don't." Graham says.
Riley just can't understand this concept. Someone's saying no to him...someone's standing up to him. And someone's trying to still be nice to him. And this someone is supposed to be broken and dirty like him. Like he was. When you've done the things that he and Graham have done, you can't be nice and sweet like that. It's not something Riley understands. And he hates not understanding. Because that's weak. And weakness is bad; he knows that lesson well enough.
"How *do* you want it, Graham?" Riley asks, his voice raised. "Want me to fuck you so hard you beg me to stop?"
Graham doesn't even flinch. Riley may by the psychology expert, but Graham is the Riley expert. He *knows*.
With no answer, Riley grows more and more nervous. He's trying so desperately hard to hide it all, keep it all up, but Graham's not responding. Riley needs Graham back to how he was before. Needs him to be afraid.
"I'll make you want me." Riley hisses, stalking forward.
And still Graham doesn't move. Just stands there, his face unreadable as if he's read the script and knows the ending. He won't be surprised because he's seen it all. Riley made sure of that.
Riley sees the line and ignores it, because if crossing it means he can get back to his position of control, he doesn't care. He grabs Graham's arm and yanks him away from the wall. "You afraid yet?"
"I can't be. Not now." Graham replies. He's finally figured it out. Riley's flaw, Riley's secret, Riley's pain. He's seen it and he wants it out. Wants the mask off. No more Riley Finn, hero and all round nice guy...no more Riley Finn, manipulator and asshole. Graham wants to see Riley Finn, messed up boy with a troubled past. Because he's sure that that's the Riley Finn he's in love with. He's fucked the first two; he's been betrayed and hurt by the first two...now he wants to see the real one.
He sees the fist coming but doesn't move to stop it connecting with his jaw. He looks back at Riley as if it hasn't even fazed him. "Are you afraid?" Graham asks, not mocking, but in general concern.
Riley loses his last bit of control and screams in rage as he attacks his best friend. "You don't fucking know me, you're no better than me, you don't care, you're afraid of me, you hate me, you want me dead, you're afraid of me, you hate me..."
And it stops. Riley can fight for days and not even break a sweat, but he can't last a minute when it comes to emotions. He's on his knees, breathing hard, all the fight gone out of him.
And Graham watches. Vaguely realises his face is messed up badly and he's in a lot of pain...but it's nothing compared to the feeling he gets a he looks to his feet. "Riley?"
And for once it's Riley who won't answer. Whose eyes are lowered as he's cowering at the feet of his one time 'best friend'. He slipped up and he can't explain why. Because Graham just let him.
Because Graham *let* him.
With no answer to his question, Graham sinks to his own knees, sitting beside Riley like children do, legs partially crossed and arms propping them up. Graham knows Riley needs to talk, but he's in no rush. So for the moment they just sit there, the sound of their breathing the only sign of life.
"Why don't you hate me?" Riley asks, his voice no longer strong, but that of a scared ten-year-old boy.
Graham looks at him. "I can't."
Riley nods, as if he understands. Understands because he had a father he loved once. "You should. I would have killed you."
Graham feels the familiar lump in his throat. The one he'd get in soppy movies and have to force back down so his friends didn't see him crying. He doesn't force it back down now. "No, you wouldn't have."
"You don't know that."
"I do." Graham argues, softly. "I know."
"I killed my father." Riley says.
Graham nods now, because he'd known that too.
"I hurt people. You shouldn't push me." Riley says, his voice anything but threatening anymore.
"Did he hurt you?" Graham asks, already knowing the answer.
Riley says nothing, letting the silence answer his question.
"If you killed me, it would only get worse you know." Graham explains. "You can't run forever. You can't pretend forever."
Riley clenches his jaw.
"I know you. I know you too well now. I know everything about you and I still love you." Graham admits.
Riley looks up, a small frown on his face. He doesn't understand. He can't understand. Love is for good people, and Riley isn't good. He thought Graham wasn't, but it turns out not even Riley could drive the good boy out of him.
"It was wrong, what happened to you." Graham begins.
"You don't know." Riley says, defensively.
"Maybe not, but I know it wasn't your fault." Graham says. "You did nothing wrong."
"I've killed people, I could kill you..." Riley protests. He is evil, he has to be because why else would he have done the things he's done? Why else would his father have treated him the way he did? He's evil and evil people hurt good people. Good people like Graham.
Graham lets a hand slip back onto Riley's. "But you won't. You know you don't want to."
Riley can't argue with that. He's hurt Graham, he's used Graham...he's tried to destroy Graham...but he knows he'd never kill him. Because Graham's good. Good like Riley was once. And as hard as he tried to make Graham dirty like him, he couldn't do it. He'd killed bad people...dirty people. He'd hurt thousands more. But he couldn't hurt a good person. And not Graham. Not now.
"Why don't they fight back? Why don't you?" Riley whispered.
"What?"
"Fight back. I keep pushing and they don't fight back." Riley mutters, too lost in his thoughts to filter his comments. "I just wanna die, Graham, please, make it stop."
Graham felt Riley's hand respond under his own until it clenched Grahams tightly. He felt tears spill from his eyes as he brought Riley closer to his him. Riley's arms wrapped around the body and held on tight as his own tears began to fall uncontrollably down his cheeks.
"Please just make it stop."
"I will, Riley, I swear, just hold onto me, okay?" Graham promised.
That day everything changed, Graham took back what Riley had tried to take from him and he used it to help the man he loved. There was a long way to go, and neither knew if they could make it, but at that moment, it didn't matter. Didn't matter whether they were innocent ten year olds or experienced twenty one year olds, because whatever they were, they were in it together.
The End
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: R for language and themes
Warnings: Implied semi-consensual slash, language, implied loveless sex, angst.
Spoilers: Season 4 BtVS
Pairings: Riley/Graham
Summary: He doesn't remember when he crossed the line, but he's sure Graham does.
Setting: Beginning of season 4
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you've had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own characters or make money from using them.
Author's notes: This is sort of pre-Buffy in Riley's life. Riley is out of character for a reason, you'll see what I mean.
The look in Graham's eyes said it all. It was like a wake up call that stirred something cold and just plain *wrong* inside. It could have been there every day for all he'd noticed, but today, for a reason he can't quite place, he's noticed the dread in his best friends eyes.
And all he'd said was 'dismissed'.
He watches Graham intently, knowing Graham can see him doing it, but not caring either way. He loves Graham, he's his best friend, but for some time, Graham's opinion has stopped mattering. No longer careful about his behaviour...or anything else for that matter, round him, Riley doesn't care if Graham catches him staring the way he is.
He notes the almost nervous look in Graham's eyes and tries to recall if he's seen it before. Can remember nothing but *that* look Graham has when he's down on his knees or against a wall...not nervous, rarely scared...more...crazed. Like an addict. And Riley knows something about addiction.
But not even his superiors know about that little period in his teenage life. Amazing how much you can get away with and how damn *easy* it is to get around the little system they having going on...when you're a good boy. Riley's been involved in the initiative a year less than both Graham and Forrest, and he's already made out better than them. He's well known as Maggie Walsh's favourite, the star, the hero, the all-American solider. He's got a perfect reputation because Riley...is a good boy.
Graham was too until he found himself befriending the new boy. Riley was all smiles and Iowa charm and Graham so loved looking after this naïve newcomer.
All it took was the bond of friendship and Riley had what he needed. A friend, an alibi, a back up, a protector, and eventually, a willing puppy dog who'd quickly swapped from the new boy's mentor to the new boy's fuck toy.
Of course it had taken a little convincing and manipulation to get Graham into bed. Because unlike Riley, Graham really *was* a good boy. And good boys don't sleep around with their male housemates without a severe amount of alcohol and blackmail back up plan for the morning after.
A year on and Graham has enough experience to keep Riley more than happy. It isn't love, at least not for him. Riley doesn't think he can love and he cares too little to find out. Graham however...he has the whole 'lost little boy' thing going for him, and who was Riley to *not* take advantage of that?
His best friend.
Riley lets out a long held breath and walks away, knowing Graham will follow eventually. He's never had to threaten or hurt his friend, and he's pretty sure he'd never want to...but Graham's lack of will power and even the new 'look' in his eyes is down to him. Riley knows that much. Knows it and hates it. Because deep down, Riley was once a good boy too. And he knows the difference between using a friend and abusing a friend.
He doesn't remember when he crossed the line, but he's sure Graham does. When it all stopped being casual sex and became a little heavier. Something that shouldn't happen between two friends, not when they were once kids with toy aeroplanes and dreams of being astronauts. Two kids who would have, given the chance, played war in each other's gardens and fell out over the cute girl next door...not friends who indulge in loveless fucking, bordering on the dark side.
And Riley can only blame himself. He loved having a willing Graham under him just that little *too* much, so that when 'yes' became 'no' he chose only to hear what he wanted.
But he's not all to blame. It may be his ego talking, but he is certain Graham wants him. See's it in the young man's eyes, though it's easily mistaken for need.
Riley's always had trouble distinguishing between the two. 'Want' is 'need'. But only when 'need' can be 'have'. Riley likes 'have'.
As he leaves the hidden elevator and goes back to his room, he wonder's if he should say something to Graham. He's never been any good with honest speeches. He could play pretend; he's had a talent for that since his drunk father started beating on him for showing any signs of weakness. Now he doesn't have any, and he's thankful to the old man for it. Well, not thankful enough to spare the guys life when he ran him through with a rusty javelin, but he was thirteen, what did he know about mercy?
He wonders if he could pull it off, just pretending none of it had ever happened. Let Graham slip into a façade of amnesia. Knows it'd save Graham's soul. And maybe even his own. But also knows it wouldn't last. He couldn't say which of them would give in first, but he has bets on himself.
He's so lost in thought; he doesn't hear Graham clear his throat in an obvious attempt at gaining attention without disturbing his so-called friend.
"You took long enough." Riley says, his voice toning down the harshness of the words.
Graham says nothing, hasn't since Riley started getting him to stay silent without permission during sex. Riley hadn't meant him to take it so seriously, but Graham either enjoys the dominance too much, or fears Riley too much.
Or both.
Riley doesn't turn around to look at Graham, only stares forward, for once his conflicted emotions on show. And still he hides them. Wants to say sorry and make it all better, but knows you can't undo everything with one word.
"Why do you look at me that way?" Inwardly curses himself for the pathetic way he's come out with it. Could either let it flow or get angry to hide it, knows which he'll choose. "Are you afraid of me, Graham?"
Now he turns, confident smile back on his face. He can see himself in the mirror behind Graham and is only edged on by his appearance. Only a few people get to see him like this. Without his smiley, happy mask of goofiness. But Graham knows the real Riley. Or close enough.
*****
Graham thinks about the question, not really wondering what the answer is, but wondering what the best answer to use would be. He isn't sure why he's afraid of Riley. Maybe because he knows him so well, knows what he's capable of when pushed. But also knows Riley has never really wanted to hurt him
He wants to blame Riley for the state they're in now, but he can only find blame in himself. For wanting Riley...for loving Riley, so much...that he'd do just about anything to be with him. And the way he's become so addicted to just *being* with him only keeps him by Riley's side. He can't distinguish the line between loving and fearing anymore, because they've both been distorting it in games of sex and dominance, and now he can't claim innocence or guilt, because he isn't sure which to believe.
The only thing Graham knows to be true, is that his sick obsession with Riley is dragging him down a road he doesn't...shouldn't...want to be. He's afraid of where he's going...or where Riley's taking him. He's afraid he's gone too far. But most of all, he's afraid he could lose it all any minute. Wants nothing more than for Riley Finn to be out of his life forever, but knows he couldn't stand a day apart. He's so lost now, as if along with that childhood innocence he lost at Riley's hands, he's lost a part of himself. His will, his sense...his mind.
Like a dog, he fears his owner, but couldn't live without him. He's grown too dependant over a short period of time which leads him to believe that maybe he was born to play this role, just as Riley was born to bully and manipulate people. And trick. Can't forget Riley's favourite past time.
Oh yes, Graham knows Riley well enough to see the difference. He knows when he's being tricked into things...not that it makes much difference now. A look from Riley has him wagging his metaphorical tail; Riley knows full well he no longer needs to use his powers of persuasion on him anymore. What Riley doesn't know, is that Graham does as he's told, not because he fears Riley's reaction, but because he fears Riley's abandonment. He knows Riley uses people, and is afraid he's just one of the statistics. He can't bring himself to believe he's just a convenient fuck, because then he'd have truly hit rock bottom. In love with a guy who doesn't care if he exists, as long as there's sex on demand.
And now he has to answer a question he doesn't want to answer, because it could spell the end, which would be bad, or it may not mean the end, which would also be bad. Graham briefly considers the third option, that it could mean an end to the sick games they play, and a beginning of a relationship, closely followed by love.
Except that everyone knows that third options never apply when you want them to.
"Graham." There's less threat in the word than usual, and for a split second, Graham can see that Riley's not as strong as he's pretending to be. He sees the conflict.
"No." Graham replies honestly.
Riley forces a natural looking smirk, moving forward with slow deliberation. "Sure about that?"
Graham wants to pretend and play along, because that means never having to lose him, but can't quite let go of the idea that if he tries hard enough, Riley will stop hurting him and start loving him. He nods calmly, his eyes not quite meeting Riley's, but not directed down like they usually are.
Something changes in Riley's expression. He doesn't like not being in control all of a sudden. He'd thought Graham was well and truly under his thumb and he *so* hate's to be wrong. Before he can stop himself, his hand snakes out and fists Graham's t-shirt before pushing the smaller man back against the wall. The sound of Graham's slight gasp is all that's heard.
"How about now?" Riley asks, his voice steadily gaining that edge that Graham had grown to know too well.
"I'm not playing anymore, Riley." Graham says, softly. Surprising how strong he sounds, despite the weak volume and childish sound of his voice.
"You don't wanna play?" Riley mocks. "Fine. No more playing."
Graham places a hand on the one that's clutching his shirt.
Riley doesn't see the gesture coming. He's not used to people reacting like that, least of all Graham. He swallows unintentionally, letting his nerves show a little more. "You're asking for it." He warns, not even knowing himself what the 'it' could be.
But Graham's not playing anymore. However weak he is, he's still strong underneath. He's the opposite to Riley, and they both know it.
"Riley, please." Graham says, gently.
And Riley just can't understand it. He's supposed to be in control, he's supposed to be feared, because he's bad and mean and he's killed people...he's evil and little boy's like Graham Miller aren't supposed to be able to sound more in control, especially when talking in a small voice. He won't let Graham take control, just because Graham's good and innocent and just plain nice. He's driven it all from him, fucking Graham until none of that 'nice-boy' shit remains. Or he thought he had.
"Let it go."
No meaning to the words, to either of them. But they both understand. Riley releases Graham's t-shirt, and glares with his last ounce of acting energy. "Your loss."
And he turns to leave. He's pretty sure he can take control by leaving Graham, because after all, it's what Graham fears most.
But Graham says nothing. Because he knows. For once he knows. No confusion.
"You're nobody without me." Riley hisses before he reaches the door. "You're nothing. You need me."
"Not like this, I don't." Graham says.
Riley just can't understand this concept. Someone's saying no to him...someone's standing up to him. And someone's trying to still be nice to him. And this someone is supposed to be broken and dirty like him. Like he was. When you've done the things that he and Graham have done, you can't be nice and sweet like that. It's not something Riley understands. And he hates not understanding. Because that's weak. And weakness is bad; he knows that lesson well enough.
"How *do* you want it, Graham?" Riley asks, his voice raised. "Want me to fuck you so hard you beg me to stop?"
Graham doesn't even flinch. Riley may by the psychology expert, but Graham is the Riley expert. He *knows*.
With no answer, Riley grows more and more nervous. He's trying so desperately hard to hide it all, keep it all up, but Graham's not responding. Riley needs Graham back to how he was before. Needs him to be afraid.
"I'll make you want me." Riley hisses, stalking forward.
And still Graham doesn't move. Just stands there, his face unreadable as if he's read the script and knows the ending. He won't be surprised because he's seen it all. Riley made sure of that.
Riley sees the line and ignores it, because if crossing it means he can get back to his position of control, he doesn't care. He grabs Graham's arm and yanks him away from the wall. "You afraid yet?"
"I can't be. Not now." Graham replies. He's finally figured it out. Riley's flaw, Riley's secret, Riley's pain. He's seen it and he wants it out. Wants the mask off. No more Riley Finn, hero and all round nice guy...no more Riley Finn, manipulator and asshole. Graham wants to see Riley Finn, messed up boy with a troubled past. Because he's sure that that's the Riley Finn he's in love with. He's fucked the first two; he's been betrayed and hurt by the first two...now he wants to see the real one.
He sees the fist coming but doesn't move to stop it connecting with his jaw. He looks back at Riley as if it hasn't even fazed him. "Are you afraid?" Graham asks, not mocking, but in general concern.
Riley loses his last bit of control and screams in rage as he attacks his best friend. "You don't fucking know me, you're no better than me, you don't care, you're afraid of me, you hate me, you want me dead, you're afraid of me, you hate me..."
And it stops. Riley can fight for days and not even break a sweat, but he can't last a minute when it comes to emotions. He's on his knees, breathing hard, all the fight gone out of him.
And Graham watches. Vaguely realises his face is messed up badly and he's in a lot of pain...but it's nothing compared to the feeling he gets a he looks to his feet. "Riley?"
And for once it's Riley who won't answer. Whose eyes are lowered as he's cowering at the feet of his one time 'best friend'. He slipped up and he can't explain why. Because Graham just let him.
Because Graham *let* him.
With no answer to his question, Graham sinks to his own knees, sitting beside Riley like children do, legs partially crossed and arms propping them up. Graham knows Riley needs to talk, but he's in no rush. So for the moment they just sit there, the sound of their breathing the only sign of life.
"Why don't you hate me?" Riley asks, his voice no longer strong, but that of a scared ten-year-old boy.
Graham looks at him. "I can't."
Riley nods, as if he understands. Understands because he had a father he loved once. "You should. I would have killed you."
Graham feels the familiar lump in his throat. The one he'd get in soppy movies and have to force back down so his friends didn't see him crying. He doesn't force it back down now. "No, you wouldn't have."
"You don't know that."
"I do." Graham argues, softly. "I know."
"I killed my father." Riley says.
Graham nods now, because he'd known that too.
"I hurt people. You shouldn't push me." Riley says, his voice anything but threatening anymore.
"Did he hurt you?" Graham asks, already knowing the answer.
Riley says nothing, letting the silence answer his question.
"If you killed me, it would only get worse you know." Graham explains. "You can't run forever. You can't pretend forever."
Riley clenches his jaw.
"I know you. I know you too well now. I know everything about you and I still love you." Graham admits.
Riley looks up, a small frown on his face. He doesn't understand. He can't understand. Love is for good people, and Riley isn't good. He thought Graham wasn't, but it turns out not even Riley could drive the good boy out of him.
"It was wrong, what happened to you." Graham begins.
"You don't know." Riley says, defensively.
"Maybe not, but I know it wasn't your fault." Graham says. "You did nothing wrong."
"I've killed people, I could kill you..." Riley protests. He is evil, he has to be because why else would he have done the things he's done? Why else would his father have treated him the way he did? He's evil and evil people hurt good people. Good people like Graham.
Graham lets a hand slip back onto Riley's. "But you won't. You know you don't want to."
Riley can't argue with that. He's hurt Graham, he's used Graham...he's tried to destroy Graham...but he knows he'd never kill him. Because Graham's good. Good like Riley was once. And as hard as he tried to make Graham dirty like him, he couldn't do it. He'd killed bad people...dirty people. He'd hurt thousands more. But he couldn't hurt a good person. And not Graham. Not now.
"Why don't they fight back? Why don't you?" Riley whispered.
"What?"
"Fight back. I keep pushing and they don't fight back." Riley mutters, too lost in his thoughts to filter his comments. "I just wanna die, Graham, please, make it stop."
Graham felt Riley's hand respond under his own until it clenched Grahams tightly. He felt tears spill from his eyes as he brought Riley closer to his him. Riley's arms wrapped around the body and held on tight as his own tears began to fall uncontrollably down his cheeks.
"Please just make it stop."
"I will, Riley, I swear, just hold onto me, okay?" Graham promised.
That day everything changed, Graham took back what Riley had tried to take from him and he used it to help the man he loved. There was a long way to go, and neither knew if they could make it, but at that moment, it didn't matter. Didn't matter whether they were innocent ten year olds or experienced twenty one year olds, because whatever they were, they were in it together.
The End